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Discussion Starter #1
I'm prepared to walk and have appointments with an attorney next week but also feel I need to make one last ditch effort to make things work. I got to thinking that we had never discussed the possibility of things becoming an issue after children. I am guilty of assuming because he expressed similar beliefs that our lives would naturally change after we had kids I changed and he stayed the same. In my effort to end the dysfunction I came up with a list of the kinds of things I would like to be taking place in my home. Maybe some people can tell me if I'm asking for way too much? I'm aware if he is not willing to meet my expectations there is someone out there that will, in the meantime I know I could be an excellent single parent. Anyway here is what I'm asking of him. If he is as he claims and not an addict I don't see anything out of reach on my list.

1) Our children’s best interest comes first and is what should be the most important aspect in our lives. Our actions are something they will emulate and as parents we need to be model citizens
2) Getting drunk or glorifying the drinking in front of the children is not acceptable. Drinking a few beers or having an occasional drink is acceptable. This does not mean drink 2 Tilts and a beer nightly I believe 3 nights a week is plenty.
3) Smoking marijuana in the presence of the children is something I am not willing to tolerate and I am willing to take the steps necessary to remove it from their lives completely. Just to clarify when G is playing in the back yard and you go to the front yard to get high this is considered the children being present. After they are in bed that is fine, at the start of bedtime routine is not fine. As bothersome as it may be this behavior should be limited to after they are asleep.
4) Mixing booze and pot is something that should be done on very rare occasions and never around the kids.
5) I know that life at home is sometimes stressful and understand you need a break but please try to limit your you only time to one day per week.
6) On your “you” day if you call and tell me you’ll be home at 8 I expect to see you home at 8 and not have to start pestering you to come home at 9 and have you finally show up 3 hours later drunk and baked.
7) Continue to financially support the family the way you are you’ve been doing great even if we don’t have a lot of luxury.
8) With the money you’ll be saving from not buying beer every night, it would be nice if you would use that money to do something nice with me once a month without the kids. Or even consider using that saved money to take an extra day off and spend it with the girls and I doing something fun.
9) I’d love for you to put some effort into being sober when we go on family outings. As much as I love driving our car it would be nice for you to be able to safely take the wheel from time to time.
10) Stop asking me if I want to have sex. Wanna increase my libido pick up after yourself, I find that more erotic than anything else you do. Besides it would be nice to not find the milk jug sitting on the counter at 3am.
11) Make sure you tell me you love me everyday and then show it
12) As guilty as I am at times too, have enough respect for me to stop calling me derogatory names.
13) If you say something expect me to believe it and stay true to your word.
14) I’d like to start turning the TV off one night a week and spend that time reconnecting as a family and after the kids are in bed as a couple. I’d prefer a sober night.

If his claim is true I'm not asking too much am I?
 

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Point number 11. Do you really want someone to be obligated to tell you they love you or do you want him to tell you on his own volition?.
 

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Yeah I agree with Free, #11 is a bit much, you should only say you love someone when you feel it.. not because you feel obligated.

Other than that, nope your list is not too much to ask. Your guy sounds like he will be heading to rehab soon.

Does he absolutely have to drink and smoke? What happens if he doesn't get his fix?
 

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Discussion Starter #4
I see your point I need to word #11 better, he says it plenty but his actions show otherwise. Something more along the lines of "when you say you love me, mean it, don't say it because your trying to convince us you really do."

I'm not sure how he is without his fix the only day where he didn't do one or the other in the past 7 years was when I gave birth to our first daughter. The second one he was resentful, hateful and angry he started a fight while I was in labor; my guess is so he could go get baked, but I could be wrong too.
 

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He's an addict. No it's not too much to ask but he isn't going to be able to quit on his own and I don't think cutting down or not mixing the two is going to be possible without a commitment to sobriety. A lot of the other things will fall into place if he gets sober. I think seriously you need to ask for him to start going to treatment.
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Discussion Starter #6
My family agrees, I agree and his family agree he is an addict. Should I take into consideration an intervention? Would it be wise to involve his family? There is a lot of dysfunction and drug addiction with his family and being in California many of them believe its their medicine. His mom recently has gotten sober again after and alcohol relapse after 20 years of sobriety. My dad is a former alcoholic and almost 30 years sober. We have a pretty good support system my family knows I just suck it up a lot of the time but is also willing to support us through this difficult time, even financially if needed.

He also used meth for about 3 years when he was in his early 20's but stopped as he claims on his own. He's pushing 30 and this is not the guy I want to have anymore.
 

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#1 and #11.

#1, counter-intuitively, the husband and wife should be number one in the relationship. It's better for the kids actually. they will be more grounded in reality, less entitled and will see what a relationship should be like. check out his needs her needs and love busters from DR Harley

#11 - I dont think you meant it the way you wrote it. It sounds like he is not speaking your love language... this was a big eye opener for me about a year ago. check out the 5 love languages

Those three books, my wife quitting a job that was causing depression and turning off the tv and actually spending time together saved my marriage overt a year ago

The first thing that must happen is taking care of the addiction though. That is going to be a tough road.
 

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That's a good list. I would add that you need to take the very top priority with this. In other words negotiate from a position of zero tolerance as he is an alcoholic and drug addict. It is clear to me that he has no self control or is aware or takes responsibility for how his behavior is negatively affecting others around him. IMO I feel you would like to not have any of this type of behavior in your children's lives and would encourage you to say that. Zero, nada, zip, none, no, never, fo'get about it.

He will always be pushing the boundaries of your acceptance and you have to ask yourself if this is something you can tolerate. eg- "sorry honey it was just a little slip up" etc.

In the end you cannot control his behavior you can only control your own.
 

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If he doesn't quit the booze, nothing else on the list will happen.

I'm really sorry because I see you trying to save your marriage. I hope he agress to rehab or AA & quits drinking.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
I realized tonight that I nag at him about almost everything on this list regularly but I feel I shouldn't have too. Just watching him live the way he wants to live makes me unhappy and question if I could possibly let him have any visitation with the children. I'm not sure if its worth trying anymore. The 2 year old loves him so much but this negativity in our relationship it taking its toll on mine and her relationship. I'm sick of her always asking me whats wrong...I'm sick of bearing the brunt of all the household responsibilities. I'm sick of not having a functional life.
 

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YOU go to al-anon in the meantime. Learn how to cope, and what you can do. Learn how to take care of yourself in spite of him. It's doable.
 

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I realized tonight that I nag at him about almost everything on this list regularly but I feel I shouldn't have too. Just watching him live the way he wants to live makes me unhappy and question if I could possibly let him have any visitation with the children. I'm not sure if its worth trying anymore. The 2 year old loves him so much but this negativity in our relationship it taking its toll on mine and her relationship. I'm sick of her always asking me whats wrong...I'm sick of bearing the brunt of all the household responsibilities. I'm sick of not having a functional life.
Imagine a life where his behavior is not your main focus or concern. When you get up every morning and empties and pot are not lying everywhere. You don't have to be concerned that his every waking hour is spent wasted. That is a life you deserve for you and your children. Place the responsibility for creating the life you want firmly on your own shoulders. Take action for creating that life for yourself today. Realize he will not take responsibility for this as he would have done so by now.
 
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