This is my first post on this forum. This will probably be a long post - sorry in advance.
I recently discovered that my wife cheated on me. We've been married for nearly 16 years. Most of our relationship has been really good, with the usual ups and downs.
I'll admit there were times in our marriage when I wondered if I loved my wife. There were times when I would flirt with other women - but have never stepped out of our marriage.
Things took a turn when in 2008 my 18 year career took a huge tumble. I've been a commissioned sales person all my life and my income dropped about 75%.
The only thing I knew to do was work harder and as a result began working longer hours. I began learning about online marketing and began implementing it into my business with the hopes that I could resurrect my business. I was beginning to experience mild success and was generating a lot of leads but because of the market few people were very motivated to buy. At some point I decided to begin focusing on online marketing and stayed with my business as long as I could because it was generating some income. Because I was juggling both I was still putting in lots of hours - sometimes late into the night - a couple time I did all-nighters.
I was in sheer desperation mode to save my home and my life style. But it seemed the harder I worked the worse things got financially.
My health began to be impacted. I developed high blood pressure and sleep apnea and on weekends I'd be so exhausted I was incapable of really engaging with my family. In 2008 when all of this began I became severley depressed and had what I think was a mild nervous breakdown. I had gotten the depression under control somewhat but as i continued to work the long hours with few results, the depression would kick back in again. There were many times I'd go to my doctors office weeping uncontrollably for no reason. I'd weep driving down the highway. I contemplated suicide many times even to the point of knowing how I would do it.
The point of all this is - I wasn't all that much fun to live with and I was not engaged with my wife enough to bring her a long as a partner. I seized communicating with her about all that was going on - because I had no energy and NO answers for her. And her hostility toward me had increased becasue of our circumstances. She blamed me for abandoning my family but at the same time said I should go get 3 jobs if necessary so that I'm at least brining in an income.
In March 2011 we had a nice conversation about some things I was working on that I was hopeful about. I truly thought they were going to work. She said she supported me and that I should give it 6 months. I ended up working at it 6 months and then began trying to find a new job. Again, one more thing to add to my list of things to do, while dealing with depression, not sleeping etc...
OK - so fast forward to November 2012. By this time I had stopped all of my marketing activities because I couldn't figure out how to earn consitent money. I found a full time job that is a salary plus commission job. My wife and I had separated because of everything. She asked me to leave. I was living at a friends and she and the kids remained at home.
Periodically I would stay overnight at home and when I did, I would sleep in our bed. Of course nothing was happening besides sleep. I heard my wifes cell phone buzz in the middle of the night and thought it was someone texting her so that suddenly sparked my curiosity.
The next day I checked her cell phone records and discovered a phone number that appeared over and over and over again for about the last year - going back to October 2011 (just over 6 months from our covernsation where she said she supported me and gave me 6 months).
I called the number and of course it was another man. I asked who he was - he gave told me a name and gave me a bull**** story about why he was talking to my wife.
I confronted my wife about it as well. She insisted they were just friends. I began tabulating the amount of time they spoke on the phone and the average time they spent on the phone together was over 40 hours per month for the past 12 months. Could be longer - the phone records online only go back 12 months.
She would say "I know it looks bad but I promise you we are just friends and we've only met twice" Blah Blah Blah.
A few days later I checked her cell phone voicemail and there were multiple messages on there from him all professing his love for her. I won't share all of them but one said how much he enjoyed seeing her last night and how much he enjoyed the intensity of the kisses and pinning her against the wall with his hands in her pants and fingers deep inside her - blah blah blah.
As I'm sure you can imagine - I became quite angry and woke her out of bed by placing her phone next to her to listen to the message.
She still to this day claims that never happened. She said, instead they were simply engaged in a fantasy role play over the phone but besides the one time they did kiss, there was never anything beyond that. ...I don't believe her...
With all of this, I love my wife and I want things to work out. I moved back into the house the day I discovered the phone calls and I've been there ever since.
And I have been the one doing everything in my power to make things work. I have been the model husband, showering her with affection, cleanign the house, making her lunches for work etc....Professing how much I love her...Basically I've been a pathetic door map...
I've been back in the home since November 8th and we still have not had sex because she says she needs time. She needs time to get over all the "hurt and resentment" from my past behaviour and for abandoning my family while I was trying to sort out my career.
We hug and kiss and are affectionate that way - with me initiating of course but we still have not had sex.
After reading some online about womens infidelity I'm beginning to realize some things that hadn't dawned on me. She's likely mourning the loss of the Other Man and coming down from the chemical high she was on when she cheated in the first place. She's probably not even certain that she wants to be in this marriage.
And I have been doing everything wrong. I've been a complete doormat for her basically, allowing her to feel as though her cheating was justified.
I would welcome some feedback on what I should be doing - some perspective perhaps. Because right now, we are no sex indefinitely - and...well...it's pretty hard to swallow learning your wife has cheated and she's not interested in having sex.
Thanks in advance for your time.
I recently discovered that my wife cheated on me. We've been married for nearly 16 years. Most of our relationship has been really good, with the usual ups and downs.
I'll admit there were times in our marriage when I wondered if I loved my wife. There were times when I would flirt with other women - but have never stepped out of our marriage.
Things took a turn when in 2008 my 18 year career took a huge tumble. I've been a commissioned sales person all my life and my income dropped about 75%.
The only thing I knew to do was work harder and as a result began working longer hours. I began learning about online marketing and began implementing it into my business with the hopes that I could resurrect my business. I was beginning to experience mild success and was generating a lot of leads but because of the market few people were very motivated to buy. At some point I decided to begin focusing on online marketing and stayed with my business as long as I could because it was generating some income. Because I was juggling both I was still putting in lots of hours - sometimes late into the night - a couple time I did all-nighters.
I was in sheer desperation mode to save my home and my life style. But it seemed the harder I worked the worse things got financially.
My health began to be impacted. I developed high blood pressure and sleep apnea and on weekends I'd be so exhausted I was incapable of really engaging with my family. In 2008 when all of this began I became severley depressed and had what I think was a mild nervous breakdown. I had gotten the depression under control somewhat but as i continued to work the long hours with few results, the depression would kick back in again. There were many times I'd go to my doctors office weeping uncontrollably for no reason. I'd weep driving down the highway. I contemplated suicide many times even to the point of knowing how I would do it.
The point of all this is - I wasn't all that much fun to live with and I was not engaged with my wife enough to bring her a long as a partner. I seized communicating with her about all that was going on - because I had no energy and NO answers for her. And her hostility toward me had increased becasue of our circumstances. She blamed me for abandoning my family but at the same time said I should go get 3 jobs if necessary so that I'm at least brining in an income.
In March 2011 we had a nice conversation about some things I was working on that I was hopeful about. I truly thought they were going to work. She said she supported me and that I should give it 6 months. I ended up working at it 6 months and then began trying to find a new job. Again, one more thing to add to my list of things to do, while dealing with depression, not sleeping etc...
OK - so fast forward to November 2012. By this time I had stopped all of my marketing activities because I couldn't figure out how to earn consitent money. I found a full time job that is a salary plus commission job. My wife and I had separated because of everything. She asked me to leave. I was living at a friends and she and the kids remained at home.
Periodically I would stay overnight at home and when I did, I would sleep in our bed. Of course nothing was happening besides sleep. I heard my wifes cell phone buzz in the middle of the night and thought it was someone texting her so that suddenly sparked my curiosity.
The next day I checked her cell phone records and discovered a phone number that appeared over and over and over again for about the last year - going back to October 2011 (just over 6 months from our covernsation where she said she supported me and gave me 6 months).
I called the number and of course it was another man. I asked who he was - he gave told me a name and gave me a bull**** story about why he was talking to my wife.
I confronted my wife about it as well. She insisted they were just friends. I began tabulating the amount of time they spoke on the phone and the average time they spent on the phone together was over 40 hours per month for the past 12 months. Could be longer - the phone records online only go back 12 months.
She would say "I know it looks bad but I promise you we are just friends and we've only met twice" Blah Blah Blah.
A few days later I checked her cell phone voicemail and there were multiple messages on there from him all professing his love for her. I won't share all of them but one said how much he enjoyed seeing her last night and how much he enjoyed the intensity of the kisses and pinning her against the wall with his hands in her pants and fingers deep inside her - blah blah blah.
As I'm sure you can imagine - I became quite angry and woke her out of bed by placing her phone next to her to listen to the message.
She still to this day claims that never happened. She said, instead they were simply engaged in a fantasy role play over the phone but besides the one time they did kiss, there was never anything beyond that. ...I don't believe her...
With all of this, I love my wife and I want things to work out. I moved back into the house the day I discovered the phone calls and I've been there ever since.
And I have been the one doing everything in my power to make things work. I have been the model husband, showering her with affection, cleanign the house, making her lunches for work etc....Professing how much I love her...Basically I've been a pathetic door map...
I've been back in the home since November 8th and we still have not had sex because she says she needs time. She needs time to get over all the "hurt and resentment" from my past behaviour and for abandoning my family while I was trying to sort out my career.
We hug and kiss and are affectionate that way - with me initiating of course but we still have not had sex.
After reading some online about womens infidelity I'm beginning to realize some things that hadn't dawned on me. She's likely mourning the loss of the Other Man and coming down from the chemical high she was on when she cheated in the first place. She's probably not even certain that she wants to be in this marriage.
And I have been doing everything wrong. I've been a complete doormat for her basically, allowing her to feel as though her cheating was justified.
I would welcome some feedback on what I should be doing - some perspective perhaps. Because right now, we are no sex indefinitely - and...well...it's pretty hard to swallow learning your wife has cheated and she's not interested in having sex.
Thanks in advance for your time.
