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Hey everyone, I’m going crazy and need your opinions about whether I’m paranoid and imagining things, or if I really have a reason to be concerned and upset.

Here’s my story. Sorry I know it’s long.…

About a month ago I noticed something was off with my wife so I asked her if something was wrong. She ended up telling me that she wasn’t very happy and that she felt like the spark was missing between us. We’d been happily married (I thought) for 16 years and the dynamic of our relationship hadn’t changed at all recently. She asked me to give her some space and time to figure things out and wanted me to be patient with her.
Something about the whole situation just didn’t feel right to me. I had a pit in my stomach that told me there was some outside influence involved and it just wouldn’t go away, so even though I didn’t feel good about it I started to do some snooping.

I looked at her cell phone records and found out that she was texting and calling a male friend of hers (We’ll call him John) quite often over the past two months. There were roughly 300 text messages exchanged between them over a 30 day period and only 100 to me during that same time. There was only about an hour of phone calls during that time, but he works at the health club where she works out 5 days a week so I know she sees him in person regularly.

Well one night she and some girlfriends went to a Halloween costume party at the health club (I wasn’t invited because she said none of the other husbands wanted to go. At least they got asked) and the next day I noticed that she had traded several text messages with John that night and had a 25 minute conversation with him ending around 1 A.M. which was around the time she arrived home. This had my radar going off so when I saw an opening the next morning I took a look at her phone. All of the texts to/from John had been deleted, but everything was still there for all her other contacts. I looked at a conversation she had with her best girlfriend that went something like this.

GF: “Hey what happened to you? I turned around and you were gone”
W: “It was getting silly and just had to get out of there. No funny business w/bb”

Now this confused me because John’s initials are not BB and now I’m wondering who the heck BB is.

Fast forward a couple of days… My family was visiting from out of town and got tickets to go to a college football game so I went with them and two of my sons. My wife and other son went over to our friend’s house to watch the game and hang out. Later that night my friend calls me and tells me he’s worried about my wife driving and that I should come and pick her up. When I get there it’s just my friend, John, and the kids that are left at the party. My friend is very drunk, but my wife honestly seems to be fine. We chat for a while and then finally get out the door to head home. After a brief conversation my wife insists that she is fine to drive and that she doesn’t want to leave her car there and have to come back for it the next day. I agree and load my son into my car and start heading for home. I was going to follow her but she was just sitting in her car with the lights on and not moving for while so I finally decide to just go on ahead. As I pass her I notice in the rear view that she has a headlight out. I put the car in reverse and back up next to her and get her to roll the window down. When I ask what she’s doing she says “nothing, I was just getting a piece of candy from the glove box”. I told her that her headlight was out and that it’s best if she just come home with me and not chance anything. She proceeds to get really defensive and almost refuses to believe me about the headlight until I get out and physically show her. After we got home she barely spoke to me and went to bed without saying a word.
Well I looked at the phone records the next day and what do you know. At the exact time she was sitting in the car there was a text to John. When I looked at her phone later that morning that text and his reply had already been deleted.

A couple of days later I was looking at her messages again and she had sent the following to her best friend

W: “Missed you today! And no BB either! Call me later”

That was it. I confronted her about it later that night. I told her what I had done and that I wanted to know who BB was. She told me that BB was short for “Back Burner” and that it was a nickname her friends had given to John. She said it was because they thought that John had a thing for her and it was just something they like to tease her with. She said that there is nothing going on and that he is just a friend. She then blew up at me for invading her privacy and not trusting her. She said that she was incredibly hurt and pissed off that I would do such a thing. Somehow I ended up feeling like the bad guy and apologizing for snooping on her. I never even got to ask her about the night of the football game or why she immediately deletes all the texts to/from him.

It’s now been about a week since the confrontation and things have actually been good. It feels like we are back to our old selves, but I still have those lingering questions tugging at me and the pit in my stomach is still there on most days. I just can’t seem to get these questions out of my head.

What do they talk about in all of these conversations?
Why did she lie to me about the text message in her car that night after the party?
Why did she so diligently delete all the messages to/from him while and not do the same for others?

These questions are driving me nuts, but honestly I’m afraid to bring it up because I know it will just cause more conflict between us when we seem to have turned a corner. Am I just a giant wimp and putting off the inevitable?

Thanks in advance for any and all insights and advice.
 

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And i suppose she still sees john at the gym?

WAKE UP!

Tell her you are concerned about her idea of marriage. ASK tough questions. Accept no blame for trying to protect your family.

She needs to drop her gym membership AND her accomplices - the ones she calls 'friends'.

They are no friends to your family.
 

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Well you know going to that health club is going to end. She has to go nc period. No deleting texts. Take half the money out if you have a joint bank acct. and set one in your name.The toxic friends have to go and expose to friends and family. Tell it's either me or him.
 

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OK, you confronted too soon, but that's OK. What you need to do now is go stealth and gather evidence. There's an evidence gathering thread in CWI somewhere I'll try to link for you - you may be able to recover her deleted texts and/or put some kind of keylogger on her phone. I would also suggest a VAR in her car. Also investigate her computer - a keylogger on it is a good idea.

Gather the evidence, keep posting on here, and DO NOT confront her again till you have incontrovertible PROOF of what she's up to. Read the newbie link in my sig and whatever else you can find in CWI and harden your heart. you need to take a stand if you have any hope of reconciling with her. She is going to DENY DENY DENY - there's a script that all cheaters follow and so far yours is bang on.
 

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Here are the answers you seek:

What do they talk about in all of these conversations?

Probably her marriage, kids, sex and next meeting up locations. Even just Hi and I miss you.

Why did she lie to me about the text message in her car that night after the party?

She is hiding him because she feels guilty. That means she knows that she is doing something wrong.

Why did she so diligently delete all the messages to/from him while and not do the same for others?

She is hiding him because she feels guilty. That means she knows that she is doing something wrong.

These questions are driving me nuts, but honestly I’m afraid to bring it up because I know it will just cause more conflict between us when we seem to have turned a corner. Am I just a giant wimp and putting off the inevitable?

Sorry but yes. I would have told her to knock the behavior off a long time ago. You need to start digging for more information. Go through her facebook, emails and phone. If there in no information there then have her followed. Once you have your information....strike. You then get to wait for her to decide if she is going to come clean. And I am sorry but any wife that knows a relationship makes her man uncomfortable (ecspecially of the oppisite sex) should get rid of the other person without a second thought.

You might also want to call John and start asking why he feels it is okay to chat up a married woman.


Thanks in advance for any and all insights and advice.
 

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You should go to the health club and have a friendly conversation with this John character and ask him if he likes his job.:mad:
 

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You should go to the health club and have a friendly conversation with this John character and ask him if he likes his job.:mad:
If he does that he tips his hand and the wife will just go even farther underground. I think he should act like everything is fine and just gather evidence for now.

Do you know if John is married?
 

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Oh, by the way another clue that this is bad is the fact that her friends call him "Back Burner". That is the same as calling him a boyfriend. They have more insight then you do right now and they know that she is romantically attracked to "John".
 

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If he does that he tips his hand and the wife will just go even farther underground. I think he should act like everything is fine and just gather evidence for now.

Do you know if John is married?
Good point but he already has the amount of texts the only other option is for someone to follow her for 2 to 3 days (pi) and see what happens but he has to nip this soon imo.
 

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Good point but he already has the amount of texts the only other option is for someone to follow her for 2 to 3 days (pi) and see what happens but he has to nip this soon imo.
He doesn't know if it's EA or PA or both or if there's more than the one guy. He needs more info, especially if he wants to try R. He needs to know what he is contemplating forgiving her for. And what he's demanding that she stop doing, when he does. So he can check up and make sure she's following through.
 

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Sir, I have been here for a long time and have read this same story time and again.

need space = need time with other man to see if he's worth leaving you for.

Just friends = I'm having an affair.


I can also tell you that this is an addiction for your wife and plus the fact that John see's your wife everyday at the health center there little affair has cooled off until your wife gets you off the cent.

Things are good now, the texting is cooled off......give it some time and when it starts up again, keep your cool, investigate, gather proof, then this time have an effective confrontation with un deniable proof.

It sucks man but you are just going to have to wait, cuz as of now the only thing you got is just friend bull crap. Playing hard ball won't work.

But when you do get the smoking gun and have a copy then you can expose and confront and hopefully your wife will take the steps to save her marriage and learn how to affair proof it.


Right now you could ask her quit the health club, but with out proof she will rewrite history and make you out to be the controlling bad guy just like she did before.

But with solid proof she loose the leg that she is currently standing on.

Make sence?
 

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Realy simple her.......spouse don't hide/delete crap if they have nothing to hide.

I suggest you act normal, lead her on that all is good again and wait!

Even though texting is her MO....You must get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and plant it in her car...don't forget the velcro tape.
 

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What phone does she have ? You can recover deleted texts easily on most phones today.

She will take this affair underground. You are being blindsided. Your gut is most likely right. You need to go even more undercover than her ad next time do not confront her before you have enough evidence.

Keylog the home computer. You can also VAR her car if you want to.

Don't let your spouse find out that you post here

Oh...bb stands for "babe" in short
 

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Hey everyone, I’m going crazy and need your opinions about whether I’m paranoid and imagining things, or if I really have a reason to be concerned and upset.

Here’s my story. Sorry I know it’s long.…

About a month ago I noticed something was off with my wife so I asked her if something was wrong. She ended up telling me that she wasn’t very happy and that she felt like the spark was missing between us. We’d been happily married (I thought) for 16 years and the dynamic of our relationship hadn’t changed at all recently. She asked me to give her some space and time to figure things out and wanted me to be patient with her.
Something about the whole situation just didn’t feel right to me. I had a pit in my stomach that told me there was some outside influence involved and it just wouldn’t go away, so even though I didn’t feel good about it I started to do some snooping.

I looked at her cell phone records and found out that she was texting and calling a male friend of hers (We’ll call him John) quite often over the past two months. There were roughly 300 text messages exchanged between them over a 30 day period and only 100 to me during that same time. There was only about an hour of phone calls during that time, but he works at the health club where she works out 5 days a week so I know she sees him in person regularly.

Well one night she and some girlfriends went to a Halloween costume party at the health club (I wasn’t invited because she said none of the other husbands wanted to go. At least they got asked) and the next day I noticed that she had traded several text messages with John that night and had a 25 minute conversation with him ending around 1 A.M. which was around the time she arrived home. This had my radar going off so when I saw an opening the next morning I took a look at her phone. All of the texts to/from John had been deleted, but everything was still there for all her other contacts. I looked at a conversation she had with her best girlfriend that went something like this.

GF: “Hey what happened to you? I turned around and you were gone”
W: “It was getting silly and just had to get out of there. No funny business w/bb”

Now this confused me because John’s initials are not BB and now I’m wondering who the heck BB is.

Fast forward a couple of days… My family was visiting from out of town and got tickets to go to a college football game so I went with them and two of my sons. My wife and other son went over to our friend’s house to watch the game and hang out. Later that night my friend calls me and tells me he’s worried about my wife driving and that I should come and pick her up. When I get there it’s just my friend, John, and the kids that are left at the party. My friend is very drunk, but my wife honestly seems to be fine. We chat for a while and then finally get out the door to head home. After a brief conversation my wife insists that she is fine to drive and that she doesn’t want to leave her car there and have to come back for it the next day. I agree and load my son into my car and start heading for home. I was going to follow her but she was just sitting in her car with the lights on and not moving for while so I finally decide to just go on ahead. As I pass her I notice in the rear view that she has a headlight out. I put the car in reverse and back up next to her and get her to roll the window down. When I ask what she’s doing she says “nothing, I was just getting a piece of candy from the glove box”. I told her that her headlight was out and that it’s best if she just come home with me and not chance anything. She proceeds to get really defensive and almost refuses to believe me about the headlight until I get out and physically show her. After we got home she barely spoke to me and went to bed without saying a word.
Well I looked at the phone records the next day and what do you know. At the exact time she was sitting in the car there was a text to John. When I looked at her phone later that morning that text and his reply had already been deleted.

A couple of days later I was looking at her messages again and she had sent the following to her best friend

W: “Missed you today! And no BB either! Call me later”

That was it. I confronted her about it later that night. I told her what I had done and that I wanted to know who BB was. She told me that BB was short for “Back Burner” and that it was a nickname her friends had given to John. She said it was because they thought that John had a thing for her and it was just something they like to tease her with. She said that there is nothing going on and that he is just a friend. She then blew up at me for invading her privacy and not trusting her. She said that she was incredibly hurt and pissed off that I would do such a thing. Somehow I ended up feeling like the bad guy and apologizing for snooping on her. I never even got to ask her about the night of the football game or why she immediately deletes all the texts to/from him.

It’s now been about a week since the confrontation and things have actually been good. It feels like we are back to our old selves, but I still have those lingering questions tugging at me and the pit in my stomach is still there on most days. I just can’t seem to get these questions out of my head.

What do they talk about in all of these conversations?
Why did she lie to me about the text message in her car that night after the party?
Why did she so diligently delete all the messages to/from him while and not do the same for others?

These questions are driving me nuts, but honestly I’m afraid to bring it up because I know it will just cause more conflict between us when we seem to have turned a corner. Am I just a giant wimp and putting off the inevitable?

Thanks in advance for any and all insights and advice.
You say things have gotten better in the last week. Do you think she might just be doing a better job at "faking" it?? I assume you havent checked her phone records since you felt guilty about it, since you confronted her? If you havent, you should. And dont forget that there are other apps that you can put on your phone to text with that it doesnt show on your phone bill.

I think I'd start going to the gym....you dont have to say anything or do anything, just let your presence be known!!
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Thanks for all the comments and advice.

I definitely don't think this is a PA. John is not a stranger to me, he is someone we've known for years but nothing more than an acquaintance to me. He is however very good friends with on of my buddy's (the one whose house my wife was at for the football game). I know him to be a very moral and religious man so I would be very surprised if this is something physical.

If my wife has gone underground she will go way underground. I have a computer engineering degree and work as an IT director so she knows she would never be able to hide anything from me on our computers. She's a smart cookie (one of the many things I love about her) and if she is actively trying to hide something from me it will take some serious detective work on my part to catch it.

I hear what you all are saying, but I have some serious reservations about continued snooping. What if this really is nothing? If I continue to snoop and get caught then I may do irreparable damage to the relationship. I don't want to put my marriage at risk if there is a possibility that this is just my own paranoid delusions.

Why shouldn't I just sit down with her now and ask her the questions I should have the first time around? Shouldn't I at least give her an opportunity to explain and gauge her reaction?
 

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Oh, by the way another clue that this is bad is the fact that her friends call him "Back Burner". That is the same as calling him a boyfriend. They have more insight then you do right now and they know that she is romantically attracked to "John".
That's the one that really killed me. Even if this was something her friends started why would she condone it and actively use it?
 

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If he does that he tips his hand and the wife will just go even farther underground. I think he should act like everything is fine and just gather evidence for now.

Do you know if John is married?
He is not married. He's been divorced for many years and dates quite a bit, but never anything very serious or long term. My wife is 41 I'm 36 and he is probably around 45.
 

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"Why shouldn't I just sit down with her now and ask her the questions I should have the first time around? Shouldn't I at least give her an opportunity to explain and gauge her reaction? "

NO! Don't give her a chance to 'explain' anything.

PLEASE do some more reading. Unless you have proof, cheaters LIE. They lie and lie and lie, and they blameshift and make you think YOU are the one doing something wrong (like snooping!)

Religious people cheat ALL THE TIME. That has no bearing on what he's capable of.

Is he married?

You're an IT guy - there's no way you should get caught, am I right?? The VAR in the car is a must - she's talking to him on her phone in there, that may be all you need to hear.

What do you want? R or D?
 
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