Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 14 of 14 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have been married for a little over 5 years now and this is my second marriage. Since the beginning of my marriage I have had trust issues because my husband liked to spend his time hiding phone sex calls, cyber chatting and watching porn while I was working. I left 2 jobs because of this at 2 different times.

Lately the argument is over whether or not I should have access to passwords or not. If he has nothing to hide, whats the big deal? He treats me like a common thief in my own home because he has bad memory issues due to a deployment and I get blamed for his loss of things. He tells me that I push my feelings onto him (whatever that means) and that I should let everything go when he says its no big deal. Everytime we fight, the next day he gets up and acts like it never happened and if I mention it, I have to hear about that did not happen today so it doesn't matter. When I try to talk about the problem the day before he gets conveniently tired and blows me off.

I sit here all the time wondering why the hell I am even here if I get called selfish for feeling. He tells me the only time I ever think if myself is when its about my damn feelings. I also hear how its selfish of me to tell him my feelings because I am not thinking of him and how much he doesn't care about it. If I bring up a topic and it causes and argument I get blamed for the whole thing because I approached the topic. It never has anything to do with how he reacts to my feelings. I do not work because we live in a small town and I cannot find anything in my field so I am kinda stuck and it really sux cus I do not know what the hell I am doing with such a selfish person.

We tried counseling 2 times. Both of which he interpreted everything to fit his twisted view of how the world should work according to him. If I even show a facial expression of any emotion, I get belittled. He calls me controlling when all I do is clean this stupid house, pay the bills and wonder if he is going to be home on time cus I cant do anything let alone even try to find a job because Im a nosy b*tch if I want to know anything....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I just want to know what the hell is wrong with him???? Everything I say that has anything to do with me sparks anger and defense in him. I feel like an idiot because I cant even mention anything that references a prior day... And when I tell him I feel a certain way when he says or does certain things he says well if you feel that way then leave. If I say for instance, you hide your phone all the time and it makes me feel like you are hiding something, he comes back with "well you..., yet you... he always deflects my issues and makes the situation about what I do to him. According to him, my feelings are something done to him. I just want to know if this crap is normal or if he really does have a screw loose...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
To kathybatsel, I have never given him a reason not to trust me and there is no other person that we know of that would ever even say anything less than how giving and loving I am. I trust him regardless of what he has done. But in a marriage, it is supposed to be open and trustful. I can say something as simple as I am cold and he comes back with something mean. Right now I do not like him very much but that does not mean I do not love him. He is very passive aggressive and I cannot even approach the topic to seek help that he was told he needed after his deployment because he does not want it
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
270 Posts
Do you even love this guy? I won't ask about "like". You said he has been deployed so is there any PTSD or any other related issues going on because of his deployment? Just a thought but I did know a couple who had problems similar to this. Domestic issues seemed like nothing to him after coming home from where he had been and what he had seen.

Edit - I see that you answered the love question.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,361 Posts
You have resources through the military to get help if he has PTSD. It doesn't sound to me like that is the issue, though. It also doesn't sound like passive-aggressive behavior if he's saying mean things. It sounds like trust and compatibility issues existed before he was deployed. Even though I agree that deployment can have the effects inmytree described, I suspect you'd still be fighting these things even if he'd never gone away.

You say you want to know what is wrong with him. Why? Will understanding it make you ok with being treated this way?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,566 Posts
I just want to know what the hell is wrong with him????
Well, he certainly isn't going to tell you, because he doesn't think he's the one with the problem. My guess is he has a narcisstic streak. Even if we spitball this and come up with a label for him, what do you hope to achieve with that information?

No, you are not crazy for wanting to talk things out or make some sense of your relationship. The thing is, he is what he is. Whatever THAT is ... Bottom line: there might be any number of things wrong with him, but he's not the one posting here. You are.

Why are you staying?

And when I tell him I feel a certain way when he says or does certain things he says well if you feel that way then leave.

I just want to know if this crap is normal or if he really does have a screw loose...
Maybe he has a "screw loose" or maybe he's just one mean SOB. I think you know this isn't a healthy relationship. He's told you if you don't like it, you can leave. Maybe the best thing for your hapiness and well-being would be to take him up on his suggestion.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
no but maybe I will be able to find some resources to help me deal with the problems and oh whatever! I do not know why I even bothered with this. I am just talking to unqualified people who know nothing and think they know everything. I should really know better than that
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,566 Posts
Sorry we weren't the resource you needed. I wish you the best in finding the answers you seek.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,361 Posts
Well, here are my qualifications, pastinsanity:

I am a former soldier who was a drug and alcohol counselor for the U.S. Army. I was married to a combat soldier (bronze star recipient) for 11 years and have a daughter who served in Iraq and returned with PTSD. I am now in my mid-40s. I have run the gamut in relationships - had MANY that failed. My 2nd marriage, the one I mentioned above, was mostly good, but deployment turned into betrayals that couldn't be overcome. I have since remarried, and as we're entering our third year together, we are still as affectionate and joyous as we were in our first two months together (only better.)

I assure you that I am not trying to be cold to you. I'm not judging you or him.

I am asking you some hard questions because if you'll answer them, it will help you figure out if you're wasting your time. I realize you're not in a good position to leave even if you did want to, and that you do care about this man and don't want to simply turn your back on what you've invested so much in.

But yes, I think you're fighting a losing battle. I would like to give you resources that will help. You can start with your military community. It's probably premature to get his commander involved, but you can certainly seek help yourself and if he won't agree to go, speak to his commander. He would then become a command referral and would be expected to comply with medical recommendations or risk getting in trouble. I've been out for many years now, but I believe that PTSD evaluation and treatment have been very ramped up and are easy to access in recent years.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,520 Posts
The layman's term is crazy-making. Making you feel crazy for normal behavior. It's mental abuse.

The hiding of passwords is a big no-no for us. All of the other emotional abuse has to be dealt with or you will be ground into dust. You have to set your conditions down as ultimatums. Fix this or I'm out of here. And you have to mean it. I have tremendous compassion for PTSD or whatever he has, but if he isn't going to work on it then there is no reason to stay with him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,566 Posts
I am just talking to unqualified people who know nothing and think they know everything.
If you want a qualified, professional opinion as to what your husband's problem may be, you are right. The people here are not psychiatrists or psychologists. Even if they were, professional ethics would dictate that they not give a diagnosis without meeting the client.

I don't "know everything," but my husband served 20-plus years in the Army and I lived through deployments. However, if you don't think we know anything, you certainly have a right to your opinion.
 
  • Like
Reactions: KathyBatesel
1 - 14 of 14 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top