Am I banging my head against a wall?

2265 Views 11 Replies 8 Participants Last post by KendalMintcake, Nov 27, 2012

Mr. Cellophane

Discussion Starter · Nov 23, 2012

My wife and I have been married for 14 years (we're both mid-thirties) and for the past several my frustration with our sex life together has been increasing. My wants and needs for variety in sex, and for having my needs met, are being ignored.

Over the course of the past several years, sex has gone to a couple times a week. I am actually fine with this as my drive is slowing down, but I am much more HD than her. My big issue, however, is that she has no adventurous side to her, and seems to be completely oblivious to my needs. Sex has very little "quality" to it from my perspective. I want sex to be something for us to explore together, to bring us closer together. The reality is, sex is a constant frustration between us, we have a FAR different ideal of what good sex is/should be. I LOVE pleasuring her, and voice this frequently. My most memorable moments of sex are when she has shattering orgasms.

She had just gotten off of her period the other day, so I teased her, told her that I wanted to go down on her (in more explicit terms

), kissed her, massaged her, told her that she is beautiful/sexy. She says I go too far with this, and she feels pressured by my advances. This ends up turning her off, much to my dismay. When we finally got to bed that night, she was naked before I came to bed, and "ready to go". I immediately hopped in bed and started kissing her, caressing her cheek, stroking her thighs, ya' know...foreplay. I started going down on her, and....NOTHING. I'm ok with this, it happens from time to time. I grabbed her vibe and got her off, but I was a bit dejected. After getting her off, she hopped on me and I got mine. Afterwards I told her, "I have a hard time knowing what you like in bed". She replied, "I don't know what I like."

That line encapsulates sexual frustration for me. She has numerous mental blocks and inhibitions. Sex is "icky", especially semen. Gag Reflex. She hates me touching her nipples. She hates being fingered. She HATES "dirty talk". She doesn't make any noise in bed, other than intakes of breath when I stumble upon what she likes that day (there is NO consistency). I told her I feel like a blind man in a mine-field. I want nothing more that to cross the mine-field to the promised land...but I can't see the mines, and she won't give me directions. I want nothing more than to help her "win", but my partner offers me no assistance.

I have expressed my needs for sexual fulfillment, for attention, to her many times. The frequency with which she goes down on me is only slightly more than that of when I have to renew my driver's license. I have told her countless times that this is frustrating for me. She says it's because it is gross, and her gag reflex gets in the way. What makes this more frustrating is that after she does it (ALWAYS of her own accord, she NEVER does it when asked, she usually laughs at the inquiry), she usually says it wasn't so bad... :scratchhead: She does not engage in any meaningful foreplay for me. Sex is usually her lying there, then telling me to hop on top. She maintains that she loves missionary, that's the best sex to her.

I love my wife, I want to be with her, I want sex to be a powerful, bonding experience for us. I can't help but think that she is selfish in bed, and we'll never have great sex because she isn't emotionally capable of letting herself go to the point that it is possible. We have talked about this numerous times, especially in the past few months. I have made efforts to meet her needs by doing more around the house, trying to do date nights weekly, trying to set aside time for just us (not sexual). She tells friends that I am really helpful and she notices all of my efforts...but I don't feel that I'm getting a concerted effort from her to address my needs.

Ultimately, am I wasting my time hoping that she'll somehow start to care about my needs in bed? I fear that her entire mental approach to sex will subvert any change on her part. I don't want to be a jerk about wanting a BJ, foreplay, direction to help her in bed, but I also don't feel that my needs are any less important than hers.

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kingsfan

· #2 · Nov 23, 2012

I sense you are implying a lot regarding what she is getting out of sex.

If she says sex for her is good, then why question it? You have to trust your spouse. Just because it isn't great sex in your opinion, doesn't mean it's not in hers. So don't question if she's liking it, let her know you are open to communication if she's not happy and leave it to her to express if she's not.

Also, it's possible she doesn't know what she wants. She may be happy with what she's getting and only says she doesn't know what she wants because you are continually asking her questions about it, making her think that maybe she should want something.

Let her figure out her end of things. As long as you keep the communication lines open, you have to trust she'll tell you what she wants/needs. If she doesn't, she's getting what she needs.

You seem to view her sexual pleasure as a goal line and that an orgasm for her is a clear touchdown. You should be viewing it from the angle of her being happy and satisfied. If she's satisfied without an orgasm, who are you to tell she's wrong? Once again, trust her to be honest with you, and if she's quite happy with what she's getting, then so be it.

Your only real issue to deal with is getting what YOU need. Review what you have written here. Of all your complaints, what is something YOU need. Do you NEED to touch her nipples? Do you NEED more frequent BJ's? Is so, talk to her about that and express how it is a NEED for you. If it is, that's fine, because your needs should be expressed and they don't have to be what the world says should be normal. If you have a need to swing from a trapeze bar covered in peanut butter while watching her get off using a dildo, so be it. Just be sure what you are asking for is an actual NEED of yours.

I think if you back off on forcing her to get pleasure when she seems to already profess she is getting pleasure you'll get a more favorable response from her, and it might lead to your needs being met as well in the long-run.

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diwali123

· #3 · Nov 23, 2012

Has she been sexually abused? Raised Catholic?
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Mr. Cellophane

Discussion Starter · #4 · Nov 23, 2012

KF,
Thank you for your words, I very much see your points. I should have phrased things differently (I'm a stream of consciousness writer).

My big issue is that I feel shortchanged on the receiving end of sex. That very much plays into my wanting to be able to do more things with her, but it is mostly about her not putting in the efforts to match mine. I know that a "quid pro quo" approach to sex is quick route to failure, but I want to have more effort on her part to try and meet my needs. I think that the biggest issue is that she is very comfortable with sex being missionary PiV, and not much more. I understand this and am happy to accommodate her with her request for only "vanilla" sex most of the time. Again, my contention is that there is very little variety in sex, and I am not having my needs met (oral, foreplay). I am fine if this is not every time, but I do not like sex being extremely repetitive.

I understand your point about pressing too much to find out what she likes in bed, and asking her to communicate more. I do this in pure sincerity to make it better for her, at least what I THINK will be better for her. I need to be conscious of where she's at with sex and temper this a bunch, as she seems to be perfectly comfortable with what we have.

Thank you for your response, it is well thought out and opened my eyes to a different perspective.

diwali,
She said there was some sexual abuse by a classmate in middle school, but she will not elaborate on it. I do not think that this is something I should pry about. I do not believe she has ever been to counseling for it, and I fear this may negatively affect her outlook on sex. As with most, I don't know how best to approach it.

Religion does not seem to have any bearing on our sexuality, her likes and dislikes are all based on personal choice/experience. She maintains that her reluctance/refusal to perform oral on me is based solely on the taste, gag reflex, "semen is gross". I do not ask that she lets me finish in her mouth, nor has a BJ lasted anywhere near long enough for that to happen, usually only a couple of minutes before she clams up and quits. This seems to be a sign of inhibition winning the battle. I have suggested mints and flavored lubes, but she is reluctant to try. On the few occasions that she has given me oral, I am effusive with praise, I am absolutely beaming, I thank her profusely. I never want her to think that her efforts are unappreciated.

Thank you for your response.

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east2west

· #5 · Nov 23, 2012

Mr. Cellophane said:
diwali,
She said there was some sexual abuse by a classmate in middle school, but she will not elaborate on it. I do not think that this is something I should pry about. I do not believe she has ever been to counseling for it, and I fear this may negatively affect her outlook on sex. As with most, I don't know how best to approach it.

It is extremely common for people married to CSA victims to be in your situation. I think that without professional help there is little chance for things to improve. And with professional help it is still going to be a long and difficult struggle with could very well end in failure. I wish I had something more positive to add.

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StargateFan

· #6 · Nov 24, 2012

diwali123 said:
Has she been sexually abused? Raised Catholic?
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Kind of synonymous questions aren't they ?

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StargateFan

· #7 · Nov 24, 2012

How is she with her hands? From a purely physical sensation standpoint I like a HJ better than a BJ.

My wife is the same way with oral. She only occasionally orgasms and really does not like me going down on her. If she lets me it is only for a few minutes. I also have a hard time accepting that her inability to orgasm regularly or allow me to try does not contribute to her LD. She says she just prefers me in her. This just goes against the majority, but we are all individuals and you have to respect her wishes.

2x a week is very good. Lucky man.

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Catherine602

· #8 · Nov 24, 2012

I have to agree with the other posters.

The only things I have some suggestions.

1. you may not need to be concerned that she does not always have an orgasm every time. It is normal for some women and she may be the same.

2. try not asking her what she likes. By this time, you know what she likes. You want to widen the scope

3. try not to focus so obsessively on her pleasure. You got a lot of it right already :smthumbup:. Don't make such a big deal out of the bj when she does it. Makes it stand out and easy to shoot down.

4. try not to act frustrated when she say no the first time. Just try things in small increments.

I wonder if the abuse involved some exposure to semen. There is a lot you can do to avoid exposing her to semen for now. You sound smart, figure it out.

Take the long view, she may balk at something new but be light hearted. Take it slow and back off a bit. I think you are trying too hard, lighten up.

Things don't change all at once but sometimes in steps that you don't even notice at first.

I am speaking from experience - I was repressed when I first got married. I'm no longer - it's largely due to my husbands attitude and persistence.

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kingsfan

· #9 · Nov 24, 2012

Mr. Cellophane said:
My big issue is that I feel shortchanged on the receiving end of sex. That very much plays into my wanting to be able to do more things with her, but it is mostly about her not putting in the efforts to match mine. I know that a "quid pro quo" approach to sex is quick route to failure, but I want to have more effort on her part to try and meet my needs. I think that the biggest issue is that she is very comfortable with sex being missionary PiV, and not much more. I understand this and am happy to accommodate her with her request for only "vanilla" sex most of the time. Again, my contention is that there is very little variety in sex, and I am not having my needs met (oral, foreplay). I am fine if this is not every time, but I do not like sex being extremely repetitive.

Have you actually told her this, in these words?

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Mr. Cellophane

Discussion Starter · #10 · Nov 24, 2012

My wife and I sat down last night and had another good talk about our marriage and sex. I expressed to her much of what I mentioned in my second post, things like my needs in bed, and my hopes that she can work harder to make more efforts to meet those needs. We have these types of talks very frequently and they serve to ground us and to allow an avenue to one another's perspective. They have been wonderful and emotionally bonding for us.

I expressed that oral is something that I need as I am a VERY physical person according to Love Language. She said that it is more of a want. I told her that it is something that I view as a need, an ultimate sign of affection, of affirmation from her. The act itself is wonderful from a physical standpoint, but is also very powerful to me from an emotional standpoint. When she goes down on me, the act is all about me, it's her putting me first. I said that is a huge form of affirmation for me. I told her that sex is where I can very comfortably express to her my love, I want to pleasure her, to have sex be fulfilling and intimate for both of us.

She says that giving or receiving oral is still a huge mental hurdle for her because of the body processes that happen in close proximity to genitalia. She can sometimes "think" her way past it when receiving, but the hill is MUCH steeper on the giving side. I told her that I understand her stance, but admittedly have a hard time empathizing as I don't have have this hurdle.

I mentioned that I do not enjoy repetitive sex, it's uninspiring, and defeats the purpose of intimacy. She has worked on trying to be more passionate, on being more open, and I thanked her very much for this as I know that small steps are steps in the right direction.

I again asked her to communicate DURING sex, tell me what you want, tell me what is feeling good. I expressed that I know her "Do Not's" more than her "Please Do's". I want to hear those "Please Do's" so sex can be more intimate between us.

I asked her if I should stop bothering her about trying things, about wanting to explore, and she said yes. I said that I was unintentionally projecting my wants for "more" upon her, and that it was unfair. I told her I would not bug her about trying new things unless she wants to.

I asked her what she needs from me on an emotional level and she said that she appreciates the extra efforts around the home, with the children, things like that. What she would like to see more of is me trying to include her in house projects, and trying to anticipate her needs better. I am admittedly poor on both fronts, I was raised with 3 brothers, no sisters. Our communications were caveman-esque. Our emotional interactions, empathy, sympathy, were pretty much non-existent. I said that I never even thought of including her on house chores as an option, I "guy-think" them, see them as a task and get them done, that's what she asked me to do

She said that working together is a strong, emotionally bonding experience. I think this illustrates a bit of the "process driven thinking of women" vs. the "goal driven thinking of men".

In regards to anticipating her needs....that will take a bit more effort on my part, not that I am reluctant to do it, it's a matter of "wiring". Any recommendations for anticipating her emotionally, and non-sexual needs?

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that_girl

· #11 · Nov 24, 2012

It sounds like a lot of work to have something be pleasurable and passionate.

And what I mean is, it's good you talked, but she doesn't seem "in it" sexually. She likes sex, but too much talking about it can ruin it, don't you think?

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KendalMintcake

· #12 · Nov 27, 2012

You seem to be trying to find a magic button that you are going to press that will suddenly transform her into a nympho. It will take time and patience and giving her some comfort. It seems pretty clear that she is under pressure - like when you are trying to figure the me of a song and someone says 'sing it for me'. Unless you are a singer, you likely won't want to bust out a tune, even though you may be comfortable sinking in the showers or wherever. I am sure she can sense your intensity - I can in the post alone! Try getting yourself under control and plan a fun night at a hotel so that she has time in advance to prepare herself and then work on building a comfort level between the two of you first before going down kink alley!
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