[AVR1962]

My suggestion is that when he suggests how to do something let it be and if his plan doesn't work out than perhaps he will see it. I am thinking that you see your way as the better way to do things and you want to be heard. You do not understand his logic. Does he suggest a different way to do things when you have made a plan? he might be very tired of the long illustrated indepth exceptions to anything he tries to do and might be shutting you out and that might be why you feel a lack of connection.

 

[FarmTownGirl]

I actually get what you’re saying. The examples are just examples but you feel like he is unnecessarily shutting down the convo and making assumptions about your opinion when you don’t think he understands your actual opinion/information. And assigning various labels while doing the shutting down.

YES, THIS. Thank you.
He tells me he understands, that my opinion is XYZ, so there is no reason to talk further. But my opinion s NOT XYZ. If I tell him that I am not saying XYZ he repeats back to me that he DOES understand, my opinion is XYZ, so stop talking about it.

This is getting much better between us as we learn to navigate each other's quirks, but I've never in my life had the frustration of saying to another adult "You don't understand what I'm trying to say" and had them say "Yes I do, so stop talking about it."

He does have very strong preconceived notions about what motivates others, and their usually negative and totally disregard anything the person has said about their true motive.

 

[FarmTownGirl]

My suggestion is that when he suggests how to do something let it be and if his plan doesn't work out than perhaps he will see it. I am thinking that you see your way as the better way to do things and you want to be heard. You do not understand his logic. Does he suggest a different way to do things when you have made a plan? he might be very tired of the long illustrated indepth exceptions to anything he tries to do and might be shutting you out and that might be why you feel a lack of connection.

I think he is very resistant to anytime I start to explain my thought. That may be extremely tedious/painful for him. He doesn't care if he misunderstood me. He wants to move on. I care that he understands me. Apparently to an abnormal degree.

But the conflict is not about how things are done. The conflict is when he misunderstands something I said and I try to explain.

He suggests a different way to do things while I'm doing them, constantly. 90% of the time, his way is better. If I want to do something a different way, I want to explain why. Or if I make a mistake, I want to explain why/how it happened. He does not care and does not want to hear it. He told me once "you don't have to explain yourself." I was frustrated. But then I was listening to a podcast about co-dependent personalities (which I have) and the person said a secure person does not feel she has to explain herself all the time. I thought - wow, that's kind of what he's saying - do what you want, you don't need to explain.

 

[QuietRiot]

YES, THIS. Thank you.
He tells me he understands, that my opinion is XYZ, so there is no reason to talk further. But my opinion s NOT XYZ. If I tell him that I am not saying XYZ he repeats back to me that he DOES understand, my opinion is XYZ, so stop talking about it.

This is getting much better between us as we learn to navigate each other's quirks, but I've never in my life had the frustration of saying to another adult "You don't understand what I'm trying to say" and had them say "Yes I do, so stop talking about it."

He does have very strong preconceived notions about what motivates others, and their usually negative and totally disregard anything the person has said about their true motive.

It’s like when someone keeps insisting that you’re mad or upset so much that you actually get mad and upset. 😂

 

[FarmTownGirl]

This is exactly right and why he is annoyed. Can't he just grab a bag of ice he has in the freezer (perhaps bought for this very purpose) without being told its a problem?

I've seen a lot of problems in my life, but this ice thing, it surely is not one of them. I would take a step back on things like this in the future.... it really isn't worth telling someone else there is a problem with their idea over something so insignificant. Think big picture before you talk - ask yourself - is this really a problem to the extent that I need to say something...

He probably knows a decent amount about construction and simply didn't want to do what you do to him and go into a long drawn out thing about telling you how your SIP idea was a bad one.... (They are almost always glued to OSB and not plywood and therefore forever susceptible to any moisture and almost always a bad idea).

Pick your battles going forward or you'll end up with no one to battle with.

I am getting better at picking my battles, and things are much better.

But my problem was I had no idea we were in a battle - he says grab that ice bag, I say we could set some aside, he doens't want to do that, ok -- so why can't we just grab the ice bag like he originally suggested? If I spontaneously suggest something he doesn't want to do, why do we have to come up with a third, even more complicated course of action? Why can't we go with his original idea if he doesn't like mine? Should I never suggest any idea I have out loud if he already has something different in mind? (Serious question)

SIP - I asked him what he thought of SIP, did he know about it? He said "I don't want a prefab/modular home." Am I a pain in the butt to say I'm not talking about a modular home? Should I have just let the misunderstanding go?

If he'd said what you said (which I've read about the moisture issue too) I would have been 100% satisfied - because you clearly know what SIP is and have eliminated it from the options you want.

 

[FarmTownGirl]

It’s like when someone keeps insisting that you’re mad or upset so much that you actually get mad and upset. 😂

YES! Exactly. LOL.
And then he'd say "you're right, I'm wrong. OK? You're right!!!" And I'd want to scream "Right about what?" We're both using English words but clearly speaking two different languages.

 

[FarmTownGirl]

How long have you been together?

about 3 years.

 

[FarmTownGirl]

What if in your scenario you ask her about the new flour for cookies and she says "I don't use premade cookie mixes."

Would your instinct be to say "I'm not talking about a cookie mix, I'm talking about this special flour." or would your instinct be to just drop it?

If you did try to explain and she replied again "Look, I'm not using a cookie mix! Why do you keep talking about cookie mix?" what then? Are you frustrated that she doesn't understand you? Or do you just figure she's not interested and drop it?

I mean the thing is, it sounds like maybe he’s into construction or something.

Let’s say my wife is a baker and she is going to make cookies. I don’t bake really, but I watched a show on a new kind of flour for cookies so I ask her about it.

She says, “Nah... I don’t trust that stuff.”

I could tell her I watched a show with experts who said it is amazing. “Good for them!”

I could make a survey on google docs and ask that experts respond on the efficacy of this flour and then share the results with her.

I could go out and get a bag of it and then when she’s not looking grab her recipe and duplicate it with the new flour and then surprise her!

What exactly am I winning other than pissing her off? Being right isn’t that important for most things if it makes you miserable. If it’s life and death, yes being right is important even if someone gets angry. Otherwise not so much in my opinion.

If your SO wants to be an expert at something maybe you bend on it even if he’s wrong because you love him. Now if he’s an expert at everything then I sympathize with you OP and you might be onto something.

 

[ccpowerslave]

The first whiff of her seeming angry I would drop it and move on with my life.

She often doesn’t hear me because I purposely don’t speak loudly because I don’t want people listening to my conversations.

If she asks “What?” more than once for something not important then I tell her it’s not important and move past it. Every once in a blue moon she will get mad about me saying it’s not important and press it. In that case I will try to pick an appropriate volume; she sees it is not important, and then we’re less likely to replay that unfortunate scenario in the future.

The times I don’t hear her I am concentrating on something. In that case she can talk right in my face and if I’m say working on something where I am thinking then she jumps around waving her arms until I notice. I wear noise cancelling headphones almost all day blasting death metal so it can be difficult to get my attention. She generally won’t do this unless it is actually important like:

Need tall person
Need strong person
Someone scary at the door
Someone who wants to talk to me at the door

The first three I am happy to take care of, the last one not so much.

 

[FarmTownGirl]

Well, YOU WEREN'T FINE with his original idea. Right? Because you then went on about how you'd have to take some ice out of it to leave in the freezer in case you wanted drinks when you got home. You in fact didn't want to just grab the ice bag from the freezer and go. You shot down his original idea.

I was 100% fine with his original idea. That was the concept I couldn't communicate to him. Taking some ice out was an idea that popped into my head and flew out my mouth. I had zero investment in the idea.

The second he said he didn't want to do that, I said something like ", let's take the whole bag." but he kept saying "no we'll just get it at the store." I kept saying "why can't we just go with your original idea" and he kept telling me because I had to do all this complicated stuff to the ice that's too much trouble..."

Maybe it is a hearing issue on his part. Both hard of hearing and focused on other things at the time. But if your partner is telling you "you're not understanding me" is it normal to refuse to stop and listen for a sec? Is it abnormal/PIA behavior to try to clarify when you can tell your partner didn't hear/understand you?

 

[Livvie]

I was 100% fine with his original idea. That was the concept I couldn't communicate to him. Taking some ice out was an idea that popped into my head and flew out my mouth. I had zero investment in the idea.

The second he said he didn't want to do that, I said something like ", let's take the whole bag." but he kept saying "no we'll just get it at the store." I kept saying "why can't we just go with your original idea" and he kept telling me because I had to do all this complicated stuff to the ice that's too much trouble..."

Maybe it is a hearing issue on his part. Both hard of hearing and focused on other things at the time. But if your partner is telling you "you're not understanding me" is it normal to refuse to stop and listen for a sec? Is it abnormal/PIA behavior to try to clarify when you can tell your partner didn't hear/understand you?

But you weren't fine with grabbing the bag and going. Otherwise, your idea wouldn't have "flown out of your mouth".

All of the talk and analysis would drive me batshit crazy.

 

[FarmTownGirl]

But you weren't fine with grabbing the bag and going. Otherwise, your idea wouldn't have "flown out of your mouth".

All of the talk and analysis would drive me batshit crazy.

Are you honestly telling me that your spouse has to act on every suggestion you ever voice or your "not ok" ???

And that if you reject a suggestion of your spouses and he says "no problem, your original idea is fine" you would insist on coming up with a new, more complex plan, because it's obviously "not ok" or he never would have spoken, and then get super impatient with him and feel "batshit crazy" if he repeated that your original idea was fine with him? Seriously?

 

[Blondilocks]

All I know is that this thread has me questioning my sanity.

 

[Livvie]

Are you honestly telling me that your spouse has to act on every suggestion you ever voice or your "not ok" ???

And that if you reject a suggestion of your spouses and he says "no problem, your original idea is fine" you would insist on coming up with a new, more complex plan, because it's obviously "not ok" or he never would have spoken, and then get super impatient with him and feel "batshit crazy" if he repeated that your original idea was fine with him? Seriously?

I'm saying all of the talk and analysis would make me want to not talk to you at all.

I am not even going to try to process what you wrote, above. It's why he said to you: it's just ice, stop talking about it.

 

[Livvie]

....but because you asked, generally, yeah, you presented an alternative. People do that when they aren't completely on board with a plan or suggestion.

 

[Torninhalf]

Some people are simply over talkers. They talk something to death. Often times, like this ice situation, is what my dad would say....a mountain over a mole hill.

Hey hon, how about we grab this ice for our trip?
Babe, maybe we should leave some for when we get home.
You know what it’s probably easier to grab some from the store instead.
Cool beans...

That is how that conversation should have played out....just sayin.

 

[ccpowerslave]

I think @FarmTownGirl ’s last post to me kind of illustrates whats she’s having trouble with a bit better than the ice example.

Her SO is either literally not hearing her or is starting to hear her and then his brain is extrapolating her words and arriving at an incorrect conclusion of what she is trying to communicate. Once there he stops listening.

I can see how this would be frustrating. I have been guilty of it myself from time to time.

 

[Blondilocks]

It seems pretty evident that his choosing to not wear hearing aids means he is choosing to not be present with you. That can be frustrating and lonely for the partner.

 

[So Married]

We're both using English words but clearly speaking two different languages.

Yep, you speak female and he speaks male. 😆

Are you honestly telling me that your spouse has to act on every suggestion you ever voice or your "not ok" ???

And that if you reject a suggestion of your spouses and he says "no problem, your original idea is fine" you would insist on coming up with a new, more complex plan, because it's obviously "not ok" or he never would have spoken, and then get super impatient with him and feel "batshit crazy" if he repeated that your original idea was fine with him? Seriously?

See, this is what people are talking about. You could have said, "Really?" or asked her to elaborate on why. Instead, it comes off like a bit of a tirade.

You seem to get easily frustrated when someone sees things differently than you do. I get that you don't feel heard/understood, you nailed it earlier with the secure person doesn't need to explain herself all the time.

Becoming a secure person is something only you can do for yourself (and it's usually a work in progress type of thing).

 

[ABHale]

My wife would do the same thing with the ice and I am left shaking my head. We have an ice maker now. Getting ready to go and she is like throwing all this crap together that we will never use during the trip. It’s just in case. 😂😂😂🤣🤣