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Am I overreacting

172K views 462 replies 69 participants last post by  Unknown2u 
#1 ·
I have a weird feeling something isn't right, but maybe it is nothing.
Wife and I have been married close to 20 years. We have 3 kids and we both have successful careers. Our marriage is good, no real problems other than the regular issues in life we all face. Sometimes I do forget to take out the trash. Sex life has zero issues and very regular. I would say we have it pretty good.

However over the past couple months something has been bugging me. The owner of the business she works at, she talks about him a lot. She will come home and say, he said this or did that. She talks him up all the time. Recently she got a raise out of nowhere, turns out it she was the only one.

I have looked at her phone, they do text but it is only work related stuff. All harmless. They are not friends on Facebook. There is nothing out of the ordinary in her activities.

Last night, she brought him up again. And I made a snarky reply like oh your boy friend did that. She laughed.

Later that night, I am in the yard doing some work. I must have struck a nerve, because she brought up what I said. I let her know that her talking about him all the time is bugging me. Then she said oh don't worry he is married with kids. That wasn't really what I was wanting to hear. Then she said she will stop talking about him if its bugging me.

Then later we sat in bed for a while and chatted about stuff. We did have sex, which I did find interesting. Because normally she has an issue if we do it on consecutive days. We had done it the night before.

So I don't know. Maybe it is nothing, maybe she likes the guy or something. At this point I know there is nothing physical.

What are your thoughts.
 
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#2 ·
Divorce! (channelling my inner GusPolinski)

Seriously though.

Probably nothing, or it could be something (less than 1% chance, IMO)

As practical advice, I'd say, let it be, but keep a tab on comms between them.

It seems she has taken seriously your concerns. But the phrase ''but he's married with kids'' COULD be problematic. Some waywards (not accusing your wife of being one) say this to distract the husband, and some say it out of naïveté.

Seeing as this came out of left field for you, I'd also suggest that you read in this Coping With Infidelity forum. Read as many origin stories as possible. It'll give you a feel of what men/women are capable of when entering affairs. It's actually pretty gross and depressing, but knowledge is power.
 
#3 ·
Always trust your gut.

If your gut is telling you something is wrong, then something is wrong.

You need to start investigating.

Can you get access to her phone and email? That is imperative. Check out all threads and conversations, do not pass one by just because it says it belongs to another woman.

Also, keep your eyes open and your mouth shut

Good luck
Stay strong
 
#4 ·
It’s hard to tell from the info you gave us, but I have been in your wife’s position, I used to talk to my hubby about coworkers. He gave me an attitude and would make me feel bad, would say things like, “ Why you talk to him, he is probably hitting on you, and blahblah.” It didn’t matter even if the coworker was 80 years old or older. So I stopped telling him anything. My hubby is not an understanding person. He doesn’t believe that there can be just friendship between a woman and a man. He doesn’t want me to have any social interactions or even work related conversations with male coworker. He is very narrow minded, mostly because of the jobs he has had- he had to work mostly by himself, or deal only with male. I just gave up sharing with him and it is sad because I really feel like sharing, but no thank you. I don’t like unnecessary drama. But if you have read my posts, my marriage is far from a healthy one .
 
#5 ·
I have always been burned when I didn't follow my intuition.
From what you said, at this point a "Trust but Verify" stance would be your best path.
Monitor conversations, how she uses her phone, strange behavior, "Overtime", etc.
I agree with checking out her phone, texting, e mails, etc.If you normally have access to it, it should be easy.
You may want to have a laptop near by with a recovery program (Such as Dr. Fone.) She may have cleared her phone after you shared your concern previously. I would do so AQAP, before the info is wiped.
Accidentally grab it, ask to make a call because yours is dead, etc. Whatever works without the least amount of suspicion.
Don't struggle with "Her privacy." If you are married, the only privacy you should have is the toilet.
Act normal. Gather information. Do not let her know what you suspect.
If you find a series of actions that look bad, confront decisively. Do not disclose your source.
Hopefully all is well. Best of luck
 
#6 ·
Talking about co workers is fine. We both do it, and for years. But this one struck me as strange. She complains about stuff here and there and so do I. But she has been just talking him up and how all the great things he does. I get it, when my boss something great too I will bring it up. But gosh it just seems just a little bit much.
 
#7 ·
Hacker,

Drop the discussion for now and go into detective mode as if you forgot about it.

If something is happening then your W will go further underground and you will lose valuable information.

What do you know about the potential OM?

Was he divorced multiple times?

Were there rumors about him?

Did women in the past quit suddenly without explanation?

I can tell you that some OM use a very gradual approach when seeking to start an affair.

Is he older or younger than your W?

With my W OM1 and OM3 were spoken of quite a lot by her as it was part of the process of her overcoming her initial guilt.

Then the talk ended when it got more serious.
 
#9 · (Edited)
Your gut is always right. If your W is talking up a coworker then there is an interest. The "oh he is married" comment amounts to nothing. You can always ask..."If he was not married then what?" Some WW also say, "oh he is gay". Don't mean crap either. What the OM looks like and makes does not mean much. Keep vigilant.

For now, stop what you are doing and start dating your W. She should be talking you up.
 
#12 ·
Does he work directly for him?
How long has she worked for him?

Why did she get a raise (because she's better than anyone else or because of her increased experience level)?

Why exactly does she admire him (does she admire what he actually did (impersonal) - or his personality (personal))?

Do they spend time alone or travel together (lunches, conferences, sales calls)?

You know your wife better than us. So if after all these years you notice that she has an unusual level of interest in or admiration for her boss, then you should be alert.
 
#13 ·
I have a weird feeling something isn't right, but maybe it is nothing.
Wife and I have been married close to 20 years. We have 3 kids and we both have successful careers. Our marriage is good, no real problems other than the regular issues in life we all face. Sometimes I do forget to take out the trash. Sex life has zero issues and very regular. I would say we have it pretty good.

However over the past couple months something has been bugging me. The owner of the business she works at, she talks about him a lot. She will come home and say, he said this or did that. She talks him up all the time. Recently she got a raise out of nowhere, turns out it she was the only one.

I have looked at her phone, they do text but it is only work related stuff. All harmless. They are not friends on Facebook. There is nothing out of the ordinary in her activities.

Last night, she brought him up again. And I made a snarky reply like oh your boy friend did that. She laughed.

Later that night, I am in the yard doing some work. I must have struck a nerve, because she brought up what I said. I let her know that her talking about him all the time is bugging me. Then she said oh don't worry he is married with kids. That wasn't really what I was wanting to hear. Then she said she will stop talking about him if its bugging me.

Then later we sat in bed for a while and chatted about stuff. We did have sex, which I did find interesting. Because normally she has an issue if we do it on consecutive days. We had done it the night before.

So I don't know. Maybe it is nothing, maybe she likes the guy or something. At this point I know there is nothing physical.

What are your thoughts.
I see a couple of flags there, not sure how red they are. I think it's worth investigating. You need to be in eyes/ears open mouth shut mode now, don't bring up anything more about this while you're investigating. Act as normal as possible.

Office affairs can be hard to catch if it's all happening in the office. Do you have access to her work email or messaging? If either of them are experienced cheaters they'll keep it off their personal phones. A var in her car might catch her in a phone call to or about him, people tend to feel safe from being over heard in their car so they talk freely. Note that anything you get this way is top secret, you never admit to this to her. It's also common for a cheater to have a toxic friend or family member they're confiding in, so you need to be checking her messages to them also.

I hope you're barking up the wrong tree. Keep us posted on what you find, lots of experience at catching cheaters here.

Remember, eyes open, mouth shut.
 
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#14 ·
Yes, the reply to your concern being "he's married and has kids" does nothing to dispell your concern. It kind of answers only why nothing is currently going on between them (basically she was saying HE can't). Notice she didn't answer, I'm a married woman and would never do something to betray our marriage, or better, you have nothing to worry about, I don't find him attractive.

Sometimes the answer isn't in the answer given, but in what WASN'T said.

i think she at least has a crush on him. Given the unexpected raise, I wonder if it goes both ways.

How you want to handle the probable situation of her having a crush on him and working with him every day is up to you.

I worked with a pair in an office who were both married, kids, etc. who were into each other big time and it was truly gross and disgusting to see, because they were both married. If either of their spouses had seen how gooey they were with each other in person I have no doubt at least one of the marriages would have ended.
 
#16 ·
Hey Everyone, thanks for the advice.

I am trying to get my head around this. I think most likely it is nothing, worse case at the moment she may like the guy.

He has been the boss a couple months now, she did ask for a raise because it has been 2 years since she got one.

What I do know is that he is only in the office a couple times a week for maybe 2 hours or so.

A possible new red flag, she has been telling me she hates working. We did the math and if I could earn about 20 percent more. My income would be enough alone so she could stop working. I brought up I have an interview next week that would hit that mark if I got it. Suddenly she isn't so interested in quitting. She gave some good reasons, about saving more cash, things like that. I found it a little odd. Maybe because the times we are in. Not sure.

One other thing. Something weird happened about 5 years ago. There was a stretch of about 3 months or so. Where she was just incredibly horny. Like something I have not seen since we first started dating. I did think something was up, but could not find a thing. I thought hmmmm maybe some kind of affair. She isn't doing that now, everything seems normal.
 
#18 ·
A possible new red flag, she has been telling me she hates working We did the math and if I could earn about 20 percent more. My income would be enough alone so she could stop working. I brought up I have an interview next week that would hit that mark if I got it.Suddenly she isn't so interested in quitting. She gave some good reasons, about saving more cash, things like that. I found it a little odd. Maybe because the times we are in. Not sure.
That's odd, I agree. Did you ask why she hated working, then the reversal?
If he was there all the time, maybe there was some interaction between them and something happened like she flirted and was rejected by him...so she was embarrassed.
Like you say it could be the times as things are pretty wacky.
As my 5th grade social studies teacher used to say "Keep your eyes and ears open and your mouth closed" if you smell smoke it could be a fire in your house, or the neighbors fired up the BBQ.
 
#20 ·
OP I have to make a caveat first: I have never been cheated on in a marriage because I am single. Though I think a girlfriend from my past cheated on me, but it never compares to a marriage.
Anyways, having said that, even though I am not a BH, I can guarantee you I have learned a lot while lurking in here. I am not a guru or an expert but my recommendation is that you put your poker face on yourself and, as I said before, go on a full stealth mode, follow your guts and never rugsweep that feeling.
I read a lot in here that cheaters like to talk. Of course if they got a hint that the BS suspects something, they will go underground. But if they feel safe they will talk a lot because they to keep the adrenaline rush on.
So, if you can buy a Voice Activate Recorder and put in to your wife's car and there's something going on, the probability you catch her is very high.
There could be nothing, but a least confirming that there is nothing going on, that will put you at ease.
Here also recommend never reveal your sources; and always clean your browser history. Because if a wayward finds out the BS is surfing the web and looking for infidelity sites that would alert the wayward.

Sorry for my syntax but English is my second language.
 
#21 ·
Look on her phone for a messaging APP that automatically deletes texts.

Observe your phone bill to see if they talk or text outside of business hours.

Turn on her cell phone GPS. So you can verify she's where she said she was.

Consider syncing her cell phone to her/your laptop.

One way to get her phone is to buy her a new one. Take the old phone and run recover software on it.
Set up the new phone yourself, sync to your laptop.
 
#26 ·
Hacker1234:

You don't know how many times we have heard the "Don't worry, he's married with kids", and then find out the Original Poster (OP) SHOULD have been worried because they were banging like rabbits. Investigate, investigate, investigate. If you can afford a Private Investigator, they cost, but not as much as a divorce. Better get on it, but stay in the back ground. If there is something going on, you will drive it underground and make it that much harder to catch.
There are about as many red flags here as a Chinese May Day Parade.
69609
 
#28 ·
I was just overreacting. Phone records line up perfectly, google maps timeline look good. Having sex on consecutive days was strange but not terribly uncommon, our sex life is actually pretty good. I think it was just me weirding out because her boss is a guy, thinking back she used to talk about her old boss all the time and it didn't bug me because she was a women.

I read all the oldshirt topics. I don't appear to be in any real trouble.

I did learn a lot of stuff though. So I have reengaged in all those areas that could cause issues.
 
#30 ·
I have an interesting update.

I looked at the google history, didn't even know that existed, very interesting.

I did find 2 things.

I noticed she had googled a random number that called my cell.

2nd item was that she did a google search for the OM twice. Also while she isn't facebook friends with the OM, I noticed she did look at his Facebook profile 3 different times last month. And other 4 times in the months before.
 
#33 ·
I don't know. My husband and I talk about other people in relation to work etc, but no one in particular. A while back he would talk about his former neighbor that he grew up with...after the third time, I told him I don't really care and don't want to hear about her anymore...and that was that. But I might keep tabs on her just to make sure.
 
#36 · (Edited)
OP, I am not saying that your wife is a cheater, but a lot of cheaters try to find spouses' flaws related to cheating in order to justify their actions. My recommendation is put a keylogger in your computer and a VAR for two weeks, just to weeks because you don't want to be a warden all your life. If you don't get anything then is very probable is nothing. Also, I don't know if you did already but here people recommend to read the newbie thread.
Oldshirt's thread is useful when you already found an infidelity from a wife you never thought she would be capable of, but the newbie thread give you techniques and insights when you have an infidelity hunch.
 
#38 ·
Something important OP. When did she search for her boss on Google? You said he has been her boss for two months, right? Was the search at the beginning of him working there as her boss? If it was, that is pretty common to look for information about the new boss. Now if the search was recently or at the time she got a raise, or if she was talking a lot about him then suddenly stopped, you better be on alert and stealth mode. Especially when your guts are telling you something. That is was we call the six sense.
 
#40 ·
@Hacker1234

This is almost exactly the way things started with my W. Talking about the OM, mentioning funny things he did or said, etc. That she searched for him and viewed his Facebook profile multiple times is a bit of a red flag.

Here's my advice: Don't convince yourself she's having an affair based on the little evidence you have, but also DON'T convince yourself that she's not or that she's not capable.

Sow into your marriage. Ask her to read Not Just Friends- in fact, read it together and discuss each chapter when finished.

Whatever you do, don't dismiss the red flags and don't maintain the status quo in your marriage.

Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk
 
#41 ·
@Hacker1234

This is almost exactly the way things started with my W. Talking about the OM, mentioning funny things he did or said, etc. That she searched for him and viewed his Facebook profile multiple times is a bit of a red flag.

Here's my advice: Don't convince yourself she's having an affair based on the little evidence you have, but also DON'T convince yourself that she's not or that she's not capable.

Sow into your marriage. Ask her to read Not Just Friends- in fact, read it together and discuss each chapter when finished.

Whatever you do, don't dismiss the red flags and don't maintain the status quo in your marriage.

Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk
Talk boundaries. Sowing into your marriage is the bigger thing. Your W should be talking you up. Always date your W.
 
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#42 ·
I think you are doing the right thing by at least having your antennae up. Breaking this down a bit

1) This boss is new, like 2 months, and she talks him up a lot. So she is happy about this new boss.
2) She is curious about him. Already knows he is married with three kids. Googled him, looked at his Facebook several times.
3) She has talked about other bosses before.
4) Your gut has brought you to an infidelity marriage forum

My take, is that she is impressed by this guy and he has peaked her interest. But she hasn't pursued him or done anything wrong. Yet. I think you should put her on notice now, before her curiosity and high impression blooms into something more. Piss on your tree a little bit, but don't go overboard.

And watch her behavior, as follows:

1) If she is on her phone a lot more than before, and sometimes puts her phone down when you walk in the room
2) If she is suddenly very attached to her phone like her life depends on it
3) If she starts putting a password on it (if not already) or changes it (if one already exists)
4) If she suddenly doesn't care as much about what you are talking about (distracted)
5) If she frustrates more easily
6) If sex is noticeably more passionate or less passionate

You should be okay but keep listening to your gut and do the above.
 
#44 ·
I think you are doing the right thing by at least having your antennae up. Breaking this down a bit

1) This boss is new, like 2 months, and she talks him up a lot. So she is happy about this new boss.
2) She is curious about him. Already knows he is married with three kids. Googled him, looked at his Facebook several times.
3) She has talked about other bosses before.
4) Your gut has brought you to an infidelity marriage forum

My take, is that she is impressed by this guy and he has peaked her interest. But she hasn't pursued him or done anything wrong. Yet. I think you should put her on notice now, before her curiosity and high impression blooms into something more. Piss on your tree a little bit, but don't go overboard.

And watch her behavior, as follows:

1) If she is on her phone a lot more than before, and sometimes puts her phone down when you walk in the room
2) If she is suddenly very attached to her phone like her life depends on it
3) If she starts putting a password on it (if not already) or changes it (if one already exists)
4) If she suddenly doesn't care as much about what you are talking about (distracted)
5) If she frustrates more easily
6) If sex is noticeably more passionate or less passionate

You should be okay but keep listening to your gut and do the above.
Thanks for the advice.

At the moment 1 thru 5 are not happening at all. Number 6 I noticed a slight uptick last week, but nothing really uncommon for us. We are now back to our normal schedule, like every other day or skip 2 days.

So what do I do now? I went silent on it. But last week I told her I didn't want to hear about him anymore. Just watch? If she gets weird take a stand?

Thanks
 
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