Am I in the majority?

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LetDownNTX

Discussion Starter · Oct 17, 2012

My husband and I have been together for 20+ years. In the last 5 he has had a PA that lasted 3 years. For the last two years he has been home and we have been "working on it". Which usually amounts to me just dealing with whatever I'm feeling and him thinking everything is fine all the time, til we have an argument and he blows up at me making me feel like its not even worth feeling what I'm feeling.

Anyway....this week is the big yearly meeting of the managers for my husbands company. There are about 20-30 people in town taking part in this. The home office for the company is in LA, we are in TX. Two weeks ago when all of the hotel arrangements were being made the secretary at home office called my h asking if he wanted a room in the hotel with the other guys. He declined saying he was fine since DUH he lives in town! Last night was the first night of them being here...so he was "obligated" to do dinner with the group. He got home about 8:45 pm...no problem! I told him his daughters school program was on Thursday and he said "well that's the night that everyone is going out". Fine with me....your loss. Then he proceeds to say his boss asked him today at lunch why he didnt get a room at the hotel, last night they had stayed in the bar til 12 or 1 am and spent $700 on a tab. Obviously the hotel is now booked?! I told him I thought it was crazy that he lives in town and would go out and drink so much that he had to stay at a hotel all night when he could easily call me and I could come get him where ever he is. I am okay with him going out with everyone I just don't think its right for him to stay in a hotel room when he's only 30 miles from home. He went on to snidely say that "its okay I will just come home after dinner, you don't have to worry, blah blah blah" That's usually his come back when I "worry" about what he might be doing.

I don't doubt that he is going out with the guys, he may or may not still be having an affair (at this point I have no idea), but I trust that he's just wanting to be part of the group even though he is not a huge drinker like some of them are. I asked him if when they have their yearly meeting in LA, near the others men's homes do they get rooms or do they go home.....he didn't answer that one.

He implied that it was stupid for him to go out and drink and call me at 12 or 1 to come and get him. As a wife, I'd rather have my husband at home in my bed then in a hotel room across town just because he is drunk.

Am I being unrealistic?

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Chris Taylor

· #2 · Oct 17, 2012

What's the issue? He's not getting a hotel room and he's coming home after the dinner.

It's a work meeting where there is an implied requirement for some attendance plus it's good to meet with the guys after the business day is done so there's no reason why he shouldn't.

And I wouldn't want to tell the guys I hang with that my wife was picking me up... just not "cool".

I can understand your trust issues but he seems to be taking that into account.

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Sara8

· #3 · Oct 17, 2012

LetDownNTX said:
He implied that it was stupid for him to go out and drink and call me at 12 or 1 to come and get him. As a wife, I'd rather have my husband at home in my bed then in a hotel room across town just because he is drunk.

Am I being unrealistic?

I think your are being very realistic.

A three year long affair is a tough one to get past.

Your spouse is lucky you didn't divorce him and take the house and half plus alimony.

Also, In some states a marriage of 25 years affords the wife lifelong alimony, unless the wife wins the lottery or remarrys.

Also, is your spouse such a pansy that allowing his wife to pick him up after a night of drinking emasculates him.

Can you VAR his car?

Can you put a tracker on is car and cell phone.

Better yet can you hire a private detective to trail him on these outings. Act as if you are Okay with it, and he will suddenly feel secure.

Your spouse sounds just a tad too defensive.

At the very least, if he isn't cheating he may be still thinking about divorce and want to push you to file.

A lot of cheaters are cowards. They cheat because they are thinking of divorce and unhappy in the marriage.

Instead of manning up and filing for divorce they try to keep their "good guy" image, by gaslighting the wife, and doing disrespectful things that force the hurt spouse to file.

Trust yourself. Your spouse is acting like a jackwad.

BTW: If that is your photo I can see so much pain and sadness in your eyes that it hurts me.

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Hope1964

· #4 · Oct 17, 2012

Well, since you swept what he did far under the rug, it's no wonder things like this still bother you. You did not hold him accountable for cheating on you AT ALL, so why should he worry about what you think?

He is acting like a jerk (sounds like he has been since his affair was uncovered) and you are letting him get away with it.

You can either continue to rugsweep and resign yourself to living like this for the rest of your life, or you can stand up for yourself and hold him accountable.

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LetDownNTX

Discussion Starter · #5 · Oct 17, 2012

Chris Taylor said:
What's the issue? He's not getting a hotel room and he's coming home after the dinner.

It's a work meeting where there is an implied requirement for some attendance plus it's good to meet with the guys after the business day is done so there's no reason why he shouldn't.

And I wouldn't want to tell the guys I hang with that my wife was picking me up... just not "cool".

I can understand your trust issues but he seems to be taking that into account.

Chris, its not the fact that he's going out with the guys. I understand the need for that. Not a problem. And YES he is coming home but he is trying to make me feel like its because he HAS to come home to keep me happy. I wasnt sitting in his office two weeks ago when the secretary called him to see if he wanted a room at the hotel and I didnt tell him NO he absolutely could not do that, that it was unacceptable. He is the one that came home telling me she called and asked and he declined. It is only NOW that he is trying to make me feel like a bad wife for thinking its not cool to spend the night in a hotel 30 miles from your house just because you're trashed. He is a grown man...almost 40. Can grown men not have fun and then come home when they are done?

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LetDownNTX

Discussion Starter · #6 · Oct 17, 2012

Sara8 said:
I think your are being very realistic.

A three year long affair is a tough one to get past.

Your spouse is lucky you didn't divorce him and take the house and half plus alimony.

Also, In some states a marriage of 25 years affords the wife lifelong alimony, unless the wife wins the lottery or remarrys.

Also, is your spouse such a pansy that allowing his wife to pick him up after a night of drinking emasculates him.

Can you VAR his car?

Can you put a tracker on is car and cell phone.

Better yet can you hire a private detective to trail him on these outings. Act as if you are Okay with it, and he will suddenly feel secure.

Your spouse sounds just a tad too defensive.

At the very least, if he isn't cheating he may be still thinking about divorce and want to push you to file.

A lot of cheaters are cowards. They cheat because they are thinking of divorce and unhappy in the marriage.

Instead of manning up and filing for divorce they try to keep their "good guy" image, by gaslighting the wife, and doing disrespectful things that force the hurt spouse to file.

Trust yourself. Your spouse is acting like a jackwad.

BTW: If that is your photo I can see so much pain and sadness in your eyes that it hurts me.

Yes, Sara....sadly that is me in the picture. You're not the first person to say that. I have been a very sad person for a very long time. It comes from lack of self esteem and disrespect from the one person you felt you had left in the world (besides your kids). There are many years of feeling worthless hiding behind those eyes.

It hasnt all been bad, my husband is just a confusing person. One minute he says he loves me and wants to be with me the next he is telling me he doesnt want to have sex with me and isnt attracted to me and then that night he wants to have sex with me. So much confusion and sadness and I stay because I truely love him and I guess in a crazy way I hold on to hope that it will get better. I do love him and I know that deep down he loves me....everything has just gotten so messed up and I dont think neither of us know how to fix it.

Im going to write a book about my husband and call it 5o Shades of F*cked Up! HA!

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LetDownNTX

Discussion Starter · #7 · Oct 17, 2012

Hope1964 said:
Well, since you swept what he did far under the rug, it's no wonder things like this still bother you. You did not hold him accountable for cheating on you AT ALL, so why should he worry about what you think?

He is acting like a jerk (sounds like he has been since his affair was uncovered) and you are letting him get away with it.

You can either continue to rugsweep and resign yourself to living like this for the rest of your life, or you can stand up for yourself and hold him accountable.

Hope, You are right, I didnt handle things the way I should have when this happened. Sometimes you know what you would do if you were in that situation until you are IN that situation. I listened to my heart instead of my head many times.

Sara8

· #8 · Oct 17, 2012

LetDownNTX said:
Yes,
Im going to write a book about my husband and call it 5o Shades of F*cked Up! HA!

I think that is an excellent idea.

I bet it will sell like a hotcake if you mention it's about an affair situation.

You can also self publish at sites like Xlibris.

Writing your book will be cathartic and will help build you self esteem.

You go girl.

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warlock07

· #9 · Oct 17, 2012

One minute he says he loves me and wants to be with me the next he is telling me he doesnt want to have sex with me and isnt attracted to me and then that night he wants to have sex with me.

Wait, what ? How is your relationship with him ? Saying that is cruel. Do you guys fight a lot ?

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Racer

· #10 · Oct 17, 2012

Nope, you are correct. My WW used to pull that “I’ll be drunk and everyone is staying at the hotel downtown.” bull. She was having affairs at the time. So, now that we are reconciling, there are some ‘proper’ things he should be doing.

First, when the boss or his co-workers are harassing him. If he’s dealt with his issues, he just needs to be honest. He should tell them that he would much rather sleep in a bed with his wife than in a hotel room. He shouldn’t put you through that anxiety. This is the right thing to do and he and his bosses and his married co-workers will understand and not think any less of him. If he was really smart, he’d ask you to spend the night with him if the company is paying for a room downtown.

If he wants to party, a taxi or having you pick him up is perfectly acceptable. Best is if you can pick him up. He should take that opportunity to have you meet ‘the boys’ and show you off. You should be a pride thing to him. If everything is truly on the up and up, there shouldn’t be any embarrassment about this and the co-workers will happily welcome you. Might even be some good natured ribbing about his ‘luck’ for the evening. This is how my wife and I handle things now. A quick introduction, smiles, some joking, and off you two go leaving a good impression on ‘why exactly he’d rather go home with you’ than stay there for the night.

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Sara8

· #11 · Oct 17, 2012

Racer said:
A quick introduction, smiles, some joking, and off you two go leaving a good impression on ‘why exactly he’d rather go home with you’ than stay there for the night.

Wow, racer, that's an excellent approach. Good suggestion.

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LetDownNTX

Discussion Starter · #12 · Oct 17, 2012

warlock07 said:
Wait, what ? How is your relationship with him ? Saying that is cruel. Do you guys fight a lot ?

I cant really answer that because I dont know where he stands. We get along good most of the time. He says he loves me but he also says hurtful things. He is a conflict avoider so dealing with everything that has happened in the past is impossible. He says he is done with the OW, he has changed and this is who he is. I can trust him and accept that or not. He isnt good with emotions and Im very emotional. Not a good mix.

I dont think that he means to be mean to me when he says stuff like that but maybe I am wrong. I think that he just has a really ****ty way of communicating. His parents were not emotional, loving people and in the last 10 years he has lost both of them. He has no other family except for me and the kids and he just seems to not CARE about much of anything anymore. We have alot of fun together as long as I dont ask too many questions or get needy and emotional. Once the tears come the walls come up!

We do not argue ALOT, maybe every few weeks we will get into a little fuss about something. Most of the problem is because I have expectations since everything has happened that are not being met and it makes me feel like he just doesnt care.

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Chris Taylor

· #13 · Oct 17, 2012

For the issue at hand, again I say that he has agreed to come home so that should not be an on-going issue.

But it sounds like there are other issues that need to be addressed and him being out with the guys and how he gets home isn't the most important one.

Fvstringpicker

· #14 · Oct 17, 2012

LetDownNTX said:
Yes, Sara....sadly that is me in the picture. You're not the first person to say that. I have been a very sad person for a very long time. It comes from lack of self esteem and disrespect from the one person you felt you had left in the world (besides your kids). There are many years of feeling worthless hiding behind those eyes.

LD, if you don't mind me saying so, other than maybe looking a little sad, you're very attractive and you seem very intelligent. So, in my opinion, your feeling of a lack of self esteem doesn't appear to have any basis. If your bitter half is like you say he may be a bit of a spoiled brat.

LetDownNTX

Discussion Starter · #15 · Oct 17, 2012

Racer said:
Nope, you are correct. My WW used to pull that “I’ll be drunk and everyone is staying at the hotel downtown.” bull. She was having affairs at the time. So, now that we are reconciling, there are some ‘proper’ things he should be doing.

First, when the boss or his co-workers are harassing him. If he’s dealt with his issues, he just needs to be honest. He should tell them that he would much rather sleep in a bed with his wife than in a hotel room. He shouldn’t put you through that anxiety. This is the right thing to do and he and his bosses and his married co-workers will understand and not think any less of him. If he was really smart, he’d ask you to spend the night with him if the company is paying for a room downtown.

If he wants to party, a taxi or having you pick him up is perfectly acceptable. Best is if you can pick him up. He should take that opportunity to have you meet ‘the boys’ and show you off. You should be a pride thing to him. If everything is truly on the up and up, there shouldn’t be any embarrassment about this and the co-workers will happily welcome you. Might even be some good natured ribbing about his ‘luck’ for the evening. This is how my wife and I handle things now. A quick introduction, smiles, some joking, and off you two go leaving a good impression on ‘why exactly he’d rather go home with you’ than stay there for the night.

Racer, that sounds great but he doesnt think of me as the wife that he wants to show off. I dont think he ever has really. Since his affair he has become very vain and superficial. I asked if he is ashamed of me he says no but honestly...he has adapted such a poor opinion of me over the years, in order to justify his cheating that he believes all the bad things he thinks about me. Its very very hurtful. Ive had 3 kids, been overweight much of my life (in 2005 we went on the South Beach Diet, he lost 115 lbs, I lost 80 but since I had been overweight most of my life and had three kids some of the skin stayed even when the fat left...that is when his affair started because he was getting attention he never got before). Heavy or thin I have always accepted him for him, not his size, as it should be. He on the other hand lost the weight, cheated with someone smaller then me and had others coming on to him. I think he resents me because I didnt walk away when I found out about his PA and in turn he went back to eating because he was being pulled by me and the OW. He has put on most of the weight and has adapted the impression that you're nothing unless you're thin.. I think he thinks he is worthless until he loses the weight again but with that comes the attention and ego, and then what...more cheating? Without surgery I would never have the perfect body because of the weight that I carried for so long and because I had three kids. He just doesnt look at me that way anymore and its heart breaking.

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LetDownNTX

Discussion Starter · #16 · Oct 17, 2012

Chris Taylor said:
For the issue at hand, again I say that he has agreed to come home so that should not be an on-going issue.

But it sounds like there are other issues that need to be addressed and him being out with the guys and how he gets home isn't the most important one.

Chris, you are right. It is a non-event at this time. It was a spat last night but today is a new day. I dont intend on bringing it up again. I will just suck it up and be ok with him making me feel like Im a nagging *****y wife who keeps him from having fun. That is not who I am and not the way I want to be looked at. That was my reason for posting here. I didnt know if I was being silly for thinking it just isn't ok to get a hotel room when you live in the same town?

I guess what it boils down to is that I feel like he blames me for EVERYTHING bad in his life and this is just another thing. I didnt tell him he couldnt go or that I didnt want him to go out. I just dont understand why he would have to get so drunk he has to crawl to a hotel room when he isnt even a big drinker.

LetDownNTX

Discussion Starter · #17 · Oct 17, 2012

Fvstringpicker said:
LD, if you don't mind me saying so, other than maybe looking a little sad, you're very attractive and you seem very intelligent. So, in my opinion, your feeling of a lack of self esteem doesn't appear to have any basis. If your bitter half is like you say he may be a bit of a spoiled brat.

Thank you FvString...I have heard that before. I have allowed my self worth to be determined by a man that I thought loved me and would never betray me and every time he hurts me I feel more and more worthless. I know I shouldnt base my happiness on the way someone else sees me but that is what has happened. Probably doesnt help that Ive been a stay home mom (I am self employed) for 15 years and dont have a "career" that allows me to be out and around other people on a daily basis. In the last 15 years I have depended on my H for alot of things. After the betrayal....I felt like the life had been sucked out of me and I wasnt loved or appreciated by the one person that was supposed to love me and respect me.

Side note...I do not have a relationship with either of my parents. My dad and mom divorced when I was 3 and although I could call him today if I needed something he isnt emotionally connected to me. Has seen my kids ONCE and probably doesnt even remember their names. My mom has been drama for many years and finally two years ago I decided that I had too much going on in my own life and was exhausted and just didnt have it in me to continue on in the relationship I was having with her.

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frozen

· #18 · Oct 17, 2012

LetDownNTX said:
Chris, you are right. It is a non-event at this time. It was a spat last night but today is a new day. I dont intend on bringing it up again. I will just suck it up and be ok with him making me feel like Im a nagging *****y wife who keeps him from having fun. That is not who I am and not the way I want to be looked at. That was my reason for posting here. I didnt know if I was being silly for thinking it just isn't ok to get a hotel room when you live in the same town?

I guess what it boils down to is that I feel like he blames me for EVERYTHING bad in his life and this is just another thing. I didnt tell him he couldnt go or that I didnt want him to go out. I just dont understand why he would have to get so drunk he has to crawl to a hotel room when he isnt even a big drinker.

There are ways to communicate with your husband so he understands how the situation makes you feel without the guilt or the nagging. Get a new therapist, one that is involved with imago or eft.

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SadSamIAm

· #19 · Oct 17, 2012

I think your husband did the right thing in declining the room at the hotel when the secretary asked. I think he did this for you (because of the affair and obvious trust issues that would come with that). You should look at this as a good thing.

Now that the parties are going on, I can see how he is feeling. I go to a conference or two every year. It is more fun when the conference is out of town as people get a little more happy and stay out later knowing they don't have to drive. I know a few people that get a room even when the conference is in their town.

I think that if you are available to drive him home, then that is the best answer. Tell him that you want him to be with his colleagues and have fun and you will pick him up when he is ready to come home. I like the idea of you getting there 10 minutes early so that you can meet his 'buddies' and see what is going on. I know my wife would decline this as she wouldn't feel comfortable around a bunch of drunks. I would like it if she came in though and met everyone.

Use the drive home to ask him about his night. Make him feel you are interested in his work and the people he works with. Hopefully he opens up to you about what went on. Usually there is guy or two that gets carried away and a few memorable things happen.

These are good times for colleagues and clients and is an important part of many peoples careers. When I was younger I used to get a bit more carried away with the drinking and would feel it the next day. Now I am smarter, have a few drinks, but know when to slow down and just enjoy the entertainment. For me, I am mostly meeting with clients and it is usually an ego boost to hear how happy clients are with our products and service. My wife doesn't understand how important these times are. I wish she would attend some of these 'after' parties that happen at conferences.

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Racer

· #20 · Oct 17, 2012

LetDownNTX said:
Racer, that sounds great but he doesnt think of me as the wife that he wants to show off. I dont think he ever has really. Since his affair he has become very vain and superficial. ....

He’s a fool then... That’s you in your avatar right? Trust me, you are someone attractive and have just let him convince you otherwise. Been there, done that myself.

Unfortunately, there is no quick fix and you can’t ‘make him’ attracted to you. It just doesn’t happen if you listen to him, because quite frankly a lot of people confuse what makes people attractive with the roles they play in our lives... The real problem is he isn’t shallow with you. You can’t compare yourself with the bimbos he sees.... because he can’t judge their character or anything else but shallow first impressions. What makes you attractive is the whole package.

So, you are somewhat screwed. You are much more to him than skin and a smile. All those little things matter; Like who he believes you are. If he’s like my wife, he’s so busily focused on your shortcomings, its all a negative perception that equals “turn-off” on the attractive scale. The hard part is really getting him to focus on what is great about you... there is a lot more good than not. But all he wants to see is the wrong.

First step is working on you. Stop the self-berating. An example is ‘but I only lost 80 lbs’ like that is a failure. It really is an accomplishment. Change your own self-image. Start focusing yourself on what you like about yourself. And work on those things you don’t like. Confidence, self-esteem, and self-validation are attractive traits. Usually, he’ll start noticing these changes as well. Begin there...

It won’t help you though in your current situation because it takes a lot of time. So, just lay down your boundary. You are uncomfortable with your spouse spending the night in a hotel when he should be home. Don’t budge, don’t justify, just tell him. If he goes through with it anyway... Ramifications. Look up the 180 and start there. Detach and focus on yourself to gain perspective.

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