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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi there...need advice. Been dating a divorced dad and it's only been about 6 months.

However, he went from being a very successful businessman to being wiped clean by his ex-wife. For awhile ...he would pay for dinner or a drink here and there...but now it sounds like he can't even afford to pay his alimony -- let alone anything for me.

I got into the habit of picking up the tab...so he could relax..stop freaking out about money. He was about to have a meltdown! And I don't blame him..

But now...I'm starting to worry. He is flat broke. And while he apologizes for the status he's in...he is still flat broke.

He wanted to go skiing this weekend with his family..and I initially offered to pay for the trip -- for ONE night. But, now he was considering going for 2. ANd of course..I would have to pay.

I just worry about this... what advice could you offer me?
 

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Quit paying for stuff and start seeing him only when whatever you're doing is free.

If his family want him to go skiing THEY can pay.

And before you commit further, do up a budget with him. Do NOT move in with him or anything like that till you have a clear view of his finances.
 

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LOL if he has skis and wants to go skiing, let him get a sidejob as a ski instructor weekends/evenings. Bonus if you like to ski you can hit him up for free tix. That's the way it works in my home territory. If someone can't get something for themselves, before they go accepting charity, they try to figure out what they can trade for it, if there is no money. (I got my extra ski tix by subbing as a newspaper delivery person in the wee hours over the summer.)

What is concerning is someone who would let another person do this for him must have an over-inflated sense of entitlement. Sure he got wiped clean, but you know what, he allowed that to happen in some way or another. If he was a smart whippet, he could have kept at least a bit of spending money in his wallet. Or figured out a lifestyle that would put some there. Oh wait, he did that.

Don't pat yourself on the back and tell yourself you are turning the tables gender-wise and being 'equal.' Even smart men these days will blatantly ask outright about if a job pays well, etc. before committing to a relationship, and sometimes even a date!

As for love, well, if you care about yourself you will guard your heart and not be too involved or committed to a guy who might end up costing you dearly in the long run, even when you're not involved in the enjoyment of the spending of the money.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Well, I feel really awkward now because I already (stupidly) offered to pay for the weekend away...but now it's tough because he has told people we are going etc...and he just told me he can't even afford groceries for his house this week.

His ex really wiped him clean -- and he also said that he can't afford to pay next month's alimony... I am NOT helping him in that area...def not.

I just don't know what to do now..that I've already half committed to it..
 

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He is not ready to be in a relationship with you or anybody else. It is very demeaning to a man not to be able to afford things, especially to take out a woman he is really into. He is going for 2 days now, he doesnt have much pride. In my opinion yes he is using you otherwise he would be ashamed. He will eventually resent this "help" you are giving him because even though he takes it, it ultimately makes him feel bad about himself.

This doesnt mean you cant or shouldnt be there for or stand by a good man who is down on his luck. To me this says this man is a taker .He has no issue asking you to spend more. He is already hinting he needs more money,cant afford this...that... hoping you will offer and he will gladly take it.
 

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Well if you already committed then do it, but tell him this will be the last time. And then make sure it IS the last time.

Is his family aware of his financial problems? If not, this would be a good time to talk to them about it.
 

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Hmm if he can't afford to pay and wants you to pay, he needs to show what his actual finances are.
Does he have a good job?
I would want to see where his money goes before I paid for everything.

I wasn't left in a great financial position after divorce as my settlement hasn't come through, but I still try and pay for things with my fiancé when I can.

It sounds like he is just taking advantage.
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If he's flat broke, how is he paying for utilities or the roof over his head or gas for his car? I assume he pays rent or has a mortgage. As far as being totally wiped out, do you have verifiable proof of that? I've never known a judge to strip a person of their entire portfolio in a divorce case, regardless of whether the judgment was rendered in a community property or equity state.

I'm not you, but here's what I would do. I would say a big fat "no" to the weekend. Who cares what anyone else thinks? You've only been dating this guy for six months. He claims he's wiped out, financially. But he's perfectly willing to sponge off of you.

Doesn't sound like much of a catch to me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
well his ex stayed home with the kids -- never worked. So, I think he's in shock at how well a woman can do for herself..

I like to travel and do fun things -- and I KNOW he does too -- but the last time we went away -- I had to pay for meals and hotel. Everything...and I think it will be the same way this time.

I am also looking at side businesses etc..I'm a go getter in that sense...as I think he is...but right now -- he's done. His divorce lasted YEARS and now he has to pay the legal bills too. It's not pretty for him..and he bought her out -- of her share of the house. So it left him with nothing BUT the house...which is still heavily financed!

So I asked him if he wanted to do a bit of a working weekend...brainstorming etc.. and he sort of agreed to it..and then just told me how badly he wanted to go out to ski ...and I keep thinking..."I" want to be working...

He also has 4 kids -- so his child support must be enormous too...

I really like him...but I just don't know if I can afford to stay in this type of relationship. financially and emotionally
 

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I initially offered to pay for the trip -- for ONE night. But, now he was considering going for 2. ANd of course..I would have to pay.

I just worry about this... what advice could you offer me?
THIS. In answer to your question, YES you are being used.
 

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I got wiped out in my divorce too and my SO makes great money. I probably don't pay for half but maybe a third of our dates would be accurate. He took me to one super nice restaurant and I felt like crap. I asked him to please not do that on a regular basis because I felt bad. We have been very open about finances etc. he obviously knows I'm not in it for the money. My point is this....this guy does not feel even a little bit bad and this is a really bad sign. Yes, he's using you.
 

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Well, I feel really awkward now because I already (stupidly) offered to pay for the weekend away...but now it's tough because he has told people we are going etc...and he just told me he can't even afford groceries for his house this week.

His ex really wiped him clean -- and he also said that he can't afford to pay next month's alimony... I am NOT helping him in that area...def not.

I just don't know what to do now..that I've already half committed to it..
Tell him, I'm sorry but I overestimated my budget so we wont be able to go away for the weekend. Honestly, I dont think a relationship between us would be good for me. We are just in different places. We both have other things we need to focus on. Take care!
 

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... the last time we went away -- I had to pay for meals and hotel. Everything...and I think it will be the same way this time.

So I asked him if he wanted to do a bit of a working weekend...brainstorming etc.. and he sort of agreed to it..and then just told me how badly he wanted to go out to ski ...and I keep thinking..."I" want to be working...

I really like him...but I just don't know if I can afford to stay in this type of relationship. financially and emotionally
I don't get it. I just don't get it. This guy is whining he wants to go skiing on YOUR dime. You have to know on some level that you're being taken advantage of, but you "really like him."

What the heck is there to like about some guy who is mooching off you? You are paying this man to be your companion.

Sorry, but this one has me baffled. Seriously.:confused::scratchhead:
 

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Well, I feel really awkward now because I already (stupidly) offered to pay for the weekend away...but now it's tough because he has told people we are going etc...and he just told me he can't even afford groceries for his house this week.

His ex really wiped him clean -- and he also said that he can't afford to pay next month's alimony... I am NOT helping him in that area...def not.

I just don't know what to do now..that I've already half committed to it..

The truth s*cks, but he probably knows it's coming.
If he can't afford groceries and he can't afford alimony, he needs a second and third job. He will have little to no time for dating. And if he does have time, it should be spent with his children. So if you must insist on following through on your commitment, and you are also going, make it a great weekend. Then tell him he needs to be taking care of his own obligations and you understand if he needs the time for taking on more work. This gives him a way to save face, and it makes it look as though you are understanding of his need to take on more work. Whether he does or not is none of your business. You can simply say you are out of money for dating, and you're happy to go for a walk.

Don't get pregnant on the weekend, if you're getting separate rooms from the kids.

My hobby is working too. I like to have fun but it's when I have time to have fun or really need to get out and get perspective. I'm leery of getting into a relationship with a precedent of spending. One thing I liked about the guy I dated during the summer, is we always cooked at home and went for walks and the very occasional bike ride. He turned out to be unsuitable for many reasons, but dating finances weren't one of them.
 

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If he can't afford groceries and he can't afford alimony, he needs a second and third job. He will have little to no time for dating. And if he does have time, it should be spent with his children.
But...he is going on a two day skiing trip with his "GF".:rolleyes:
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
The main problem is me...I think I was too nice ...and it is allowing him to have the same expectation going forward.

He said...why don't we just stay home...I don't feel happy ...and I said..well we can at least do SOMETHING -- we can go for one night. aNd then today... he said...ohhhh it snowed. We should go there for a long weekend! THen he told me "what the heck -- I took friday off of work..." (he gets paid days off).... So now the expectation is that we will be going for 2 nights --3 days. THIS after he told me he just told his attorney he can't pay a dime...he can barely survive.

THe divorce is just becoming final -- so this is a new budget for him. He bought out his ex -- from their home. So he used every resource he had...

He is very smart and driven...I know he will be successful long term...but right now...it's looking bleak for me.
 
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