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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is my first post on this forum. This will probably be a long post - sorry in advance.

I recently discovered that my wife cheated on me. We've been married for nearly 16 years. Most of our relationship has been really good, with the usual ups and downs.

I'll admit there were times in our marriage when I wondered if I loved my wife. There were times when I would flirt with other women - but have never stepped out of our marriage.

Things took a turn when in 2008 my 18 year career took a huge tumble. I've been a commissioned sales person all my life and my income dropped about 75%.

The only thing I knew to do was work harder and as a result began working longer hours. I began learning about online marketing and began implementing it into my business with the hopes that I could resurrect my business. I was beginning to experience mild success and was generating a lot of leads but because of the market few people were very motivated to buy. At some point I decided to begin focusing on online marketing and stayed with my business as long as I could because it was generating some income. Because I was juggling both I was still putting in lots of hours - sometimes late into the night - a couple time I did all-nighters.

I was in sheer desperation mode to save my home and my life style. But it seemed the harder I worked the worse things got financially.

My health began to be impacted. I developed high blood pressure and sleep apnea and on weekends I'd be so exhausted I was incapable of really engaging with my family. In 2008 when all of this began I became severley depressed and had what I think was a mild nervous breakdown. I had gotten the depression under control somewhat but as i continued to work the long hours with few results, the depression would kick back in again. There were many times I'd go to my doctors office weeping uncontrollably for no reason. I'd weep driving down the highway. I contemplated suicide many times even to the point of knowing how I would do it.

The point of all this is - I wasn't all that much fun to live with and I was not engaged with my wife enough to bring her a long as a partner. I seized communicating with her about all that was going on - because I had no energy and NO answers for her. And her hostility toward me had increased becasue of our circumstances. She blamed me for abandoning my family but at the same time said I should go get 3 jobs if necessary so that I'm at least brining in an income.

In March 2011 we had a nice conversation about some things I was working on that I was hopeful about. I truly thought they were going to work. She said she supported me and that I should give it 6 months. I ended up working at it 6 months and then began trying to find a new job. Again, one more thing to add to my list of things to do, while dealing with depression, not sleeping etc...

OK - so fast forward to November 2012. By this time I had stopped all of my marketing activities because I couldn't figure out how to earn consitent money. I found a full time job that is a salary plus commission job. My wife and I had separated because of everything. She asked me to leave. I was living at a friends and she and the kids remained at home.

Periodically I would stay overnight at home and when I did, I would sleep in our bed. Of course nothing was happening besides sleep. I heard my wifes cell phone buzz in the middle of the night and thought it was someone texting her so that suddenly sparked my curiosity.

The next day I checked her cell phone records and discovered a phone number that appeared over and over and over again for about the last year - going back to October 2011 (just over 6 months from our covernsation where she said she supported me and gave me 6 months).

I called the number and of course it was another man. I asked who he was - he gave told me a name and gave me a bull**** story about why he was talking to my wife.

I confronted my wife about it as well. She insisted they were just friends. I began tabulating the amount of time they spoke on the phone and the average time they spent on the phone together was over 40 hours per month for the past 12 months. Could be longer - the phone records online only go back 12 months.

She would say "I know it looks bad but I promise you we are just friends and we've only met twice" Blah Blah Blah.

A few days later I checked her cell phone voicemail and there were multiple messages on there from him all professing his love for her. I won't share all of them but one said how much he enjoyed seeing her last night and how much he enjoyed the intensity of the kisses and pinning her against the wall with his hands in her pants and fingers deep inside her - blah blah blah.

As I'm sure you can imagine - I became quite angry and woke her out of bed by placing her phone next to her to listen to the message.

She still to this day claims that never happened. She said, instead they were simply engaged in a fantasy role play over the phone but besides the one time they did kiss, there was never anything beyond that. ...I don't believe her...

With all of this, I love my wife and I want things to work out. I moved back into the house the day I discovered the phone calls and I've been there ever since.

And I have been the one doing everything in my power to make things work. I have been the model husband, showering her with affection, cleanign the house, making her lunches for work etc....Professing how much I love her...Basically I've been a pathetic door map...

I've been back in the home since November 8th and we still have not had sex because she says she needs time. She needs time to get over all the "hurt and resentment" from my past behaviour and for abandoning my family while I was trying to sort out my career.

We hug and kiss and are affectionate that way - with me initiating of course but we still have not had sex.

After reading some online about womens infidelity I'm beginning to realize some things that hadn't dawned on me. She's likely mourning the loss of the Other Man and coming down from the chemical high she was on when she cheated in the first place. She's probably not even certain that she wants to be in this marriage.

And I have been doing everything wrong. I've been a complete doormat for her basically, allowing her to feel as though her cheating was justified.

I would welcome some feedback on what I should be doing - some perspective perhaps. Because right now, we are no sex indefinitely - and...well...it's pretty hard to swallow learning your wife has cheated and she's not interested in having sex.

Thanks in advance for your time.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I should add that she hasn't had contact with him since Dday - that I'm aware of. I check her phone records daily as well as her personal email. She does have a work email that I don't have access too.

Thanks!
 

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Based on what you have shared and know it sounds like either a EA or a EA/PA that has gone underground I would continue to monitor the situation and consider buying a placing a VAR in her car maybe a keylogger on the home computer laptop etc in an effort to see where we are at
 

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Has she sent a NC letter ? Also I would consider that you start taking care of yourself by this I mean maybe start exercising or walking, jogging , riding a bike etc as these activities will help stress and you basically get immediate results the 180 plan is designed to get you to rediscover yourself its not for her or your marriage but for you follow this link if your interested http://www.network54.com/Forum/233195/thread/1302875291/last-1302891381/The+180


Good Luck Sir
 

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I should add that she hasn't had contact with him since Dday - that I'm aware of. I check her phone records daily as well as her personal email. She does have a work email that I don't have access too.

Thanks!
So she knows your checking that stuff, right? And you still haven't been intimate?

Could be underground. :(

Some here would suggest a tracker on the car.
 

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I sense you wat to stay in the marriage. I would leave if I was you, but if you want to stay, no more Mr. Nice guy.

You don't have to be a jerk, but be honest about it. You are working your rear end off to pay for everything and keep the bills paid. That's not easy to do and still have time for everything else in your situation. Btw, does she work?

If she does, suggest she get a part-time job as well, and same with you. The two of you should be balancing the load, not piling it all on you.

If she doesn't work, maybe try telling her that she's free to get off her princess ass and go find a job rather than *****ing about how you should have three of them.

Make her do at least half the work in the house as well. While I don't think sex is really your primary concern at the moment (I'll get to that in a second) if you read the Sex in Marriage forums, no one gets laid by scrubbing floors and folding laundry. Besides, she's a full capable human being, make her do half of the load in the house.

Regarding sex though, at this stage I think you need to focus on the marriage first. Yes, sex is part of marriage, but it comes when a level of trust and happiness is in the marriage, and right now you clearly don't trust her and she's not happy with you for a few reasons. You need to work on mending those fences for a while first. Have you tried doing a date night, or just spending time along at night to talk, watch a movie, etc?

Also, try sitting down with her and having an open talk, not a fight but a talk, about everything. Don't get into the affair really, just the stuff that involves you and her and why you drifted apart. See if you two can agree on what you did wrong and what she did wrong, because it'll help you understand what it is you need to work on to repair the relationship.

Also, be sure to enforce a no contact rule for the other man, and establish barriers for her (and you) regarding what is inappropriate regarding the opposite sex so it's well known in the marriage what is and isn't allowed by the other spouse. I'd also suggest asking for all her passwords, etc. and you should offer her the same.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thanks for all the responses. Truly!

Virtually everything about our relationship is way better than it was when I was working so many hours. And even better than it was for some time leading up to that timeframe.

She does have a job and she does help around the house. We are much more partners in that respect than we have been for quite awhile. There have been times when she was a stay at home mom and she works in the school district so she's home during the summer months. As a result - she has always tended to do more of the house cleaning while I would do the grocery shopping and the major cooking (entertaining) - because I love grocery shopping and cooking. She believe it or not, likes doing laundry and vaccuuming.

We're actually both very civil to each other - and we communicate now more than ever. We spend a lot of time at night - after the kids go to bed just talking things over. Sometimes our voices raise a bit, but for the most part, we have good communication.

When were in bed together, we cuddle. I'm able to "touch" her, although in one of our conversations she reiterated that she is not able to have sex yet and expressed that she felt I was being too "touchy" right now.

When I arrive home (she gets home from work before me) we embrace and kiss. We sit next to each other on the couch at night. We hold hands in the car and other places.

She has stated that she feels I'm all about sex right now and that we need to focus on our relationship and rebuild it. And I agree with that. I also agree that I'm "all about sex" right now. I know I'm going through that response that BS's go through upon discovering the affair.

However, when I spend most of my time playing mind movies in my head its excrusiating that were not able to fully reconcile that way. And maybe the reality is, it should be ME who's not ready to reconcile because - it may be a false reconciliation.

Besides posting here, I have only told one close freind about this and we've only talked about it once because he's out of town on business.

Meanwhile - ALL of our close friends have sort of gathered around her in support of her for the past couple of years because she's had to endure so much and how can she still be hanging in there. Not one of them knows about the affair.

Regarding the NC rule - should I require her to write and send the letter to him even if I believe she has stopped contact?

How do I go from the way I've been handling this (pathetic door mat) - to implementing the 180 thingy?

I mean, if were making progress could the 180 rule short circuit our progress?
 

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She is not having sex with you out of loyalty to her OM.

They had sex. She is still lying. Don't even argue this

She has other means of communication. maybe a second phone or a different email account.

You are absolutely being played. You need to play this smarter than her. Be prepared to be devastated.

Do you know who this guy is ?(OM). Is he married ?

Anything you try to fix without finding all the lies that are going on is a waste of time. Remember how easily she lied to you when you confronted her about the calls ?
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Regarding sex though, at this stage I think you need to focus on the marriage first. Yes, sex is part of marriage, but it comes when a level of trust and happiness is in the marriage, and right now you clearly don't trust her and she's not happy with you for a few reasons. You need to work on mending those fences for a while first. Have you tried doing a date night, or just spending time along at night to talk, watch a movie, etc?

Also, try sitting down with her and having an open talk, not a fight but a talk, about everything. Don't get into the affair really, just the stuff that involves you and her and why you drifted apart. See if you two can agree on what you did wrong and what she did wrong, because it'll help you understand what it is you need to work on to repair the relationship.
We have been doing these things.

[/QUOTE]Also, be sure to enforce a no contact rule for the other man, and establish barriers for her (and you) regarding what is inappropriate regarding the opposite sex so it's well known in the marriage what is and isn't allowed by the other spouse. I'd also suggest asking for all her passwords, etc. and you should offer her the same.[/QUOTE]

Is it appropriate for me to ask for her work email password? She accesses it through the school districts password protected website.
 

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The computer is a marital asset, unless it is a work computer.

Bring it to a computer store and ask a techie to install the key logger.

Disposable phones are easy to get and difficult to trace.
He can buy and download a keylogger online and install it on the computer. No need to make his wife suspect if he bugged it already.

OP, where are you posting this from ? Make sure your wife doesn't know
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
She has other means of communication. maybe a second phone or a different email account.
We have a home phone - and she has a work phone - but she's in a classroom all day. Of course that doesn't mean she doesn't talk to him from her work phone when she's on break, at lunch etc...so that's possible and it's possible she has another email account.

She has told me that she was planning on breaking things off with him before I found out so that we could work on our marriage - yet all the way up until Dday there was no change in the pattern of phone calls.

If she was truly wanting to end things and she was choosing our marriage, I would expect to have seen a decrease in the number of times she called him - but that did not happen.
 
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