Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 20 of 57 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have a super confused and almost scary problem.

I am a Dad of 4 in a marriage of 17 yrs. I married young to my 1st girlfriend. Problem we are not the same as we once was and this has been years. I am super silly, I love to joke. She has always tried to change that. She loves to talk but when I have something on my mind it is never recipicated in discussíon due to lack of interest, kind of makes her mad with all my interest. For the last decade, I do not make out with her. I avoid sex with her. I hate to say it but I have also stepped out of the relationship for some chemistry which I have found in the past. We almost have 0 commonalities.

I met a girl in the same position as me. Everything the same. Crazy thing is we have so many things in common. We are super physically attracted to each other and are lives and interests are the same all the way to out dog breads we love, we are kid like and have fun/great relationships with our kids. To be honest I would say dream girl but would be an understatement. She is scared because she feels the same way. We have never had sex even. Usually sex is a huge attraction but I just want to be in her presence. I can't even fathom not having her in my life one shape or another. Chemistry is off the charts.

I know we would be awesome with each other's kids and our kids would likely be awesome too.

Questions my dream girl and myself has
Is it really worth staying with my spouse knowing it is going nowhere due to the kids?

Can a bad marriage bleed over affecting kids?

Is it worth divorcing over the girl that you have like 50 commonalities that you know we will never have a dull moment in life?

Can a divorce enhance kids lives ever?

We are both scared about this situation and just head over heels about each other. We have spouses that are good people but love is just not in the ever for years.

Should my dream girl and I give it a go with each other even though we have small kids.

(She is a math teacher and I practice emergency medicine)
(My wife is a stay at home mom that has yelled at me almost everyday. Makes me feel inadequate. She is still a good mom and loving though.)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,850 Posts
I think you need to stop all contact with the OW, you are not free to be with her, you are a married man with 4 children. Then ask your wife if she would come to MC with you, and work on your issues together. Your marriage will never work if you are pining/lusting after another woman, is she married BTW? If so you would be responsible for breaking up 2 families with small children.
If you do eventually decide to divorce her(which definately will badly affect all the children), then once you are divorced you will be free to persue someone else.
You have already cheated so she does have reason to end the marriage if she chooses, does she know that you cheated? Does she know that you spend all this time with another married woman?

The grass on the other side of the fence is rarely greener. Once you get there you see that it too has weeds and moss and bare patches.This idilic picture you have built in your mind isnt reality, for a start you will have 2 very hurting spouses to deal with and go through divorces with, and several hurting unhappy children.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
I have a super confused and almost scary problem.

I am a Dad of 4 in a marriage of 17 yrs. I married young to my 1st girlfriend. Problem we are not the same as we once was and this has been years. I am super silly, I love to joke. She has always tried to change that. She loves to talk but when I have something on my mind it is never recipicated in discussíon due to lack of interest, kind of makes her mad with all my interest. For the last decade, I do not make out with her. I avoid sex with her. I hate to say it but I have also stepped out of the relationship for some chemistry which I have found in the past. We almost have 0 commonalities.

I met a girl in the same position as me. Everything the same. Crazy thing is we have so many things in common. We are super physically attracted to each other and are lives and interests are the same all the way to out dog breads we love, we are kid like and have fun/great relationships with our kids. To be honest I would say dream girl but would be an understatement. She is scared because she feels the same way. We have never had sex even. Usually sex is a huge attraction but I just want to be in her presence. I can't even fathom not having her in my life one shape or another. Chemistry is off the charts.

I know we would be awesome with each other's kids and our kids would likely be awesome too.

Questions my dream girl and myself has
Is it really worth staying with my spouse knowing it is going nowhere due to the kids?

Can a bad marriage bleed over affecting kids?

Is it worth divorcing over the girl that you have like 50 commonalities that you know we will never have a dull moment in life?

Can a divorce enhance kids lives ever?

We are both scared about this situation and just head over heels about each other. We have spouses that are good people but love is just not in the ever for years.

Should my dream girl and I give it a go with each other even though we have small kids.

(She is a math teacher and I practice emergency medicine)
(My wife is a stay at home mom that has yelled at me almost everyday. Makes me feel inadequate. She is still a good mom and loving though.)
I’m sorry I’m not sure I understand the question. Should you give it a go with your dream girl? Like divorce your wife? No. You should divorce your wife because you are a cheat. You have cheated on her before this correct? You are a serial cheater. The worst kind of fraud.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I think you need to stop all contact with the OW, you are not free to be with her, you are a married man with 4 children. Then ask your wife if she would come to MC with you, and work on your issues together. Your marriage will never work if you are pining/lusting after another woman, is she married BTW? If so you would be responsible for breaking up 2 families with small children.
If you do eventually decide to divorce her(which definately will badly affect all the children), then once you are divorced you will be free to persue someone else.
You have already cheated so she does have reason to end the marriage if she chooses, does she know that you cheated? Does she know that you spend all this time with another married woman?

The grass on the other side of the fence is rarely greener. Once you get there you see that it too has weeds and moss and bare patches.
Yeah, everyone knows about my past about cheating. I don't even see this other girl really. Throughout the years it seems like I get online searching. But that's the thing. Our bad marriages worth getting out if you believe it is toxic to kids when my wife and I are so mean to each other which she cannot control in front of the kids. I have asked her numerous times to go to MC and even told her years ago I was thinking of divorce.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I’m sorry I’m not sure I understand the question. Should you give it a go with your dream girl? Like divorce your wife? No. You should divorce your wife because you are a cheat. You have cheated on her before this correct? You are a serial cheater. The worst kind of fraud.
I knew I was gonna get heat. I have cheated before for sex. Never for a possible forever love. Everyone in my family has had divorces but actually have had successful marriages.

My biggest question is about the kids. Is it worth staying together knowing feelings for my spouse will not change. I was loyal for 15 yrs in a nasty environment. Not making an excuse, just giving invite.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
I knew I was gonna get heat. I have cheated before for sex. Never for a possible forever love. Everyone in my family has had divorces but actually have had successful marriages.

My biggest question is about the kids. Is it worth staying together knowing feelings for my spouse will not change. I was loyal for 15 yrs in a nasty environment. Not making an excuse, just giving invite.
Short answer is no. Maybe the environment is nasty because your wife knows you cheat. How many times have you cheated before?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I’m sorry I’m not sure I understand the question. Should you give it a go with your dream girl? Like divorce your wife? No. You should divorce your wife because you are a cheat. You have cheated on her before this correct? You are a serial cheater. The worst kind of fraud.
Yeah, I got married at 22. Maybe I'm just broken.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
So you cheated on her twice when you were first together?
Not 1st. About 6 yrs in when things became toxic. My wife was my 1st girlfriend. 1st love. 1st physical relationship. 1st kiss. I'm otherwise a pretty decent man. Don't drink, curse, drugs, or hot on women. Everyone thinks I'm the greatest family man. I think when my wife met with her ex that is a professional baseball player whom she got pregnant with (abortion), it screwed me up. She says it wasn't like that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I can't get past a man who must be pushing 40 repeatedly referring to women as "girls".
Sorry. I am the least experienced 40 yr old with relationships. I just finally started getting comfortable even talking to women even for stupid things. Grew up with all boys.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
Not 1st. About 6 yrs in when things became toxic. My wife was my 1st girlfriend. 1st love. 1st physical relationship. 1st kiss. I'm otherwise a pretty decent man. Don't drink, curse, drugs, or hot on women. Everyone thinks I'm the greatest family man. I think when my wife met with her ex that is a professional baseball player whom she got pregnant with (abortion), it screwed me up. She says it wasn't like that.
Clearly you are not a great family man. You are a serial cheater. 6 years in and already banging other women. Did you wife know?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Clearly you are not a great family man. You are a serial cheater. 6 years in and already banging other women. Did you wife know?
She knows I have cheated. I suspected her at 1st before after meeting her professional baseball player boyfriend that she had an abortion with. It f'd me up.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,621 Posts
It sounds like your relationship with your wife is not good and that counseling isn't something that could change that.

Yes kids pick up on a negative relationship and it isn't a positive thing for them.

Why don't you divorce before you consider other relationships?

I divorced when my kids were in elementary and middle school. We successfully co parented and raised two wonderful, happy children.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 ·
It sounds like your relationship with your wife is not good and that counseling isn't something that could change that.

Yes kids pick up on a negative relationship and it isn't a positive thing for them.

Why don't you divorce before you consider other relationships?

I divorced when my kids were in elementary and middle school. We successfully co parented and raised two wonderful, happy children.
Thank you for the reply. I think I waited so long due to religious reasons, loyalty, and kids. Divorce really wouldn't be for the woman because kids are paramount to me. Thanks for your non judgemental reply.
 
1 - 20 of 57 Posts
Top