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568 Posts
May I also receive some enlightment from the answers to your question???
Am I Overreacting?
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370 Posts
WAAAYYY late to the party - kinda wished I'd posted months ago (when I first read through your story), but I doubt it would have changed anything.
I'll preface what I'm going to say with this: you are/were more than justified in all of the actions that you took, and in no way am I judging or suggesting that you were "wrong". As in any experience, you had choices to make, and there were alternate paths.
That being said, and obviously I only have the information and experiences you have conveyed to us on here (which is only part of the story) - this could easily have been a case of a badly understood day turning into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The funeral and surrounding public occasions, while CERTAINLY not pleasant or acceptable from your perspective, from this vantage point meant nothing. You've evidenced significant jealousy (again, not a judgment, I'm a VERY jealous person) - and that could have been why you equated her actions those days to something entirely not there (rekindling things with EX). Then you basically stormed off after limited attempts at conveying your problem with the situation - all but forcing them back together. She was particularly vulnerable and needing support in that moment - again, not an excuse for how she treated you that day, but the follow on issues were you "reading" into the situation, not based on clearly communication (from either of you). Then you just disappeared.
From her perspective, she needed some support and to work through things where she wasn't giving you all of her attention, and you immediately bailed. Then when you ghosted her, the guy that was there got her attention and she decided to see if it could be rekindled - again, maybe I've got timelines mixed up but that's one potential interpretation. That you use this experience, and your first wife, to paint all potential future relationships in the same light also makes me question if the perception you have is colored by reality or by biases in your perspective.
Consider, like many of these "dates/ONS" situations, what you "lost" by having that relationship with her? What was the negative? A few fights here and there, one REALLY uncomfortable day, and in the end feeling rejected (which you kind of forced upon yourself)? Obviously those things suck in the micro view, but there was lots of positives, too. It sounds like you spent a significant amount of time stewing about what could have been and what happened - and so has she. Maybe if that energy got spent on communicating before, and being open and up front about what the issues were and what those issues looked like or meant to each person, relying on what those people say and do instead of trying to "interpret" what they mean, it could have had a different outcome.
Maybe you just like avoiding drama and that's all you see coming out of it, but what, really, does it hurt to hear someone out? So what if she tries to be manipulative? Then she's just exactly where you think she is? Maybe she says or does something that suggests your interpretations were wrong? Maybe she just apologizes. Or, obviously, maybe it's just the ****show you think it was going to be... but so? In the end, you cared, and your biggest pain seems to come from believing she didn't. I think thus far it's clear she did, at least to some degree.
I like that you recognize you don't need a relationship to be happy and healthy. You don't also need to be single and free to be happy and healthy. Everyone has their baggage (including you), so being around others comes with an expectation that at some point, you'll be exposed to that baggage. Don't pre-emptively judge everyone else's.
Again, I hope you don't find this to be insulting or demeaning. Just food for thought. There were 2 people in this relationship, both fully human and with faults. You handled it fine, but I'm questioning if you got the outcome you truly wanted, and if handling it a different way may have gotten you to a different outcome.
I wish health and happiness on you!
I'll preface what I'm going to say with this: you are/were more than justified in all of the actions that you took, and in no way am I judging or suggesting that you were "wrong". As in any experience, you had choices to make, and there were alternate paths.
That being said, and obviously I only have the information and experiences you have conveyed to us on here (which is only part of the story) - this could easily have been a case of a badly understood day turning into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The funeral and surrounding public occasions, while CERTAINLY not pleasant or acceptable from your perspective, from this vantage point meant nothing. You've evidenced significant jealousy (again, not a judgment, I'm a VERY jealous person) - and that could have been why you equated her actions those days to something entirely not there (rekindling things with EX). Then you basically stormed off after limited attempts at conveying your problem with the situation - all but forcing them back together. She was particularly vulnerable and needing support in that moment - again, not an excuse for how she treated you that day, but the follow on issues were you "reading" into the situation, not based on clearly communication (from either of you). Then you just disappeared.
From her perspective, she needed some support and to work through things where she wasn't giving you all of her attention, and you immediately bailed. Then when you ghosted her, the guy that was there got her attention and she decided to see if it could be rekindled - again, maybe I've got timelines mixed up but that's one potential interpretation. That you use this experience, and your first wife, to paint all potential future relationships in the same light also makes me question if the perception you have is colored by reality or by biases in your perspective.
Consider, like many of these "dates/ONS" situations, what you "lost" by having that relationship with her? What was the negative? A few fights here and there, one REALLY uncomfortable day, and in the end feeling rejected (which you kind of forced upon yourself)? Obviously those things suck in the micro view, but there was lots of positives, too. It sounds like you spent a significant amount of time stewing about what could have been and what happened - and so has she. Maybe if that energy got spent on communicating before, and being open and up front about what the issues were and what those issues looked like or meant to each person, relying on what those people say and do instead of trying to "interpret" what they mean, it could have had a different outcome.
Maybe you just like avoiding drama and that's all you see coming out of it, but what, really, does it hurt to hear someone out? So what if she tries to be manipulative? Then she's just exactly where you think she is? Maybe she says or does something that suggests your interpretations were wrong? Maybe she just apologizes. Or, obviously, maybe it's just the ****show you think it was going to be... but so? In the end, you cared, and your biggest pain seems to come from believing she didn't. I think thus far it's clear she did, at least to some degree.
I like that you recognize you don't need a relationship to be happy and healthy. You don't also need to be single and free to be happy and healthy. Everyone has their baggage (including you), so being around others comes with an expectation that at some point, you'll be exposed to that baggage. Don't pre-emptively judge everyone else's.
Again, I hope you don't find this to be insulting or demeaning. Just food for thought. There were 2 people in this relationship, both fully human and with faults. You handled it fine, but I'm questioning if you got the outcome you truly wanted, and if handling it a different way may have gotten you to a different outcome.
I wish health and happiness on you!
She wants you to keep the door slightly cracked.
Which we know that you won't do.
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3,391 Posts
BS. The only other outcome would have been for her to try on ex hubby again and see if the fit was different than before while @ArthurPGym hung out as cuckold waiting to see if ole girl wanted to make it a go with ex or if it did not work and she resorted to plan B.
Her actions were clear when snuggled up to ex when his mom passed. She probably convinced herself it was best for her son. Arthur was correct to bail on the ride when her intentions were clear. Even her son knew what the deal was and was pissed at mom. Some women just can't let go of certain men in their lives. Many are F'ed up in the head that way. Like those women who keep going back to men who beat them....
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8,869 Posts
All I know is, rock/metal guitar player = instant badass and also bad boy confirmed.
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465 Posts
Hey Jonata. Welcome to the party. Beer is in the cooler on the patio so help yourself.
Believe me when I say that I anguished over these same possibilities before I made the decision to cut ties with her. Believe me, I was not imagining things nor did I psyche myself out. Her change towards me was a literal 180. I know well when a woman is friend-zoning me and I got marginalized by her overnight. I was getting calls from lots of people immediately after the funeral asking me what was up. This breakup did not occur behind closed doors. It was very public unfortunately and even her close friends were disgusted by how she treated me. So yes, in a parallel universe the possibilities you brought up could theoretically happen, but I can assure you this was not the case in my situation. In fact, I would say that I reacted in a very level headed manner. I did not storm out of the reception. I said good night to everyone and I simply got tired of waiting for her to finish up with her lingering guests so I quietly slipped out. Not once during this whole fiasco did I talk bad about her to friends nor did I ever raise my voice to her. I never got mean until that last phone call to her a few months afterwards. In fact, I gave her the easiest and least drama-filled breakup a woman could get when she snubs a man. I simply walked off the stage without bumping into the scenery. She treated me appallingly, but I walked away with my head high. I don't regret how I broke up with her. I regret how I did not see the signs and not see her for what she truly was: a con artist.
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8,760 Posts
I’m definitely jealous of Arthur’s guitar skills.
Im thinking my mediocre boy status is going to need some work. On a positive note, my ex says I’m as bad boy. Well, she says I’m an a-hole. Same thing, right? 🤞
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4,842 Posts
What an entitled, self-absorbed brat. You should have said, "Then leave me alone."
Or you could have said, "So does my new girlfriend"....Lol!!!
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10,705 Posts
Yeah, this is a low class woman.
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4,842 Posts
"Mediocre boy"....Lolol!!!!!!!
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465 Posts
And I still use AquaNet in my hair. Grey as it is.
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2,180 Posts
LOL!! I haven't heard that brand name in decades, but I remember it as being very popular with women to hold their hairdo in place.
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10,705 Posts
Aquanet was great to use with a lighter to go after the black widow spiders in AZ when I was growing up there.
in general i like spiders because they're cool and eat bugs, but those black widow *****es are mean and have to go 😀
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465 Posts
In 1988 my mane was glorious.... spectacular.
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8,760 Posts
Yeah I was wondering how you could flop that hair all over the place while rocking out, with all that aqua net in place.
We have something in common: I had hair in ‘88 also! 😋
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8,869 Posts
I tried doing 1988 Maiden England Adrian Smith hair, it didn’t work out for me.
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3,391 Posts
Wasp nest also
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3,391 Posts
Just leave the one floppy curl in front like Elvis.
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8,087 Posts
I wish my hair was as amazing as my husband's. He gave it to two of our children. The other one got my hair; she's beautiful, but would have been happier with dh's hair. I asked dh to grow his out. Even now, in our elder years, I love his hair. I braid it for him. My eldest daughter gives him fancy Viking braids for special occasions.
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Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk
Having followed your thread from the beginning I was curious as to what she wrote in that letter she sent after everything went down. Would have liked to see how she explained her behavior towards you.
Since her ex took off to AZ have you spoken with her son?
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