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So short and to the point (hopefully) unlike my other post. Im 25 she is 23. Been together 8 years married for 2. Three weeks ago she left me because she does not feel for me the same way anymore. I did the typical begging and pleading and crying. I have now come to terms with the fact that she does not want to be with me and am trying to get everything taken care of so we can move on: her cat, getting her off my cell, off my insurance and break the lease on our apartment (which she agreed to initially) so when this is finalized i can get into my house (will not do that till its over so its one less thing to worry about). I have decided instead of being selfish and asking her to come home that i only want her to be happy and am willing to proceed with this divorce in order to give her what she wants even though she will not give me what i want. Now the last time we talked i kept a very calm and composed voice while she got "angry" ish at me while i was explaining this to her and it felt like she was trying to make it my fault and i decided to end the conversation until she cooled down. It has been 3 days now since we have talked and i will not talk to her again until monday night (today is thursday) due to advice recieved because i am meeting with my fathers lawyer on monday to begin the process of the divorce since she has yet to do so. I am only doing this because she has made it clear thats what she wants and i only ever wanted her to be happy even if this it what it takes. That being said, she now refuses to break the lease, sign off my cell phone and went from living with her mom to living with her sister. I need all this to be done soon one way or another as i am getting a house soon and supposed to be entering the police acadamey in march and dont need any of this to cloud my ambitions. Here is the question i guess:
Is she not breaking the lease or starting any of this in case she decides she is wrong and wants to come back, or is it she just wants me to be the "bad guy" or is there some other reason i just cannot see? Any opinions would be nice but please do not post on this if you are the person who is bitter and only looks to cause more problems (you know who you are). I am seeking real advice and real help as to how to proceed and maybe insight into her thoughts and actions........:scratchhead:
 

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She's doing the same thing my STBXH is doing. She's looking for better and using you as plan B. When you initiate the proceedings, it scares her, because she loses control AND plan B.

Carry on, smart man. You're far more wise than most of us.
 

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I appreciate it much. Trust me i was not like this in the beginning but i came to this because i had to make myself remember that i am very analytical and refuse to be left in limbo. Another side question, if thats what it is will me taking the first step (in your opinion) make her come back or push her away? because my theory is she did it once she could do it again so at that do i even want her back? I dunno im still so confused.
 

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In my experience, they come back, but to no avail. Runners desire control, and when they feel like they're losing it, they will do ANYTHING to get the ball back in their court.
 

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I agree with SCsweety81. Especially about you being a far better man then most of us. You sound extremely level headed for someone being put through the ringer.

I try and try to maintain my composure, but go through mood swings from sad or mad and usually end up saying something now and again to my wife I usually regret later.

Like you said if she has done this once she will do it again. Unless you can get to the bottom of why she is unhappy and change it you will just repeat all of this again down the line. I don't know about you, but this kind of stuff is so painful I personally never want to repeat it again. I just want to go on with my life and be happy. I really really hate drama.
 

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@ nowhere

i am the same way. i try to keep my composure as much as possible but sometimes its hard because im on a roller coaster. i also hate the drama and try to avoid it at all costs but i am so wishy washy that one minute i want nothing to do with her and the next i just want there to be us and nothing else matters ya know? i also wanna move on either way just to be happy but sometimes im not sure which way would make me happier...
 

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@ imperfectmomma

i do understand what youre saying but at the same time i dont lol. if she is just scared why not let her husband keep his promise and help her to make it better either way? thats what i am here for ya know? ups and downs good and bads better or worse so why close off from the person you "want to leave..maybe.." instead of figuring out the problem and whether or not it can be solved. i just dont unserstand women i guess lol im so lost and confused but at the same time know what i need to do.
 

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@ nowhere

i am the same way. i try to keep my composure as much as possible but sometimes its hard because im on a roller coaster. i also hate the drama and try to avoid it at all costs but i am so wishy washy that one minute i want nothing to do with her and the next i just want there to be us and nothing else matters ya know? i also wanna move on either way just to be happy but sometimes im not sure which way would make me happier...
That's not wishy washy at all. You sound exactly like me. Unless we're both wishy washy :)

As I see it it's scary moving on. Change, especially one this large, is frightening. It's unknown. What is known is how crazy your wife will make you if you stay and this continues. Whether she is hoping to be with someone else or the romance and passion has just died either way you can't keep over thinking everything.
Every relationship goes through a period where the spark fades. either you try and get counseling, sit down and talk and really make a break through or it will just get worse IMO.
Go read some of the posts in the self help section about communication with your spouse. You may find a few fit you and your wife's problems.
It did for me.

Just don't allow her to drag it on or pull you into any argument.
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Let me explain it this way. I'm scared. I know it's in my best interest to move on and that's what I need to do but I still love him and it's terrifying to think about moving on. My life is different though in that he cheated. Even though I want/need him to move out so that I can move on, anytime he talks about it, it upsets me tremendously but I can talk about it and not have an issue. Sigh. I guess what I am saying is sometimes you heart and mind may not be on the same page.
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Let me explain it this way. I'm scared. I know it's in my best interest to move on and that's what I need to do but I still love him and it's terrifying to think about moving on. My life is different though in that he cheated. Even though I want/need him to move out so that I can move on, anytime he talks about it, it upsets me tremendously but I can talk about it and not have an issue. Sigh. I guess what I am saying is sometimes you heart and mind may not be on the same page.
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Maybe Conrad can chime in about the left brain and the right brain .. that's something I still haven't grasped completely.
 

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Well i appreciate all of you opinions guys i really do and i have looked into other posts and as bad as it sounds im happy that im not the only one lol. i dont think the flame is gone i just think that its almost gone and she wont let me start it again. i guess i just gotta plan to move on and hope that i dont have to at the same time.
 

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Thats what YOU have to do. I said this in my thread "I'm hoping for the best, but planning for the worst", and I stuck by it. Always remember that you can stop he proceedings at anytime, if you want to. My stbxw strung me along for almost a year before I realized I had to file. Every person is different on how the deal with things. One day everything will "click" and then you will decide on what you want to do. Trust me, I know the feelings you have. I too felt wishy washy, one hour I wanted her back and the next I didnt. There are GREAT people on here. Listen to them. I know it is not easy and you maybe thinking, its easier said than done, which is true. This is a tough decision. It is gonna be tough, I aint gonna sugar coat it, but you will get through it. I never thought I was strong enough to get through this, but I am.
 

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wow. just wow. i think i needed to hear that so i appreciate it and i am listening and all this is really helping...a lot. i appreciate it guys. thank you :)
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Im 25 she is 23. Been together 8 years married for 2.
I think THAT right there is PART of the reason for this whole situation.

You and she are the ONLY relationship that YOU have ever known. You and she are the ONLY relationship that SHE has ever known.

It's very possible that she is regretting that she never experienced what other young people do (I'm not talking about promiscuity)...dating others, being single, NOT being part of a 'couple', doing WHAT YOU WANT without having to answer to someone else; a time in your life when YOU can be completely selfish to some extent (you eat WHEN you want, WHAT you want, IF you want, YOU control the tv remote, you can CHOOSE to spend the whole day in bed, or reading a book, or going to a museum, or hanging with your friends, or on a mini-vacation, etc). See what I mean? YOU have NEVER done that. Neither has she. It's possible she misses the POSSIBILITIES her life COULD HAVE HAD if she hadn't tied herself down to one guy (you), one relationship at SUCH A YOUNG AGE.

That being said, she is also SCARED of the unknown! YOU are the ONLY relationship she has ever known. She doesn't know HOW to react to a situation that HASN'T EVEN EXISTED SINCE SHE WAS 15 YEARS OLD -- life without you.

Let her go. You both committed when you were WAY TOO YOUNG. Be glad you don't have kids in this mix.

Move on yourself. You both committed when you were WAY TOO YOUNG.

PLEASE, do NOT jump right back into living with someone at your new house, nor to being engaged to someone within the next few years, nor to getting married in the next few years.

Give yourself a chance to REALLY explore life! You will be amazed at the choices your 25yo self will make that your 17yo self never would have! to some extent, both you and your W have stunted your social/emotional growth by eliminating the usual route to maturing adulthood in this society (interacting in a dating scenario with others). I'm NOT saying you're immature, I'm saying you both are making choices/decisions/ideas based on the fact that you quit interacting with people of the opposite gender when you were IN HIGH SCHOOL.

Both of you need to go find WHO YOU ARE *NOW* as young adults.

She will always have a special place in your heart as your first love (as you will have in hers), but in 5 years I GUARANTEE you will be amazed how much your views/choices will have changed just by dating and by being with people who will NOW have similar goals/aspirations as you have (like being a cop.)

Good luck, do NOT be bitter. This is a CHAPTER coming to an end (just like reading a book), it is not 'THE END' of YOUR story. Turn the page....a new chapter begins!
 
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