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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
First I would like to say Thanks to who ever created this website and to everyone who visits and post on this site. This site has made my situation bearable over the last few weeks.

Here is my story

So in the beginning of December I get “We need to talk” from my wife. I say ok, what’s up. She says. “I’m not happy, I am thinking about moving out and getting a divorce.”

Now that may seem normal for some situations, but keep in mind my wife has never once told me there was a problem in our marriage. She has never complained to me about any big issues that needed addressed. For the most part we had a very good marriage. I am faithful husband we rarely argue, I have my freedom in the marriage and she had hers.

Needless to say I was beyond shocked, my heart fell to the floor, and I felt like I was having a panic attack. So I asked why aren’t you happy and why do you feel divorce is the solution? I thought we were happy, you have never mentioned any problems before.

Anyhow long story short, there were many things that had bothered her for a very long time. I worked a full time job and also ran a business which took an additional 30 hours a week. I did a great job of being a father and taking care of the kids but a lousy job of being a loving husband and being there for my wife emotionally and physically. She basically felt abandoned. The problem was she never once in 3 years said a word to me about it. If I told her I was going out of town she was always ok with it. Never complained etc.. She did tell me a few times; I don’t need all of those things so if you don’t want to work so hard don’t. But she never told me I would rather spend time with you than have you work on making extra income. I honestly thought I was father or husband of the year. Working two jobs, to provide an above normal life for our family hopefully doing well enough to retire in 5 more years and relax. Keep in mind I am only 45 and my wife 35. I have a 14 year old daughter from a previous relationship and a 5 year old with my wife.

There were more problems she never mentioned as well. Problems with her step daughter, me not spending enough time with her, me leaving her out of large financial decisions, she felt like her opinion didn’t matter, and she felt like she had no control or say in our marriage.

My wife and I both have always been the kind of people who just handle our problems and emotions. We don’t fight over things, if she is mad about something she will take a few minutes to bury that anger and then just live with it. Communication is probably our only issues but lack of it has caused many issues, which have festered in her mind for years.

We have been together for 11 years and married for 6. I just found out last week that she was considering divorcing me over well over a year ago. But she never once spoke to me about the problems or asked me to make any changes or talk about things. She just lived with that pain, hurt and anger until it bacame too much and she felf divorce was the only way out.

My marriage is the most important thing on the planet to me. Once she told me about these problems, the biggest one being my business. The next day, I quit the business and started working on fixing all the other issues she had mentioned.

I had her create me a list of everything that was bothering her. I have made some drastic changes over the last two months. Now keep in mind these are changes I wanted and needed to make. Not changes she requested because she wanted to be married to a different kind of person.

When I actually sat back and looked at my situation, I quickly realized I needed to chnage. In reality, if I can save my marriage this is the best thing that ever happened to me. It has made me a better person, father, and will make me a better husband. I am much happier now my relationship with my kids, my mother, grandmother, friends, co workers, etc are all much better now.

She has recognized and appreciates these changes. She said if these were made a year ago I am sure everything would be just fine.

Now she has a very large wall up and will not let me in. She has told me she knows I am a great father and a great person, we have the same values, she is happy with all the changes I have made. She said to me every part of me knows I should want to try and fix our marriage but I can’t. She even said I know I will probably regret it and I could be making the biggest F**King mistake of my life. But I just get over the hurt and anger I feel. She says she has disconnected from me and is not in love with me any more.

And she doesn't believe she can fall in love with me again.

She has almost moved out 3 different times now and I have convinced her to stay. One time she told me she was scared to move out and wanted to go out on a date with me to see if she would have any romantic feelings. We went out on a 6 hour date and had great conversation. I thought it went well. She said she didn't have any romantic feelings and took that as a sign that she would not be able to ever again. I told her it took you over a year to disconnect from me, how can you expect to get those feelings back on one date?

She has told me recently, “I know you are willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage but I am not. The only thing I am willing to do is see a counselor on a personal level and see if I can get over the hurt and anger I feel.” She had her first session a couple of days ago.

So we are still living together, we do not sleep in the same bed, and she will have nothing to do with me physically, she is not even comfortable holding my hand, or giving my son a group hug when he asks us for one. She said she needs some space and some time to work through things, which I am giving her. We do still talk and text daily, we are friendly but do not do anything together besides maybe watch a little TV.

I'is getting very hard for me. She is basically living a single life under my roof. We have mocked up split custody, IE: weekends and days as if we were living separately, on her days without her son she is gone off and out on the town, concerts, out dancing, running around with her friends, etc.

Now she has never been on her own, she has always lived with someone me, a friend, her mom, etc. I think she is going through some kind of midlife crisis thinking she missed out on something, thinking the grass is greener being single. And it is as long as she is single and living under my roof. She has the best of both worlds.

So finally to the question…

Am I screwing up my chances of reconciliation by allowing her to live comfortably under my roof while she tries to work through things? I think she is experiencing a false sense of what it will be like to be single. She is living in her own home, paying no bills, not uprooting her son. I feel I am making it too easy on her.

Your thoughts are greatly appreciated.
 

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Have you considered the fact that there could be someone else? I think you should do some digging.
 

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I agree with Katy to look for someone else.

Does she work? Are you still paying for her single lifestyle? That's the first thing I would cut off. Make her pay for her phone, insurance, car, nights out, etc. If that means she has to go find a job, so be it. Welcome to the real world of a single adult.

She's told you she didn't need all the financial support you were busting your ass to give her, so scraping by without your wallet to lean on should be no big deal to her, right?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Have you considered the fact that there could be someone else? I think you should do some digging.
There is another interest, who she is attracted to. So I know that is also playing in here. I have done a lot of digging and have friends who actually know this guy. So I have been able to get good and accurate information.

She has never touched him nor has he touched her. She has told him she is married and they could never be together unless she was divorced. But they do continue to talk via text. She tells me their conversation is only friendly he tells her about his kids, they talk about gardening, ETC.

I have told her she will never get her feelings back for me unless she breaks all contact with this guy.

Now the guy preys on married women and she knows it, he also has domestic violence charges, his kids are a mess, and his life is all messed up. She has told me she knows she could never be with someone like him, but she is attracted to him.

I think that's why she feels it doesn't matter that she is still talking to him. But I know it does matter.

I know they have not dated or even been together outside of her work. But he is a client of hers and does come into her office from time to time.

I have told her two weeks ago she either needs to quit talking to him or put me out of my misery and move out. This is when she agreed to see the counselor to figure out if she could work through the anger and hurt she is feeling.

I do not know if she has quit talking to him, we have not talked about things since.
 

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Does the OM have a wife?
 

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Your situation is similar to mine.....the Walk Away Wife, living separate lives under the same roof, an EA (and now possibly more in my case).

I think you are doing very well - better than me. You've got to have the discipline to walk away, to accept that it's all over and move on with your life, and have the strength not to provide her with a "safe place" that she can come back to if it doesn't work out on her own or with another man (i.e. being her Plan B). Paradoxically turning your back on it all (and really doing it rather than just acting) is the best chance of a reconciliation.

She has to make the journey back to you - if she wants to. In order to do that she has to get over her anger and hurt so that she can begin to look at you objectively again. Right now she can't see any of your good points, only your bad. She can't imagine loving you again - but that does not mean that it is not possible. And when she puts a future with you alongside a future either on her own or with someone else, the alternative future looks much better to her. But that will not necessarily always be the case. It just takes time and it requires her to be in a position where she has some prospect/fear of losing you. If she thinks that you will always be there than that will always devalue you in her opinion because you are inviting her to take you for granted.


It's so easy to type all of this and so hard to do.
 

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Your story sounds a lot like mine. Together 13 years, married 8 then one night I get the I'm not happy speech. Says she was unhappy for sometime, but never spoke up. She then gives me a list of what her issues were I address each one and have a gameplan on how to fix them. When she sees that I am taking action, she gives me the I love you, but I'm not in love with you. The one thing I can't change is her feelings. She put up the wall, and once she checked out, I knew it was over. I searched for proof of another man, but did not find any. I believe it was toxic friends, that pushed us apart.

You need to have her stop all contact with the OM, or it will never get better. Also if her mind is made up, I'm not sure you can break down that wall. We did MC, and she admitted that the wall was there, but did not know how to let go of it. We tried the dating thing also, and all she would say is that there was no connection.

I reached a point where I was tired of fighting for something that she did not want. It is hard to give up, but in my mind it was harder to stay. I would think something was going great, and she would say it is just not there. She pushed me so far away, it was easier to keep going away than it was to turn and fight. Only you can know when that point is reached, and it is not an easy decision to make.

I would just start focusing on you and the kids. I picked up a new hobby, got a couple tattoos, and started hitting the gym. I am making this a learning experience, one that will better me for the future. It sucks, and there are still nights that I regret my decision. This past weekend, I sent a text to her to see if we are making the right call, and she told me to think of all of the bad times as well as the good. The funny thing is I never had any bad times to recall. It takes two to stay married, but only one can ruin it. Good luck, keep your head up it will get better.
 

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Do her parents, family and friends know she's having an affair?
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Your situation is similar to mine.....the Walk Away Wife, living separate lives under the same roof, an EA (and now possibly more in my case).

I think you are doing very well - better than me. You've got to have the discipline to walk away, to accept that it's all over and move on with your life, and have the strength not to provide her with a "safe place" that she can come back to if it doesn't work out on her own or with another man (i.e. being her Plan B). Paradoxically turning your back on it all (and really doing it rather than just acting) is the best chance of a reconciliation.

She has to make the journey back to you - if she wants to. In order to do that she has to get over her anger and hurt so that she can begin to look at you objectively again. Right now she can't see any of your good points, only your bad. She can't imagine loving you again - but that does not mean that it is not possible. And when she puts a future with you alongside a future either on her own or with someone else, the alternative future looks much better to her. But that will not necessarily always be the case. It just takes time and it requires her to be in a position where she has some prospect/fear of losing you. If she thinks that you will always be there than that will always devalue you in her opinion because you are inviting her to take you for granted.


It's so easy to type all of this and so hard to do.
I agree with all of this, Almost everything I have read tells me this is what I should be doing. Letting her go, fear of loss, etc..

It's almost impossible for me to do that.. Every time I get ready to try that I find some justification as to why I shouldn't.

Here is my latest excuse. My wife is very stubborn, once she makes up her mind there is little chance of changing it. She also always has to be right. As you know from above she will bury emotion good or bad.

So my concern is if she moves out, and figures out it's not what she wants and realizes she messed up. I am afraid she will just live with the decision to leave based on her stubbornness and not wanting to be wrong. Will she just deal with the pain and hurt of being wrong rather than try to R with me?

This is the main reason I struggle to cut her loose. It's a catch 22.
 

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Here is my latest excuse. My wife is very stubborn, once she makes up her mind there is little chance of changing it. She also always has to be right. As you know from above she will bury emotion good or bad.

So my concern is if she moves out, and figures out it's not what she wants and realizes she messed up. I am afraid she will just live with the decision to leave based on her stubbornness and not wanting to be wrong. Will she just deal with the pain and hurt of being wrong rather than try to R with me? .
Walking away from her means no longer taking responsibility for her mistakes or trying to fix them.

It also means that you fully accept that it is over. That means that you do not hang onto hopes that you might reconcile at some point. Of course you may choose to remain open to that possibility but you do not let your life revolve around that hope. That is not letting go.

Again, so easy to see what you need to do and to write this stuff, so hard to have the same clarity and do what's required when it comes to my own.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Your story sounds a lot like mine. Together 13 years, married 8 then one night I get the I'm not happy speech. Says she was unhappy for sometime, but never spoke up. She then gives me a list of what her issues were I address each one and have a gameplan on how to fix them. When she sees that I am taking action, she gives me the I love you, but I'm not in love with you. The one thing I can't change is her feelings. She put up the wall, and once she checked out, I knew it was over. I searched for proof of another man, but did not find any. I believe it was toxic friends, that pushed us apart.

You need to have her stop all contact with the OM, or it will never get better. Also if her mind is made up, I'm not sure you can break down that wall. We did MC, and she admitted that the wall was there, but did not know how to let go of it. We tried the dating thing also, and all she would say is that there was no connection.

I reached a point where I was tired of fighting for something that she did not want. It is hard to give up, but in my mind it was harder to stay. I would think something was going great, and she would say it is just not there. She pushed me so far away, it was easier to keep going away than it was to turn and fight. Only you can know when that point is reached, and it is not an easy decision to make.

I would just start focusing on you and the kids. I picked up a new hobby, got a couple tattoos, and started hitting the gym. I am making this a learning experience, one that will better me for the future. It sucks, and there are still nights that I regret my decision. This past weekend, I sent a text to her to see if we are making the right call, and she told me to think of all of the bad times as well as the good. The funny thing is I never had any bad times to recall. It takes two to stay married, but only one can ruin it. Good luck, keep your head up it will get better.
I am sorry things turned out that way for you.

Congrats on being strong. How long was it before you were able to come to terms with it and let her go? And how long have you been apart since you made the decision.

BTW I got the same I love you but not in love with you BS after I made all the changes.

I have come to terms with the fact that the only thing I can control is myself. So I have joined a gym, and am now in probably the best shape of my life.

I am also working on me and the kids, which helps. I am way more focused on the kids than her. She seems to be pulling away from them also. It's like she just wants to be single. I honestly think this has nothing to do with the other guy besides she sees possibilities and not with him but with others.

I don't have to tell anyone here how hard it is to deal with this on a daily basis. I am a very positive person and try to keep my head up and stay positive but every hour of every day is a new struggle.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Do her parents, family and friends know she's having an affair?
I'm not sure I would consider it an affair, there has been noting but conversation between them.

Although The Bible states lust for another is Adultery. I'm not sure about attraction. I am attracted to a lot of other women but I don't communicate with them regularly.

Anyhow, yes I do believe most people who know her well know about this guy. They know she is attracted to him she holds firm that he is not a problem.

Her father just passed away 6 months ago, so she is also dealing with that loss. I have yet to see her cry or mourn him.
 

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I went through a separation, My story has a better ending. Nothing we tell you will make you feel better, I'm afraid. YOu are going to have to either give up now and separate or show her what she will be missing. Read the rules of the 180. Don't beg - she already has checked out and has probably been preparing at least mentally for a while. Don't follow her around. Don't ask about the relationship. Don't ask for another chance. Just "be cool". Even though your insides have been churned into butter, she needs to see a rock solid man that is strong and can move on.
But most importantly, you are doing this for you. Remember she has already checked out. Your main concern now needs to be preparing your mind. In the meantime, what you are doing for YOURSELF may woo her back. It may not. It's still fresh in my mind what I went through for 4 months (many in here have gone much longer) but the light at the end of the tunnel is that you will come out of this ok, with or without her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Walking away from her means no longer taking responsibility for her mistakes or trying to fix them.

It also means that you fully accept that it is over. That means that you do not hang onto hopes that you might reconcile at some point. Of course you may choose to remain open to that possibility but you do not let your life revolve around that hope. That is not letting go.

Again, so easy to see what you need to do and to write this stuff, so hard to have the same clarity and do what's required when it comes to my own.
Voltaire, I am no where near ready for what you describe above. It's only been 2 months since she told me she wanted a D.

If I ask her to move out it will be with hopes that she comes to a realization that she is messing up and wants me back.

In my eyes this will be like playing a game, that's another reason I have such a hard time with it. I'm not into games it feels like deception to me. But it seems to be my only hope for salvaging my marriage.
 

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I agree with Katy to look for someone else.

Does she work? Are you still paying for her single lifestyle? That's the first thing I would cut off. Make her pay for her phone, insurance, car, nights out, etc. If that means she has to go find a job, so be it. Welcome to the real world of a single adult.

She's told you she didn't need all the financial support you were busting your ass to give her, so scraping by without your wallet to lean on should be no big deal to her, right?
While we've only heard one side of things, it is SO disappointing to hear a spouse checkout of their marriage because their husband/wife does not "complete" them. Or, that due to circumstances beyond one's control, life becomes more difficult and everyone has to pull together, make some changes/sacrifices and work together as a team.

From what I've read here and personal stories of family friends, etc -- more often than not, it's the wife who simply says she wants out. The husband, despite his best efforts to improve things, gets passed over for a man the WW determines is more 'fit' for her.

Disgusting and seemingly more apt to happen nowadays than in previous generations. So again....WHY would a man want to get married nowadays when the risk and financial damage is so great?

Welcome to Marriage 2.0 and why men are opting out.
 

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While we've only heard one side of things, it is SO disappointing to hear a spouse checkout of their marriage because their husband/wife does not "complete" them. Or, that due to circumstances beyond one's control, life becomes more difficult and everyone has to pull together, make some changes/sacrifices and work together as a team.

From what I've read here and personal stories of family friends, etc -- more often than not, it's the wife who simply says she wants out. The husband, despite his best efforts to improve things, gets passed over for a man the WW determines is more 'fit' for her.

Disgusting and seemingly more apt to happen nowadays than in previous generations. So again....WHY would a man want to get married nowadays when the risk and financial damage is so great?

Welcome to Marriage 2.0 and why men are opting out.
dreald,

Have you ever heard of the term hypergamy?



Never pay again for live sex! | Hot girls doing naughty stuff for free! | Chat for free!
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I went through a separation, My story has a better ending. Nothing we tell you will make you feel better, I'm afraid. YOu are going to have to either give up now and separate or show her what she will be missing. Read the rules of the 180. Don't beg - she already has checked out and has probably been preparing at least mentally for a while. Don't follow her around. Don't ask about the relationship. Don't ask for another chance. Just "be cool". Even though your insides have been churned into butter, she needs to see a rock solid man that is strong and can move on.
But most importantly, you are doing this for you. Remember she has already checked out. Your main concern now needs to be preparing your mind. In the meantime, what you are doing for YOURSELF may woo her back. It may not. It's still fresh in my mind what I went through for 4 months (many in here have gone much longer) but the light at the end of the tunnel is that you will come out of this ok, with or without her.
Thanks Mark, this is solid advise... I have read many how to get your wife back books, ebook, plans, ETC. And every one of them gives this same advise.

In my mind I know this is what I should be doing and I am doing it to some extent. I have been working feverishly on myself. Bought new clothes, working out, haircut, shaved off my goatee I've had for 20 years. Reading a lot of books on personal growth..

Not asking her daily about things, not letting her know things she does bother me.

However, she is still living in my house, but we are living separate lives in the house. She goes out every other weekend and I go out the opposite. Even if I have no where to go I leave the house so she thinks I am out. We do talk when we are both home, we eat breakfast together with the kids every morning. In the evening during the week we see each other maybe 30 mins a night max.

I feel this is making it too easy on her. I am still footing the bill. I pay all the household bills. She buy groceries and that's it. If she was living on her own she would be way more stressed out. I pick up the kids, feed them, bathe them, put them to bed, because I get home first. She works til 8pm kids are in bed by 730. She drops the kids off in the morning.

She does still know I want to fix the marriage. It's the reason I suggested she didn't move out. Honestly I was so scared if she moved out I would never get her back... Now I'm thinking I should of packed her bags, to instill some fear of loss.

The one time she almost moved out was the closest she ever was to wanting to R. She was scared sh**less and wanted to go out on a date.

You would think that would clue me in to what is going to help her find her way back to me. But like you said that's easier said than done.
 
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