Hey
@FarmTownGirl ,
I've been reading along for all five pages, and honestly it took me this long to think about what is going on here. Just so you know a little about me, I am a lady, almost 60, my dear hubby died in 2017, and I remarried my current beloved hubby in 2019. So I'm not young, I'm not a guy, and I've been in long-term, committed relationships.
When I read your "example", I have to confess, as I read it I was exhausted. For several days now, I have been tossing around in my head what happened, what you wanted or expected, what you intended, etc. and to be honest, it just does not make a lot of sense to me! I just know that as I read it and as I thought about it, I felt exhausted.
SOOOOOO...let's look at your example. [BTW, I know you've given other thoughts and examples, but this one is a medium good one to examine, so I'm focusing on it.] Okay here we go:
Alrighty, I'm going to pause right here. From him, I hear that he's looking forward to getting to the beach with the least amount of fuss possible. It seems/sounds like he's one of those guys who is efficient, and also maybe like he is a problem-solver. When the ice is initially proposed, he's likely thinking something like: "While we are at the beach it would be nice to have ice for our drinks. What is the most efficient way to get ice? Ah, we have a bag in the freezer." And that's likely ALL he's thinking...efficiency, not emotion.
You propose something, and he sees the efficiency go out the window. It delays departing to the beach AND becomes a mess AND it's kind of a hassle (remember...least fuss possible). Thus, the idea of bringing the bag from the freezer is no longer efficient and it is thrown out the window. Problem solve: next most efficient option? Pick up another bag. Okay DONE, we have a plan. No fuss needed...continue with Operation "Depart for Beach"
On your side, look what you wrote: "
Does he think I'll be upset if he doesn't like my idea? I don't care if we don't use my idea, this bag is here and handy. It suddenly becomes important to me that he understand I'm not so touchy that he can't just say 'I don't want to rip the bag open.' " Do you note that YOU projected onto him that "he might think you'll be upset" and/or that "he might think you are so touchy he can't say things to you"? See that? That wasn't on his mind AT ALL, but it was on YOUR mind. I think you put what you were thinking about "on him" and then tried to explain to him what was actually your thoughts, not his. So he's on track A-- "Operation Depart for Beach" moving forward efficiently--and you are on track B "He will think I'm upset or touchy!" and he's completely caught off-guard. His mind isn't even close to there!
Then there's this exchange:
I say "That's okay we can take this one, it was just an idea."
He says "Forget it, that's too much trouble, you want to rip the bag open, ice will spill, it doesn't need to be complicated. We'll just get one at the gas station."
I say "No, we don't have to open it, it was just a suggestion..."
He says "We'll get one at the gas station, it's just a bag of ice, it doesn't need to turn into such an issue."
See? He explained himself and you didn't hear HIM. He says "No worries. I'm cool. Just don't want to make it complicated. I have another plan. All is well."
So if part of your side was that "it was just an idea" and you were worried he'd think you were upset or touchy, you would have heard "All is cool" and thought "Okay he's alright and life is good" and let it go. But you didn't. You pushed some more! So clearly, the concern wasn't "it was just an idea." It was something more than an idea.
In our house, just the other night, we had an incident similar to this. My beloved hubby,
@Emerging Buddhist , was adding ice to an icepack and the hole to add the ice was not a lot larger than the size of our ice cubes..and ice cubes were flying. (It was a little funny
) Anyway, I suggest he take one of our wider mouth tall drinking glasses, get the cubes, and then pour the cubes into the icepack. He didn't really want to do that at the time, and I said, "Cool" and walked away. I figured, if he wanted to keep going his way, he'd be the one picking up the flying ice cubes! LOL And if he thought about it and want to try my way...hey who knows if it would work for him or not? It was literally "just an idea." A few days later, I found out he did try it (when he was ready), and it did work, and we didn't have a fuss about what he thought of me or letting go of it or making him try my way or ANYTHING.
My point here is just that as I look over just this beginning part of the ice bag incident, I don't see any way that your BF/SO could have "won" or done what was right in your eyes. I mean, right here...at this point...what did you want him to do? What could he have said that would have made you say, "Oh, okay. You heard me." Now I'm fairly creative, and I even like to imagine all the possibilities even if I personally think it's a "bad idea" because maybe it's a good idea to you! How would I know, right? But I honestly don't see an option to do or say "the right thing" (which is essentially what most people want to do if they actually are loving...they just want a chance to do the thing that leads to making you and/or them happy).
He thinks of bringing ice. He thinks of the bag in the freezer. You suggest opening the bag and saving some. He thinks that's messy and says he wants to buy it on the way. You say let's take this one it was just an idea. He says that picking one up is no problem and he's good...he just didn't want the fuss. And somewhere in here YOU feel unheard, un-understood, like he thinks you're upset, and like he thinks you're touchy. Do you want him to say, "Oh I hear you think I may have misunderstood that you're upset. I am not thinking that"? Do you want him to just break open the ice bag to show you? See...there is just no way to get to "Wow I really made her happy! Yay me!"
Let's continue with your example:
See the part I bolded and underlined above? Did ya notice that is YOU who is hyperfocused on what YOU suspect he might be feeling? He has in no way, shape, or form communicated that he's thinking "Oh that darn
@FarmTownGirl can't handle it if I don't act on every whim" (or something). That's in your head, not his. He's likely driving along thinking, "Woohoo! On to the beach, did it efficiently, least possible fuss, AND fixed the ice deal." He even at one point said to you "Forget it, that's too much trouble" and then offered a solution that was not too much trouble! Funnily enough, I think the person who is not hearing the other may be you, because in every conceivable way--words, actions, body-language, you name it--he has communicated that he is alright, he is happy to be heading to the beach, and he is past the ice incident and onward to the future. YOU aren't hearing HIM.
What you are hearing is the voices inside your own head. The ones that say "He will think you're upset" or "He'll think you're that type of girl that's all touchy" or as you said yourself "He thinks you can't handle it if he doesn't do your every little whim." See, that is YOUR head telling you that, not him.
And again, in this part of the example, you catch him off-guard. His head is SO NOT THERE (he's driving along happily thinking "Solved that ice thing and got us on the road! I'm awesome" and suddenly you want to explain why you're not touchy. WHAT? Where'd that come from? He even says "Hey babe, it was ice. No biggie. Let's drop it and have fun." That's his way of saying "I'm good and you don't need to worry" but you don't want to hear that and persist. Like I said, I'm a lady and it took me several days just to figure it out this far--he's been smacked upside the head in the moment and probably can't figure out what you're saying or why! LOL
Alrighty, final part:
Now these two parts here mean A LOT MORE than I suspect you know. My own Beloved Buddhist is also hard of hearing, and it's not "I didn't hear you so I didn't understand you...please clarify." It's literally a day and night struggle to try to make sense of what's being said around you and what noises are around you. I have an idea that might help you: get a pair of those earplugs you can get at the drugstore (to wear when your spouse snores), and wear them ALL DAY. Pick a "typical" day...and I bet you within a couple hours you'll start to lose your mind. You can't take phone calls well. You can't hear co-workers well. Your brain TRIES AND TRIES to hear and make sense and puzzle it out...and your head just gets tired! And worst of all, people will say something to you--maybe from the side or facing away from you--and if you say, "Could you say that again?" they just dismiss you like you're not worth taking the time to repeat it. Or they'll say it, but to the person standing next to you who can hear (like you aren't even there)! I'm telling you, the difficulty with hearing is more than you realize (not like he's hiding it, but being a hearing person you just haven't experienced how it is), and I suspect it would do your relationship a world of good for you to try to understand him and what "hard of hearing" is like. He can't just stick in hearing aides and "poof" now he can hear! Nope!! There are noises but it's like hearing stuff in a tin can, and it's absolutely not distinguishable.
NEXT, you mention he's a manly man, action-oriented, etc. and I was thinking that maybe you two just have fairly different personality types. According to Myers-Briggs, there are 16 personality types: Introvert or Extrovert, Intuitive or Sensing, Thinking or Feeling, Judging or Perceiving. Introvert/Extrovert is how you personally recharge your inner battery--is it within yourself or with other people? Intuitive/Sensing is how you gather information--is it by using your senses or is it by just sort of "knowing"? Thinking/Feeling is the lens by which you interpret the information you gather--is it via your mind and analytics or via your feelings and emotions? And Judging/Perceiving is how you categorize the information you gather--is it "by the rules" and black&white or is it variable and interpreted by 1000 shades of gray? You two can each take the test here and find out:
Free personality test | 16Personalities
As an example, I myself am an INFP, but I am about 60/40 Introvert (so that I can relate pretty well with an Extrovert), about 80/20 Intuitive, about 55/45 Feeler (so I have strong Thinker for an F), and truly just about 50/50 Judger/Perceiver. It's funny because sometimes it's like "good heavens the rules say it should...." and other times it's like "well I could see a hundred ways that might be done...."
The reason this is important is because it is YOU getting to know more about YOU...also both of you learning more about each other. I highly suspect you are a HIGH percent of Feeler...and he is just as high a percent Thinker, and the Thinker/Feeler male/female struggle can be fairly typical. Thus, if you two do the test and discover that indeed you are a giant capital F and he is a giant capital T, then it's not him being thoughtless of you nor you being thoughtless of him! It's just a difference in the style of interpreting... well everything. You may discover that you tend to interpret through your feelings and how you feel and "how does this make me feel?" and "do I feel right about this?" ... and HE tends to interprets through his thoughts and how he has analyzed the best likely outcome and "given all the options which one likely results in a positive reaction?" and "how do I do this most efficiently with the least amount of fuss?"
Once you are aware that you are F and he is T, then you can be aware "Oh, this whole ice thing...might it be a F/T disconnect thing?" and you can see he's not excluding you etc. but rather "just being who he is." Knowledge is power!
