[newandlost]

Hi Everyone,

I'm a new member here, but I've been browsing these forums for a while now. You all seem very kind and insightful, and so I feel it's time for me to join you fully. =)

My husband and I have been having problems for a while now, but I could go on for pages if I tried to tell you our whole marital history and I don't want to bore you. The issue I've been dealing with for the past several months (since February) has really been eating at me and I've even been starting to question my own sanity and whether I can trust my gut feelings at all. I am really hoping that you could help me determine whether I have a right to be concerned, or whether I'm overreacting.

In a nutshell, I believe my husband was at the very least toying with the idea of cheating back in February, and at worst actually did so. I have never had reason to believe he would be unfaithful in the past, and have always had complete trust in him. However, when I came home one day in February (he had the day off), I had the strongest gut feeling that something was "off". I was going to take the day off with him, but he became very angry and said that he wanted to have time to himself (we had been arguing lately so I understood). I noticed that he had hastily cleaned the dining room (the main room you see when you open the front door), and had completely washed the bedsheets, including the top bedspread...this is something he almost never does. He also put an old green chair in the bedroom for some reason. He had been getting over a cold and so we were in separate bedrooms at the time...I told him to let me know when he wanted me to come back to our bedroom, but he hadn't yet.

So I had this strange gut feeling, which was then corroborated by him doing some really strange chores. Not only does he almost never do chores on a day off, but the dining room and bedroom would be near the end of his list. This really puzzled me. Then I also noticed that he was completely showered and "groomed" down there, etc. I did notice a few more odd things but I won't get into those. Suffice it to say that I felt weirded out enough about the whole thing to ask him if anyone came over. He said "of course not". I figured that it was just all one big coincidence, took him at his word and tried to go on as normal.

My feeling was still there the following week, however, and I happened to have a day off myself. So I decided that I would just check the computer in the den to see if I noticed anything unusual....due to his cold he had been off work and/or working from home a lot, and had been up there quite a bit. I figured that this was just a precaution since my gut feeling would not let up and I still found those chores so strange.

Well, in the drop-down history of the internet browser (the address bar), I came across a few articles off a blog about "meeting real women online". The articles were titled things such as "dating tips - first date" and "pof meetme update". My heart felt like it had dropped into my stomach. If I had come across these on my own without any of the other stuff, then maybe I wouldn't have been so concerned. But the fact that my gut feeling came first, and then when I went to check I actually found something....I didn't know what to do.

Besides about five articles in the history from that blog site, I found a couple of other strange articles, plus the one link that really has me going crazy, which is this:

"www.pof.com/inbox.aspx#in"

When I googled what "pof" was, it came up as being the plenty of fish dating site. I was really feeling horrible at this point, and while I now know that you're supposed to hold off on confronting anyone when you have suspicions until you have more information, I was too upset and hysterical and so when he came home I burst into tears and asked him if he had been "meeting real women online". At first he was confused and then looked surprised and said "show me", which I did.

When I showed him the links, he swore up and down (and still does to this day), that he absolutely never went there and that they were either spam/malware or popups. Even when I told him that the specific-ness of those links didn't seem to me like they would ads or spam, he insisted. That night, I was so upset that I took him at his word.

There have been a few things that have happened since then, but I know that I've already talked a lot and I don't want to bog you down with all of the details. Basically, what I'd like your thoughts on is my opinion that ads or spam would not cause such specific links to show up. Particularly the one that I typed out for you from pof. My mind - and my heart - are finding it extremely hard to believe that a direct link to an inbox (which takes you to a login screen) would be used as an ad or spam (versus the home page). The reason I am going crazy is because my husband keeps insisting that he 100% never went there deliberately, and has basically been demonizing me for "not trusting my own husband".

So, based on those links alone, especially the inbox one, what do you think? Do you think that they really could be spam or ads or something else, that there is any possibility that he did not deliberately go there? If he had come to me and confessed, then perhaps we could have worked on things more - we have actually been going to counselling these past few months anyhow. But if he's been lying through his teeth and demonizing me in an attempt to make me question my own sanity to get himself off the hook, then I don't believe I could regain trust.

I very much welcome your opinions and thoughts, and am very very grateful for any advice you may have to offer. I really am lost and I really am wondering if I'm imagining everything and going crazy. =( My hair has been falling out and I've lost around 20 pounds from all of this, I've been so stressed out...not to mention my poor performance at work. I'm at a loss as to what to do and who to believe anymore...

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read this, and I'm very happy to be joining you.

Take care,
newandlost

 

[Enginerd]

I'm not an expert on infidelity but I'd say your not crazy to be asking questions. The "grooming" is the biggest tip off if it's not something he does regularly. You mentioned you're in councelling and your sleeping in seperate rooms. If is been a long time since you two have had mutually satifying sex then I'd be extremely concerned. Cheaters always lie when first asked about it so I think you need to dig a little deeper without exposing yourself. The links to the articles are not popups. As far as I know popups don't leave links in your browser.

 

[MattMatt]

Wow. Demonising the mother of his children? Gee. He's a real kipper. Not a keeper but a kipper, as in there's a nasty, fishy smell about what he has done.

You might like to consider getting a STD test done. Not only will it protect you it will hopefully wake him up.

MC with a liar is a tad problematic, I would say...

 

[MattMatt]

I'm not an expert on infidelity but I'd say your not crazy to be asking questions. The "grooming" is the biggest tip off if it's not something he does regularly. You mentioned you're in councelling and your sleeping in seperate rooms. If is been a long time since you two have had mutually satifying sex then I'd be extremely concerned. Cheaters always lie when first asked about it so I think you need to dig a little deeper without exposing yourself. The links to the articles are not popups. As far as I know popups don't leave links in your browser.

Well, it would should you be daft enough to click on one. But you are right. They do not sound like pop-ups to me.

 

[walkonmars]

Forget the spam story. The only one getting spam is you. (no offense). And he's the spammer.

This is serious stuff. POF can deliver a local partner in hours if not minutes.

Tell him you want the truth if he wants the marriage to last another day. Threaten a polygraph test. Don't cry, yell, or get emotional.

If he starts yelling, walk away. But do not let this drop. He has to answer.

 

[Will_Kane]

Does he normally delete his browsing history?

How old was the history that you looked at?

If he was surfing the web for online hookups and not deleting browsing history, I would think you would find more than you did.

When you came home to find your husband had done the strange bed-related chores and groomed himself, was your suspicion that he did it because someone had already been there and they had left a mess?

Can you put a keylogger on the computer?

 

[newandlost]

Thank you all so much for your replies. You're very insightful and have given me some food for thought, and have also helped to corroborate my gut feeling (sadly).

@walkonmars: you're right that POF is serious, that's why I'm so concerned that the link went to an inbox. To have an inbox means you have an account....and that smacks of deliberateness to me.

@Will_Kane: he is actually in IT and is usually pretty careful...I think with his cold he just got lazy or forgetful. He does look at porn and makes sure he either deletes his history, goes incognito mode (private browsing), or logs into his work computer. After I confronted him he showed me his work email to say "look, nothing here". Then he wiped the computer so I wasn't able to go back...he said it was a knee-jerk reaction. =/ And my suspicions re his cleaning were aroused because the house was on the messy side to begin with and he normally doesn't clean up to the degree he did (especially on a day off). Unfortunately it's too late to install a keylogger, he now uses only Firefox and told me that he'd make sure to delete everything so I wouldn't make false accusations anymore.

@Enginerd and MattMatt: thank you so much. I've tried to believe the ad/popup explanation, but I admit it's been very tough to swallow. The thought of an STD test scares me to death, but perhaps I should consider it. =/

 

[newandlost]

Oh sorry Will, I didn't reply to one of your questions.

In terms of how old the history was, it seemed to be fairly recent (at least as of February). I clicked on a few of the article links and did the google ID box, and it said "you first visited this site on December 3, 2011", then Dec 29 and Jan 23. Unfortunately I didn't do that for the POF link. =/

 

[Wazza]

I typed the URL in...it took me to a registration screen, not an inbox. I could see it coming up as spam, though I really don't know that it would. But I don't go searching for porn. When I did in the past I certainly saw spam.

I wouldn't hang him on that alone.

However if the other things are also out of character, I would wonder. Cheaters do lie.

I would suggest he be required to NOT delete stuff in Firefox as a matter of trust. He has after all raised a few flags.

 

[tonynw]

hi, i am a 24 yr old married man from london. when i got married i was the happiest man alive, but then time went by and my wife gave birth, things changed and we grew apart. i began questioning if i was too young for all this and started going out drinking and clubbing. i made a complete fool of myself by being caught in the company of other woman. my wife saw this with her own eyes and to this day i denied it. (crazy isnt it) we carried on for the next year but things were never the same, she always brought up that same thing. and it got to a point where i couldnt bare to live with knowint g what i done to a good girl. and we called it quits. i wish i had the chance to go back and maybe confess and admit that i was a fool. now ive lost everything. i hope your husband confessess and you both get on with your lifes instead of living a lie which you will both never get over. good luck x

 

[newandlost]

Hi Wazza,

Thanks for your reply. The login screen is what concerns me...that's where you would go to log in to your inbox. I would imagine that a normal ad would take you to the front page where there are pictures of women/men, etc.

I think I'm trying to find a smoking gun because it is so hard when he is continuously saying that he never went to those links. But since he wiped everything else, those links and his weird behaviour are all I have. =(

He wasn't receptive to having an open book internet when I mentioned it before....I'll try again though.

 

[MattMatt]

hi, i am a 24 yr old married man from london. when i got married i was the happiest man alive, but then time went by and my wife gave birth, things changed and we grew apart. i began questioning if i was too young for all this and started going out drinking and clubbing. i made a complete fool of myself by being caught in the company of other woman. my wife saw this with her own eyes and to this day i denied it. (crazy isnt it) we carried on for the next year but things were never the same, she always brought up that same thing. and it got to a point where i couldnt bare to live with knowint g what i done to a good girl. and we called it quits. i wish i had the chance to go back and maybe confess and admit that i was a fool. now ive lost everything. i hope your husband confessess and you both get on with your lifes instead of living a lie which you will both never get over. good luck x

Tony, mate, thanks for your honesty, there. That took some guts.

 

[newandlost]

Wow Tony, thanks so much for your honesty and candor. Sometimes honesty and remorse can make all the difference. I really appreciate it.

 

[Wazza]

Hi Wazza,

Thanks for your reply. The login screen is what concerns me...that's where you would go to log in to your inbox. I would imagine that a normal ad would take you to the front page where there are pictures of women/men, etc.

I think I'm trying to find a smoking gun because it is so hard when he is continuously saying that he never went to those links. But since he wiped everything else, those links and his weird behaviour are all I have. =(

He wasn't receptive to having an open book internet when I mentioned it before....I'll try again though.

Re open book internet.....you could always insist. But let's face it, all that achieves if he is cheating is to make it less convenient. Still I probably would. If he is cheating you have to fight dirty to catch him.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Will_Kane]

He wasn't receptive to having an open book internet when I mentioned it before....I'll try again though.

Big red flag. Maybe he doesn't want you to see the porn he's looking at.

If he was very into the online dating thing you would have found a lot more in the browsing history over the past two months, unless those are just ones he somehow missed. If you found them, it's not likely he would miss them, though.

I don't think you understand how a keylogger works. It logs all keystrokes. It doesn't matter what browser you use.

 

[gumby0811]

My WH's first reaction when I confronted him about the dating sites I found him on was to say they were spam, I didn't believe it and kept pushing and found out the truth.

Hate to be so blunt, but he signed up for the site.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[See_Listen_Love]

Hi NewandLost,

Sorry you are in this situation.

I would say, forget about the internet part of the deal. He is more computer expert than you, so you better concentrate on the fysical part of his possible affair(s).

He will be more focussed on hiding the computer part that too, so if you keep quiet about other way's of investigating you have more chance of finding out.

The red flag's are enormous, so you have all rights to keep an eye on his fysical whereabouts.

 

[Remains]

N&L, you are not wrong. I would completely disagree with Wazza, there is absolutely enough to hang him on! Plenty...and then some!

The problem is, because you are new here and new to this situation, there is not enough for YOU to hang him on.

If you want to catch him, to gather more evidence, there are plenty of ways. But number 1, you HAVE to stop accusing him or acting like you are suspicious of him. Then he will relax and not worry about being caught so much, he won't cover his tracks so well and he won't feel the need to be ultra careful.

A keylogger for the computer is number 1 action. But as he is computer savvy you need to be careful. Something definitely went on that day, and now you can feel no guilt for not trusting him and for snooping. They always try and make you feel guilty and like the bad one...don't! This is purely a tactic for shutting you up and to stop the suspicions so they can carry on.

I think with a keylogger you will get all you need, but you can also put spyware on his phone...also check the phone bill records, look at the online account. Spyware on the phone you have to be careful with. Ensure the settings are correct otherwise they will drain the battery and data usage. You can put a VAR in the bedroom and car. Basically you just need to go full detective mode, undercover, to catch him. And you will!

 

[Wazza]

N&L, you are not wrong. I would completely disagree with Wazza, there is absolutely enough to hang him on! Plenty...and then some!

The problem is, because you are new here and new to this situation, there is not enough for YOU to hang him on.

If you want to catch him, to gather more evidence, there are plenty of ways. But number 1, you HAVE to stop accusing him or acting like you are suspicious of him. Then he will relax and not worry about being caught so much, he won't cover his tracks so well and he won't feel the need to be ultra careful.

A keylogger for the computer is number 1 action. But as he is computer savvy you need to be careful. Something definitely went on that day, and now you can feel no guilt for not trusting him and for snooping. They always try and make you feel guilty and like the bad one...don't! This is purely a tactic for shutting you up and to stop the suspicions so they can carry on.

I think with a keylogger you will get all you need, but you can also put spyware on his phone...also check the phone bill records, look at the online account. Spyware on the phone you have to be careful with. Ensure the settings are correct otherwise they will drain the battery and data usage. You can put a VAR in the bedroom and car. Basically you just need to go full detective mode, undercover, to catch him. And you will!

You have enough evidence to hang him so go and gather more evidence?

Ok, acid test....is it time to file for divorce on the grounds of infidelity? Or is it that something is wrong and more information is needed to work out exactly what?

I think the latter and both of us seem to agree that getting him to relax so you can catch him is the number one step to take.

Hypothesis one is he is cheating. Hypothesis two is he was tempted but didn't go through with it. I don't know which it is. And I could come out with other possible explanations.

 

[newandlost]

Thank you all for your responses. Sorry about the delay in responding - I've had to put in some late nights at work due to my severe unproductivity lately. =( It really gives me comfort to read your replies and know that you support me, and that I am at least not crazy to be suspicious.

Regarding the keylogging software, I agree that it's a great idea and I wish I'd thought of it sooner. Unfortunately, this has been going on for the past several months, whereby I've continued researching - and confronting him - on several occasions. So he knows now to never become "relaxed" at home again about this, if he is still doing it (and if he did it in the first place). Also, his work is a "safe haven" for him to do all this stuff - it's a tiny company owned by his best friend who is the president, he is the IT guy for the company and basically has free reign. I think the only reason that I was able to find those links at all is due to the fact that he worked from home so much during the December-February period. I have no access to any of his work stuff and he will not let me see it (I did ask). He also now keeps the laptop where I found the links at work, to avoid future "false accusations" as he puts it. So my window for installing keylogging software has passed, I'm afraid. I need to make a decision based on what I presently have to go on. =(

Wazza, I am genuinely interested in hearing what other reasons you think might exist for those links being there. My gut/heart, and my analytical mind, are having great difficulty accepting that they were accidents or spam when 1) the links were very specific, 2) several links were from the same site, 3) one link was to an inbox, 4) there were no other spam-type sites in the history when I checked, just the usual suspects of regular sites that he visits, 5) all the sites were of the same category (online dating), and 6) my gut feeling came first. I would love for this to all be a bad coincidence, which is why I would really like to hear what other reasons you think could exist for the links being there. Because right now my heart and mind are telling me that my husband has been lying all this time. =(