[Don'tknowwhattothink]

Some background. My wife had 2 EA's on me which I discovered back in May with 2 close mutual friends. We've been reconciling, but sometimes I just can't stand the betrayal and humiliation..

Anyway, as to our current sex life...We have sex 2-4 times a week, and she seems to be happy. She has 3-4 orgasms when we have intercourse, but she only likes the same 2 positions over 9 years of marriage. Every time we tries something else she seems unsatisfied and wants to go back to the same.

I'd like to go down on her, but she is very uncomfortable. 1 time during marriage she had an orgasm when I gave her oral sex and I really enjoyed doing it.

I'd like her to give me oral sex too...sometimes she'll do it, but will never let me finish.

Things aren't really that bad, we have semi-frequent sex, and we're both satisfied. I'd just like more variety, and she seems happy with the status quo.

How can I encourage her to be more interested in some variety? Part of the problem is that she often can't cum if we do something out of the ordinary. It seems like if she's capable of cumming 3-4x during sex she would be able to do the same thing in different positions and with oral sex, etc.

 

[Plan 9 from OS]

If she likes the same 2 positions but you want more variety, then the simplest solution is to use a few different positions during sex. I assume you have the staying power to switch it up since she has 3 - 4 orgasms when you two are doing it. I would recommend only using 1 of her favorite positions while you try a few things out for you. Talk to her about it. Oral sex may be more of a difficult thing to deal with. My wife is not into oral at all and will rarely give me oral - and even then it's only for a minute or 2 during foreplay. The funny thing is she would rather have anal sex than do oral. So everyone is different.

But dude, WHOA! Two EA's with close mutual friends? First, I hope these friends are forever gone from your life. Second, I wouldn't focus too much on improving the sex at all right now. I'd focus a lot more on your R - especially dealing with the boundary crossing issues and disrespect that your wife heaped on you. Having affairs with close friends of yours (or just yours and not the two of yours???) adds a layer of disrespect to the betrayal. Everything going OK? Do you have a thread in the CWI forum? Maybe you can get help there if you want it.

OK, just checked and saw a thread that was last updated back in July. I didn't read through it but at least you got some input from CWI already.

 

[Don'tknowwhattothink]

Yeah, I'm still really jacked up over the EA's. One was with a friend and another was with my BROTHER! It's a long story, but I feel like I can't really move on. We've been married since I was 19, and we have 4 kids together. She's very apologetic, and seems to be moving on.

I honestly feel bitter and like getting a divorce a lot of the time, but I just don't know wtf to do.

You're right that sex shouldn't be the main goal right now. I guess I'm just confused.

Sex is pretty good overall. I feel disrespected, and feel like she doesn't respect me at all, and this really bothers me a LOT. I don't know what to do about it.

 

[the guy]

This isn't about the sex, this is about her infidelity IMHO!

Thats the issue that needs to be addressed.

Can you please explain what you mean by "moving on"? Something tells me you guy are sweeping this issue under the rug, which we all know leads to a repeat of this infidelity behavior.

 

[Don'tknowwhattothink]

the guy,

Trying not to rugsweep, but I think I may be to some extent. WTH else am I supposed to do? Can't really get divorced at this point, but I'm fairly disappointed with our marriage at this point.

Want something more fulfilling out of marriage, but don't want to get divorced after 9 years of marriage and 4 kids with wife.

I'm not horribly happy about our sex life, or anything else for that matter. damnit

 

[the guy]

Respect is something you have to command, and with out consequences bad behavior continues, hence the continued disrespect you get.

Its not a matter of *feeling* disrespected, you *are being disrespected. Only you can deside what you will tolorate, and only you can balance out what the consequences are for her disrespect.

In my case me and Mrs. the-guy faced her infidelity head on and she faced her own issue by getting the individual counselling to learn the tools to affair proof her marriage...now thats moving on!

 

[the guy]

the guy,

Trying not to rugsweep, but I think I may be to some extent. WTH else am I supposed to do? Can't really get divorced at this point, but I'm fairly disappointed with our marriage at this point.

Want something more fulfilling out of marriage, but don't want to get divorced after 9 years of marriage and 4 kids with wife.

I'm not horribly happy about our sex life, or anything else for that matter. damnit

Hell, I didn't want to get divorced after 19 years of marrriage, but I was not going to let my cheat wife back in until she took the steps to affair proof her marriage.

Her counseling was a boundry that I needed, a wall that I had to put up to prevent a continued emotional torture I had suffered for years.

Sometime a guy can only take so much and life is to short to be a doormat!

 

[Don'tknowwhattothink]

I don't feel like she's actively disrespecting me now, but I have a really hard time moving on from her past behavior.

I am starting to feel unsatisfied in our relationship like I want something else. I feel like the sex sucks, and so does our relationship, but I don't want to end our marriage at this point.

EDIT:

A little more info. I make all of the money in our relationship. I'm doing very well for myself and am making a lot for my age (late 20s) or honestly compared to anyone. However, I feel like I'm fat and unattractive while my wife (even after 4 kids and being 5 years older than me) is hot.

I'm trying to lose weight. I have really low self-confidence about myself, but she seems to have a really good sex life (she orgasms a lot more than I do for example) and doesn't seem like she's missing anything in terms of sex life.

She saw enough reason to humiliate me by falling in love with a friend and my brother, never did anything sexual with either of them, or even told either of them how she felt in so many words. I feel inadequate, extremely disrespected, and at a loss for future actions.

I'm sure if I got in shape I could find another woman (I'm an attorney, doing well for myself financially in my 20s, and doing really well financially compared to most of my peers), but I also have low self-confidence, and don't really want to leave my wife with 4 kids and be on the hook for crazy child support payments.

 

[Plan 9 from OS]

OP, IMHO you should let this thread die, provide an update on your situation with the other thread in CWI and talk through some things. I think it will be much more valuable to you than trying to deal with the sex right now. I realize you're messed up right now, but dealing with sex right now is like getting new windows for a house sitting on a cracked foundation. Fix the foundation first, then worry about the windows.

 

[Don'tknowwhattothink]

OP, IMHO you should let this thread die, provide an update on your situation with the other thread in CWI and talk through some things. I think it will be much more valuable to you than trying to deal with the sex right now. I realize you're messed up right now, but dealing with sex right now is like getting new windows for a house sitting on a cracked foundation. Fix the foundation first, then worry about the windows.

You're probably right. I feel like the foundation's never gonna be fixed so I may as well have good windows while I'm at it...:rofl:

 

[kingsfan]

OP, my question is regarding your claim to have 'moved on' from the EA's. If I can ask, how do you move on from an EA that involved your wife and brother? Usually step one of moving on from an EA (or PA) is to get rid of the other person from your spouses life. How do you do that when it's your own brother?

It sounds like you'd be left with permanent trust issues over that, on both sides of you.

 

[Don'tknowwhattothink]

I didn't mean to say I've "moved on"...I certainly haven't. I've stopped fighting with her about it every day and grilling her for more details. I felt like I just couldn't handle the stress of fighting all the time.

I'm really pretty unhappy with my marriage, and I certainly have permanent trust issues. And yeah, this has ruined my relationship with my family. Even though my wife is more at fault than my brother, I feel ashamed to even talk to my family. Haven't even talked to any of my siblings in months because I'm so damn ashamed. I'm ashamed that this happened, and I'm kind of ashamed that I'm not divorcing my damn wife.

With all that said, my marriage sucks, and I don't see it improving much. I kinda wish I could at least have a fulfilling non-vanilla sex life since I'm not planning on cheating and not planning to divorce W. Nothing else will ever be the same, so I'd just as soon be sexually gratified.

 

[Maneo]

Don'tknowwhattothink, what I see from your posts is that you are quite conflicted and confused. In one post you indicate the sex is "pretty good overall" and in another post you indicate you feel "...like the sex sucks."
So which is it?
Also seems like you are not over the other relationships your wife had as you indicate you've stopped "...grilling her for details" but it seems that has stopped more from fatigue. When the situation is truly behind you, you quick asking for details.
As others have suggested, the core problems in your relationship are probably not sexual but lie elsewhere.
Your comments suggest you are conflicted about facing the task of trying to save the marriage or facing the task of divorce, particularly with small children involved.
Time for a marriage counselor or time for a lawyer?

 

[Waking up to life]

She saw enough reason to humiliate me by falling in love with a friend and my brother, never did anything sexual with either of them, or even told either of them how she felt in so many words.

So...she "fell in love" with these guys but never told them how she felt and never had any physical relationship with them. How did you find out? Did she come out and tell you she was "in love" with another man?

If you've grilled her for details in the past, use that info to try to understand what she was missing from her emotional relationship with you that she felt she was getting from them. She should do the same. You two desperately need counseling. Even if you ultimately divorce, it sounds like you have major self-esteem issues which will not magically resolve themselves on their own and will continue to plague you down the road.

If you know positively that your trust in her has been permanently damaged, the only right thing to do is to divorce her. Otherwise, you are sentencing yourself, your wife, and your kids to a lifetime of resentment, poor communication, and malcontent.