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Sounds like a typical man to me... <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_smile_big.png" border="0" alt="" title="Laugh" >:)</a>
Typical man thought: 'Maybe if I buy her something shiny, she will appreciate how much money I spent on her and hopefully shut up some and put out more.'

Typical woman thought: 'He just bought me this so I'll shut up and give him sex. But its meaningless and it just shows he doesn't even know me!'

Typical man thought: 'Foreplay starts inside the bedroom.'

Typical woman thought: 'Foreplay starts outside the bedroom.'
 

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Your husband is just a clueless sod. Really, 'Here's some flowers. Aren't I thrifty? Sorry your mom died and Happy Mother's Day! Do I get brownie points for being so insensitive?'

The best way to cure him is to treat him exactly the same way he treats you. With no thought and insensitivity.
 

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You cannot ask, or make him change. But ... you can control your behavior, which absolutely can influence his.

What do you do for him, that he either really appreciates, or straight up takes for granted? Make that list. And then stop doing those things.

You know that saying, "Actions speak louder than words?" That cuts both ways.

Some may refer to this as petty, game-playing. I refer to it as ... effective.

It provides you with a platform that he can experience, and then you can relate how his behavior impacts you, and how yours impacts him. He will understand it at that point.

Ultimately, you may have to simply make the decision if the man you have chosen, was the right choice ... for you and what you want out of your life.
 

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Also wanted to follow up with, that often what we want, or need from relationships changes over time. I left my first wife for exactly the reasons you described. There was NO affection. She actually developed a sexual aversion to me based upon some health issues she experienced.

When I was dating, everyone loves the concept and notion of seduction. It's new, it's exciting, unexpected. But I gotta tell you, after being remarried and 5 years into our relationship, and with kids in the house, seduction is utterly lost on my wife. It's wasted effort. All I need to do is say, "You wanna play?" And that is certainly fine by me.

Just trying to offer perspective.
 

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Also wanted to follow up with, that often what we want, or need from relationships changes over time. I left my first wife for exactly the reasons you described. There was NO affection. She actually developed a sexual aversion to me based upon some health issues she experienced.

When I was dating, everyone loves the concept and notion of seduction. It's new, it's exciting, unexpected. But I gotta tell you, after being remarried and 5 years into our relationship, and with kids in the house, seduction is utterly lost on my wife. It's wasted effort. All I need to do is say, "You wanna play?" And that is certainly fine by me.

Just trying to offer perspective.
This isn't perspective regarding this woman. She stated she doesn't like that, so to suggest it works for your wife and what THIS woman wants is lost on YOUR wife is a concept that doesn't apply.
 

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This isn't perspective regarding this woman. She stated she doesn't like that, so to suggest it works for your wife and what THIS woman wants is lost on YOUR wife is a concept that doesn't apply.
I should have been clearer. I was offering my personal perspective in how my first marriage, related to her circumstances. I also had a spouse who had changed from initially appearing to be everything I hoped for in a partner, to being someone who wasn't very engaged in the relationship at all.

In my second marriage, I have a wife who is very affectionate, and distinctly, is never interested in being 'swept off of her feet'. Not making judgments, like I said, just offering contrasts.

Thanks for helping to clarify.
 

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Should a husband put more effort into affection and showing love with actions or am I delusional?
Yes and no. Depends on what the other likes or sees as love/concern, etc. My W like you as described in your original post desires the same attention. To be truthful, it ain't that hard for me. In fact, I want to do those things for my W. She reciprocates.

Your H is probably thinking he is doing everything right. Makes good money and bills paid. Do you have kids? If so, probably thinks he is a great dad(and probably is). However, he is missing the mark. That mark is you. He needs to figure that out because being a good provider and great dad is only part of what he needs to be doing.
 

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He sounds obtuse but sorry to break it to you, there are zillions of men who once they are married, have got the girl, move on to other things because the job of getting a wife, setting up home, getting her pregnant is done and dusted now they want to go out conquer the world and work, earn and take care of the family including the wife.
The days of courtship are over, they have achieved what they wanted. It is sad but it is the way of the world in many marriages. You should listen to podcasts on the Love and Respect website to see what motivates a man.

If there are certain things you need, you have to spell it out, ABC like, do not think he will understand, he will do what he used to do, he cannot guess or figure out through a process of osmosis.
Some men are plain lazy in that department and wonder when the wife walks away from the marriage after years of neglect.
You are still early in the marriage. Sit him down and tell him what you have told us. Spell it out. If he doesn't want to listen then you have a different kettle of fish.
Then say 'Darling, I made it very clear what I needed, it appears you do not want to meet my needs for affection, therefore I am sorry, it means I have no desire for meeting your needs for play either. We can work on this together, if you do not want to I can only assume you have no desire for me and well it will not auger well for our marriage in the long term."
Women are too often the keepers of the marriage, but after years of neglect it wears thin and believe me when I tell you menopause changes the whole dynamic as you will no longer want to be the keeper of the marriage, you wont care. So try and resolve this now.
If necessary go for counselling on your own. I honestly think your H is just being a typical male. You may even have to tell him exactly what you want. Ask him for the money, see the gift and say I want that one. Many men need to be told, they do not have time to guess what makes you happy. The men on TAM can give you alot more insight.
She needs no more insight than what you have written. You nailed it here. Nice post.
 

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Now this has come full circle.

DW has told me I'm a bad gift giver but a good attention giver, just not in the presents department.

I asked her to tell me what to get for her whenever, she complied, I get what she says, that problem was solved long ago.

So one proven concept is a man can pay attention to the love, touching, and caring items (and not just sex) and still not be able to acquire good presents.

Perhaps train him more about "not stuff" but the important acts of paying attention to you, which he may understand more easily.

Yes, I know it's not about the presents, but that's why I'm focusing beyond the material.

Back to the basics; good communication is king.

There is one "niggling" undercurrent of possibility here, is there a chance H may reach the "why are you hassling me" stage and think W may be ungrateful?

If he's old style, works hard, faithful, counting on W to hold tight while he's slaying a few dragons he wasn't counting on to keep food on the table, and she throws about words like "you're not there for me" that could be taken as a betrayal and cause a new series of problems.

One always has to be careful what one wishes for. It may happen quicker and without warning, one's perceived control of a situation could be built on shifting sands.

Just different perspectives thrown out here. No judgments.
 

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You cannot ask, or make him change. But ... you can control your behavior, which absolutely can influence his.

What do you do for him, that he either really appreciates, or straight up takes for granted? Make that list. And then stop doing those things.

You know that saying, "Actions speak louder than words?" That cuts both ways.

Some may refer to this as petty, game-playing. I refer to it as ... effective.

It provides you with a platform that he can experience, and then you can relate how his behavior impacts you, and how yours impacts him. He will understand it at that point.

Ultimately, you may have to simply make the decision if the man you have chosen, was the right choice ... for you and what you want out of your life.
It is petty and will only drive a deeper wedge. He is likely clueless and thinks he is doing nothing wrong, and lets face it women don't always make things clear. Thus so many men are blindsided when wives ask for a divorce or take up company with another man. I can tell you, my first priority after marriage was taking care of our new family and some of that meant dating was not financially feasable especially with small kids. It didn't mean I didnt care or was not attracted, I was just trying to be responsible...

But there are other ways that likely he isn't aware of that if he knew or understood, he would do. But he needs some communication on understanding what makes her tick and that she feels neglected or what have you.
 

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Well, as I'm fond of saying; sometimes you need to break things some more, in order to fix them.

There is no wedge for him ... he isn't even aware there is a wedge. Nor could he claim to being blind-sided if she chooses to walk. She indicates that she has brought it up, over and over.

A man not hearing (or caring) what a woman is saying, is certainly not an equivalent of she didn't say it.

Like I said, petty? Maybe? Will it get results? Absolutely.

Respectfully, I think folks contributing are getting a sense of inevitable writing on the wall based on a few posts. I hope Elise provides some additional details about the dynamic with her husband.
 

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Ultred, this isn't about some people. It's about the man's wife. There is nothing difficult about gift-giving for anyone actually. It simply takes a little bit of consideration.
I am thankful that you offer your perspective, but to state that it is no different for anyone sounds pretty farfetched. As someone who has probably bought gifts for more women than you have, I will state that they aren't a homogeneous lot.
 

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He sounds obtuse but sorry to break it to you, there are zillions of men who once they are married, have got the girl, move on to other things because the job of getting a wife, setting up home, getting her pregnant is done and dusted now they want to go out conquer the world and work, earn and take care of the family including the wife.
The days of courtship are over, they have achieved what they wanted. It is sad but it is the way of the world in many marriages.
Well you don't hate men at all, do you?

If you ask a straight man which clothes look good on a young attractive woman, he might be able to summon an opinion. If you ask him which look good on Judy Dench, you might as well ask him what color sound is.

Further, if I bought something that would look good on my wife when she was young, it had a chance of going over well. If I buy the same thing for her now, I am likely to get "I am too old to wear this." So if I buy her something "sensible" I will get "So you think I'm old."

It really isn't the same ballgame it was back then.
 

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Indeed.

Look, @elise.marie, you seem to be married to someone who doesn't care to hoots about you or your child.

Your mom died, just before mother's day, on your son's birthday and he just goes off to work as if nothing had happened? wtf:

I mean, who does that kid of thing? Certainly not a husband.

I would suggest that marriage counseling might be of assistance, if that sounds like something he'd be amenable to?
The thing that stood out to me immediately is that the OP is only 25 years old - and says she's been married for 6 years. I'm left to assume that there were a few years of dating before the marriage so we're looking at two teenage kids who committed way too early, married way too early, had a kid way too early, and not surprisingly, he's already showing signs of burnout. I mean, it ain't rocket science.

He's giving minimal effort (not surprisingly) because he sounds like he's on auto pilot. He was tied down WAY too young. Call me sexist all you want folks, but men just don't do so well in today's world when they commit in their teen years and are married fathers by the time they're in their early 20's. Don't get me wrong - that doesn't absolve him of his responsibilities, but you can't make him feel something he isn't feeling. And a marriage counselor isn't going to magically change how he feels either, but it's as good a start as any at this point.

I agree that this has nothing to do with presents.
 
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