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Is she cheating?

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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hey everyone, my wife (married about a year and a half) has been acting weird, or at least I think she has. I am self employed and therefore have to work 14+ hours a day almost always 7 days a week. I see it as that I’m trying very hard to build the business as much as possible before kids so I can hopefully be around more. She says I have not been paying attention to her but by the time I get home I feel all I have the energy for is a shower and sleep. We pretty much have a non existent sex life (maybe once every 4-6 weeks) since about 6 months before her dad died from cancer a little over a year ago. Here’s where I start getting in my head. I absolutely understand that grief can reduce sex drive but in the last few months the only times we’ve had sex has been in the middle of the night and the first time that happened the next day she said “I don’t even know if I knew it was you” later saying she was joking but…?? Skip to the last month or so I noticed she has been talking to her “best guy friend” a lot again like all hours of the day and she’s constantly grinning and laughing. By itself, fine glad you have a friend but she’s changed her phone password, does laundry literally every day as soon as she gets home and now I’ve just noticed a black lace pair of underwear wrapped up in a little cloth bag in her purse. She doesn’t wear lace underwear. Ever. I’ve also noticed like a dozen other new pairs of underwear lately but I never see her wearing them. Am I crazy or is she acting weird?
 

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ALWAYS trust your gut. It may not always be right, but it’s always right until proven otherwise.

I think you already know you’re not crazy. You have massive red flags, smoke and some burning embers at the very least.

Start investigating now. Quietly, don’t confront yet, don’t accuse.
Just investigate, check her phone, most anything you need to know will likely be in there. (and if you don’t have access, that’s a whole other problem).

It doesn’t sound like you’re leading your marriage at all, which is a huge problem and will always lead to issues.

Why have you accepted a sexless marriage?
That’s not leading your marriage dynamic, it’s passively ignoring it and allowing your wife to control it.
Which so far seems to be working out somewhere between badly and catastrophically, depending on what you discover.
 

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He used to be a state police officer until he got fired for not getting vaccinated. She says he lives in a camper van and has been traveling the country but i don’t know I’ve never met him.
She has a “best guy friend“ who you’ve never met?
When he’s not traveling the country in his camper, does he live near you? Has he been in your area to visit?
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
She has a “best guy friend“ who you’ve never met?
When he’s not traveling the country in his camper, does he live near you? Has he been in your area to visit?
Not that I know of, she says she worked with him in college all I pictured when she said he lives in a camper van was Chris Farley. I mean I’m gonna monitor a bit longer before I think about confronting but it’s for sure a sucky feeling to even think that she might be unfaithful while I’m trying to expand the business that I inherited when her dad passed, and blame me for not being around or attentive. She has said herself many times that her dad was so busy being self employed. All I can say is if she is it sucks but says a lot about her, going behind my back while saying the reason for no sex is she’s sad cuz her dad died and also being upset that I’m not around much trying to make his legacy a success.
 

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Not that I know of, she says she worked with him in college all I pictured when she said he lives in a camper van was Chris Farley. I mean I’m gonna monitor a bit longer before I think about confronting but it’s for sure a sucky feeling to even think that she might be unfaithful while I’m trying to expand the business that I inherited when her dad passed, and blame me for not being around or attentive. She has said herself many times that her dad was so busy being self employed. All I can say is if she is it sucks but says a lot about her, going behind my back while saying the reason for no sex is she’s sad cuz her dad died and also being upset that I’m not around much trying to make his legacy a success.
So do you have access to her phone? Texts, Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook messenger, WhatsApp, Google voice, etc. you need to see what’s going on. Also check the phone bill.

Have you already checked all this, and if not, why, and when are you going to?
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
So do you have access to her phone? Texts, Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook messenger, WhatsApp, Google voice, etc. you need to see what’s going on. Also check the phone bill.

Have you already checked all this, and if not, why, and when are you going to?
She changed her passcode and I haven’t been able to figure it out
 

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She changed her passcode and I haven’t been able to figure it out
Oh for ****s sake dude, why don’t you have access to her phone? Why don’t you have her pass code? Why don’t you have any power in your marriage whatsoever?
You don’t need to figure out her ****ing password dude you need to ask her what it is, and she should tell you.

so you’ve allowed a sexless marriage. Your wife has “best guy friends“ who she apparently spends a ton of time with, at least online/phone. You don’t have access to her phone and apparently can’t or won’t just ask her for the passcode.
It seems like you have no boundaries or power in your marriage at all.
Why?
 

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Hey everyone, my wife (married about a year and a half) has been acting weird, or at least I think she has. I am self employed and therefore have to work 14+ hours a day almost always 7 days a week. I see it as that I’m trying very hard to build the business as much as possible before kids so I can hopefully be around more. She says I have not been paying attention to her but by the time I get home I feel all I have the energy for is a shower and sleep. We pretty much have a non existent sex life (maybe once every 4-6 weeks) since about 6 months before her dad died from cancer a little over a year ago. Here’s where I start getting in my head. I absolutely understand that grief can reduce sex drive but in the last few months the only times we’ve had sex has been in the middle of the night and the first time that happened the next day she said “I don’t even know if I knew it was you” later saying she was joking but…?? Skip to the last month or so I noticed she has been talking to her “best guy friend” a lot again like all hours of the day and she’s constantly grinning and laughing. By itself, fine glad you have a friend but she’s changed her phone password, does laundry literally every day as soon as she gets home and now I’ve just noticed a black lace pair of underwear wrapped up in a little cloth bag in her purse. She doesn’t wear lace underwear. Ever. I’ve also noticed like a dozen other new pairs of underwear lately but I never see her wearing them. Am I crazy or is she acting weird?
You has a very serious problem with your marriage. You need to address it as opposed to hoping it will fix itself.

Apologize to your wife for working too much and neglecting her. Tell her that you have concerns about your marriage and want to build a stronger relationship.

In the mean time, wear condoms on those rare occasions when you do have sex with her and make it impossible that you will impregnate her. If this is headed the direction it looks like it is going, having children with her will just complicate things.

Good luck, you know what is going on so deal with it.
 

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ALWAYS trust your gut. It may not always be right, but it’s always right until proven otherwise.

I think you already know you’re not crazy. You have massive red flags, smoke and some burning embers at the very least.

Start investigating now. Quietly, don’t confront yet, don’t accuse.
Just investigate, check her phone, most anything you need to know will likely be in there. (and if you don’t have access, that’s a whole other problem).

It doesn’t sound like you’re leading your marriage at all, which is a huge problem and will always lead to issues.

Why have you accepted a sexless marriage?
That’s not leading your marriage dynamic, it’s passively ignoring it and allowing your wife to control it.
Which so far seems to be working out somewhere between badly and catastrophically, depending on what you discover.
His wife controls it? From how I read this he's the one not doing her. He's working 14 hours a day 7 days a week, then goes straight to bed.

His wife is basically single.

Yet somehow he's the victim?

He can dump her if she's screwing another guy but his current lifestyle is not compatible with a marriage.
 

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You need to understand that once you confront, she will deny it, and she’ll take the A further underground… while she doesn’t know you are suspecting her, gather the evidence.

Like another poster said, pour a Voice Activated Recorder in her car. Put a GPS in her car. Check bank account, credit card statements and phone bills.
When you decide to confront her, demand access to her phone on the spot. Not after she goes on the bathroom to do something. Her phone is not "private", its marital property. It belongs to you as well. When in her phone, be in the lookout for female entries like "Mary". But I suspect your wife doesn’t make a lot of effortd to hide her affair.

Hire a PI if you can, he’ll follow your wife and tell you rather quickly what’s happening (if you can)

She’s a married woman who dates another man in plain sight and her excuse is that you don’t pay attention to her.
 

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If you’re working 14+ hours per day on average, when is there time to just chill and lead into sex? I admire your financial strategy but not at the peril of your relationship.

That said, your wife shouldn’t be chatting up another guy to make up for what she’s not getting with you. Maybe cut back your hours for a month and see if being around changes things or makes her anxious and question why you’re around so much. Her reaction may tell you all you need to know about what she does in your absence.

I’m not sure why people have emotional and/or physical affairs to fill a void in their marriage. It usually never ends well. Not saying she’s doing that, but affairs don’t happen over night. They start out just like this - chatting with “just a friend.” So, my advice - cut back your hours and see what happens. Not saying at all that your work schedule caused her to start chatting to another guy, it’s more that you need to see what happens if you do cut your hours back, if anything improves or gets worse.

If things get worse, if she’s put off or annoyed that suddenly you’re around more, then that would tell me you’re coming in between her and whatever else she is doing when you’re not around.
 

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Working 14 hours per day 7 days per week tells your wife you don't love her or care about her. I understand that is not what you are doing. You think you are planning for the future & establishing your business but she sees it as she comes after work, your customers, sleep & everything else in your life.

You may have already lost her to this guy. Your absence doesn't justify cheating but it does explain it. From her perspective you put work ahead of her & the marriage. When her father died she was casting about for comfort. You were MIA. He was there.

You need to learn to work smarter & more efficiently & fast. Start with little things for her while you are learning to delegate. Leave her handwritten notes around the house, in her car etc. telling her you love her. Send her a sweet text at least once per day while you are at work. Cut back your hours at least one day per week so you can have date night, even if that is at home If you don't start treating her better & more attentively then your best customer you will never be able to fix this.

Meanwhile seek help from your local SBDC -- it's a FREE government resource for small businesses. You need a better plan to run your business so it's stops ruining your marriage. Even if you divorce, you will still need to find time in your day to meet with the lawyers & then to date again
 

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You don't have enough yet. You need to gather more evidence, but it's not looking good right now. You said she does laundry as soon as she comes home.....I take it she works too?

I will say you can't work 14 hours a day, crawl into bed with no marital interaction day in and day out and expect the marriage to survive.

Life is more than work.
 
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