[pampered]

Hi Everyone,
I've been married for over 30yrs. I've put up with a lot from him through the years as far as being controlling. He even told me before we were married that he does not like to be wrong and if possible will try to turn it around on the other person. You would have thought I would have seen that red flag but like they say Love is blind. Anyway when we do argue it's usually me who gives in and smooths things over. This time though I don't think I'm going to do that. We have not spoken in 2 weeks now. We did some remodeling in our family room. He did not want to rent another cable box so the TV guy hooked up the TV remotely to the TV in the bedroom. It never worked right and a few weeks ago he came over again to adjust it. He got it working and left. The next day the TV was not working again. I asked my husband what Tom did to fix it and if it was something we could do ourselves. He got off the couch and walked into the den to turn on the TV. Then he went upstairs to the bedroom to do something to his TV. I heard the TV in the den go on so went in to check. There was sound and a picture. I proceeded to go to the stairs and call upstairs that the TV was working. I sat back down in the living room and by the time my husband came downstairs the TV was NOT working. He yelled from the den that the TV was not working and he wanted to see me watch it like this if I though it was working. I got mad since he was screaming at me like I was a child. I told him I was not going to play that game and was sorry the TV was not working but that it WAS working when I checked it. He walked out of the den and said "Like hell it was"!! OK like I'm going to lie about the TV working just to see him come downstairs and get pissed. Later I told him that I do not lie and didn't appreciate being called a Liar. He denied that he called me a liar. but I explained that it exactly what he did when he said "like hell it was". He made another smart ass comment and I left the room. After not speaking for a week I told him he owed me an apology and he said "FOR WHAT??" I told him to think about it and he once again said that he did not call me a liar. I also said I did not deserve to be spoken to like he did and he denied yelling at me too!! :banghead:. So we are still not talking. He is also on a bank board where we have most of our money. The bank Christmas party was this weekend and I did not go because I did not want to play the "happy couple". Well he told me I better get a full time job to help with retirement since I was ruining our retirement fund by not attending the bank Christmas party! :scratchhead: UGH I'm just so tired of it all. I do work part time. I don't think I'm wrong here and really do not want to cave in again. He won't go to counseling either.... because of course it's not his fault. ever!!

 

[Chris Taylor]

First, you sgould have addressed him calling you a liar and his yelling immediately. Not later, not after a week.

Second, you should make an appointment with a marriage counselor and tell him he is welcome to join you but you go whether or not he does. This will show him you are serious about fixing this problem.

And by "fixing", I mean (a) learning to live with him the way he is, (b) learning how to change him for the better or (c) learning how to leave him.

 

[pampered]

Chris,
Thanks for the response. One thing though I did address the calling me Liar that night. I told him about 1/2 hour later when he came downstairs that I do not lie, and that is when he denied calling me liar. It was then that I waited a week to ask again for an apology.

 

[Emerald]

After 30 years of marriage, it would be better for your mental health to stop expecting him to change.

You be the change if you are unhappy.

Like CT said above, go to marriage counseling alone (I did) & you will learn ways to cope with his pissy behaviors.

 

[KathyBatesel]

After the amount of time you've been married, I'd hate to see it go kaput. However, I would never accept living like this, either.

My suggestion to you is something that is extremely difficult to do, but works very well if you can get into this practice.

You need to stop getting hooked into conflict by his bad behavior. I believe most of us have bad behaviors to some degree, and finding the way to strip it of power to hurt our relationships is critical. The way I do it is to stop participating IMMEDIATELY. When asked, "What's wrong?" I don't try to say that I'm fine, but I also don't get into a debate on it. I buy myself time by saying, "I'm not ready to talk about it."

I then get into a thought process that takes me from "I can't believe he did that!" to a state of mine that is ONLY about me. In the event you described above, it probably wouldn't take me very long, but sometimes it can take me a few days to figure out how to express my displeasure without blame. Avoiding blame is the most important part of this, in my opinion. Once I am ready to do that, I will discuss the matter.

"Hon, do you have a minute?"
"Why, what's up?"
"Well, I'm feeling unhappy about something that happened recently, and I think I should tell you what I've concluded."
(He's probably on guard and ready for a fight already, but I don't plan on giving him one.)
"When I told you the tv was working and it stopped working, I understand that you never saw it working and you thought that I was making something up. In my own mind, I thought I was being helpful by keeping you from having to check it yourself. Now that I know you will not believe me when I say something, I've decided that I will not be helpful on things like this again. I just thought I should let you know, because I love you and I want to honor and respect your views, but I can't do that when they're completely different from my own experience."

 

[Bobby5000]

You had a fight over a minor thing, and you wouldn't go to an important party and embarassed him. I think you were wrong on that.

I don't have the whole story, but you seem pretty tough to me. My guess, very little lovemaking, a lot of fighting, quibbling over minor stuff, I'll agree this looks like a disfunctional relationship.