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Am I bisexual? Does my spouse suspect it?

3369 Views 8 Replies 8 Participants Last post by  Coffee Amore
For the last 10 years or so, I have gone back and forth on whether or not I could be "bisexual" or curious about sexual acts with guys. I have often fantasized about going down on a guy, and look at porn that includes those types of sex acts as well. I have never had an actual experience with a man, but am extremely curious about the act of giving oral sex. However, I am married to an amazing woman, who grew up conservatively and isnt as open minded as I would like. Shes not homophobic, but doesnt have much exposure to these types of things. Recently, my urges to experiment have gotten intense, and frequent. I find myself talking to quite a few female friends, and even family members about my situation in regard to my sexual orientation. I really want to tell my wife, but I am scared beyond belief that she will not understand, and freak out on me. To be quite honest, the fact that I have never had an actual experience sexually may not mean I am bisexual, but I do know that the urge to give oral sex is intense. It seems as though I can talk to everyone but her abotu this, and it has recently came back to bite me, as a couple of her siblings had people tell them I was questioning them in regard to how i came off sexual orientation wise. How do I tell my wife i have fantasies about men? Is there a way to somehow "gauge" her reaction, to see how she might react..or if she currently suspects anything? it should also be noted that I get teased all the time, and have been teased all my life because people think i am gay, or have those tendencies. The following incident happened over a year ago. so i look at the craigslist casual encounters section..alot. never respond to any ads or anything..but i like looking at the couples looking for men section.i search bi couples alot. anyways, about 8 months ago..i left it up on the browser. she saw it. asked me about it that night, and was like why were you on that site? i freaked out immediately and told her it was a pop up, and that i didnt go there on purpose. shes like bull, i clicked back..and saw the pages you looked at. she then asked if i was curious about what type of people posted on there, thats what i told her i mean. she then flat out arent gay are you? i say no immediately and shes like, then its not a huge deal, just dont lie to me about it.[br>[br>Ultimately, what I would like out of this entire situation is acceptance. My end goal is her accepting this part of me. I have really hated myself for the last how many years because of these urges. I look at a man, and immediately think of how nice his penis might look , or taste..or feel inside of me. Up until lately, the urges were just for the penis..but now..they are towards a certain guy. They have grown in a sense. I get very nervous and anxious around him, not to mention very aroused. Problem is, he is the husband of my wifes best friend. The other reason I want to know what she thinks is because every now and then, she will make little jokes, or comments that indicate to me she suspects something at the very least. She will randomly ask me if I am gay, and play it off as a joke..then when I ask her if she thinks I am, she says Cant you take a joke, I am just giving you a hard time.

I honestly wish i knew exactly what my wife suspected/thought already..that way I think I could approach it better with her. If she does suspect something, then she is really good at hiding it because the times shes made jokes, i will ask her if she thinks i like men or something and immediately she says no.[br>[br>Another issue i am facing is i have talked to quite a few people. Her couple good friends know, which got to her sisters. The sisters said they wouldnt say anything and didnt want to get involved..but part of me wonders if someone will before i get a chance to talk to her. [br>[br>Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get more of an accurate read on her suspicions before I fully tell her?

We have kind of talked about it, my wife and i. But it was over electronic means of communication
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Do you feel an attraction to women at all, or have you had to talk yourself into feeling desire for women? What feels more natural to you? I suppose those are the questions you'll have to ask yourself. I'm hetero with no desire to see or be with men, so aside from that I cannot offer much in terms of advice other than to reflect seriously and see if you feel a more natural pull towards men or women.
The only option you have is to talk to her and tell her exactly what you're telling us. While that might seem terrifying to you, what other choice do you have?

She suspects it, whether she consciously knows it or not. There is a good chance that her sisters could have even said something by now and she's waiting for you to broach the subject.

You obviously want her to know. You wouldn't be opening your mouth about it to people in her sphere if you didn't want the news to get back to her. Even leaving the browser open can be interpreted as a subconscious attempt to bring the truth forth.

The way you talk about men at this point is beyond mere curiosity. "I look at a man, and immediately think of how nice his penis might look , or taste..or feel inside of me." Just really read back that comment, and let the wording sink in.

How do you feel about women, honestly? Do you have any impulses left at all for women on a purely sexual level? The honest answer to that will help you define the other part of "bi", if you indeed are.

But keep in mind that labels don't exactly fit all people. Many believe that sexuality is on a spectrum, with varying degrees of attraction to both sexes, and various activities. Perhaps now isn't the time to worry about defining yourself.

I think you should tell your wife, and than look into getting immediately into counselling or therapy. It sounds like you really could use some professional help to guide you down the road to figuring out exactly what's going on. You might be bisexual, or a gay man, or you might be dealing with these urges from a purely fantastical perspective that really won't translate well to real life sexual identity. Being a gay, or bisexual man, as an identity involves a lot more than an off hand urge to stick a c*ck in your mouth. Someone with professional experience will be able to hopefully help you get to the root of the matter.
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You have left out a very important part of your situation. What is your sex life with your wife? If you are aroused and have frequent sex with your wife then you are probably just bi-sexual. After 10 years, you should be able to have an open conversation with her. Since you have never had sex with a man then you should not tell her you are bi or gay because it is still just a fantasy. Instead, have a conversation about how the two of you can "spice" up your sex life. Maybe become "swingers." Only you know how your wife would react to enhancing your sex life with her. Once you have opened the conversation, you can then slowly introduce the idea of bi-sexuality.

The reason I say all this is that your fantasies should not be a threat to your wife's sex life with you. If you were having sex with a man without her approval or active participation, it would be cheating.

I had similar thoughts when I was young. But, I was aroused by women, so I knew my fantasies were just bi-sexual and not gay fantasies. As it turned out, I have fulfilled my sexual desires with my wife and her lover. When we met, our relationship was great in all areas except sex. We told each other of our fantasies and what works and doesn't work in bed. We agreed to try out an "alternative" lifestyle.

About 8 years ago she found a lover who literally thrills her sexually. Pretty quickly we discovered that he was no threat to our relationship and could only come by our home once or twice a week. Over time she told him how much it would turn her on if I sucked his ****. He became so comfortable with us that he allowed it to happen. We all liked it. We kept doing it. I can't tell you why he has not moved on in his life. He has gone on vacations with us and comes over regularly. I have sucked his **** hard for her hundreds of times.

It can happen. Fantasy to reality is an extreme step. You may or may not life it. But, you are married. Your wife must be included if you truly want to move from fantasy to reality. This will build up extreme stress in your marriage as your wife's "feelings" towards a lover may become an issue. The only way we have survived this stress is to have frequent and very open conversations.

It worked for us.

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OK, OP I see you made a very similar thread back in April. People gave you lots of good advice in that thread. I see that even I posted in it.

It's seven months later. Seems you haven't really made any moves, and you didn't just start having sexual feelings for her best friend's husband because you mention him in the original thread.

Do you really need guidance, or you just need to talk your fears out?
Have her hit you in the face and pail with a strap-on. Maybe that will chase your bi curios feelings away.
The thread title implies you are wondering if you are bi or straight but the content of the post sounds more like a question of whether you are bi or gay. Unfortunately m there is no mention of anything regarding your sex life with your wife, just an intense yearning to be with a man. I would say you are definitely at least bi and possibly purely gay. Not trying to be cruel but just like the other poster said, read your words and let them sink in. With the little information here one can at least see that you are desperately wanting to be with another person not your wife and regardless of that person's gender the issue is whether your wife is able to accept an open marriage or not. Then it is complicates with the extra addition of homosexuality which many people have huge problems computing it all. So, sounds like you need I fess up or live wondering or ... Cheat which you probably don't leant to do. That would be incredibly sad for your wife :/
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I am a bisexual guy my wife knows and is ok with it. I have been with guys in the past but doing so now would be cheating we watch gay porn together and talk openly I think you just have to be honest with each other
This thread is more than two years old. The original poster is banned, so he won't be posting here. Please don't bump up old threads. You're more than free to open a thread of your own.
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