Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 31 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
65 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I had posted here about a month ago, regarding my wife going off the deep end.

But I am going to just put that behind me right now, and focus on whats exactly happening as we speak.

I've been with her for 3 years. 1 married. Throughout our 3 years, there has been this one guy who will not leave her alone. They met online, before I even knew her, and he has been a 'confidant' or sorts or some bull**** like that. About 1 year into our relationship, he confessed his love to her. I told her to cease all communciation. Few months later, I find out they're still talking. Again, told her to back off and even told him, to back off. Again a year later. He again confesses love to her and his girlfriend of 3 years (We have been together for 2 years at this point) leaves him. I tell her again, to PROMISE me you will never speak to him again, she does. I message him, and tell him to stay away.

That as roughly 1 year ago. Within the last month, I have been suspicious of her (hiding marriage status on facebook. Adding people (guys) and hiding recent activity on facebook. So I dug into her emails and found out she was using another social media that focuses on music. And one of her friends was this guy. So, I didn't say anything about it. She was telling me about an idea she wanted to get for a tattoo, and I said well hey, check out X girls new tattoo. She got very angry and said I mention her too much, and that sense I use to talk to her its weird that I mention her so much. Kinda made me angry how hypocritical that was, so I said replied with don't tell me about how I 'mention' someone too much, when you're still talking to a guy who is in love with you after promising me you wouldn't and knowing that he has put a strain on our relationship before.

She said that she added him and started talking to him again. The evidence I found suggested that HE added her, and she accepted, but I think was saying this to make me angry.

I asked her how often they talk and she said 'I don't have to explain anything to you.'

He is not added to facebook (The source that would openly divulge their connection), but rather on another social media that she wasn't aware I knew of.

So, the evidence just throws up red flags, and her saying 'I'm not gonna tell you. Don't have to explain anything to you' again, throws up more red flags.

Now my ULTIMATE question here is. Do I have a right to be mad / concerned that my WIFE is talking consistently with a man who is in love with her? I won't even go as far as to say man. This boy who is in love with her? She is younger than me, and they are the same age.

She insists that 'This is how I want MY marriage to go.'
I tell her that well that's now how 'MARRIAGE' goes. You can't just entertain people who love you because you think they are 'friends'.

I think she is border-lining an emotional relationship.

I am deployed, so I am limited on what I can do / access.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,149 Posts
Look up all the EA threads. EA is emotional affair. You are right to be concerned.

There is an off chance it is already a PA. VAR her car. Look for a burner phone. Keylogger the comp. NEVER divulge your sources.

How much free time does she have? IE chances to hook up? Girls nights out? Late night job?

Kids? Ages?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
65 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Look up all the EA threads. EA is emotional affair. You are right to be concerned.

There is an off chance it is already a PA. VAR her car. Look for a burner phone. Keylogger the comp. NEVER divulge your sources.

Kids? Ages?
I am deployed, so none of those are a viable option right now.
Honestly, I hate to call her dumb, but she isn't bright enough to go that far into it. I don't think she is cheating, at least physically. He lives hours away.

Let's ASSUME she has no interest in him, other than being a confidant. Am I still in the wrong, wanting her to cease all communication considering he is in love with her?

She is 20, and he is 19 or 20.

I am only 21, but I consider my self far more man than this kid.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,149 Posts
No you are not wrong. There have been instances here of people flying in or meeting halfway between.

Sorry I'm such a cynical SOB. It just kinda p***** me off when military spouses cheat on someone in some lousy sandbox country being shot at. I know about 10 vets of Iraq and Afghanistan. About 7 of them were cheated on.

She knows its cheating or she wouldn't hide it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
490 Posts
Very sorry that you are here. Thank you for your service. I was in Iraq, so I do have an idea of what you are going through. No, you are not wrong on wanting to protect your marriage. Your wife is wrong in doing this. You might want to consider a new life for you. Draging things out, is just a big waste of the short time you have on earth.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
623 Posts
Shes your wife. You have a right to be concerned and angry, i would say.
Especially since you have told her it made you uncomfortable, and she proceeded to LIE to you about it.
I suggest you simply lay it out for her: your "friend" or your husband.
If i were you, if she didnt lose him, id lose her.
Of course im saying all this with hindsight.
Dont let something like this invade your marriage.
Kill it, or kill the phony marriage.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,133 Posts
I am deployed, so none of those are a viable option right now.
Honestly, I hate to call her dumb, but she isn't bright enough to go that far into it. I don't think she is cheating, at least physically. He lives hours away.

Let's ASSUME she has no interest in him, other than being a confidant. Am I still in the wrong, wanting her to cease all communication considering he is in love with her?

She is 20, and he is 19 or 20.

I am only 21, but I consider my self far more man than this kid.
Don't think that distance is going to hinder them meeting up. You are gone and unless you have someone watching her, she knows you won't find out if her "friend" is staying at your house a couple days at a time or if she is meeting him half way somewhere.

Don't underestimate anyone's ability or willingness to cheat. I pray you have not given her a power of attorney (if you are military).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
65 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
No you are not wrong. There have been instances here of people flying in or meeting halfway between.

Sorry I'm such a cynical SOB. It just kinda p***** me off when military spouses cheat on someone in some lousy sandbox country being shot at. I know about 10 vets of Iraq and Afghanistan. About 7 of them were cheated on.

She knows its cheating or she wouldn't hide it.
Yeah...I want to assume she is not cheating.

But rather seeks someone to talk to. I don't know.

She goes to school and works all the time, so I don't think she is cheating. Unless he is going up there and into my apartment. Again, I think he goes to school or something as well, so I don't think that's the issue. I just don't want her entertaining some guy who is in love with her, and would not think twice to take a stab at my marriage and try to sweep her away.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
623 Posts
Yeah...I want to assume she is not cheating.

But rather seeks someone to talk to. I don't know.

She goes to school and works all the time, so I don't think she is cheating. Unless he is going up there and into my apartment. Again, I think he goes to school or something as well, so I don't think that's the issue. I just don't want her entertaining some guy who is in love with her, and would not think twice to take a stab at my marriage and try to sweep her away.
I'll tell ya this...if she can be swept away that easily, she probably aint worth keeping.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,715 Posts
She is far too immature to be married. Too young too - as are you. But unlike you, she has no concept of what marriage is. I think she sees marriage as merely a ceremony followed by a big party with presents - then, back to a single life.

And since you are deployed, the single life is very easy for her. That coupled with her boyfriend's (and that's what he is) constant attention just reinforces the idea.

If she was comitted to you, it would be very easy for het to shut this guy down - forcefully and permanently. But she doesn't want that.

Set her free and look for someone else. But wait until you've experienced more of life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
65 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Some little voice in my head said 'don't give her power of attorney' before I left, so thank god I didn't.

But, I've tried to tell her to not speak to him, but since I am not confronting her face to face, she can simply ignore me. Literally, she will ignore me. Not read my facebook messages, or answer the phone.

I have even told her before, you need to cease communication with him. She said its not how she 'pictured her marriage to be'. Told her I don't care about how she pictured her little open marriage bull****, its not how an actual real marriage goes.

There is no winning with this girl.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
623 Posts
Sure there is.
If you are respectful and treat her like a good husband should treat his wife and she doesnt reciprocate...
Kick her a$$ to the curb. Let someone else deal with her immature nature.
You win.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
65 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Sure there is.
If you are respectful and treat her like a good husband should treat his wife and she doesnt reciprocate...
Kick her a$$ to the curb. Let someone else deal with her immature nature.
You win.
Posted via Mobile Device
That's probably the one thing that has stopped me from leaving. I don't want her being with someone else.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
30,619 Posts
Well, either she is having an affair or playing with the emotions and life of some chap who is infatuated with her.

If it's the latter, if she were a decent person she would realise that playing him along -as she could be- is wrong, as it is not helping him to be a whole person and to get a woman for himself.

Either way, she is not being a good person and is not being a good spouse.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,715 Posts
That's probably the one thing that has stopped me from leaving. I don't want her being with someone else.
Manonfire: OMG THINK!

These two morons deserve each other. Let them get together - then you can sit back with a scorecard and see who cheats more. My money is - her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,133 Posts
Some little voice in my head said 'don't give her power of attorney' before I left, so thank god I didn't.

But, I've tried to tell her to not speak to him, but since I am not confronting her face to face, she can simply ignore me. Literally, she will ignore me. Not read my facebook messages, or answer the phone.
Fantastic that you did not give her a POA. And don't, even if she comes up with some bullsh*t reason. If she has friends who are military spouses, she can get bad (for you) advice from them to screw you.

Let that little voice in your head SCREAM to you. She is not going to change. That immature behavior of avoidance and ignoring???? She will still be that way when she is 50. My husband of 22 years still behaves that way. Sorry my story is long, but please read it and let it sink in for what sort of life you might have in the future.....just how bad that behavior can go to the extreme.

He is retired navy and we live overseas. I developed medical problems and had to come back stateside. Communication started out with calls and e-mails everyday where he told me he loved me. Eventually it became difficult to catch him at home. He was even responding to e-mails less. Money began disappearing in very large amounts. I wanted to come home for a visit, but there was no money. When I asked him about all this, he gave lots of excuses, avoidance, etc. When I was persistent, he became angry and stopped communicating.

He came for a visit in oct and said he wanted a divorce and immediately went back home. He has phones unplugged and won't respond to e-mails. He won't answer voice messages from his mother, who almost died last summer. He won't communicate with our grown son either. I found out through a mutual friend that he has moved a woman into our home and to top it off has gone hog wild as a ONS serial cheater....and he brags about it.

He is almost 50 and his ignore/avoid behavior is no diffrent today than when he was 25, only right now, he really has done a number on me. Do you really want to rug sweep her behavior and later on find you wasted so many years with a selfish disrespectful person like this?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
79 Posts
It sounds to me like your wife is not taking your marriage seriously and may not even want to be married.

That is a good receipe for infedelity

You are both young and maybe in 2 or 3 more years she might understand what i means to be married.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,558 Posts
Now let me see.
You can't stand her being with someone else.
She disregards your demands, and ignore you while continuing to disrespect you.

Have I got it right dude ???

Solution: Learn to let your wife do what and who she wants, or learn to be grown up enough to leave her.

When you was home she still kept in contact with him, and you did nothing but make her repeat the lie you wanted to hear.
So we have nothing to tell you, cause you WILL NOT do what we recommend.
She knows you are not going to do anything, so she is now punishing you, for upsetting her lil world.

I can just see how this is going to look 3 or 4 yrs down the road when you come back saying she had a PA.

Dude, tell her to pack your stuff and take it to your parents, for you are filing for a D.
Hopefully that will make her take you serious.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,655 Posts
Now let me see.
You can't stand her being with someone else.
She disregards your demands, and ignore you while continuing to disrespect you.

Have I got it right dude ???

Solution: Learn to let your wife do what and who she wants, or learn to be grown up enough to leave her.

When you was home she still kept in contact with him, and you did nothing but make her repeat the lie you wanted to hear.
So we have nothing to tell you, cause you WILL NOT do what we recommend.
She knows you are not going to do anything, so she is now punishing you, for upsetting her lil world.

I can just see how this is going to look 3 or 4 yrs down the road when you come back saying she had a PA.

Dude, tell her to pack your stuff and take it to your parents, for you are filing for a D.
Hopefully that will make her take you serious.
:iagree: This may be your only option to wake her up.
 
1 - 20 of 31 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top