Hi. I have been separated for two months and I feel bipolar at times; I think that's normal in these cases...? Sometimes I'm fine, but at times I just want to call him and tell him to stop this, and come home! I feel that he still has feelings for me (we have been married for ten years), but I'm afraid that time will just drive us further apart. After the first three weeks into our separation, he came home and told me that he loved me, didn't want to lose me, and wanted to start over...two days later he did a 180. Now he tells me that I deserve better, because he hasn't been the greatest husband. He's living with a relative and isn't acting foolish. I don't want to give up because we have been through thick and thin. However, he never wants to talk and I'm tired of trying, but I feel like this can't be it. We have talked about divorce and he's told me he doesn't want to come home, but I do feel like he's putting up a wall to push me away. He doesn't seem happy. He doesn't laugh like he used to and neither do I...our kids miss him sooo much. He comes over frequently to work around the house. What to do? Do I just give him more time? Should I show him how much I still love him? I hate acting needy because that's not me...but it's tough.
Am I just not listening?
- Status
1 - 20 of 35 Posts
Damcel,
I am sorry that you are in this position.
No, don't be needy. Give him the space he wants. You can not control what he does. You can only control yourself. Take this time to be come a better you, not just for you, but for your children. Do not do it for him. Focus on what is important now (you and kids) and move forward. Act happy, even if you are not. Move on with yourself. Have a place for him, but shield yourself (with the 180) from further emotional harm.
Post on here and a lot of us will be there to help. This community is absolutely wonderful.
Things will get better. I promise.
I am sorry that you are in this position.
No, don't be needy. Give him the space he wants. You can not control what he does. You can only control yourself. Take this time to be come a better you, not just for you, but for your children. Do not do it for him. Focus on what is important now (you and kids) and move forward. Act happy, even if you are not. Move on with yourself. Have a place for him, but shield yourself (with the 180) from further emotional harm.
Post on here and a lot of us will be there to help. This community is absolutely wonderful.
Things will get better. I promise.
As counterintuitive as it seems, expressing your undying love for him will drive him further away.
Start living your life like you are single--doing things that make you a happier and better version of you.
Limit your contact with him. Keep things business only.
He will never miss you if you don't go away.
Posted via Mobile Device
Thanks for the support! So, I haven't spoken to him in more than a week and a half; however, it makes me super upset that he doesn't take the time to call his children. He texted me Sunday which was totally random. I'm guessing that he wanted to converse but I didn't respond. I do know that he's been at bars just about every night which makes my mind wonder...is there OW? He lives with his cousin who is another "lonely" male (his gf works out of town and only comes see him once a month till she can transfer). Is this typical male behavior in this situation...to go to bars/pool halls frequently? I know I shouldn't care but still do. I am ready to meet with an attorney...H is obviously not making any attempts to reconcile. I've given him space but how long am I supposed to wait? Don't want him disrespecting what's left of our marriage=/
Joined
·
858 Posts
I think there may be a OW. The whole. "You deserve better" thing sounds like a cop out to absolve him of any wrong doing. Plus my wife said the same thing and definitely had a man waiting in the wings.
It doesn't matter though. All the advice given so far is good advice. You can only control yourself and your actions. Don't act needy or anything. Just focus on making yourself a better person. The person that he was originally attracted to.
If you need to vent. We are all here for you.
It doesn't matter though. All the advice given so far is good advice. You can only control yourself and your actions. Don't act needy or anything. Just focus on making yourself a better person. The person that he was originally attracted to.
If you need to vent. We are all here for you.
Joined
·
728 Posts
I am in the same boat. I look at him and it is like I am looking at a different person. I keep waiting for the person that I have spent the last 10 years with to return. The 180 is so hard to do with two kids who want to facetime with there dad and then hand mom the phone.
1 day at a time.
1 day at a time.
I'm sorry to hear that NoWhere and Lee, because these situations are tormenting. Thank you, I know one day at a time is the trick to success. It's funny how we all try to advise each other but applying is difficult; I'm sure we'll all be fine...in due time.
Joined
·
858 Posts
Oh everyone here is a expert at relationship advice. Not so much the relationship.
But its all good advice. Like you said its easy to tell someone to act happy and do the 180 etc, but actually doing it when you really want to break down and cry is difficult.
You have the key though. Just take one day at a time. Try and be positive and remain hopeful that things will get better.
Or in my case where you grow so numb from the pain you go a little crazy then it doesn't hurt as much.
But its all good advice. Like you said its easy to tell someone to act happy and do the 180 etc, but actually doing it when you really want to break down and cry is difficult.
You have the key though. Just take one day at a time. Try and be positive and remain hopeful that things will get better.
Or in my case where you grow so numb from the pain you go a little crazy then it doesn't hurt as much.
Joined
·
7,762 Posts
Do you think it's possible that he's depressed? If you don't see him out partying, mainly just drinking and hanging out with his cousin, he may be withdrawing. Has he had issues with depression before? Any big changes recently like a job loss, something like that? Some of the things in your OP made me wonder -- not laughing, not seeming happy, etc. Often when there's another person involved, the walkaway loves to throw their new 'happiness' in the face of the person they left behind.
Just another possibility to consider.
Just another possibility to consider.
Not sure about that one. No previous issues or job loss though. I haven't seen or spoken to him for a while...just business texts once in a while. I guess the good thing, if that was the case, is that he has someone who genuinely cares for him around (his cousin).
It's been great. However, he should be picking the kids in a bit, I'm not even gonna look at him! Well see how everything goes. Gonna take this time alone to get the clutter out of here...no pun intended...lol. Doing the 180 has helped me immensely.
Joined
·
466 Posts
Yeah, you need to look for this. My stbxw has done this several times. She's said "Have you seen me at work? I'M HAPPY!.... I'm happy now. I don't need you, I don't want you"
While still hearing "no there's no one else" and seeing that the original OM is 2 hours away, even with proof he's banging a 15 yo right now... still I wonder... "there HAS to be OM/OW"
It's hard to see sometimes.. but keep your mind and eyes open.
A small update- So my H came to pick up the kids w/his cousin...in his cousin's vehicle. At first I thought "Oh no! He sent his cousin," but instead they were both in the vehicle. I send the kids out but since both (H and cousin) got out of the vehicle and I didn't want to be rude to his cousin, I went outside to say hi. The H noticed right away that my hair was different (I have been working one me), he commented on it but I didn't respond. After chatting with his cousin I went back inside. After telling the kids to get in the car, the H knocked and came inside, but I stopped him at the entrance. He asked me if there was anything I wanted him to talk to the kids about...I gave him that "What are you talking about look"-and said I didn't know what he was referring to. He asked if they have been ok and since they have coped well I said, "Yes." Then he asked me how I have been and I said "Great!" He asked if I was going on a date? (I asked him to pick up the kids by a certain time 'cause I had somewhere to go-lie) Mind you I was wearing a t-shirt and jeans...I'm not divorced I answered with a smirk...then HE hugged me and left...It felt good to be in control. Hope I didn't shoot myself in the foot. What do ya'll think?
Joined
·
7,762 Posts
Sounds like you were awesome. :smthumbup:
Joined
·
1,122 Posts
When asked about the date thing...I would have said "I guess it's no longer none of your business what I do"...
I dunno..I wouldn't have given him the satisfaction of thinking your going to 'remain faithful' or 'stay home' etc...until divorce...I would have kept a real mystery going...especially with the new hair and all going...
I think you got that hug because he got the reasurrance he was looking for when you made your comment...as I said imo...I would have left him hanging...to no end...
Joined
·
1,122 Posts
but yes damcel...
you were indeed awesome...
and you 'should' post pics of you and ur new hair... *ahem...
:smthumbup:Thanks AP.
SM- When I smirk he takes it as me being deceitful...so I think that he didn't believe me, which was my intention in the first place...don't know about the hug...?
Well after being at a high last night, today, not so much; its quite the opposite. I started cleaning out more stuff and found an old video...I WATCHED IT...its like self torture. In the video he just leaves me a personal and very loving message. I don't know whether I should pack it or keep it. I felt almost as if he's still here...I guess that's gives me my answer; he's not here, so I must pack it=( I don't know why I thought today was going to be a piece of cake=( Playing happy music doesn't even help. Dammit, I knew seeing him would set me back!!! I thought I was mentally stronger already. I guess the good thing is that I didn't give him the satisfaction of seeing me weak.
SM- When I smirk he takes it as me being deceitful...so I think that he didn't believe me, which was my intention in the first place...don't know about the hug...?
Well after being at a high last night, today, not so much; its quite the opposite. I started cleaning out more stuff and found an old video...I WATCHED IT...its like self torture. In the video he just leaves me a personal and very loving message. I don't know whether I should pack it or keep it. I felt almost as if he's still here...I guess that's gives me my answer; he's not here, so I must pack it=( I don't know why I thought today was going to be a piece of cake=( Playing happy music doesn't even help. Dammit, I knew seeing him would set me back!!! I thought I was mentally stronger already. I guess the good thing is that I didn't give him the satisfaction of seeing me weak.
1 - 20 of 35 Posts
- Status
Join the discussion
