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Discussion Starter #1
I have a weird feeling something isn't right, but maybe it is nothing.
Wife and I have been married close to 20 years. We have 3 kids and we both have successful careers. Our marriage is good, no real problems other than the regular issues in life we all face. Sometimes I do forget to take out the trash. Sex life has zero issues and very regular. I would say we have it pretty good.

However over the past couple months something has been bugging me. The owner of the business she works at, she talks about him a lot. She will come home and say, he said this or did that. She talks him up all the time. Recently she got a raise out of nowhere, turns out it she was the only one.

I have looked at her phone, they do text but it is only work related stuff. All harmless. They are not friends on Facebook. There is nothing out of the ordinary in her activities.

Last night, she brought him up again. And I made a snarky reply like oh your boy friend did that. She laughed.

Later that night, I am in the yard doing some work. I must have struck a nerve, because she brought up what I said. I let her know that her talking about him all the time is bugging me. Then she said oh don't worry he is married with kids. That wasn't really what I was wanting to hear. Then she said she will stop talking about him if its bugging me.

Then later we sat in bed for a while and chatted about stuff. We did have sex, which I did find interesting. Because normally she has an issue if we do it on consecutive days. We had done it the night before.

So I don't know. Maybe it is nothing, maybe she likes the guy or something. At this point I know there is nothing physical.

What are your thoughts.
 

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Divorce! (channelling my inner GusPolinski)

Seriously though.

Probably nothing, or it could be something (less than 1% chance, IMO)

As practical advice, I'd say, let it be, but keep a tab on comms between them.

It seems she has taken seriously your concerns. But the phrase ''but he's married with kids'' COULD be problematic. Some waywards (not accusing your wife of being one) say this to distract the husband, and some say it out of naïveté.

Seeing as this came out of left field for you, I'd also suggest that you read in this Coping With Infidelity forum. Read as many origin stories as possible. It'll give you a feel of what men/women are capable of when entering affairs. It's actually pretty gross and depressing, but knowledge is power.
 

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Always trust your gut.

If your gut is telling you something is wrong, then something is wrong.

You need to start investigating.

Can you get access to her phone and email? That is imperative. Check out all threads and conversations, do not pass one by just because it says it belongs to another woman.

Also, keep your eyes open and your mouth shut

Good luck
Stay strong
 

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It’s hard to tell from the info you gave us, but I have been in your wife’s position, I used to talk to my hubby about coworkers. He gave me an attitude and would make me feel bad, would say things like, “ Why you talk to him, he is probably hitting on you, and blahblah.” It didn’t matter even if the coworker was 80 years old or older. So I stopped telling him anything. My hubby is not an understanding person. He doesn’t believe that there can be just friendship between a woman and a man. He doesn’t want me to have any social interactions or even work related conversations with male coworker. He is very narrow minded, mostly because of the jobs he has had- he had to work mostly by himself, or deal only with male. I just gave up sharing with him and it is sad because I really feel like sharing, but no thank you. I don’t like unnecessary drama. But if you have read my posts, my marriage is far from a healthy one .
 

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I have always been burned when I didn't follow my intuition.
From what you said, at this point a "Trust but Verify" stance would be your best path.
Monitor conversations, how she uses her phone, strange behavior, "Overtime", etc.
I agree with checking out her phone, texting, e mails, etc.If you normally have access to it, it should be easy.
You may want to have a laptop near by with a recovery program (Such as Dr. Fone.) She may have cleared her phone after you shared your concern previously. I would do so AQAP, before the info is wiped.
Accidentally grab it, ask to make a call because yours is dead, etc. Whatever works without the least amount of suspicion.
Don't struggle with "Her privacy." If you are married, the only privacy you should have is the toilet.
Act normal. Gather information. Do not let her know what you suspect.
If you find a series of actions that look bad, confront decisively. Do not disclose your source.
Hopefully all is well. Best of luck
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Talking about co workers is fine. We both do it, and for years. But this one struck me as strange. She complains about stuff here and there and so do I. But she has been just talking him up and how all the great things he does. I get it, when my boss something great too I will bring it up. But gosh it just seems just a little bit much.
 

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Hacker,

Drop the discussion for now and go into detective mode as if you forgot about it.

If something is happening then your W will go further underground and you will lose valuable information.

What do you know about the potential OM?

Was he divorced multiple times?

Were there rumors about him?

Did women in the past quit suddenly without explanation?

I can tell you that some OM use a very gradual approach when seeking to start an affair.

Is he older or younger than your W?

With my W OM1 and OM3 were spoken of quite a lot by her as it was part of the process of her overcoming her initial guilt.

Then the talk ended when it got more serious.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Yup I will drop it all now. I don't know much about the OM. Looks like he has been married for years has a couple kids. He is a little younger than my W and taller then I am. For sure makes more then I do.
 

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Yup I will drop it all now. I don't know much about the OM. Looks like he has been married for years has a couple kids. He is a little younger than my W and taller then I am. For sure makes more then I do.
Your gut is always right. If your W is talking up a coworker then there is an interest. The "oh he is married" comment amounts to nothing. You can always ask..."If he was not married then what?" Some WW also say, "oh he is gay". Don't mean crap either. What the OM looks like and makes does not mean much. Keep vigilant.

For now, stop what you are doing and start dating your W. She should be talking you up.
 

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Hacker,

Drop the discussion for now and go into detective mode as if you forgot about it.

If something is happening then your W will go further underground and you will lose valuable information.

What do you know about the potential OM?

Was he divorced multiple times?

Were there rumors about him?

Did women in the past quit suddenly without explanation?

I can tell you that some OM use a very gradual approach when seeking to start an affair.

Is he older or younger than your W?

With my W OM1 and OM3 were spoken of quite a lot by her as it was part of the process of her overcoming her initial guilt.

Then the talk ended when it got more serious.
This OP. This.

Also, for what I have read here, you can get a VAR (voice activate recorder) a put it in her car below the driver's seat, attached to a Velcro. But something important, you have to put yourself in Full Stealth Mode. I am not 100% bilingual and I would like to elaborate more,.
My recommendation: read the newbie thread.
 

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Does he work directly for him?
How long has she worked for him?

Why did she get a raise (because she's better than anyone else or because of her increased experience level)?

Why exactly does she admire him (does she admire what he actually did (impersonal) - or his personality (personal))?

Do they spend time alone or travel together (lunches, conferences, sales calls)?

You know your wife better than us. So if after all these years you notice that she has an unusual level of interest in or admiration for her boss, then you should be alert.
 

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I have a weird feeling something isn't right, but maybe it is nothing.
Wife and I have been married close to 20 years. We have 3 kids and we both have successful careers. Our marriage is good, no real problems other than the regular issues in life we all face. Sometimes I do forget to take out the trash. Sex life has zero issues and very regular. I would say we have it pretty good.

However over the past couple months something has been bugging me. The owner of the business she works at, she talks about him a lot. She will come home and say, he said this or did that. She talks him up all the time. Recently she got a raise out of nowhere, turns out it she was the only one.

I have looked at her phone, they do text but it is only work related stuff. All harmless. They are not friends on Facebook. There is nothing out of the ordinary in her activities.

Last night, she brought him up again. And I made a snarky reply like oh your boy friend did that. She laughed.

Later that night, I am in the yard doing some work. I must have struck a nerve, because she brought up what I said. I let her know that her talking about him all the time is bugging me. Then she said oh don't worry he is married with kids. That wasn't really what I was wanting to hear. Then she said she will stop talking about him if its bugging me.

Then later we sat in bed for a while and chatted about stuff. We did have sex, which I did find interesting. Because normally she has an issue if we do it on consecutive days. We had done it the night before.

So I don't know. Maybe it is nothing, maybe she likes the guy or something. At this point I know there is nothing physical.

What are your thoughts.
I see a couple of flags there, not sure how red they are. I think it's worth investigating. You need to be in eyes/ears open mouth shut mode now, don't bring up anything more about this while you're investigating. Act as normal as possible.

Office affairs can be hard to catch if it's all happening in the office. Do you have access to her work email or messaging? If either of them are experienced cheaters they'll keep it off their personal phones. A var in her car might catch her in a phone call to or about him, people tend to feel safe from being over heard in their car so they talk freely. Note that anything you get this way is top secret, you never admit to this to her. It's also common for a cheater to have a toxic friend or family member they're confiding in, so you need to be checking her messages to them also.

I hope you're barking up the wrong tree. Keep us posted on what you find, lots of experience at catching cheaters here.

Remember, eyes open, mouth shut.
 

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Yes, the reply to your concern being "he's married and has kids" does nothing to dispell your concern. It kind of answers only why nothing is currently going on between them (basically she was saying HE can't). Notice she didn't answer, I'm a married woman and would never do something to betray our marriage, or better, you have nothing to worry about, I don't find him attractive.

Sometimes the answer isn't in the answer given, but in what WASN'T said.

i think she at least has a crush on him. Given the unexpected raise, I wonder if it goes both ways.

How you want to handle the probable situation of her having a crush on him and working with him every day is up to you.

I worked with a pair in an office who were both married, kids, etc. who were into each other big time and it was truly gross and disgusting to see, because they were both married. If either of their spouses had seen how gooey they were with each other in person I have no doubt at least one of the marriages would have ended.
 

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I must have struck a nerve, because she brought up what I said. I let her know that her talking about him all the time is bugging me. Then she said oh don't worry he is married with kids. That wasn't really what I was wanting to hear. Then she said she will stop talking about him if its bugging me.

Yup I will drop it all now. I don't know much about the OM. Looks like he has been married for years has a couple kids. He is a little younger than my W and taller then I am. For sure makes more then I do.
I find it typical in a cheating mindset to say that (don't worry he is married with kids). I also find it very concerning that, to paraphrase your wife's statement "thank God he is married with kids or else you would have something to worry about."

My sister's (ex)husband was cheating with his employee. He had five employees and he had a lump sum to distribute bonuses as he saw fit. My sister discovered the cheating because he had been working on the bonus distribution and she looked at it and noticed that one young woman was getting the lion's share of the bonus, and the remaining four employees were getting very little. On top of that, he had told my sister a number of times that two of those other employees were the only "really good ones" he had. About two weeks later, a guy called up my sister on the phone and said "you don't know me but your husband is having an affair with my wife and I have proof" - it was the young woman who was getting the by-far largest bonus.

Trust your gut.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Hey Everyone, thanks for the advice.

I am trying to get my head around this. I think most likely it is nothing, worse case at the moment she may like the guy.

He has been the boss a couple months now, she did ask for a raise because it has been 2 years since she got one.

What I do know is that he is only in the office a couple times a week for maybe 2 hours or so.

A possible new red flag, she has been telling me she hates working. We did the math and if I could earn about 20 percent more. My income would be enough alone so she could stop working. I brought up I have an interview next week that would hit that mark if I got it. Suddenly she isn't so interested in quitting. She gave some good reasons, about saving more cash, things like that. I found it a little odd. Maybe because the times we are in. Not sure.

One other thing. Something weird happened about 5 years ago. There was a stretch of about 3 months or so. Where she was just incredibly horny. Like something I have not seen since we first started dating. I did think something was up, but could not find a thing. I thought hmmmm maybe some kind of affair. She isn't doing that now, everything seems normal.
 

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Yup I will drop it all now. I don't know much about the OM. Looks like he has been married for years has a couple kids. He is a little younger than my W and taller then I am. For sure makes more then I do.
He’s married—- means nothing.
He could be an incredibly ugly door head —- if he’s giving her attention and patting her on the back—- that is all it might take. She’d think he was a Greek god.

Full on detective mode, say nothing more about it. If you think something is wrong..... 99% chance it is.
Sorry.
 

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A possible new red flag, she has been telling me she hates working We did the math and if I could earn about 20 percent more. My income would be enough alone so she could stop working. I brought up I have an interview next week that would hit that mark if I got it.Suddenly she isn't so interested in quitting. She gave some good reasons, about saving more cash, things like that. I found it a little odd. Maybe because the times we are in. Not sure.
That's odd, I agree. Did you ask why she hated working, then the reversal?
If he was there all the time, maybe there was some interaction between them and something happened like she flirted and was rejected by him...so she was embarrassed.
Like you say it could be the times as things are pretty wacky.
As my 5th grade social studies teacher used to say "Keep your eyes and ears open and your mouth closed" if you smell smoke it could be a fire in your house, or the neighbors fired up the BBQ.
 

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Hey Everyone, thanks for the advice.

I am trying to get my head around this. I think most likely it is nothing, worse case at the moment she may like the guy.

He has been the boss a couple months now, she did ask for a raise because it has been 2 years since she got one.

What I do know is that he is only in the office a couple times a week for maybe 2 hours or so.

A possible new red flag, she has been telling me she hates working. We did the math and if I could earn about 20 percent more. My income would be enough alone so she could stop working. I brought up I have an interview next week that would hit that mark if I got it. Suddenly she isn't so interested in quitting. She gave some good reasons, about saving more cash, things like that. I found it a little odd. Maybe because the times we are in. Not sure.

One other thing. Something weird happened about 5 years ago. There was a stretch of about 3 months or so. Where she was just incredibly horny. Like something I have not seen since we first started dating. I did think something was up, but could not find a thing. I thought hmmmm maybe some kind of affair. She isn't doing that now, everything seems normal.
If she’s in her mid thirties to early 40’s, could have just been hormones. But yes, huge red flag. Most of the time, there’s other flags in an affair though.

if the guy at work is constantly on her mind, you have a problem. Big or medium problem, still a problem.

ask her to go on a vacation with you for a week far off, preferably out if range if cell signal. See how that goes.

if she guards her phone, bad.
If she has a burner phone, horrible.
If she has a work phone, see how she guards it...
 

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OP I have to make a caveat first: I have never been cheated on in a marriage because I am single. Though I think a girlfriend from my past cheated on me, but it never compares to a marriage.
Anyways, having said that, even though I am not a BH, I can guarantee you I have learned a lot while lurking in here. I am not a guru or an expert but my recommendation is that you put your poker face on yourself and, as I said before, go on a full stealth mode, follow your guts and never rugsweep that feeling.
I read a lot in here that cheaters like to talk. Of course if they got a hint that the BS suspects something, they will go underground. But if they feel safe they will talk a lot because they to keep the adrenaline rush on.
So, if you can buy a Voice Activate Recorder and put in to your wife's car and there's something going on, the probability you catch her is very high.
There could be nothing, but a least confirming that there is nothing going on, that will put you at ease.
Here also recommend never reveal your sources; and always clean your browser history. Because if a wayward finds out the BS is surfing the web and looking for infidelity sites that would alert the wayward.

Sorry for my syntax but English is my second language.
 
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