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Discussion Starter #241 (Edited)
Here is a brain dump summary of things I found.

She was talking about her boss a lot. It bugged me and I brought it up. They are just friends, he is married with kids yada yada yada. There was about a 2 week period where I was noticing little things that got my gut going. Talking about the guy a lot, caring about working out more, buying new clothes, used teeth whitening, use spray tanning and started wearing contacts. She was looking at his facebook page. I was very suspicious, I started peaking at her phone. She noticed. Few days later she texted him and deleted it on purpose, to see if I was snooping. We had a little d day when I confronted her.

After that the texts dropped down, and all the stuff dropped. At one point she deleted her facebook history. I am laying low. About 3 weeks go by and not a single text between them. Then suddenly a string of texts, the log does not match up, looks like texts were deleted, but the convo makes sense. None of his texts were deleted. About 2 minutes after the string of suspected deleted texts, he calls her, it goes to voice mail. She checks 10 minutes later. I checked for it appears it is deleted, she checks voice mail later that night. Later during that day her co worker sends her a pic of chocolate on her desk. Again some deleted texts, the convo does not line up, but the chocolate were from the OM. She left those texts for some reason.

Looks like she is going to starbucks on some mornings, mix of snacks and drinks. No clue if she is just going alone, with a coworker or with him. She is paying.

Also I know they are talking about more personal stuff. One day I was saying, I want to do XYZ. She said well his Wife did XYZ and he hated it.

Again, they are not texting late at night or weekends. No weird apps on the phone. Texts are all confined to working hours when he is not in the office. But the last string of texts, she did ask if he was coming into work.

That is all I can remember at the moment.

The other thing, she doesn't feel distant, not picking fights or anything. Sex life is normal. Really everything feels really normal.
 

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Here is a brain dump summary of things I found.

She was talking about her boss a lot. It bugged me and I brought it up. They are just friends, he is married with kids yada yada yada. There was about a 2 week period where I was noticing little things that got my gut going. Talking about the guy a lot, caring about working out more, buying new clothes, used teeth whitening, use spray tanning and started wearing contacts. She was looking at his facebook page. I was very suspicious, I started peaking at her phone. She noticed. Few days later she texted him and deleted it on purpose, to see if I was snooping. We had a little d day when I confronted her.

After that the texts dropped down, and all the stuff dropped. At one point she deleted her facebook history. I am laying low. About 3 weeks go by and not a single text between them. Then suddenly a string of texts, the log does not match up, looks like texts were deleted, but the convo makes sense. None of his texts were deleted. About 2 minutes after the string of suspected deleted texts, he calls her, it goes to voice mail. She checks 10 minutes later. I checked for it appears it is deleted, she checks voice mail later that night. Later during that day her co worker sends her a pic of chocolate on her desk. Again some deleted texts, the convo does not line up, but the chocolate were from the OM. She left those texts for some reason.

Looks like she is going to starbucks on some mornings, mix of snacks and drinks. No clue if she is just going alone, with a coworker or with him. She is paying.

Also I know they are talking about more personal stuff. One day I was saying, I want to do XYZ. She said well his Wife did XYZ and he hated it.

Again, they are not texting late at night or weekends. No weird apps on the phone. Texts are all confined to working hours when he is not in the office. But the last string of texts, she did ask if he was coming into work.

That is all I can remember at the moment.

The other thing, she doesn't feel distant, not picking fights or anything. Sex life is normal. Really everything feels really normal.
Ugh. I know I said I thought she was cheating but seeing it laid out like that I don't know, it looks like you caught an incipient ea and now everything looks like evidence. Working out, contacts, spray tan, teeth whitening, all red flags. The chocolates on her desk don't look good, but the starbucks thing, if you don't know if he's going with her it could be her just going and picking stuff up for co-workers while she's there. Not going every day could mean they're taking turns going. Checking to see if the boss who doesn't always come in is coming in is pretty normal. Back up to eyes open mouth shut stance.

Do you have access to the phone? Could you take it while she's asleep and add an app to it?
 

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Can you confirm for yourself who she's going to coffee with?

.... working out more, buying new clothes, used teeth whitening, use spray tanning and started wearing contacts.

Did you mention the above observations to her? If so, what did she say?
 

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Discussion Starter #245
About the coffee, yes I can probably figure that out. I need to stop by her office one morning to drop something off around the time she goes for coffee.

And yes I did bring up all of those things to her. And she explained them away. The weird thing is it all stopped though.
 

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About the coffee, yes I can probably figure that out. I need to stop by her office one morning to drop something off around the time she goes for coffee.

And yes I did bring up all of those things to her. And she explained them away. The weird thing is it all stopped though.
Did she explain why she didn't tell you about Starbucks?

Did she explain why she deleted the texts? Not the ones that she said she did on purpose to to get your goat, the other ones?
 

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Open your eyes and keep your mouth shut. It appears you are trying to rationalize her behavior. Stop. If it was me I would simply take her damn phone and recover all the deleted information. Man up sir.
 

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If possible, you need to observe who she goes to coffee with more than just one morning.

Otherwise, you're setting yourself up to fail. Because she'll say it's just once etc.

Ideally, you need observe for at least a week (without her knowing).

And then ask her who she goes to coffee with (and see if she lies). The lie is a big deal vs just going to coffee. The lie is evidence that this is a relationship that she 'needs' to keep even if it means lying to her husband.

And a married woman shouldn't need the attention of another man. Even she has to admit that.
 

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This is a minor detective thing: You need to book out of work and drive by the Starbucks. One client resisted, she was absolutely sure that he was not skipping off in the morning after she got to work for a coffee date. Sure enough, she books off work without telling him, and finds him sitting in a Donut shop ten minutes from their house. He was holding his AP's hand when he heard his wife order a Latte. He looks over to find that she is smiling at him. Just a brief word between them, "Hi hon, you're done." is what she told him. She was surprised when the AP demands to know just who she is, and my client says "I'm the wife, WTF are you?" AP stammers out, I'm so sorry, I did not know, OMG looking at the husband, what a prick? She hesitates before leaving, then tells my client that they have slept together, although now she just wants to go home to shower and douche.
 

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OP,
Talking about the guy a lot, caring about working out more, buying new clothes, used teeth whitening, use spray tanning and started wearing contacts.

Woa OP, this is new. That I remember, you never said anything about working out more, buying new clothes, teeth whitening and spray tanning. These are huge red flags. At least it seems she likes OM or wants to get his attention.
What about the chocolate message from her friend? What was the tone of the message? That friend could be a toxic one or an enabler.

You said she is not picking fight and sex life is normal. That is good. If she was an exit affair type of cheater, that means she has not had sex with him yet.
But, if she is the Cake-Eaters type, that's another league. Cake-Eaters have the ability to act normal in their marriage and have porn sex with their affair partners.
 

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How many people are in your wife’s office?

How many women?

What is her job title that requires him to text or call her?

Have you guys read: ‘Not Just Friends’ by Dr Shirley Glass?

At the very least, you should.
 

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How many people are in your wife’s office?

How many women?

What is her job title that requires him to text or call her?

Have you guys read: ‘Not Just Friends’ by Dr Shirley Glass?

At the very least, you should.
All good questions. Also do you know any of her co-workers? Any socializing outside of work?
 

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Talking about the guy a lot, caring about working out more, buying new clothes, used teeth whitening, use spray tanning and started wearing contacts.

Woa OP, this is new. That I remember, you never said anything about working out more, buying new clothes, teeth whitening and spray tanning. These are huge red flags. At least it seems she likes OM or wants to get his attention.
What about the chocolate message from her friend? What was the tone of the message? That friend could be a toxic one or an enabler.

You said she is not picking fight and sex life is normal. That is good. If she was an exit affair type of cheater, that means she has not had sex with him yet.
But, if she is the Cake-Eaters type, that's another league. Cake-Eaters have the ability to act normal in their marriage and have porn sex with their affair partners.

By the way administrators, can you delete my prior post?
It came up in another format.
 

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The red flags are flying with her changes in behavior and improving how she looks when she goes to work. But you screwed up bringing all this up to her. All this is not PROOF, but it is cause for concern. If she is in an affair, all you did was alert her to be more secretive and careful. I know it is hard, but KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

The near confession about going to Starbucks enough to require reloading her account is suspicious. If it were an innocent act like going to pick up coffee for the office, it would not be something she should feel she needs to hide. On the other hand, why is she paying if she goes with OM? What man would allow a woman to pay? What boss would allow an employee to pay? The only thing I can think of is she texts him to ask if he is coming in...he says yes...she goes to Starbucks to have coffee and danish for him when he arrives.

My thoughts on all of this is that your wife may not be in an affair at the moment but it looks like she is chasing the OM. She wants him to notice her. Maybe she has been successful based on the convoluted process you say she goes through that ends in voice messaging and her scribbled notes.

All you really have at the moment is a lot of things that could mean she is in an affair, or could mean that she is chasing OM but he is not returning her advances, or could be nothing. You really need more proof one way or another.

You have to ask yourself what you will do if;
1. She is having an emotional affair. or
2. She is having a physical affair. or
3. She is chasing OM because she wants him. or
4. It is something else that you and we have not thought about. or
5. It really is nothing (I think there is something going on but not sure what.)

Regardless, all this is causing you a lot of pain and she is not going to tell you anything. You should at least consult a PI to see what they can do for you. Ask them what they can do to help with the phone. You are currently in limbo and so far your investigations have just raised a lot of questions and not answers.
 

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Check her underwear drawer. Does she have nice stuff there that you’ve never seen? Like others have said, red flags are flying. If your sex life is unchanged and she is cheating, it looks like a side affair that’s just for fun and not love.
 

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Check her underwear drawer. Does she have nice stuff there that you’ve never seen? Like others have said, red flags are flying. If your sex life is unchanged and she is cheating, it looks like a side affair that’s just for fun and not love.
Does she change when she gets home from work? Shower? Don't get caught doing this but on days you think he worked you can check worn panties for semen.
 

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Yes as soon as she gets home she changes and showers. But that's everyday.
Click that link in my previous post, order that test kit and start testing her panties. Don't get caught.
 
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