[GB1986]

My wife and I were married at 18, very young. We love each other very much, even now. We made it for almost 8 years before she left me one day. I know it was hard for her to leave because I know she loves me, but I was a mess and took my depression and anger out on her. I wasn't physically abusive, but I was definitely (in hindsight) verbally and emotionally abusive. I never slept around on her but there were definite incidences of infidelity on a smaller scale (getting drunk and kissing other women, inappropriate flirting, etc.). I really regret these things but they are done now. There were a lot of things that led to our separation but the primary thing was just that I was not nice. I have a lot of depression problems and I would get very angry and blame everything on her or our marriage. Even so, I always loved her very much and never wanted it to end...I was just immature and didn't know how to deal with my problems. Next month, we will have been separated for a year. This breaks my heart to think about. We have talked almost every day since she left. We still say I love you every time we talk. She dated for a short time (that I'm aware of) a few months after we separated and--in a sort of a childish retaliation--I did too. But I quickly realized that I didn't want to be with anyone else so I ended it. So the situation, as it stands, is this: we talk regularly. Neither of us is seeing anyone else. Every once in a while, when I can talk her into it, we'll get together and generally get along very well (until it's time to part ways, when it gets very sad). She hasn't said anything about a divorce, really, but she hasn't agreed to any of my attempts to reconsile, go to counselling together, etc. All I want in the whole world is to try to save this marriage. She knows this. But she won't give me much to work with. I know she's confused about what she wants and I'm trying so hard to let her know I love her without pushing too hard or pushing her away and I feel like I'm beating my head against a wall. I love this woman with all my heart. I just get so discouraged because it's been SO LONG. I have no one to talk to. Hence this forum. Am I an idiot for thinking we still have a chance here? I don't know. Any advice? A positive story would be really appreciated. I need some hope here.

 

[NotSoSureYet]

I could so much be your wife in your story. But we actually got divorced. We both dated other people. But we talk everyday now. I know I love him, but don't know if it is how I need to love him to be totally happy. I hope someone can give us both some insight....

 

[millers4691]

You both are still young. There's plenty of time for you to work it out. But, if I may give you some advice, it will be this:

1 - You need to be strong.
In order to rekindle the relationship, you need to show your ex that you are strong and leading your own life well.

2 - You must minimize the amount of contact with your ex. It might seem counter-intuitive but it is actually quite important.

3 - Be flexible to attract ex back. You need to learn how to be a listener. In this way, you will build up new channels of communication and find out about your ex's dissatisfaction.

4 - Develop other forms of entertainment in your life. Remember to take part in activities with your family and friends.

5 - Lastly, be yourself. Remember when your ex was attracted to you and you will attract your ex again.

Hope it helps you to get your ex back

 

[This is me]

The fact is we can only change ourselves and in doing so sometime it changes the situation. If you went for IC, suggested MC with her, and seriously looked to improve yourself and be the best you, it may change the direction.

The fact is you should do this with a grain of salt and you will need to come the the realization that it could be over, so plan for the worst and hope for the best.

I wish you well!

 

[indiecat]

How painful! Is the depression being treated? I would say the only way to win her back is to show her that you a. have treated the depression, and b. you have a positive attitude toward life now.

 

[confused army wife]

I can appreciate your situation. My husband and I were rocky but I brushed it off as stress due to our financial problems. He went away for training for two months. When he came home, he told me that he's been unhappy for the last two years and that he didn't want to be married any more. That's it. I'm still very raw. It's only been a few weeks since he told me. I'm pregnant, due in a month, with our second child. I've started individual counseling. Can't convince him to do the same. He's removed himself "emotionally" from the situation so he "doesn't feel sorry for me". I realize I've been depressed for the last several years. But he doesn't have the patience to give me another chance, to get better, to be myself again. It's too much work he says. He's given me several chances over the last two years. Yes, looking back he has. But what is a depressed person to do when his/her "soul mate" (I believe he is) tells them something you don't want to hear? How am I supposed to fix it if I don't know how? I'm going through a lot in my head. One part of me tells me he's taking the easy way out, the cowards way out. Before we got married I told him that divorce is not an option in this relationship and that he would not get rid of me that easy. I had given him chances to say hold on, delay wedding. Counseling has always been agreed on until now. So, how do I not cry every day? How do I not hurt when he's sitting only a few feet away from me? How do I not wonder who he's talking to on his phone? Why doesn't he want to communicate with me? I understand that he wants a divorce but don't believe it. ... He's giving me a year to get situated and time to make sure things are alright with the baby. Then he's going to file for divorce. So, I'm not sure how to feel now about him living here in the same house. Sometimes I want him there, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I wait up for him to get home from work just to see him. Sometimes I wish it was like ripping a band-aid off, but he's still here. Although, we can't afford any other living arrangements. I have nowhere to go. I just got promoted at my job. I have no family or friends as we are military my family is a day away drive. (Easier said than done.) And the reason for having no friends? Depression, great big fat depression. I plan on using this coming year to get him to change his mind. But, he's already removed himself and put up a wall. He's not easy to change his mind once he made it up.