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Five years ago this summer I caught my husband having an affair with a co-worker. He denied it for awhile but when there was undeniable evidence he finally admitted it was true. It has been a very rocky five plus years. About a year ago he said he wanted to invite a lady (from his van pool) and her husband over for dinner. He thought we would really get along and they attend the same church that we do. At first it made me mad
(really I was worried as he had been talking alot about this person and how much we were alike) and I said no. After a few weeks (and him telling me I was jealous and insecure) I told him it would be better if we met with a group of friends out at a public place so if we didn't hit it off it would not be awkward. He agreed and we met and he was right...I did like her and her husband.
My husband has told me that on their one hour (each way) commute that she has confided in him negative things about her husband (who is now my husband's very best friend). I also know he has told her things about me. Her husband is at our house every weekend and she sometimes comes over. We have even gone on a vacation with them and are planning on another one soon. Here is my issue....he has suggessted that on the day we leave for the vacation that he will drive the 2 of them to work in his car, not the van pool and the 2 of them will meet us at our vacation destination since they would have to backtrack an hour to come home and then go right back the same direction to get to out destination. When I spoke to her on the phone she suggessted something similar about riding into work together but said we would meet somewhere off the highway close to their work and all go together....which i thought made sense. So I will ride with her husband and our kids as soon as we can get out of work and go. This is not the first time my radar has gone off, but every other time I have told myself that I am being silly. Am I overreacting?
 

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I think you have a right to feel the way you do, after all he did cheat on you and it takes a long time to gain back trust, your husband should understand this and be sensitive to your needs.

At the end of the day do you trust him now, trust is the foundation of a marriage and relationship, if its not there talk to him and work on it, in the meantime just tell him you are uncomfortable with such as the situation you mentioned above, but remember that there are probably going to be more times you will worry and feel insecure, so the main issue is trust really not this woman sharing a car with your husband....
 

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I want to trust him, but of course there is more to the story. There have been times before and after the affair that "things" have happened. Lipstick, makeup on his shirt on nights he went out with "the boys", deleted middle of the night texts to someone he said was in her 60's ( we are in our 40's)...not sure how the age made up for the time frame of the texts. Then found out that the 60 year old was really in her early 20's. So I guess the answer to your question is "not really".
 

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He is the one the cheated, he put himself in this situation. You have every right to NOT trust him. Trust is not something that is just bult right back up. He has to do things to earn that trust back, then when little things happen (ie text in the middle of the night, lipstick) that trust that was built up.....it is gone again.

I think you should just explain to him that you are not comfortable with his suggestion and that you would prefer that he come home after work and that you all leave together. He should understand that is a realistic request....plus I am sure that it will be a more pleasurable vacation if he was to come home and all of you leave together.
 

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oh lord, It sounds like you need to make a decision then to stay or leave, if you stay you will always have these doubts as to whether he will do it again and I suppose you will just have to accept them because you made the choice to stay...
 

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oh lord, It sounds like you need to make a decision then to stay or leave, if you stay you will always have these doubts as to whether he will do it again and I suppose you will just have to accept them because you made the choice to stay...
This is not true. Working through the pain of infidelity takes YEARS. And the WS has a duty to help the BS work through it. It's very possible to be happy and still have to weather setbacks here and there, IF the WS does what they need to do. No BS has to 'just accept' things.

Momof3, what has he done since he cheated to regain your trust?

Also, I highly highly recommend the book Not Just Friends for both of you to read. What he is doing isn't appropriate, and wouldn't be even if he hadn't cheated.
 

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This is not true. Working through the pain of infidelity takes YEARS. And the WS has a duty to help the BS work through it. It's very possible to be happy and still have to weather setbacks here and there, IF the WS does what they need to do. No BS has to 'just accept' things.

Momof3, what has he done since he cheated to regain your trust?

Also, I highly highly recommend the book Not Just Friends for both of you to read. What he is doing isn't appropriate, and wouldn't be even if he hadn't cheated.
Hi there, the reason I said this is because he does not seem to be changing, if he is still deceiving her as she said with texts and lipstick marks etc, I believe that if the decision is to stay you would just need to accept that...
 
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