So, back in 2011 I almost left my husband. Turns out most of our problems at that time stemmed from him being unhappy at work (so I thought). He got offered a great new job, we moved 4 times & any problems with our marriage took a back seat. But surprise, the problems found us again.
I preface all this with “I married my best friend”. We laughed, we had a blast, we had spontaneous adventures & I genuinely think he is a genius. He taught me so many incredible things. However, he is the worst husband and I felt intellectually inferior. Like he was always trying to win arguments with me. It makes you feel CRAZY.
He avoids any responsibility in the marriage and home. I dealt with the scrubbing, the bills, the cars, the contractors, all the family gifts, all the heavy lifting. But that also meant that I had a lot of alone time, which I liked. We’d meet up for dinner & the occasional trip, but we totally lead separate lives. He has never been my emergency contact, I never relied on him for anything important. I just chalked it up to his high IQ and inability to relate to the world of the domestic. Or maybe it’s by design? Maybe he wormed his way out of everything? I settled into my role & told myself that it was not perfect, but I knew how to keep it stable. Don’t ask him for help, do not engage in the mundane & he will be fun & happy.
In my 40’s, something changed.
He doesn’t like to bathe more than once a week, and even then, soap was used sparingly. He may be on the spectrum. One therapist told me it was him crying out for the unconditional love he never got from his Mother. Gross. I would drink & watch porn to have sex. Always from behind. We never connected, there was no cuddling, it was totally mechanical. No intimacy. I snapped at 40. I could no longer do this. I hated myself. And him for not noticing.
I became friends with a very sensitive gay man. He showed me what a good relationship felt like. He looked into me and knew me & I felt loved & valued. This is the most emotional intimacy I have ever encountered. He died suddenly. My husband did not go to the funeral. He didn’t do much to comfort me. The loss hit me hard. But it also showed me how hungry I was for a connection and how good I was at it, too.
A few months later, I was dealing with something traumatic & dangerous. I was very nervous about it. I never did this, but I asked my husband to please keep his ringer on (it was always off). He agreed. Well, I needed him 4 hours later & his phone was turned off. I called & sent multiple texts & never heard back. When I got home, he did not apologize. He argued with me that his time was too valuable to keep his phone on.
Something in me snapped. I even told him, “whoa. I don’t care anymore. I am done arguing. I am not going to argue about your lack of caring about me again”. It took another year, but I filed for separation & rented an apartment.
That got his attention.
Dozens of hours of counseling, blame all around. Books everywhere. I still feel indifferent. But now we are in limbo. I spend more time in the marital home. He begs me to connect with him. He meditates an hour a day. He used to tell me my emotions, being sensitive, being empathetic was a liability & now he is always touching his chest, leaning in to tell me how he feels about things. Mister loved-to-debate, the same guy who left me at the dentist because he had bad reception, the guy who never noticed anything about me, the house or anything that ever mattered to me, suddenly after 20 years is the most mindful, sentimental soul who ever walked the planet AND he knows my favorite flower, finally, because he put it in his phone (brownie points, please!). And he’s begging me to give it a shot. His therapist is saying that all of the neglect he showered on me was because his parents were mean. I just can’t seem to soften to him & listen. It doesn’t feel authentic in a way that... is from a place of real love. It’s from fear or him trying to prove something. Like... he’s trying to win. He calls me cynical. I just... don’t know. It takes a lot out of me to be around him. His presence makes me so angry. And I don’t know why since he seems to be trying so hard.
I’m fearful. My heart is begging me to get up the courage to leave, but something is keeping me here. I don’t know what it is. Guilt? I know I cannot have sex with him again. I feel like this new empath character is fake.
any advice?
I preface all this with “I married my best friend”. We laughed, we had a blast, we had spontaneous adventures & I genuinely think he is a genius. He taught me so many incredible things. However, he is the worst husband and I felt intellectually inferior. Like he was always trying to win arguments with me. It makes you feel CRAZY.
He avoids any responsibility in the marriage and home. I dealt with the scrubbing, the bills, the cars, the contractors, all the family gifts, all the heavy lifting. But that also meant that I had a lot of alone time, which I liked. We’d meet up for dinner & the occasional trip, but we totally lead separate lives. He has never been my emergency contact, I never relied on him for anything important. I just chalked it up to his high IQ and inability to relate to the world of the domestic. Or maybe it’s by design? Maybe he wormed his way out of everything? I settled into my role & told myself that it was not perfect, but I knew how to keep it stable. Don’t ask him for help, do not engage in the mundane & he will be fun & happy.
In my 40’s, something changed.
He doesn’t like to bathe more than once a week, and even then, soap was used sparingly. He may be on the spectrum. One therapist told me it was him crying out for the unconditional love he never got from his Mother. Gross. I would drink & watch porn to have sex. Always from behind. We never connected, there was no cuddling, it was totally mechanical. No intimacy. I snapped at 40. I could no longer do this. I hated myself. And him for not noticing.
I became friends with a very sensitive gay man. He showed me what a good relationship felt like. He looked into me and knew me & I felt loved & valued. This is the most emotional intimacy I have ever encountered. He died suddenly. My husband did not go to the funeral. He didn’t do much to comfort me. The loss hit me hard. But it also showed me how hungry I was for a connection and how good I was at it, too.
A few months later, I was dealing with something traumatic & dangerous. I was very nervous about it. I never did this, but I asked my husband to please keep his ringer on (it was always off). He agreed. Well, I needed him 4 hours later & his phone was turned off. I called & sent multiple texts & never heard back. When I got home, he did not apologize. He argued with me that his time was too valuable to keep his phone on.
Something in me snapped. I even told him, “whoa. I don’t care anymore. I am done arguing. I am not going to argue about your lack of caring about me again”. It took another year, but I filed for separation & rented an apartment.
That got his attention.
Dozens of hours of counseling, blame all around. Books everywhere. I still feel indifferent. But now we are in limbo. I spend more time in the marital home. He begs me to connect with him. He meditates an hour a day. He used to tell me my emotions, being sensitive, being empathetic was a liability & now he is always touching his chest, leaning in to tell me how he feels about things. Mister loved-to-debate, the same guy who left me at the dentist because he had bad reception, the guy who never noticed anything about me, the house or anything that ever mattered to me, suddenly after 20 years is the most mindful, sentimental soul who ever walked the planet AND he knows my favorite flower, finally, because he put it in his phone (brownie points, please!). And he’s begging me to give it a shot. His therapist is saying that all of the neglect he showered on me was because his parents were mean. I just can’t seem to soften to him & listen. It doesn’t feel authentic in a way that... is from a place of real love. It’s from fear or him trying to prove something. Like... he’s trying to win. He calls me cynical. I just... don’t know. It takes a lot out of me to be around him. His presence makes me so angry. And I don’t know why since he seems to be trying so hard.
I’m fearful. My heart is begging me to get up the courage to leave, but something is keeping me here. I don’t know what it is. Guilt? I know I cannot have sex with him again. I feel like this new empath character is fake.
any advice?