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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband and I have been married for two years, we are both 24 and currently living with my dad while we get back on our feet.

When I was growing up I always like to have our home clean and everything in its place. (I think you may know where this is going, right??) I know I may have OCD but it's not that bad. I always kept my room clean and organized, as well as my bathroom. Clean clothes washed and folded and put away, etc..

When my husband and I were dating, we exchanged our likes and dislikes, what we love or hate doing etc.. He always told me he was also like me, he liked his place clean and tidy. There was a few times I'd go over to his apartment, and well yeah he is a guy so there were a few clothes on the ground, bathroom was, well, a guys bathroom. I didn't say anything because I obviously didn't live there. He did "clean up" the few times I'd go over though.

Anyway, now being married it seems like it hasn't changed; on his part. He would tell me he doesn't like me nagging him about small things, that it would always lead to an argument. And yes, I will admit that we argue about these things, but I don't know why it bothers him when I just ask him to put the dirty clothes in the dirty laundry bag so I can wash them for example.

I don't think I am nagging him if I just ask him to try to remember to do this or it's easier for me if you do that...

Another example: Our bathroom. I would ask him to just clean up after you're done. When he shaves, wipe off the sink and around it. One thing I don't like: Seeing hair in my sink when I am brushing my teeth. Can you say EW? He's known this ever since we were dating. But when I bring it up, he says I am nagging then it leads to an argument.

>Sometimes he shaves in the morning before going to work. He works at 12 but leaves at 11 because he rides the bicycle. He wakes up at 10 to get breakfast, shower or get his things ready. Or gets on Xbox for 30 minutes before leaving, then he says he doesn't have time to clean it up.<

I try not to say anything but I can't always be behind him cleaning up after him. And when I let him know this, he always lets me know what HE does for me, i.e. rides the bicycle 9 miles to work and 9 back everyday. Is he putting the guilt trip on me?? Am I doing wrong??

I let him know I get upset but it seems he doesn't take it into consideration because according to him, he doesn't have to because of what he does everyday(we are saving up for a vehicle, it's been somewhat difficult ever since we got married)

There are other things that bother me which I approach him the same, but he never does anything about it. Is there something else I can do? How to approach him?

I want to mention another example which will be my last one:

About a few days ago I asked him to stop by the store on his way home to buy a small bottle of laundry detergent. He says yes I will get it, so ok. That night he comes home, I ask for it, he didn't get it because he "forgot"(let me also say that he gets off at 8 but doesn't come home until 12, hanging out with friends or whatever, which I am ok because there is some tension b/w him and my dad right now and he wants so time for himself), I say it's fine just get it tomorrow. He doesn't. I tell him we kind of need it to wash clothes, plus he didn't have clean work clothes. Next day, I go out with my dad and brother and come back around 9ish. I go into our room and he is there, in front of his Xbox about to play. So then I notice there is a brand new Xbox controller package on the floor, he saw me look at it but didn't say anything. I didn't say anything. After a while, I couldn't stay quiet and asked, " so when can you get the detergent?". I am not going to lie, I was mad at him. How is he going to tell me not to get mad when he does these things? So we argued. I told him that a controller won't wash our clothes, detergent will.

>Before all this, a few days earlier, he mentioned about getting another controller(they are about $60) I told him I think we should wait because we already have one(one of the joysticks got stuck, but you could still use it). He obviously didn't think we could wait.<

He then said the usual, "I am sorry, I forgot". The day after I meet him at his parents house and he shows me he finally bought the detergent.

I honestly think I am more mature than him, in a way. I feel like he doesn't think it's important to clean up or help me with certain things.

Is there anything I need to do or say, or not say? I need advise please. I want to make our marriage life better.
 

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It sounds like you are much more mature than he is. I been there myself (been married 15 years). He doesn't need to be out with friends that often, you should be more important. Which, I don't understand that to begin with, my spouse is 100x more fun to me than my friends were, combined.

Yes, you need to talk to him without the tv or xbox or anything else going. He agreed to the marriage and has to remember that, he is a husband. No amount of hanging out or video games is going to turn back the hands of time. He doesn't need to be buying anything without telling you, and likewise, esp. when you don't have a lot to buy with. If you don't even have a car, he doesn't need to be worried with video games. Oftentimes, nagging is nagging, asking to be responsible is being responsible. He might not like nagging, but he's going to have to be responsible. No person can carry a marriage alone. Ask him if he is serious about your relationship.

I have always written, so I started writing after we were married. Eventually, it became my job and I have a few books published. It isn't much, but it's something. There are so many sites online where you can work via the internet, elance, vcoder, odesk, etc. At least, you'll have a small income and some kind of security. A girl can't have too much of that.

Good luck. I hope this helps you out.
 

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You are headed for big trouble if you don't stop nagging over such minor issues. Just because you have OCD doesn't mean your husband must conform to your "requirements". I don't like hair in the sink either, but my wife doesn't seem to mind. It bugs me exactly in the same way it bugs you. I don't complain about it because my wife does so many other things for me that I appreciate. I simply take a few seconds and wipe the sink down before I brush my teeth. Everyone has their issues and quirks. Your husbands quirks are very much in the "normal" spectrum for guys. If you allow your OCD to control your relationship I guarantee you will not have a happy marriage and may eventually end up divorced.

Apparently your financial situation requires that live in your parents house. This is not a good way to start a marriage. Your husband may not come straight home everyday because it's not really his home. A man wants to be comfortable in his home. He wants to do want he pleases when he pleases (within reason). Obviously he doesn't have that now and you are not making it any easier complaining about mundane stuff. Do you want him to be comfortable at your parents house or feel like he's being judged all the time? That gets old really fast. He may be a bit immature, but you didn't mention his age so it's hard to tell. By the way, riding your bike everyday 9 miles each way can become a grind depending on the terrain and location of the commute. Do you work? What are you doing while he's at work? These factors may also play into his attitude toward your "requirements".

Peace
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
It sure does:) I just wanted to see if I WAS nagging too much or if I was being too controlling like he says. I do appreciate everything he does, especially riding the bicycle everyday. After we argue about those things, I sit and think if it's my fault, if I even should have brought it up. Sometimes I don't say anything and just do it, but it happens all the time. When he leaves for work, I am the one that picks up the clothes he decided not to wear, clean clothes may I add. I have all my socks bras and lingerie in a plastic pillow case that has a zipper, every time he's looking in there for socks(yes my socks, he apparently lost the ones I bought him) I find half of the stuff all over the floor.
He already knows I don't like it. Does it even cross his mind? Is it something he is just not worried about at all? A guy thing maybe?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
We are both 24. And my legal status won't allow me to work just yet, I have been in college for 4 years and I am planning on returning in January. I stay at home most of the time. Other times I go out with my dad and brother.
 

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Yes guys don't think much about socks because in the big picture its just a stupid sock. I have two sons. Our socks can be found all around the house at times. We are active and we like to do stuff. Life is messy sometimes. Embrace life and forget about everything being perfect all the time. If you always expect perfection you will always be dissappointed. Relax a little and see what happens. You never know. You might even have some fun.

PS. You may have too much time on your hands to worry about this stuff.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I would love to just sit back and relax, but I am afraid if I do that, there won't be any responsibility around here. He knows I like having the room clean, if he knows, is it that hard to pick up after yourself? I am not living a child, I am living with a husband, so I think he should at least be a little considerate as I am of him.
There is one thing I forgot to mention and it has to do with being responsible.
Like I mentioned, I can't legally work yet. This is because the actions my parents, mostly my father, took when I was a baby. My dad fully understands it is his fault.
Ever since we got married, my husband has had this resentment towards my dad. Now that we are "living" with my dad, my husband says it is fully my dads responsibility to pay for everything(dealing with me of course)
My father takes me out to eat sometimes, he bought me a flat iron a few weeks ago, he gives me money for my personal things here and there.
On the other hand, my husband says it's not his obligation to do that. He is the only one with a checking and savings account right now. Does it make it right that my husband feels that way? How is he being a husband if he doesn't provide for his wife? How do you think that makes me feel? When I ask to use his card to buy something we need, he says no. So.... he doesn't trust me?
How is that even OK?
Growing up, my father has done a lot for his family (I have two brothers) We didn't have much but he worked hard to provide for us. And he still does. He may have made mistakes but he sure does regret them, and he owns up to his mistakes.
My husband says I am defending my father and that I shouldn't be doing that because of what he did to me.
 

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I see. There's always underlying issues that cause us to focus on the small stuff. This is not about your OCD or socks. Its about your husbands resentment toward your father. Your an illegal due to your father's choices and now your husband feels he must deal with the fallout. Your hoping the new Obama plan will allow you to become a citizen, but you know this will take a long time. It's a very complicated situation and not your normal marriage stuff. If your husband married you knowing your citizenship status then he doesn't really have much of an argument. If he feels he's supporting your father now and that wasn't part of the bargin then he may feel like he was tricked. I'm not sure because I think you are leaving out some of the details because you are scared. If that's your pic on you avatar then your should remove it immediately.
 

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Forgot to mention. A husband should provide for his wife if that's what was agreed upon before the marriage. It may be cultural differences, but in my world the wife is also expected to contribute to the family finances if she is not taking care of children and able to work.
 

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I try not to say anything but I can't always be behind him cleaning up after him.
You should not have to. Damn it! He's a man, not a boy!:mad:

He needs to clean his act up. Now! IMO as a male of 55, who does clean the sink up after shaving!

How about an electric razor?
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Ever since we were dating he knew about my situation, I told him everything I knew and that was that, he really didn't care. I also told him this is my fathers obligation not his, he seems to believe otherwise since we are married. I did not marry him thinking he can fix my status, I married him because we fell in love and because we wanted to.
So you're saying my husband doesn't pick up after himself because of his resentment toward my father?
I agree with you on your last post, I can't provide financially, but I do provide love, care, encouragement. I am the one who fills out his applications online, I create his resumes, I keep his work stuff organized, I wish I could financially provide, you have no idea.
 

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Ever since we were dating he knew about my situation, I told him everything I knew and that was that, he really didn't care. I also told him this is my fathers obligation not his, he seems to believe otherwise since we are married. I did not marry him thinking he can fix my status, I married him because we fell in love and because we wanted to.
So you're saying my husband doesn't pick up after himself because of his resentment toward my father?
I agree with you on your last post, I can't provide financially, but I do provide love, care, encouragement. I am the one who fills out his applications online, I create his resumes, I keep his work stuff organized, I wish I could financially provide, you have no idea.

I'm saying if he's frustrated with your father and he comes home to see him everyday he may be so upset that he ignores your household concerns. He may also just be a slob, but most heterosexual 24 year old men are slobs. It's the exception for a young man to be neat. I'm not a big fan of marrying before 30 so when I hear women complain about their immature 24 year old husbands I think "What did you expect from a boy?" Again this might be a cultural difference...

He's right about one thing. Now that you're married your well being is primarily his concern. If you get sick he must care for you. If you need a loan he must sign for it. He will never be able to forgive your father like you did because he's personally dealing with the consequences. You have to remember that he has no emotional attachment to your father and he's just looking at his actions. If you defend your father he may feel that you are attacking him given your situation. I really don't see how any married man can live with their father in-law. I would have a hard time having sex with my wife with her father in the next room.
 

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I don't know why it bothers him when I just ask him to put the dirty clothes in the dirty laundry bag so I can wash them for example.
Get 1 basket that is for floor clothes. When you see his clothes on the floor, throw them in his basket. Do not sort them, do not clean them, do not do anything other than throw them in the basket. Your husband will do that when he is ready to do it. It's not like he's going to let it sit forever, lose his job because he went to work naked, then be unemployed forever. He'll act when he needs to.
Me and the gf have a system sort of like this. We've never had to fight about laundry because we each are responsible for our own stuff. Clothes left on the floor are not washed, and we each know exactly whose fault it is.
This trick probably works on kids too.


gets on Xbox for 30 minutes before leaving, then he says he doesn't have time to clean it up.<
He probably just sees it as a total waste of time. If I cleaned my kitchen floor every time I dropped something, I would never have time to do more important things.

laundry detergent
Buy your own small bottle of detergent. Wash your clothes with detergent. Wash his clothes with cold water and no detergent. He'll eventually ask why they're so damn dirty. "we still don't have any detergent" :D
It's not passive aggressive. It's just reality. You don't want soap, so you don't get soap. This is your clothes without soap. Do you want to buy soap now?
 

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I think if he's that tired of life as it is, it's in his power to change it, especially if he's the one with the money. It says a great deal if you don't even have a car and he's buying video game equipment.

You are his responsibility, not your father's, although I know in this day and age, parental help in those early years is nearly a necessity. Just IMO, I agree with MattMatt. There's a massive difference in nagging and just looking for some help. You should both be able to depend on one another for support. He knew what he was getting into, I mean you did get married.

You're supposed to be friends and supposed to be good to one another. If he doesn't like living with your father, he can change it, if he hates it that bad. Apparently, it's nothing he can't live with.

Be gentle and loving, but choose your battles wisely and be firm. He needs to see you are his wife, not a roommate. He should be a husband to his wife.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
My father and husband don't even see each other all day. My husband is working all day until 8 but decides to stay out a little later so he won't come home to see my dad, and I am ok with that. We won't be living here forever, we will probably leave before the end of the year.
I've always told my husband to let my father deal with his mistakes, if he doesn't do anything to fix then he won't do anything. My husband has crossed the line several times with my father by telling him he has to man up to his mistakes, it's his fault I am in this situation. My husband has to understand he has no right to tell my father this, especially if we're staying in his home. I am not defending my father, it's just I know how my dad is and I've told my husband how he is, but he runs his mouth anyway, it's not ok.
We're living with him temporarily and yes it gets awkward at times but what are ought to do, not have sex? Our rooms are not even close to each other, but I understand what you're saying..
 

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I think moving out will solve most of what your going through. I think there's a bit of a power struggle going between your Dad and your husband. The fact that your husband avoids seeing him is very telling. I think biting your tongue on the small stuff during this transitional time will go a long ways to keeping the peace. I could never deal with this type of thing and would do everything in my power to move out of my father in-laws house. It's a recipie for divorce in my opinion.
 

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Neither one of you is completely right or completely wrong. And both of you have some annoying things you do.

Nothing you have said shows you to be more mature than your husband. It could be argued that he is more mature because he gets up every day, rides his bike 9 miles to work and supports the two of you. That is HUGE and very mature. You like the house very neat and clean and that is mature as well.

You stating that you think you are more mature than he is what is called a “disrespectful judgment”.

There are some things you can do that will alleviate some of these problems.

About the laundry soap. You are a SAHW right now. Running the home is your job. Why are you not planning well enough to not run out of laundry soap? Plan ahead. I try to keep one ahead on everything so that this never happens. Why couldn’t you pick it up? Can you walk to the store? Could you have picked it up when you went out with our dad?
In your husband’s defense… my husband stays home. He used to call me all the time to stop by the store on the way home to get things. AT first it was ok. After a while it really bothered me. Here I was working a long day and now I had to go shopping? You have got to be kidding me. So I stopped doing it. I told him to get off his arse and plan shopping better. He no longer asks me to pick up things on the way home from work. I won’t get them anyway… the stores are out of my way… by several miles.
Some of the things that you describe have some simple solutions.

Socks: I used to buy my husband two kinds of socks; white athletic ones and black ones. All the white ones are the same kind. All the black ones are the same kind. When I washed them they went into the sock drawer. Problem solved. All he had to do to get a pair of black socks was to take out two black socks… because they were all the same. I bought him some extra because we know that socks disappear into strange dimensions and then weeks later fall out of that dimension somewhere else. My theory about sock is that eventually they will all find their way to the sock drawer. So I don’t worry about matching pairs.
Once I had 3 kids in the house I did the same thing with them. I just got the same socks for all 3 of them. We had a sock bag for the kids. It made that one easy.

Money and spending: The two of you should be on one page for how to handle your finances. But that said each of you should have some money every month that you can do with what you please. This is money that you do not have to ask permission to spend. If he wants to buy a huge box of bubble gum with his fun money that’s his business and you need to respect that. And you should be able to spend yours the way you want to. But the two of you have to decide how much money a pay period is your fun money… after savings, after paying bills.

Here is a very good book for the two of you to read and to come up with your financial plan for life: “Smart Couples Finish Rich: Nine Steps to Creating a Rich Future For You and Your Partner

Him throwing cloths all over the place. Just push it into a pile and out of your way. It’s his mess. He likes his mess. Let him have it. Just tell him that he gets his mess but keep his grubby hands off your neat, organized, things. So now the two of you have what you want. What I did was to buy some of those net clothing hampers…. $5 at Walgreens or Wal-Mart … I just pick up my husband’s pile and throw it in those. He’s find with it. They are in the closet so I can close the closet door and all is well with the world.

As time goes on you might get to work on him and this, but not right now. You have to stop nagging.

So now the hair in the bathroom sink. Yea ew… but stop nagging right now. Just clean it up for now. Pick our battles well. This is little compared to your marriage falling apart. Your husband his working and supporting you. You are a lucky woman. If hair in the bathroom sink is the worst thing he does in your lifetime together you will be one lucky woman.

Right now you two have traditional roles. You have the house wife and he is the breadwinner. This means that you have 100% responsibility for things at home. He has 100% responsible for supporting the two of you. Once you start working, this will shift. But for now this is what you have.

For now stop all nagging and do some work.

Here are some books that I think will really help you:

Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” by Dr. Laura Schlessinger (she has other good books about marriage but this one is especially good for what you are going through now.)

Then there is “Divorce Busting” This is a good book to read long before there are any big issues in yoru marriage.

Then after that book take a look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. It’s best if your husband will read them with you. But if not read them and start doing the work they tell you to do.
 

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Ok so now you bring in new info that changes some things. But some things are not clear.

Does your husband pay rent, food, utilities, etc to your father? Or is he living free in your father’s house?
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
We pay $200 each month we are here, it's the least my husband can give my dad to help pay for what we use (extra water, electricity, and food)
 
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