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Gee I know I am stupid sometimes... But if she DID NOTHING, then how could she help you believe that she still loved you????

I mean, she is a great wife, sure you guys did not have sex that often as I remember, but she was a great wife.

So while she DID NOTHING WRONG she is still asking what she can do to help you feel loved.
Honestly, if my spouse had asked me if I loved him I'd be feeling like I must have done something to make him doubt that...and I'd want to get to the bottom of it so I could correct my behavior. And my behavior would NOT have been cheating. I've never cheated on anyone. I'd be worried that I'd been unintentionally giving him less attention or something like that.

I think this yo yo stuff is going to put the poor OP in therapy!!! Some of this evidence against this woman is just crap. She knows something personal about him = inappropriate boundaries!!! I know all kinds of personal things about my coworkers and I've never had an affair with any of them. Most people have personal conversations at work...we spend all day together. How boring would the day be if all you ever discussed was work stuff? If my boyfriend told me I wasn't allowed to have personal conversations with male coworkers because it violated boundaries I'd be done with him.

And she has a Victoria's Secret card out in the open for him to see. Not a red flag at all in my opinion. Honestly, if she wanted to buy sexy stuff for an affair that card would be empty, not sitting around unused. She could buy the stuff with no trace back to the regular bank or credit cards.

I think bringing up swinging is a red flag but not proof. But it could just be a red flag that she's feeling the marriage and/or their sex life is in a rut. I know a guy whose wife asked about having a threesome to spice things up. He said no, but they came up with some other ways to spice things up together. She was just bored. They fixed it together. I think swinging is so out there for some people that when they hear about it they talk about it...like a bad car accident type of thing.

My guess is that she has or at least had a crush on the guy. It happens, even when you're married. But with some increased attention from OP she's over it. I hope and pray I'm right. But I still don't think it's okay to condemn a person on such little evidence. If I were married and my husband produced divorce papers on such flimsy evidence I'd sign them and tell him to go **** himself. Then I'd take a poly and show him the results...that he threw away his life for nothing because a bunch of guys on a forum told him to just divorce even though he had no real proof.
 

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Honestly, if my spouse had asked me if I loved him I'd be feeling like I must have done something to make him doubt that...and I'd want to get to the bottom of it so I could correct my behavior. And my behavior would NOT have been cheating. I've never cheated on anyone. I'd be worried that I'd been unintentionally giving him less attention or something like that.

I think this yo yo stuff is going to put the poor OP in therapy!!! Some of this evidence against this woman is just crap. She knows something personal about him = inappropriate boundaries!!! I know all kinds of personal things about my coworkers and I've never had an affair with any of them. Most people have personal conversations at work...we spend all day together. How boring would the day be if all you ever discussed was work stuff? If my boyfriend told him I wasn't allowed to have personal conversations with male coworkers because it violated boundaries I'd be done with him.

And she has a Victoria's Secret card out in the open for him to see. Not a red flag at all in my opinion. Honestly, if she wanted to buy sexy stuff for an affair that card would be empty, not sitting around unused. She could buy the stuff with no trace back to the regular bank or credit cards.

I think bringing up swinging is a red flag but not proof. But it could just be a red flag that she's feeling the marriage and/or their sex life is in a rut. I know a guy whose wife asked about having a threesome to spice things up. He said no, but they came up with some other ways to spice things up together. She was just bored. They fixed it together. I think swinging is so out there for some people that when they hear about it they talk about it...like a bad car accident type of thing.

My guess is that she has or at least had a crush on the guy. It happens, even when you're married. But with some increased attention from OP she's over it. I hope and pray I'm right. But I still don't think it's okay to condemn a person on such little evidence. If I were married and my husband produced divorce papers on such flimsy evidence I'd sign them and tell him to go **** himself. Then I'd take a poly and show him the results...that he threw away his life for nothing because a bunch of guys on a forum told him to just divorce even though he had no real proof.
Yep, I tend to agree. I think she's Cheating-curious though.
 

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Honestly, if my spouse had asked me if I loved him I'd be feeling like I must have done something to make him doubt that...and I'd want to get to the bottom of it so I could correct my behavior. And my behavior would NOT have been cheating. I've never cheated on anyone. I'd be worried that I'd been unintentionally giving him less attention or something like that.
She asked him, after he caught her "cheating" but no smoking gun... she asked "what she could DO to make him feel loved.

TOTALLY different question, and further, after what had transpired I think it was a totally "Telling" question.

SHE KNEW she had don't things, the "Affair" or in appropriate texting or whatever, but she KNEW she had done things to make him NOT FEEL LOVED...

So yeah, that simple little question is both telling and a read flag, not that he needs anymore red flags. I myself would have already filed.

If I don't feel loved for a very long period of time, you are gone in my world. With all these red flags, you are gone even sooner.
 

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She asked him, after he caught her "cheating" but no smoking gun... she asked "what she could DO to make him feel loved.

TOTALLY different question, and further, after what had transpired I think it was a totally "Telling" question.

SHE KNEW she had don't things, the "Affair" or in appropriate texting or whatever, but she KNEW she had done things to make him NOT FEEL LOVED...

So yeah, that simple little question is both telling and a read flag, not that he needs anymore red flags. I myself would have already filed.

If I don't feel loved for a very long period of time, you are gone in my world. With all these red flags, you are gone even sooner.
If you would divorce your wife over such flimsy evidence more power to you, that's entirely your right. I'm glad I'm not married to you but then I'd guess you're glad you're not married to me so it's all good!! :)
 

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I am just scared of the reality of everything
Stop being scared. Fear is what keeps you in bondage. Fear is what causes you to make bad decisions and bury your head in the sand. Your gut was yelling at you when you started this thread, and your gut is SCREAMING at you now. When are you going to listen to it?

What do you really have to fear? That this could end in divorce? What would be scarier: allowing her to string you along until she makes the jump and starts banging her boss and humiliates you? Or is it scarier to take the reins of your life and steer the end of the marriage so you will be the one in control of how it ends? Because here is the deal: everything she is doing, all of her weird behaviors and sly comments point to one thing, and that is she has fallen out of love with you. All she is doing right now is playing house and keeping you satiated. Those little comments she makes out of the blue and all of the obsessing she is doing over her boss are sure signs she is prepping herself to step outside the marriage. She is holding on to you until she feels ready to make the jump. She is a tree monkey if there ever was one.
 

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If you would divorce your wife over such flimsy evidence more power to you, that's entirely your right. I'm glad I'm not married to you but then I'd guess you're glad you're not married to me so it's all good!! :)
Question to ask here.

Is it the divorce over "flimsy evidence" that you have an issue with or the fact that they simply will not tolerate poor behavior and removes that person from their life when their boundaries for what they will allow/tolerate have been breached one time too many?

I wouldn't put up with my SO antics if she acted the way OP's wife has been.
Flip side of the coin, my SO wouldn't put up with my antics either if I acted like OP's wife.
We both have hard lines in the concrete (not sand as you can make new lines in sand). If the lines are crossed, even by sliding your toe over the line, that's it. Now there are real world consequences that are going to be handed out. For some of those lines, filing immediately is a real world consequence.
 

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Another weird thing I just remembered. A couple weeks before all of this. My wife did ask me a strange question after she found out someone she knows is a swinger. And was wondering what my thoughts were on an open marriage. I gave a huge list why I don't like it and she agreed with me. Also a couple days ago, she asked me. How do you think the covid thing has impacted our relationship. Then she quickly corrected herself and said oh nevermind, nothing has changed and she changed the subject.
That is something to read. Your W is actively thinking about an open marriage IMO. I know of no one in my 55 years, especially from my W, bring up open marriage out of the blue.

Your W needs to come clean with her thoughts on this marriage.
 

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I needed a week to gather my thoughts. After my exchange with ABHale. We had another confrontation. I laid it all out. It was pretty bad, but at the same time pretty calm. There was no gaslighting, projecting or anything. I did somewhat get a confession. The convo did seem genuine.

Looks like notmyjamie was right on. And Gabriel too mostly. However his opinion is a bit frightening.

In a nutshell, after my little dday. She felt guilty because they were talking too much. And she shut it all down. In person and the texts. This is clearly visible on the text logs, nothing for 3 weeks. There are texts now here and there, but at a much lower level. All check out too.

Pretty much since the little dday, everything has been normal. I am seeing nothing to make me think something is going on. It has been 2 months now pretty much.
 

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I thi
I needed a week to gather my thoughts. After my exchange with ABHale. We had another confrontation. I laid it all out. It was pretty bad, but at the same time pretty calm. There was no gaslighting, projecting or anything. I did somewhat get a confession. The convo did seem genuine.

Looks like notmyjamie was right on. And Gabriel too mostly. However his opinion is a bit frightening.

In a nutshell, after my little dday. She felt guilty because they were talking too much. And she shut it all down. In person and the texts. This is clearly visible on the text logs, nothing for 3 weeks. There are texts now here and there, but at a much lower level. All check out too.

Pretty much since the little dday, everything has been normal. I am seeing nothing to make me think something is going on. It has been 2 months now pretty much.
I think you caught her right before she did something stupid. You dodged a bullet, but you are still in the line of fire, because your wife's boundaries are non-existent. If I were you I would get the two of you in some kind of marriage counseling pronto.
 

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Question to ask here.

Is it the divorce over "flimsy evidence" that you have an issue with or the fact that they simply will not tolerate poor behavior and removes that person from their life when their boundaries for what they will allow/tolerate have been breached one time too many?

I wouldn't put up with my SO antics if she acted the way OP's wife has been.
Flip side of the coin, my SO wouldn't put up with my antics either if I acted like OP's wife.
We both have hard lines in the concrete (not sand as you can make new lines in sand). If the lines are crossed, even by sliding your toe over the line, that's it. Now there are real world consequences that are going to be handed out. For some of those lines, filing immediately is a real world consequence.
In my opinion, the "evidence" against her showed she was infatuated with the guy, not that she was having a full on affair. Infatuations happen even when we are married. How we respond is what is important. So far I had seen no real evidence that she had gone over the line into an affair so I felt that showing up with divorce papers was a bit much. I have nothing against divorcing a cheating spouse, but to me, the "evidence" in this case was weak. One text is missing and there are some other double texts that the phone company admitted is an issue with their system. The same thing was happening on OP's phone. She threw away a pair of underwear?? OMG...I must have been cheating for years because I hate old underwear and throw a ton of them away. She had an unused Victoria's Secret card...again...if she were having an affair, it would have been used and OP would never have seen it. Unless I missed something I saw no real hard evidence against her. Even her bringing up swinging is not any kind of hard proof against her...my friends and I have discussed the practice, joking around, and no, we never engaged in it. And no, it's not something I have ever wanted to do, talking about it doesn't mean I want to do it. I've discusses climbing Mount Everest too but I have zero desire to that either.

I saw proof of an infatuation which told me that maybe things have been humdrum in the marriage or OP and she have not been devoting enough time to the marriage.

@Hacker1234 , I hope things are getting back on track. I would also suggest some marriage counseling to help you strengthen your marriage. You have no way of knowing if she would have pushed the boundaries because you were so on top of things and I think that says a lot about how you know and respond to your wife. She's lucky to have such a connected partner. I wish you the best!!!!
 

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Notmyjamie, I'm not sure if you saw my post above. But yes everything got back on track. Everything at the moment is perfect.
 

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In a nutshell, after my little dday. She felt guilty because they were talking too much. And she shut it all down. In person and the texts. This is clearly visible on the text logs, nothing for 3 weeks.

Congrats on finally getting her to acknowledge that it escalated to an inappropriate level - and also to confirm that she put her husband & marriage before chatting with the boss.

I think you were wise to confront early and to follow up recently. Your wife's reaction shows that she wants to be married to you and realizes that being married involves some compromises.
 

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Notmyjamie, I'm not sure if you saw my post above. But yes everything got back on track. Everything at the moment is perfect.
If the two of you talked about it and had it out, and she’s still texting him “here and there” everything is not OK.
 

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You might want to check out the book “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass
 
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Sounds like things are good and that you did catch it before it escalated- which I absolutely believe it would have.

Still if she is still texting him at all, and if they are sharing an office together, then you are going to have to monitor things.

Given your wife's boundary issues, I personally would ask that she find another job and cut off all contact. I wouldn't want to have to constantly wonder if a line is being crossed. A look here, a smile there, and the butterflies could return without warning.
 

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In my opinion, the "evidence" against her showed she was infatuated with the guy, not that she was having a full on affair. Infatuations happen even when we are married. How we respond is what is important. So far I had seen no real evidence that she had gone over the line into an affair so I felt that showing up with divorce papers was a bit much. I have nothing against divorcing a cheating spouse, but to me, the "evidence" in this case was weak. One text is missing and there are some other double texts that the phone company admitted is an issue with their system. The same thing was happening on OP's phone. She threw away a pair of underwear?? OMG...I must have been cheating for years because I hate old underwear and throw a ton of them away. She had an unused Victoria's Secret card...again...if she were having an affair, it would have been used and OP would never have seen it. Unless I missed something I saw no real hard evidence against her. Even her bringing up swinging is not any kind of hard proof against her...my friends and I have discussed the practice, joking around, and no, we never engaged in it. And no, it's not something I have ever wanted to do, talking about it doesn't mean I want to do it. I've discusses climbing Mount Everest too but I have zero desire to that either.

I saw proof of an infatuation which told me that maybe things have been humdrum in the marriage or OP and she have not been devoting enough time to the marriage.

@Hacker1234 , I hope things are getting back on track. I would also suggest some marriage counseling to help you strengthen your marriage. You have no way of knowing if she would have pushed the boundaries because you were so on top of things and I think that says a lot about how you know and respond to your wife. She's lucky to have such a connected partner. I wish you the best!!!!
Well if trust is gone things can be over.
If she is behaving in a way that seems untrustworthy, shady, causing anxiety stress and worry I have no prob ending things.
Getting feelings for someone?
The correct response is to honor the marriage and end those feelings by starving them and cutting contact and time with the person and not feeding them with more time and interaction.
 

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Sounds like things are good and that you did catch it before it escalated- which I absolutely believe it would have.

Still if she is still texting him at all, and if they are sharing an office together, then you are going to have to monitor things.

Given your wife's boundary issues, I personally would ask that she find another job and cut off all contact. I wouldn't want to have to constantly wonder if a line is being crossed. A look here, a smile there, and the butterflies could return without warning.
Yep. She needs to find another job ASAP. Don't compromise on this, if you leave them in contact you're asking for trouble.
 

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I needed a week to gather my thoughts. After my exchange with ABHale. We had another confrontation. I laid it all out. It was pretty bad, but at the same time pretty calm. There was no gaslighting, projecting or anything. I did somewhat get a confession. The convo did seem genuine.

Looks like notmyjamie was right on. And Gabriel too mostly. However his opinion is a bit frightening.

In a nutshell, after my little dday. She felt guilty because they were talking too much. And she shut it all down. In person and the texts. This is clearly visible on the text logs, nothing for 3 weeks. There are texts now here and there, but at a much lower level. All check out too.

Pretty much since the little dday, everything has been normal. I am seeing nothing to make me think something is going on. It has been 2 months now pretty much.
It appears you did well with the DDay. Your W woke the hell up and realized she was on a slippery slope. Your W shut it down. That is good. Perhaps a reading of "Not Just Friends" is in order.
 

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If the two of you talked about it and had it out, and she’s still texting him “here and there” everything is not OK.
He is her boss, and they share a workspace. They have to talk "here and there".

Hacker, seems you caught this in time, and she realized she was getting too friendly with him. That's good.

I still think she is a candidate to do this again. Permanent boundaries need to be set. And yeah, might be a good idea for her to start job hunting. She is susceptible. And while she might lay low for a few weeks/months, there is something inside her that is very curious about other men. She needs to ask herself why that is, and determine whether she is getting what she wants/needs out of being married. Perhaps a few sessions with a counselor is in order.....I'd want to get to the bottom of why she asked about open marriages, and why she felt the need to talk so much with her boss.
 
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