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My husband and I have been together for 24 years and married for 12 of those years. We have three kids, but only two still live at home; our oldest recently moved to another state for college. Our marriage wasn't all butterflies and roses, we both made mistakes. His most recent one being with a woman he works with, my most recent having terrible reactions to finding out about her. He has decided he wants to move out but says he doesn't want the marriage to be over, he wants to take some time and space to find himself. He signed a one year lease for a one bedroom apartment about 15 minutes away from my house. I didn't want this at all and don't agree that you should be able to "take a break" from a marriage. In the meantime, he picks up our kids a few nights a week. He wants me to assist with picking up and/or dropping them off. I have not done this in the 6 months he has been out of my home as my thought is that he decided to leave so I shouldn't have to use my time or gas to make a trip that wouldn't be necessary if he hadn't left. He disagrees and says I should assist with this because he is not the only parent. Keep in mind, I do not ever tell him he can't have them, cant see them. I simply refuse to make the trip. Am I being unreasonable?
 

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My husband and I have been together for 24 years and married for 12 of those years. We have three kids, but only two still live at home; our oldest recently moved to another state for college. Our marriage wasn't all butterflies and roses, we both made mistakes. His most recent one being with a woman he works with, my most recent having terrible reactions to finding out about her. He has decided he wants to move out but says he doesn't want the marriage to be over, he wants to take some time and space to find himself. He signed a one year lease for a one bedroom apartment about 15 minutes away from my house. I didn't want this at all and don't agree that you should be able to "take a break" from a marriage. In the meantime, he picks up our kids a few nights a week. He wants me to assist with picking up and/or dropping them off. I have not done this in the 6 months he has been out of my home as my thought is that he decided to leave so I shouldn't have to use my time or gas to make a trip that wouldn't be necessary if he hadn't left. He disagrees and says I should assist with this because he is not the only parent. Keep in mind, I do not ever tell him he can't have them, cant see them. I simply refuse to make the trip. Am I being unreasonable?


You are being unreasonable in regards to co parenting. You aren't deliberately doing your share. You aren't personally providing your kids access to their father, when you also have the means to do so.

He's let you off the hook for 6 months, but he's requesting your assistance now.

Both of you contributed to the demise and dysfunction of the relationship..

Not just him.


The marriage is over.

It's been over.


A one year lease on an apartment and moving into it, means the marriage is over for good.


Your relationship has morphed into co-parenting.


You must do your share, before the courts order you to do your share by awarding joint custody.

If you don't follow through with abiding the joint custody agreement, it can switch to full custody.



The fact that he's been cheating should be more upsetting and make who he was cheating with irrelevant.



Now is the time to permanently end a marriage that probably should have ended a long time ago.


Co parent only.

Do your part, since he does his with the children.

Don't allow him control and dictatorship over the relationship.

See a lawyer asap and file for divorce.

Don't allow yourself to be a doormat.
 

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My husband and I have been together for 24 years and married for 12 of those years. We have three kids, but only two still live at home; our oldest recently moved to another state for college. Our marriage wasn't all butterflies and roses, we both made mistakes. His most recent one being with a woman he works with, my most recent having terrible reactions to finding out about her. He has decided he wants to move out but says he doesn't want the marriage to be over, he wants to take some time and space to find himself. He signed a one year lease for a one bedroom apartment about 15 minutes away from my house. I didn't want this at all and don't agree that you should be able to "take a break" from a marriage. In the meantime, he picks up our kids a few nights a week. He wants me to assist with picking up and/or dropping them off. I have not done this in the 6 months he has been out of my home as my thought is that he decided to leave so I shouldn't have to use my time or gas to make a trip that wouldn't be necessary if he hadn't left. He disagrees and says I should assist with this because he is not the only parent. Keep in mind, I do not ever tell him he can't have them, cant see them. I simply refuse to make the trip. Am I being unreasonable?
I wouldn't go out of my way to make my cheating husband's life easier with his paramour but that's just me.

You need to speak with an attorney and set up a separation agreement that includes a child custody agreement. Your custody agreement will include, amongst other things, a consistent schedule for the kids, detail who is responsible for picking up from who's house on transition dates, and monetary support for those kids. Get on this as soon as possible.
 

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In the meantime, he picks up our kids a few nights a week. He wants me to assist with picking up and/or dropping them off. I have not done this in the 6 months he has been out of my home as my thought is that he decided to leave so I shouldn't have to use my time or gas to make a trip that wouldn't be necessary if he hadn't left. He disagrees and says I should assist with this because he is not the only parent. Keep in mind, I do not ever tell him he can't have them, cant see them. I simply refuse to make the trip. Am I being unreasonable?


Yes.

Your relationship has ended.

You have to adapt and adjust your mind as a co parenter.


This is about the children, and not you, or the relationship...and your feelings about it (which are valid)


This is what effective co parenting is.

This is what parenting is.

A joint responsibility.


Not one.

Also, you have poor self esteem and don't love yourself.


You're more angry that you aren't allowed/entitled to freely tolerate and endure a dysfunctional toxic marriage any longer.


If he hadn't moved...

You'd tolerate it as you've always been doing.


"I didn't want this at all and don't agree that you should be able to "take a break" from a marriage."


"my thought is that he decided to leave so I shouldn't have to use my time or gas to make a trip that wouldn't be necessary if he hadn't left."



You're more angry and upset that he left, as opposed to cheating.


Yes. You should know that these major adjustments to your relationship were and are still necessary.

There shouldn't be any hesitation or procrastinating divorcing each other.

The fact that you don't feel this or know is very concerning.

You are equally as fault for the state of things.

(We don't know if you've ever cheated acted inappropriately or how you contributed to the demise of things but you did)

Regardless

You stayed and allowed yourself to be a doormat..


You're upset and angry that you can't currently (permanently) be his doormat still.



Please divorce and seek individually therapy asap.
Learn how to love and respect yourself.

No one should allow themselves to be a doormat.

No one should find comfort in being one neither.
 

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When one party decides to separate it’s usually so they can date. I wouldn’t want this informal situation you’re dealing with. Get a separation agreement in place. Right now it only benefits him. Make sure it benefits you too.
Your husband is doing whatever he wants with whomever he wants. You can be sure he is bringing the other woman, or possibly multiple women, into his bed. I understand you not wanting to participate in transporting your children to his home, but you two are separated. You seem to have confused boundaries. You stay married to him while he has sex with other women, but you won't help with transportation for the kids.
Why haven't you divorced him?
Are you doing things to try to get him to choose you?
 

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. I simply refuse to make the trip. Am I being unreasonable?
To some you are being unreasonable, to others, you're sticking it to him. The way I see it, you're sticking it to yourself. You have been in this situation for over six months, and all you can think of, and do is to try to get at him, while he's banging god knows how many women, while you're there waiting. I mean waiting for what? And worse of all not doing anything.

Do you think that after the year's lease is over he's coming back home, and you will be able to get him all by yourself, and be a better doormat for him?

Reality check...Why haven't you in these six months not served him with divorce papers? Why haven't you already started to live your own life? Or is it that you also is having others as sex partners, but want to remain with him, eventually? Why haven't you already make him sign at least separation agreement, including a parental schedule?

Or is it that you depent completely off him, and want to keep it that way?

The longer you wait, the better for him. It's time to divorce him, whether you don't agree to it. Anyway, you either lack self respect and dignity, or you just want him to keep providing for you (that's if you don't work), because if you work and make your own money, then, like I said you need your self respect and dignity back.

How can you be saying, oh, I don't agreed with it, and keep going like nothing is going on other than just being petty by no agreeing to a child custody schedule.
 

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I do not think you are being unreasonable. I agree with you that if he is the one that wants his own bachelor pad and wants to the life of a single, but doesn't want to put in the work or write the checks out for a divorce, then why should you go out of your way and burn up your gas to accommodate him?

He wants to live the life of a single and live in his own place and bang other women but yet he still wants marital benefits and wants you to cater to that?? Oh hell no!

Here's the thing, if he were to actually divorce you in a proper divorce and set you free from all this madness, then the court would probably establish formal custody arrangments for the minor children and you might be mandated to meet him half way or he picks them up from your house and you pick them back up from his house or you take turns driving them or whatever.

But as he is just wanting to live his own life without actually going through a proper divorce with explicit custody arrangements - nope, nope, nope. You don't have to lift a finger to accommodate his chosen lifestyle.

You aren't barring his access to the children and there is no formal separation or custody arrangement so it is on him. If he doesn't want to burn his gas, he can send his girlfriends over to get them. I'm sure they'd be more than happy to do that ha ha ha.
 

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Here's the thing, if he were to actually divorce you in a proper divorce and set you free from all this madness, then the court would probably establish formal custody arrangments for the minor children and you might be mandated to meet him half way or he picks them up from your house and you pick them back up from his house or you take turns driving them or whatever.

But as he is just wanting to live his own life without actually going through a proper divorce with explicit custody arrangements - nope, nope, nope. You don't have to lift a finger to accommodate his chosen lifestyle.
Okay, I agree with this 100%
In my previous post I said you were being unreasonable but thinking about it more, that you are not even divorced and there is no custody agreement, then no, I don't think you're being unreasonable!
 

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we both made mistakes. His most recent one being with a woman he works with, my most recent having terrible reactions to finding out about her
Can you elaborate on the prior mistakes that are not the "most recent".... I think this will provide a lot of context and could have an impact on the advice you receive.....
 

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My husband and I have been together for 24 years and married for 12 of those years. We have three kids, but only two still live at home; our oldest recently moved to another state for college. Our marriage wasn't all butterflies and roses, we both made mistakes. His most recent one being with a woman he works with, my most recent having terrible reactions to finding out about her. He has decided he wants to move out but says he doesn't want the marriage to be over, he wants to take some time and space to find himself. He signed a one year lease for a one bedroom apartment about 15 minutes away from my house. I didn't want this at all and don't agree that you should be able to "take a break" from a marriage. In the meantime, he picks up our kids a few nights a week. He wants me to assist with picking up and/or dropping them off. I have not done this in the 6 months he has been out of my home as my thought is that he decided to leave so I shouldn't have to use my time or gas to make a trip that wouldn't be necessary if he hadn't left. He disagrees and says I should assist with this because he is not the only parent. Keep in mind, I do not ever tell him he can't have them, cant see them. I simply refuse to make the trip. Am I being unreasonable?
Your "mistake" of a terrible reaction to cheating is nonsense. Short of violence, there is no overreacting to him cheating. He has already moved on, don't let him string you along. Have some self respect. The time to see a lawyer if long past due.
 
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