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Hey everyone, I’m going crazy and need your opinions about whether I’m paranoid and imagining things, or if I really have a reason to be concerned and upset.
Here’s my story. Sorry I know it’s long.…
About a month ago I noticed something was off with my wife so I asked her if something was wrong. She ended up telling me that she wasn’t very happy and that she felt like the spark was missing between us. We’d been happily married (I thought) for 16 years and the dynamic of our relationship hadn’t changed at all recently. She asked me to give her some space and time to figure things out and wanted me to be patient with her.
Something about the whole situation just didn’t feel right to me. I had a pit in my stomach that told me there was some outside influence involved and it just wouldn’t go away, so even though I didn’t feel good about it I started to do some snooping.
I looked at her cell phone records and found out that she was texting and calling a male friend of hers (We’ll call him John) quite often over the past two months. There were roughly 300 text messages exchanged between them over a 30 day period and only 100 to me during that same time. There was only about an hour of phone calls during that time, but he works at the health club where she works out 5 days a week so I know she sees him in person regularly.
Well one night she and some girlfriends went to a Halloween costume party at the health club (I wasn’t invited because she said none of the other husbands wanted to go. At least they got asked) and the next day I noticed that she had traded several text messages with John that night and had a 25 minute conversation with him ending around 1 A.M. which was around the time she arrived home. This had my radar going off so when I saw an opening the next morning I took a look at her phone. All of the texts to/from John had been deleted, but everything was still there for all her other contacts. I looked at a conversation she had with her best girlfriend that went something like this.
GF: “Hey what happened to you? I turned around and you were gone”
W: “It was getting silly and just had to get out of there. No funny business w/bb”
Now this confused me because John’s initials are not BB and now I’m wondering who the heck BB is.
Fast forward a couple of days… My family was visiting from out of town and got tickets to go to a college football game so I went with them and two of my sons. My wife and other son went over to our friend’s house to watch the game and hang out. Later that night my friend calls me and tells me he’s worried about my wife driving and that I should come and pick her up. When I get there it’s just my friend, John, and the kids that are left at the party. My friend is very drunk, but my wife honestly seems to be fine. We chat for a while and then finally get out the door to head home. After a brief conversation my wife insists that she is fine to drive and that she doesn’t want to leave her car there and have to come back for it the next day. I agree and load my son into my car and start heading for home. I was going to follow her but she was just sitting in her car with the lights on and not moving for while so I finally decide to just go on ahead. As I pass her I notice in the rear view that she has a headlight out. I put the car in reverse and back up next to her and get her to roll the window down. When I ask what she’s doing she says “nothing, I was just getting a piece of candy from the glove box”. I told her that her headlight was out and that it’s best if she just come home with me and not chance anything. She proceeds to get really defensive and almost refuses to believe me about the headlight until I get out and physically show her. After we got home she barely spoke to me and went to bed without saying a word.
Well I looked at the phone records the next day and what do you know. At the exact time she was sitting in the car there was a text to John. When I looked at her phone later that morning that text and his reply had already been deleted.
A couple of days later I was looking at her messages again and she had sent the following to her best friend
W: “Missed you today! And no BB either! Call me later”
That was it. I confronted her about it later that night. I told her what I had done and that I wanted to know who BB was. She told me that BB was short for “Back Burner” and that it was a nickname her friends had given to John. She said it was because they thought that John had a thing for her and it was just something they like to tease her with. She said that there is nothing going on and that he is just a friend. She then blew up at me for invading her privacy and not trusting her. She said that she was incredibly hurt and pissed off that I would do such a thing. Somehow I ended up feeling like the bad guy and apologizing for snooping on her. I never even got to ask her about the night of the football game or why she immediately deletes all the texts to/from him.
It’s now been about a week since the confrontation and things have actually been good. It feels like we are back to our old selves, but I still have those lingering questions tugging at me and the pit in my stomach is still there on most days. I just can’t seem to get these questions out of my head.
What do they talk about in all of these conversations?
Why did she lie to me about the text message in her car that night after the party?
Why did she so diligently delete all the messages to/from him while and not do the same for others?
These questions are driving me nuts, but honestly I’m afraid to bring it up because I know it will just cause more conflict between us when we seem to have turned a corner. Am I just a giant wimp and putting off the inevitable?
Thanks in advance for any and all insights and advice.
Here’s my story. Sorry I know it’s long.…
About a month ago I noticed something was off with my wife so I asked her if something was wrong. She ended up telling me that she wasn’t very happy and that she felt like the spark was missing between us. We’d been happily married (I thought) for 16 years and the dynamic of our relationship hadn’t changed at all recently. She asked me to give her some space and time to figure things out and wanted me to be patient with her.
Something about the whole situation just didn’t feel right to me. I had a pit in my stomach that told me there was some outside influence involved and it just wouldn’t go away, so even though I didn’t feel good about it I started to do some snooping.
I looked at her cell phone records and found out that she was texting and calling a male friend of hers (We’ll call him John) quite often over the past two months. There were roughly 300 text messages exchanged between them over a 30 day period and only 100 to me during that same time. There was only about an hour of phone calls during that time, but he works at the health club where she works out 5 days a week so I know she sees him in person regularly.
Well one night she and some girlfriends went to a Halloween costume party at the health club (I wasn’t invited because she said none of the other husbands wanted to go. At least they got asked) and the next day I noticed that she had traded several text messages with John that night and had a 25 minute conversation with him ending around 1 A.M. which was around the time she arrived home. This had my radar going off so when I saw an opening the next morning I took a look at her phone. All of the texts to/from John had been deleted, but everything was still there for all her other contacts. I looked at a conversation she had with her best girlfriend that went something like this.
GF: “Hey what happened to you? I turned around and you were gone”
W: “It was getting silly and just had to get out of there. No funny business w/bb”
Now this confused me because John’s initials are not BB and now I’m wondering who the heck BB is.
Fast forward a couple of days… My family was visiting from out of town and got tickets to go to a college football game so I went with them and two of my sons. My wife and other son went over to our friend’s house to watch the game and hang out. Later that night my friend calls me and tells me he’s worried about my wife driving and that I should come and pick her up. When I get there it’s just my friend, John, and the kids that are left at the party. My friend is very drunk, but my wife honestly seems to be fine. We chat for a while and then finally get out the door to head home. After a brief conversation my wife insists that she is fine to drive and that she doesn’t want to leave her car there and have to come back for it the next day. I agree and load my son into my car and start heading for home. I was going to follow her but she was just sitting in her car with the lights on and not moving for while so I finally decide to just go on ahead. As I pass her I notice in the rear view that she has a headlight out. I put the car in reverse and back up next to her and get her to roll the window down. When I ask what she’s doing she says “nothing, I was just getting a piece of candy from the glove box”. I told her that her headlight was out and that it’s best if she just come home with me and not chance anything. She proceeds to get really defensive and almost refuses to believe me about the headlight until I get out and physically show her. After we got home she barely spoke to me and went to bed without saying a word.
Well I looked at the phone records the next day and what do you know. At the exact time she was sitting in the car there was a text to John. When I looked at her phone later that morning that text and his reply had already been deleted.
A couple of days later I was looking at her messages again and she had sent the following to her best friend
W: “Missed you today! And no BB either! Call me later”
That was it. I confronted her about it later that night. I told her what I had done and that I wanted to know who BB was. She told me that BB was short for “Back Burner” and that it was a nickname her friends had given to John. She said it was because they thought that John had a thing for her and it was just something they like to tease her with. She said that there is nothing going on and that he is just a friend. She then blew up at me for invading her privacy and not trusting her. She said that she was incredibly hurt and pissed off that I would do such a thing. Somehow I ended up feeling like the bad guy and apologizing for snooping on her. I never even got to ask her about the night of the football game or why she immediately deletes all the texts to/from him.
It’s now been about a week since the confrontation and things have actually been good. It feels like we are back to our old selves, but I still have those lingering questions tugging at me and the pit in my stomach is still there on most days. I just can’t seem to get these questions out of my head.
What do they talk about in all of these conversations?
Why did she lie to me about the text message in her car that night after the party?
Why did she so diligently delete all the messages to/from him while and not do the same for others?
These questions are driving me nuts, but honestly I’m afraid to bring it up because I know it will just cause more conflict between us when we seem to have turned a corner. Am I just a giant wimp and putting off the inevitable?
Thanks in advance for any and all insights and advice.
