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Things have not been good between my H and I for sometime, yesterday we agreed to a separation. I asked several questions therapuetic separation, different bank accounts, do we see other people, do we completly ignore one another or talk once a week, he couldnt answer any of these questions. I got a sick feeling in my stomach and checked his phone compared to the online bill. There are A LOT of texts to the same girl on the bill, but all are deleted from the phone. He doesnt know I know this. I checked FB, email, history on the computer, etc. There arent even phone calls, only texts. Am I being paranoid because we are about to be separated, why would he delete texts from only one person if there is nothing to hide?
 

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People only hide things when there is something worth hiding.

You are separating though, right? If you have discussed separating and there is no chance for reconciliation, then you need to accept the fact that youare both going to be done with your relationship and both will go on to meet other people.

If the agreement is "no seeing people" while separated, then you have a right to be upset. If not, then you must accept it's over.



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thats just it, I dont know what the agreements are because he said he's to confused and upset to think about it. He doesnt know if he wants to reconcile, or divorce, he wants it to clear his head. If he would tell me he's going to see other people I would be crushed but I would know what I have to do and deal with. He did this before several years ago before we were married, before he told me he wanted to break up he initiated a relationship with another woman, calls, texts meeting up at places, but swears that wasnt cheating. To me that's cheating, sex or no sex, between that and the insecurity of separation I cant figure out if I'm being paranoid or refusing to acknowledge what my gut is telling me.
 

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thats just it, I dont know what the agreements are because he said he's to confused and upset to think about it. He doesnt know if he wants to reconcile, or divorce, he wants it to clear his head.
That usually translates to he wants freedom to pursue his affair unencumbered by you.

If he would tell me he's going to see other people I would be crushed but I would know what I have to do and deal with. He did this before several years ago before we were married, before he told me he wanted to break up he initiated a relationship with another woman, calls, texts meeting up at places, but swears that wasnt cheating. To me that's cheating, sex or no sex, between that and the insecurity of separation I cant figure out if I'm being paranoid or refusing to acknowledge what my gut is telling me.
Since he has a history of doing this, I would say he's up to his old tricks. You could investigate this other number. If the other woman is married, or in a relationship, expose it to her partner. I would also run the 180.

If he wants you out of his life, you need to show him what that means.

Good luck.
 

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Things have not been good between my H and I for sometime, yesterday we agreed to a separation. I asked several questions therapuetic separation, different bank accounts, do we see other people, do we completly ignore one another or talk once a week, he couldnt answer any of these questions. I got a sick feeling in my stomach and checked his phone compared to the online bill. There are A LOT of texts to the same girl on the bill, but all are deleted from the phone. He doesnt know I know this. I checked FB, email, history on the computer, etc. There arent even phone calls, only texts. Am I being paranoid because we are about to be separated, why would he delete texts from only one person if there is nothing to hide?
He's likely cheating and want's a separation so he can keep you as plan b and to assuage his own guilt about cheating while married.

In some states, if separated dating is not considered cheating.

Do not tell him of your find, gather evidence.

You can use this if you need to file for divorce. Even in a no fault state, cheating carries a lot of weight and gets the faithful spouse more than half of the assets.

That may be why he doesn't want you to know he is cheating, too.

Also, please contact a lawyer pronto. I am not sure this separation as arranged is in your best interest.
 

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I hope this is not a trial separation? The worst idea in a marriage, is the trial separation; it is simply a gateway to behaving as a single, whilst still married, and IMHO, a bad idea.

If you are truly separating and on the path to divorce, as it sounds you should be, then his texts are no longer your concern, other than for the above stated by Sara8, you can use this to your advantage in the divorce.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Yes it is a trial separation, I have tried to talk him into counseling, and he will not go. Any suggestions on how I can get real proof? He doesnt have an iphone so not sure how I could figure out what the texting is all about. Can you link cell phones so the texts would "forward to my phone" Even though I want to know I'm not wasting my time gas or energy running around Gods green earth to figure out what he's up to. In my heart if he's cheating the only contact I'll ever have with him again is through a lawyer, why the he$$ do I care so much, is it ego?
 

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Have you checked the call logs on the phone or phone bill to see if he's been calling her and when?

He's talking to her somehow. You should try a voice activated recorder in his car if you have access to it. Or you could hire a PI to do some checking.

I'd bet my left nut he is cheating. His behavior is typical for that. Contacting someone else entirely too much. Wants a "trial" seperation so he can "clear his head".

He's trying to keep you on the backburner for as long as possible while he figures out if it's going to work out with the other woman. He wants the option of coming back in case it doesn't (hence the trial seperation). He wants to pursue this affair at the next level now by not having you around. He will later claim that "we were seperated" and that he was just trying seeing someone else out.

If you truly seperated before he had interest in anyone else, that is one thing. Then, IMO, he and you would be free to date if someone came along. BUT, as he met this person before the seperation, this affair is now the cause of the seperation.

I would get proof of it via a PI or voice recorder. Once you have it and have confirmed for yourself he is cheating, slap his azz with divorce papers asap. No trial seperation. Just show him you're done. That is the only way to snap him out of this...if you even want that.

Don't be his backup plan. Either snap him out of it now, or leave him to her now. Don't torture yourself.
 

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He won't answer you because he knows you won't like the answers.

Yes he plans on seeing the OW in might already do doing that.

Yes he plans on seeing if it's going to work out with her then dump you

Yes he doesn't want you seeing someone else, because he doesn't want to share you, and you might find someone you like better than him..
 

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dunno .

but if you want to keep him, you better be having sex with him.

if you dont even have that he will be gone. The other woman will be his new supply, or a different woman. you will be out of sight, out of mind.
he may actually prefer having sex with you though. Put out, if you want to keep him.

From my experience, on the guy side. women are always better off putting out than having the guy go somewhere else for it.
If you dont want to keep him, well then dont worry about it.
 

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Don't apologize for asking questions. If you need to know you need to know, there is no shame in asking for information. Just understand that it's HOW the question is received and answered that is the information you are really getting, not the answer that is between the quotes. A person can usually find a way to reply that is framed as not a lie. This is different than telling the truth. But often people can't admit the truth to themselves or don't even see it because they have internally justified what they are doing to mask it from their consciences and to appease their internal morals. Just ask with balls and stay cool. What you do doesn't really depend on his answer, you will evaluate over time how he answered, and let it factor into the bigger picture, no knee-jerking involved.

Oh, and if you're married to someone and can protect yourself from std and pregnancy, have all the gratuitous sex you want! A guy who is pleasing more than one woman usually feels great about it, and he will work even harder to have that feeling of mastery. Why not ride that wave, especially if you'll part ways with him, no strings attached, within the marriage, no problemo.

And no, you are not crazy or paranoid, but someone like your H could make you that way. If you feel edgy, get armed, find a doctor and get yourself a sedative. It will help you make better decisions and to stay calm. Like an ace up your sleeve.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
No we don't have kids together, cheaters are messed up. What is the point of lying I don't get that back burner crap, but not wanting their W/H to b with someone else, that concept is selfish immature and lacks any morals or values. I'm having a difficult time gathering proof there are no calls on cell phone bill, just plenty of texts sometimes 30 or more a day and then a few days go by with nothing. OW is single I'm trying to figure out how to remote install a cell phone spy ware on his phone so I can read them sometimes he literally takes it in the shower, alert red flag! I just want hard core proof for divorce attorney. No emails, or Facebook.
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Separation means the WS can do whatever they want and not worry about their BS. Separation usually means they are involved with another party and wish to fulfill full mutual communication with them.

Once the WS separates, they will do whatever they want with whomever. BS always want to work together, WS always want to work "separately" or more like work on someone else.


If you want to make this a legal separation by all means do it and take care of it now so that he will see how serious you are about not tolerating any waywardness. Expose to this girl that she is married, call the #, send a text and say "hey its me text me on this phone", or "call me on this phone", let her know that your man is married to you. He may have lied to her. Expose to parents, his brothers/sisters.

Put as much pressure you can on this daring move and hurtful deception of communicating with another woman.
 

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Wow I appreciate ur posts but no way in he$$ am I going to have sex with my H if he is or is planning on getting it else where, I dont work that way. Call me old fashioned but I've got some morals and dignity.
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I would refuse the separation. No negotiation on that.

I would be putting a voice activated recorder in his car, velcro under the seat.

I would be saying, if he moves out, you file.

I would be learning everything about OW from her shoe size to the list of all her close friends and family.
 

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No we don't have kids together, cheaters are messed up.
With no kids in the picture, then just divorce. I'm not saying it's easy, but you don't have to worry about it affecting people completely dependent on the two of you.

OW is single I'm trying to figure out how to remote install a cell phone spy ware on his phone so I can read them sometimes he literally takes it in the shower, alert red flag! I just want hard core proof for divorce attorney. No emails, or Facebook.
If he's guarding his phone that closely, then your best best is probably waiting until he's asleep.

Good luck.
 
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