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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
What to make of these Mixed Signals?
Hi: I am married, 9 months pregnant, and a stay at home mother of three children (5,8,9). About 2 months ago I found out that my husband was having an affair for about 5 months with a woman he worked with. This woman is also married with 4 children. I found out because he started hiding his phone, texting all hours of the night, became emotionally and physically distant, and debit card transactions for meals that could not be just one person. We went through a month of fighting, and he told me he wanted a divorce. He rented a motel, packed his belongings, and left. He called me the next day and told me that he had been fired. I got an e-mail from OW stating that my H was with her, could come home when he wanted, but didn’t want to. I spent the several days on the couch unable to cope with one emotion before the next hit, but I gave him his space. He texted a couple of times a day to check on the kids and me (since I was/am preg.), and I answered him in short (but not hateful) messages.
Six days after he left, I was lying on the couch, feeling surprisingly at peace with the situation, and he walked through the door, handed me a Dr. Pepper (my favorite), and said he wanted to come home; what did I need from him? I told him that I need honesty, transparency, and for him to severe ALL contact with OW. He agreed. I told him that I did not want details, but he insisted that he had to get it out in the open, so I listened (painfully). Although I knew that they had been sleeping together, I didn’t KNOW they were sleeping together. When he told me that he had been telling me that he was working overtime, or Wednesday nights, he was really at a hotel with her. I was devastated all over again, but I told him that I forgave him (and I honestly do). I asked him what he felt that I did to contribute to this situation, and he told me nothing. I asked him to please tell me what he needed to be different, that the affair was his fault, but the downfall of our marriage was as much my fault as his. He has refused (to this day) to tell me what he needs changed, or what he feels needs to be worked on. He texted Ow, explaining that he wanted NC because he wanted to R with me. We had a great night together, got the kids to school the next morning, went out to eat, and drove around. He ignored her for a couple of days, then I noticed that the phone was being hidden again. He got a new job, the texting started all over again. I told him that I could not deal with it, he insisted that he was “trying to quit”, please give him just a little time. I tried, after a couple of days I got furious every time I saw him on the phone texting. We began fighting like we have never fought before. I told him I was leaving, packed some stuff up, got my kids, and drove around (he did not try to stop me). We have nowhere to go here (we live 14 hours from my family). I have no way to get to my family. I went to Wal-Mart parking lot to sleep (I did not tell him where we were going), and started getting texts after about an hour,asking me to come home. Telling me he would change his number, he was sorry, he loved me, just please come home; and I did. I told him NC means NO CONTACT AT ALL. He said okay, but I knew. A couple of days later I took the kids to his mothers, and when we got home I asked him if he wanted to get out of the house to be by himself, do something fun (He NEVER goes anywhere except to work, he has been that way since we met. There have only been a handful of times that he has gone out without the kids and me in our 8 years of marriage, and it has always been with his brother). I thought he should be able to relax (we were both under a lot of stress). He asked, “Is this a test”. I told him no, I was trying to be more understanding to his needs and desires. He said okay and left. After 6 hours, at 11pm, I was curious, I texted him and he did not answer. He came home at 1am stating that he had been at a sports bar to watch a game. I did not believe him, but didn’t want to call him a liar and fight all night. The next day we went to his nephew’s 10th birthday, and his niece (who keeps up with employee hours where he works) asked if he had his overall hours to turn in. He trained with her husband that week (putting in electric meters), and he started asking him what hours they had worked. She then said, “Oh, you left early Tuesday to go to Chattanooga”. Guess who lives in Chattanooga. I looked at her, then him, and she gave me an OMG face and said she was going to get some cake. My H gave me an oh sh*t look, and started apologizing. Since I had obtained her number from his phone when he was not paying attention one day, I excused myself, told him that we were not going to ruin the party, and walked outside; insinuating that he should not follow. I then texted OW and asked her why she was still talking to my husband. She texted back with this message, “ Your H and I do not have a ‘just talking’ relationship, we have sex 2-3 times a week depending on our schedules. In fact, we had sex Saturday (which was the night he went out). He says you know about it, but I doubt it. I brought the phone to H, showed him the message, and waited patiently until the party was over (he apologized quietly during the party). In the car, I refused to talk, he got the hint. We got home, I started packing. He got infuriated saying that it was MY fault. If I had stayed off of the phone, everything would have been fine. She texted me again stating that it was just “sex”, she had no intentions on leaving her family, she just enjoyed sex. He begged me not to go, said he was sorry, I cried and told him that I would stay until the baby was born, but I could not live with him. He told me he loved me, wanted to be with me, and couldn’t understand why he couldn’t stay away from her. I told him we would have to see where things went. TWO days later he told me that he wanted a divorce. He didn’t want to be married, it wasn’t me, it was him. I told him okay, after baby was born, I would get a job and move out. He said okay, he was sorry, he did love me, he just didn’t want to be married. I went to get my pillows to go sleep on the couch later that night, and he asked what I was doing. I told him that he wanted a divorce, I was respecting his space; he then told me that he loved me and wanted to be with me. Every time I catch him texting her, I tell him I want to leave, he wants me to stay, and the next day he wants a divorce; the next night he wants to be married.

After the long explanation, I am sure you can see where I obviously need help. For one, I cannot just up and leave, 9 months pregnant, 3 small children, and nowhere to go. I cannot risk driving 14 hours due to my pregnancy (besides he would never provide me with enough cash to do so (we do not have credit/debit cards or checking account). I go to school online and take care of the house, him, and the kids; I have no money of my own to leave. I do not want to take his children that far away, and my family is not exactly the type of people children need to be raised around (drugs and alcohol). I have considered telling him that we are separating, and he can do what he wants, and move into another room (but I’m not sure how well that would work). I have asked him to leave, but he refuses. I do not understand what is going on. One day he wants to work out every detail of a divorce, the next day he loves me and wants to fix our marriage. I need to know how to get to the root of what he wants. I do not want to divorce, and I am willing to work past this, but I am so lost. I just want to get his attention; I cannot continue to live like this. I need answers. I have told him that if he wants a divorce, file. I have asked him to leave because it is easier to house one person than 5, and I do not want to uproot the children. Baby will be taken via C-section on Tuesday, then I will get a job, but it will take a while to save the money to move out and tell him that one of us must go (her or me), and I do not have that kind of time. Is there ANYTHING I can do in my circumstances….ANY suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I am willing to try anything.
 

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This sounds like a very bad situation. I feel terrible for you. I can hear the pain in this post. If you want to stay in the house with the children and you don't want your husband there, have you considered changing the locks? You don't need me to tell you, you can't work on your marriage when the OW is still in the picture. It is disgusting for me to read that this OW is sending you texts of that content and your husband is still running back to her.

If you are not able to change locks, maybe you could contact your local legal aid to assist with separating from him until he is 100% ready to commit to you and leave the OW alone. Every city has a child support enforcement pffice, contact them too. Also contact her husband and show him the texts his wife is sending you. Let the OW's husband know his wife is having an affair with your husband. Save those text messages so you have evidence of their affair in case you go to court. While you are at the hospital check with the hospital social worker about WIC. It will help you provide nutrition for your new born while you get back on your feet. You said baby is coming c section so you are going to need to heal from that prior to looking for a job.

Your husband needs to get his priorities straight! In no way should you be dealing with this, having to make difficult and painful decisions, in your last week of pregnancy while he comes and goes to visit that OW, who by the way sounds really classy! I can totally see why he is attached to her, her lack of character and mouth sounds very attractive!

I can't imagine you having to go thru so much pain right before you deliver your baby. I'm sorry.
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dear goodness, you got a load of crap on you!

1) tell your doctor the stress your under.
2) go to the welfare office nearest you and sign up! Lock his butt out of the house!
3) Take advantage of every and all welfare programs to get you working. They will not let your children go hungry or homeless.
4) Expose the OW! Do it NOW! He is back and forth hot and cold because of the fog.

Once your baby is born, get to work, and leave this ahole behind you
 

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Discussion Starter #5
The thing is…this guy is my husband, the man I love. I do not particularly LIKE him right now, but I still love him. It is not that I want him to leave, I want him to make up his mind. I am tired of being in limbo. Do I prepare myself for divorce, or do I prepare myself for the long process of R? I am tired of having to change plans every other day simply because he either honestly cannot make up his mind or is attempting to play some kind of game. I have gone so far as to pray that I do not make it through my c-section so that I do not have to deal with the hurt anymore. I would prefer R, I can live with a divorce, but this is more than I can handle. I do realize that I will eventually have to make the decision to end our marriage if he continues (and that time is coming fast), but I would like to avoid giving the impression that I do not care or that I do not love him enough to forgive him and work through our issues. I believe that if he wants a divorce, he should initiate it. I just want to know how to get him to make a decision. I have to wonder if he even knows what he wants. If not; then what? I do not want to force him to stay with me, otherwise I will be dealing with this again in the future. I also do not want to push him away completely in case there is any hope of R. I have to wonder how anyone who goes through this stays sane.
 

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I know. We always love them.

What about you. Really, who treats someone they love this way.

My take;

He's using you. He has no where else to go. She won't take him. He knows she doesn't want him. So he goes makes his cake, comes home and eats it.

He doesn't love you the way you deserve to be loved. I'm not saying leave and really if you don't know today what to do tomorrow you will. So prepare. Put your self in a better place than you are today. You have no where to go. That makes the decision hard. That is no place to be because HE knows you have nowhere to go. So he plays on that. It's wrong. You'll see that. Get ready.

Look up a few things while your here. 180 and going dark. Look up gaslighting, and fog.

Your stuck today. Tomorrow you won't be. Remember when your ready go to welfare, they have lots of programs for single moms. Daycare, housing, food, job training. You are very vulnerable right now. If you were my daughter, I'd drive your butt outa there tonight! good luck darlin.
 

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You've already given him many chances and he continues to disrespect you. He's having his cake and eating it too because you take him back every time he asks. You have a choice in this too. If you still want him back, he must stop his affair immediately and be fully devoted to the marriage, or you have to end the marriage. Those are the consequences for him continuing to hurt you. Don't torture yourself by allowing this to happen. You must take a stand to stop this. He will continue until he suffers real consequences.

Do you have a friend that could come stay with you for support?
 

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You are waiting for him to make this decision for you, and that's a mistake. You need to take steps NOW to get yourself away from him.

When my daughter was 4 months old, my husband at the time went out to buy smokes and came home 28 hours later. That was the last straw for me. I packed clothes and walked out the door with my 3 kids, ages 4, 2 and the baby and went to my brothers for 2 weeks till I could get things together. I went on welfare and got low income housing. He tried everything to get me back - he even tried to kill himself - but I was done. He had been screwing around on me (I never confronted) and being an ass for years and was never going to change.

This time around, when I caught my husband cheating, I kicked him out the same day. We were apart for 5 months. We are reconciling now, but that's because of him, not me. I was willing to try, but there were a lot of conditions.

Anyway my point is that you need to take the bull by the horns and just DO IT. Quit waiting for him to make up his mind, because he never will. He will just keep having his cake and eating it too. Once he sees that you mean it, he may decide to work with you and save the marriage, in which case the gift of reconciliation is yours to give. Right now he doesn't deserve it.
 

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You are waiting for him to make this decision for you, and that's a mistake. You need to take steps NOW to get yourself away from him.

When my daughter was 4 months old, my husband at the time went out to buy smokes and came home 28 hours later. That was the last straw for me. I packed clothes and walked out the door with my 3 kids, ages 4, 2 and the baby and went to my brothers for 2 weeks till I could get things together. I went on welfare and got low income housing. He tried everything to get me back - he even tried to kill himself - but I was done. He had been screwing around on me (I never confronted) and being an ass for years and was never going to change.

This time around, when I caught my husband cheating, I kicked him out the same day. We were apart for 5 months. We are reconciling now, but that's because of him, not me. I was willing to try, but there were a lot of conditions.

Anyway my point is that you need to take the bull by the horns and just DO IT. Quit waiting for him to make up his mind, because he never will. He will just keep having his cake and eating it too. Once he sees that you mean it, he may decide to work with you and save the marriage, in which case the gift of reconciliation is yours to give. Right now he doesn't deserve it.
:iagree::iagree::iagree:I could not agree more. You watch him make up his pea brain when you file. You need to take back control over your own life and stop letting this ahole, and his w***e jerk your chain. Out her asap to H and family, what a bi***!
 

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I understand you are under tremendously pressure. l am sorry about that. Right now, focus on your pregnancy to avoid more complications. After you ve had your baby, you can then position yourself after you got a job.
 

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expose the affair to ow husband
This. And I hope you kept that text from her, because you need evidence. Gather together any evidence you have.

Edit: See if you can get more evidence from your husband. Do not tell him what you want to do with it, just tell him you want to know everything.
 

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Yes, exposure the affair.

It will end his ability to cake eat, and it will likely end with her dumping him. If she really wanted him, he would already have run to her.
 
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