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Discussion Starter #1
Ok obviously that's not true... But it did get your attention XD

Ok. Married for just a year. My hubby is an alcoholic. Finally sober. Again.
When he's sober he's got no sex drive. Unless it was the beginning of the relationship then it was 3x a day. Then once he started drinking it was still once or twice daily. I considered myself very very lucky as my last marriage was painfully sexless and terrible.

But... I'm lucky if it's once a week. And I'm dying inside. My love language rates high on the physical touch side and this is really agonizing and lonely.

I've told him that this is really lonely and that I'm very deprived sexually. He says he'll change that and "oh no, I would never want you to feel that way" but nothing changes. If we do have sex it's about taking care of him and I'm left thinking that was a waste of time.

I'm not into toys, I want a real person to have passionate toe curling sex with. Daily would be great. Every other day would be great. This is not great. I'm still a newlywed and this already sucks!!
Not to mention, we don't really connect anymore emotionally. When he drinks he's very talkative but now... He's wrapped up in his own head. I can't have a glass of wine anymore so I don't set him off to drink again but that means no more for me either and I don't have the same issues as him.

I'm bored. I'm lonely. I'm totally unsatisfied. I feel like I got married to someone and he's changed which is so strange.... Am I alone in this? Am I wrong for thinking of divorce? I feel like I'm quitting but being lonely and sex deprived as a newlywed really really sucks.
 

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Does he need alcohol to “let himself go” and without it he has some hangup or other about sex?
I think a sex therapist could help but you’re going to have to do the organizing because he’s quite happy with things as they are.
Do not let him try and convince you that he will change on his own, you will be in for a sexless marriage otherwise.
 

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Ok obviously that's not true... But it did get your attention XD

Ok. Married for just a year. My hubby is an alcoholic. Finally sober. Again.
When he's sober he's got no sex drive. Unless it was the beginning of the relationship then it was 3x a day. Then once he started drinking it was still once or twice daily. I considered myself very very lucky as my last marriage was painfully sexless and terrible.

But... I'm lucky if it's once a week. And I'm dying inside. My love language rates high on the physical touch side and this is really agonizing and lonely.

I've told him that this is really lonely and that I'm very deprived sexually. He says he'll change that and "oh no, I would never want you to feel that way" but nothing changes. If we do have sex it's about taking care of him and I'm left thinking that was a waste of time.

I'm not into toys, I want a real person to have passionate toe curling sex with. Daily would be great. Every other day would be great. This is not great. I'm still a newlywed and this already sucks!!
Not to mention, we don't really connect anymore emotionally. When he drinks he's very talkative but now... He's wrapped up in his own head. I can't have a glass of wine anymore so I don't set him off to drink again but that means no more for me either and I don't have the same issues as him.

I'm bored. I'm lonely. I'm totally unsatisfied. I feel like I got married to someone and he's changed which is so strange.... Am I alone in this? Am I wrong for thinking of divorce? I feel like I'm quitting but being lonely and sex deprived as a newlywed really really sucks.

To answer the question as posed, no you are not the only woman. I never thought my drive was high until I came here and heard how many woman are just not into it at all. I am happy with once a day and twice on Sunday's as my boyfriend likes to joke.

As to the other issues you're having. It's not uncommon for an alcoholic to have what seems like a personality change once they sober up. Because his real personality was hidden behind the alcohol the entire time he was actively drinking.

Is he taking any antidepressants or any meds to help him stay sober? Those very often will kill a person's libido. He could talk to his doctor about trying a different medication that may not have that side effect.

You may have to tell him what you've told us? You feel like you might want a divorce and lay it all out on the line as to why. It's possible if he's newly sober all he can manage is thinking about staying sober right now and he has nothing left to give anyone else at the end of the day. The selfishness in bed could be from that or maybe he was always that way. The point it is without telling him all that you've told us I doubt things will change.

I'm sorry you're going through this...I'm sure it hurts a lot. I wish you good luck. *hugs*
 

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Discussion Starter #4
When I met him he was sober for 4+ years and had an incredible drive and was very passionate. I thought I'd hit the jackpot.

But he's quit drinking again and he's on antianxiety meds (same ones I'm taking lol) and he was on them when we met.

I'm hoping this is the "newly sobriety phase" because i cant imagine years like this. Been there done that and it was so so awful.

I have talked to him at length about this and he vows to change it. But it doesn't. And I'm tired of feeling like I have to bed for it, it's hurting my self image. I know I'm attractive, I've gained a little weight but so has he.

Sigh. I feel like I'm in this hell all over again.
 

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Tired of feeling like I have to *beg* for it.


It's degrading to have to constantly ask to be desired. 😞
Yes, it crushes your soul. Ask him outright if he had this same issue last time he got sober? Maybe it's a temporary thing as he adjusts to the sober life. If so could you wait it out, support him through this adjustment knowing that things will get back on track?
 

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Tell him again and set a date, and vowing not to resind what's on the table. If he cannot or will not change to be more loving and affectionate you have your answer. Don't be the one that hangs on to a dream. Make your stand.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
We had "the talk" and I wasn't pointing fingers etc but I did say I feel... Lonely, deprived of sex and affection...I reminded him that this was an ongoing issue that keeps coming up over and over.

He gets defensive. He says "think about it, this isn't true!".
With tears in my eyes in saying, "but it is true this is how I feel others this wouldn't be an issue"

It's like he doesn't want to hear me.
He says "I want you all the time" but that isn't what's happening. I feel like I'm banging my head on a brick wall that doesn't want to hear the truth.

He seems to think this will all blow over in a few months.
Ok. Maybe. But if not I'm tired of hanging on to dreams that's won't come true.
 

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My love language rates high on the physical touch side and this is really agonizing and lonely.
ROUGH. I feel for you here. Mine is the same and the isolation is maddening.


I've told him that this is really lonely and that I'm very deprived sexually.
Great. State your issues clearly so there is no misunderstanding.

He says he'll change that and "oh no, I would never want you to feel that way" but nothing changes.
And you get the promises never to be fulfilled.

If we do have sex it's about taking care of him and I'm left thinking that was a waste of time.
Why do you allow it to be about him?


I'm not into toys, I want a real person to have passionate toe curling sex with. Daily would be great. Every other day would be great. This is not great. I'm still a newlywed and this already sucks!!
Not to mention, we don't really connect anymore emotionally.
Your desire is not unreasonable. I see no reason to accept less.

Not connecting emotionally, especially in the honeymoon phase, no bueno.


When he drinks he's very talkative but now... He's wrapped up in his own head. I can't have a glass of wine anymore so I don't set him off to drink again but that means no more for me either and I don't have the same issues as him.
Here's an issue.
You will keep changing yourself (You example is you can't even have a glass of wine) to try to make things better. This will lead to resentment, especially with the sex and emotional issues you are having.

It would be way different he he was emotionally connecting with you as well a smashing you as often as you wanted/needed.


I feel like I got married to someone and he's changed which is so strange.... Am I alone in this? Am I wrong for thinking of divorce? I feel like I'm quitting but being lonely and sex deprived as a newlywed really really sucks.
No.

You are married to an alcoholic. He will always be an alcoholic. You will never change that.
He will change from time to time due to his alcoholism. You can't stop that nor change that.
He has to decide to change for the better and your relationship.
It takes two to make a marriage work and you can't do it all.

Let me let you in on a secret, being lonely and sex deprived at any stage of your marriage suck.
Being lonely and sex starved at the newlywed stage is marriage ruining.
 

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So, document the times you DO have sex for a few weeks -- and when he says its NOT true and you do all the time, you can show him.
This will I think take a LOT of conversations and HE will keep getting defensive. You need to find a way for him to TALK, not defend.

I think that counseling IC AND MC (and maybe a sex therapist, but I would do the first two first) will be required.

I wonder if there are deep issues with him that caused him to drink which prevent him from being affectionate/communicative.

Also, don't make it JUST about sex -- tell him you want him to hold your hand more, just generally touch you more. What is HIS love language? If not touch, it may be hard for him to understand YOU need this - that it's just part of your makeup.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
He says he's ADD. So he's constantly wrapped up in his own head. All. The. Time.

I read an article about being married to someone who is and at first you are the center of attention, filling that dopamine high, but later, that high wears off and you are no longer that new exciting thing and you're left feeling very alone.

Perhaps this is true yet if that's the case I'll be alone because I can't expect him to change himself, no more than I can change the fact I'm a talker who really enjoys deep intimate conversation. I've had that, I know what that feels like, and sadly we may have appeared to have that early in and I married him... And then it changed. Got really really bad when he's sober again. And I'm not an alcoholic. I didn't know he was until after we were married even his mother is in denial yet that's not the point.

Thank you for your responses. I really need some advice and to hear my own thoughts when it because I think this marriage is doomed because he can't be something he's not. He isn't into a deep emotional connection the way I am. We don't cuddle, kids like we used to, and he admits fully that he's not doing what he needs to do. But we're only on year one!!! This is the best years? OMG that's depressing!
 

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And he told me that his love language is touch and communicating.... That's why it we were all "in love" snuggling, touching, passionate, used to talk more...

But, it stopped. Months ago. I'm sure it's because he's obsessing about not drinking right now. Yet it's a very lonely road to travel when you're noticing your relationship is becoming very dry. I have tried many times in the past several months after the wedding to let him know that I really need his time and attention.
Vows to make changes. They never come 😞
 

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And he told me that his love language is touch and communicating.... That's why it we were all "in love" snuggling, touching, passionate, used to talk more...

But, it stopped. Months ago. I'm sure it's because he's obsessing about not drinking right now. Yet it's a very lonely road to travel when you're noticing your relationship is becoming very dry. I have tried many times in the past several months after the wedding to let him know that I really need his time and attention.
Vows to make changes. They never come 😞
I'm not making excuses for him, but if he did just quit drinking again, I am sure it is taking a lot of his mental and emotional power to deal with it.

In my experience that lessens as time goes on, so you might want to work with him on it before deciding it's going to be a problem forever.

I also don't see a problem with yourself laying of the alcohol while he adjusts. I would hope my SO would do the same.

I guess it depends on if you think he is a good investment overall.

I'm not being critical of you. I hope you work it out.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
I quit drinking too support him.

He's been on and off the wagon so to speak and each time we get this horrible emotional rollercoaster. So if I seem a little resentful and quick to ditch...I am.

It's been an exhausting first year with him. He's a very kind, sensitive man, he's wonderful in many ways. Yet I can't make up for the emotional and physical disconnection which is my love language...I feel alone and I'm really hoping this isn't how this will always be.

I know I'm venting lots but I don't feel heard by him and I need that somehow. Thanks for listening everyone!! ♥
 

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I quit drinking too support him.

He's been on and off the wagon so to speak and each time we get this horrible emotional rollercoaster. So if I seem a little resentful and quick to ditch...I am.

It's been an exhausting first year with him. He's a very kind, sensitive man, he's wonderful in many ways. Yet I can't make up for the emotional and physical disconnection which is my love language...I feel alone and I'm really hoping this isn't how this will always be.

I know I'm venting lots but I don't feel heard by him and I need that somehow. Thanks for listening everyone!! ♥
There is no shame in making a decision to get off the rollercoaster. Especially if you weren't aware of the situation.

Ultimately its his cross to bear.
 

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And I'm not gonna lie being sexually frustrated really really sucks!! I wish I liked toys... Would make things easier but I'm all about the intimacy. I want passion. I want sweaty wild hair and broken furniture!! (Ok kinda joking)

I had a relationship like that for a couple years. But we weren't compatible in other ways sadly.... But damn if we didn't almost break the dining room table 🤣
 

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"There is no shame in making a decision to get off the rollercoaster."

I'm new and an still figuring out how to attach an original post. Lol geez

Yes.... I'm so done with the crazy train. I had NO idea what it was like being married to an alcoholic. It's awful. I want out. He's put me through hell with this addiction emotionally.

And no sex no love no intimacy? Oh hell no,
 
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