Ok I am settling down.
No this is not normal cuz when she came back to work thi out her focus should be on you and healing you for the pain she caused. In stead she has continued her affair knowing your life is hell.
Very selfish reasons has brought her back to you, or why else would she want your life to be hell? See, your wife is profecting her selfisness on you. Instead of calling you controlling or jealous she choose the word selfish...hence the projection by calling you selfish.
You can't control her but you can tell her that she can do what she wants with whom ever she wants, just like you have the choice to stay with her or not, and if she continues to stay in contact with her affair partner then it appears she has choosen him over your *feeling* and you will not heal, and for your own emotional health you will need to let her go.
Again protecting your feeling is not selfish it is the only way you can protect your self from this pain.
She has no right to call you selfish, just like you have no right to controll her, so let her go if she want to continue her affair. So it is her choice....does she want her marriage exclusivly with you and commit to no more contact with OM or still be in the OM life with out you?
You do understand that everytime she talks to the OM those old feeling will come back? You do understand that the influence the OM has on your wife will continue to effect the dynamics of your marriage?
In short her continued contact is unhealthy for you and it is unhealthy for the marriage.
