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Discussion Starter #1
Will keep this short to ensure it gets read.

Wife wants to go out to a bachelorette party tomorrow night - I had planned to stay home with the kiddo for the night.

I get a text from my buddies, who I have now not seen in over a month, a day ago asking if I can come help them side a house and then go to a football game later in the evening. Awesome! However this is going to be an all day thing: side from 8AM until 4-5PM and then football at 7PM to 9 or 10PM.

I call baby sitter - she is lined up and can come at 4PM giving wife 3 hours to get ready. This was not enough time as she just wanted 'one day to herself' - so I call mother in law - she is lined up to be here at 11AM and I will go late to siding to appease her - so now son is covered from the time he gets up until the the next day or longer if we need it. S

Wife is now angry with me because I am 'shirking my responsibilities' as a parent and am not willing to take responsibility for my son.

For the record I: alternate making dinner every night, take him to day care EVERY morning, pick him up almost every night, do almost all baths/bed times, and always try to spend quality time with him. We both work and I try to establish 'equality' as much as I can in terms of cooking, dishes, picking up toys, garbage, etc. you get the picture.

This past summer I did play softball, and every Thursday she had to fend for herself for dinner and sometimes bath if I didn't make it home early enough. I also spent maybe 4 weekends in softball tournaments.

I feel like she now has this internal 'parental time' calculator to which she's added every hour she's had to 'sacrifice' watching our son while I went and did 'my thing.' According to her it is much too hard to get anything done with a 2 year old around - she can't shop, she can't clean, she can't even shower (during his nap) - he apparently completely incapacitates her. The time I watch him I manage to do this stuff - I have fun shopping with him, I clean and play with him in parallel, etc. I don't get how this bundle of love and fun is such a damn burden.. but I digress..

I'll also note she has very few friends and never does much of anything.. but makes sure she complains when I have things to do and is constantly texting to see 'when will you be home?'

Selfish jerk or lazy, self-centered, emotionally scarred wife lashing out? You can guess which I am thinking but I wanted to get some opinions.. happy to give more detail if needed..
 

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is she for real???

there has to be something deeper going on bc it doesn't make sense for her to have an issue.

i'd be pissed off if childcare wasn't lined up. and it's not like you just got some random person to be with him. he'll be with grandma!! kids LOVE that sh*t!! she should be happy you didn't shove the burden of finding care onto her. you recognized these are your plans so you took care of the details. her life isn't altered even one tiny bit.
 

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We are now having a text argument. I am retyping this unaltered:

Her: "Can you at least stay thru lunchtime so that I can go to my appointment and run a few errands afterwards"
Me: "Dude - what part of 'I covered the entire day' didn't you understand?
Her: "When my mom gets there we will take him to the park I have groupon passes to."
Me: YOU go do YOUR thing
Her: "I'm just asking you to stay a little longer so I cna get some things done. I wasn't expecting you to be gone all day, I just had more to do and didn't realize I needed to make sure I cleared the entire day with you for the plans you had that I didn't know about. Until last night that is.
Me: FFS - I'm done with this - I couldn't make it any easier for you
Her: FFS?
Me: Yet you are still intent on busting my balls and making this a fight.
Me: I'm done - you do what you do tomorrow - but know Rhys has good and fun care all day and you are not needed for anything
Her: I'm trying not to, I'm just asking for an inch here, but you're giving me a millimeter. So I'm pushing back. I need an inch.



I literally think she's lost her mind.. I have every aspect of the day now covered. All she has to do is wake up, shower, kiss our son, go do her thing and go party - yet she's got an issue. Makes me want to pull the hair out of my head.
 

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i don't get it? that whole thing has me very confused. what is the problem? the child is covered. is she feeling guilty that neither parent will be home w the child all day? if she is,that's f**ked up and it's helicopter parenting at its finest.

she needs to loosen up a bit. damn. even I'M irritated after reading that back and forth texting.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Ahh - her point of contention - 'why should my mom have to 'suffer' so you can do what you want to do and take on YOUR responsibility?' (I am starting to think my 'debt' theory is very correct)..

Yes darling, your mother who has been BEGGING to watch her grandson is surely suffering and feels burdened - that explains her calling and asking to watch him and being excited when I took her up on it and offering to stay through the next day so you and I can have some 'us' time if we want..
 

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sounds like shes mad because you got out of your "responsibilities" so easily (watching your child), im not sure why shes mad though, no reason to be,

is she home alot watching your child while you are out? if so, maybe she is trying to make you see what its like to be home while she is out
 

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oh.my.goodness.

SUFFER?? lol she's grandma! they're ALWAYS complaining about not getting enough time with their grandbabies!

seriously man, you need to figure out what the REAL issue is because it's not about childcare.
 

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I know a woman who can't get anything done, because she has a baby. Well, he'll be 3 years old soon, and she still can't shower, and regularly complains that there's no time to even eat. Funny, I raised 3 of the little buggers, and I always had plenty of time for myself. So much, at times, I feel positively selfish!

Some women are just martyrs. You hit it dead on when you said she's pissed because, bing-bang-boom, you sorted yourself out easily for your night out.

She probably doesn't want you going out either, judging by the "when will you be home" texts.
 

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I feel bad for you and totally get it. I have a 21 month old little girl and I've had to take care of her for 1-2 week periods at a time when wife goes out of town for work meetings and it is EASY. We have fun, we get our stuff done, we eat healthy, etc. and when my wife hears how much fun we're having and how little stress is causes me she actually gets annoyed because she knows she can't pretend like it's sooooo hard having a kid.

I don't get it. They talk about babies forever and then when they have one, it's like they're lives are ruined!(Not all of them so don't yell at me). I think it's funny because I think it is always a joy and never all that hard.
 

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She's jealous. Getting help with your kid in order to go do what you want was easy peasy mac and cheesy and she can't stand it.

IGNORE and go have fun with your boys!!!

Seriously some women just love to beotch. After a few drinks at the party maybe she'll lighten up and be hot and ready to apologize to you for the drama. wink wink
 

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No, you are not being selfish or irresponsible. In my humble opinion, you seem to be trying to reason with someone you already know is irrational. Big mistake. Don't argue and don't allow yourself to be hurt. Make all the necessary arrangements, reassure her as best you can and go enjoy your day
 

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I too think she wants you to have a taste of what's it's like to be with your child all day

I also think that you gys have a bunch of underlying issues that neither of you cares to surface. If your dynamic doesn't change in the near future, I see divorce in your future
 

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Holy christ. If my ex had done what you did, maybe we'd still be married.

I was a single mom with a 4 month old, a 2 year old and a 4 year old, till they were 5, 7 and 9 years old. Somehow I managed to have a clean house, food on the table, hold down a full time job, and find another husband with three little kids. Sometimes I even got to shave my legs :)

Your wife needs a SERIOUS reality check.
 

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I don't get it. They talk about babies forever and then when they have one, it's like they're lives are ruined!(Not all of them so don't yell at me). I think it's funny because I think it is always a joy and never all that hard.
We need to keep in mind that the moms had to birth these kids themselves and they have issues with their mothers to deal with. Us guys are spared all that.
 

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That sounds annoying, and I think you are in the right on this one. Here are some things to think about, though:

Everyone needs to feel appreciated and feel like someone is sympathetic towards them. It sounds to me like she wants sympathy from you and this problem is the form that the want is taking. You may not have a problem doing activities while watching your son, but she might perceive it as being stressful. Ultimately, it doesn't matter how much trouble you think she has with your son. What matters is her perception of it, which is what dictates her reality.

You might want to look at "How To Win Friends and Influence People". Look up Part III section 9 titled "What Everybody Wants". There's an excellent and comic example of someone acting similarly to how I think your wife is.

This isn't really going to help you in the current situation, but maybe you will get a better understanding of how to handle similar future situations like this.
 

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No, you are not being selfish or irresponsible. In my humble opinion, you seem to be trying to reason with someone you already know is irrational. Big mistake. Don't argue and don't allow yourself to be hurt. Make all the necessary arrangements, reassure her as best you can and go enjoy your day
:iagree:

The more you try to prove that you are right and she is wrong, the more defensive she'll be about it. Even if you can prove that she is wrong, she will just resent you for it.
 

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I used to get pissed like this with my ex, but it was mainly because he shirked all the responsibilities in the house and with the kids. I did everything and he got to have all the fun.

Doesn't sound like this is the case here, so I don't think she has much to stand on.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
I too think she wants you to have a taste of what's it's like to be with your child all day

I also think that you gys have a bunch of underlying issues that neither of you cares to surface. If your dynamic doesn't change in the near future, I see divorce in your future
We've been down (are going down?) the divorce path and are in counseling now.. things have not been good for about 6 months.. I am trying very hard to get to the root of the issues with her and she is currently taking new medications (prozac etc) to try and balance herself out.

Many of her issues are actually family related as well.. it's a deep rabbit hole. My issue is: being in the thick for so long I've lost site of what a 'common normal' ideal might even be..
 
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