[SadSamIAm]

I need a life outside my business and family. My children are getting old and in a couple of years they will all be done high school and will be on their own.

I moved away from my 'home town' to go to school. The 'close' friends that I had growing up all live a long ways away from me.

The past 30 years, I have spent my time building a business and a family. My social life has been for the most part, going to kids sporting events. I know many guys from work and from these sporting events, but I don't consider any of them 'friends'. Not guys that I would call to go to a movie or out for coffee. I play squash in a men's league and have met many guys. We have a good game, we have a couple of beers afterwards, but I would never call any of them to do something outside of squash. They are acquaintances, but not really 'friends'.

I know my father was the same way. He spent all of his time with family and with work. He had no real friends. When they retired, it bothered him that my mom had friends and would always be going for coffee or shopping with her friends.

Am I normal? How do grown men, get friends?

 

[MaritimeGuy]

I'm the same as you. I'm interested in hearing what others have to say.

 

[Hicks]

Normal

 

[rj700]

Pretty much same here. Kids sporting events, other fathers from boy scouts, but no real contact outside those activities.

We socialize with other couples in the neighborhood. Some of the guys get together every other month or so to play poker, but that's about the extent of it. Other than that, I'd say I have one really good friend, but we probably only go out a few times a year. My W's world is centered around the kids too. She knows more people, particularly other moms, but they don't go out together or gab on the phone.

I don't really feel left out or lonely for other male companionship.

 

[In_The_Wind]

Normal

 

[iamsofaking]

Normal.

 

[Chris Taylor]

Normal, but only to a degree.

You get out to play squash... what do those other guys do? Do they do anything outside of work, family and squash?

 

[anotherguy]

I am surprisingly similar.

You know - I know a bunch of guys... friends of friends, old friends etc who are the opposite. Thee are constantly going out with the guys, stripclub, golf, cigar smoking types. These are the guys that are forever at the local eagles/sonsofitaly/mens clubs. Guys that maybe never left the town they grew up in. For the most part - these guys are the ones with troubled or broken relatonships. Not always, but a high %.

I also know (fewer) guys who are a little more in the middle of the road - gragarious guys who have lots of friends and still do some of the going out with the guys but not nearly as much as the first group I describe - but are also generally happy professionally and personally/family-wise.

Me - we get together maybe twice a year for poker. Once or twice a year for golf... maybe a football game or 2... but really the overwhelming bulk of my time is spent working at work or doing domestic stuff at home with the kids and family. I can count on 1 hand the number of close guy friends I have. Shrug. With 2 kids younger than 10, thats just the way it is for me. Maybe that will change in another 15 years when we are heading towards having an empty nest.

You are right though same for me... my dad was more like I am (or I more like him, rather). He spent his life working and being a family guy mostly. I definitely learned to admire him for that as I got (much) older - I see him now as the biggest hero in my life. When I was young I thought he was kind of a stiff - though I respected him no doubt about it. I guess maybe the nut doesnt fall that far from the tree.

I dont mean to elevate a 'personal failing' into a virtue here. I think I could, should, do a better job cultivating friends - but I also think balance is important, and I still feel that my family and my job are at the top of the list at the present stage in my life. Though I am not intentionally 'setting an example' for my kids, i do see that my family and work ethic is undoubtedly something I picked up from dear old dad and if I can be 1/2 the father he was - i will be lucky indeed.

sorry of I got off track a little bit... dad died about 5 years ago and I get all weepy about it - but I notice how everyone remembers him for the same sorts of things I do, and admires him for it.

 

[SadSamIAm]

Normal, but only to a degree.

You get out to play squash... what do those other guys do? Do they do anything outside of work, family and squash?

I have been playing with these same guys for maybe 8 years. I know their names, where they work. I know a bit about their families, but not much. They are quite a bit older than me (in their 60s and I am not quite 50). We go out for a beer and wings after we play on Tuesday nights and we talk about hockey or football or politics. I consider them acquaintances, but not real friends.

I am actually golfing with one of them tomorrow. He is a financial consultant and asks me to do things from time to time, but I am pretty sure his main motivation is for me to buy some investments from him.

I had a few friends from high school that I would consider best friends. I went through a tough break up just after graduating high school and I poured my heart out to one of my best friends (best man at my wedding).

Just seems that after marriage/kids, it is very hard to find close personal friends like you had back in high school. The only guys I know that have very close personal friends are those that didn't move away and have the same friends high school/college.

 

[MaritimeGuy]

I think the point about balance is important. I would think if you spend every weekend golfing with your buddies and going out for drinks in the evening it's going to take away from your life with your wife and kids. On the other hand if you never do it that too probably impacts who you are and oddly may also take away from your wife and kids. The trick is to find the right balance. Of course on this matter for me it's a case of "take my advice...cause I'm not using it".

 

[MaritimeGuy]

Just seems that after marriage/kids, it is very hard to find close personal friends like you had back in high school. The only guys I know that have very close personal friends are those that didn't move away and have the same friends high school/college.

I feel like I get busy with work and family for long stretches of time such that when I do have time to get together with friends I've neglected them for so long I'm embarassed to reach out to them.

 

[SadSamIAm]

I am surprisingly similar.

You know - I know a bunch of guys... friends of friends, old friends etc who are the opposite. Thee are constantly going out with the guys, stripclub, golf, cigar smoking types. These are the guys that are forever at the local eagles/sonsofitaly/mens clubs. Guys that maybe never left the town they grew up in. For the most part - these guys are the ones with troubled or broken relatonships.

I also know (fewer) guys who are a little more in the middle of the road - gragarious guys who have lots of friends and still do some of the going out with the guys but not nearly as much as the first group I describe - but are also generally happy professionally and personally/family-wise.

Me - we get together maybe twice a year for poker. Once or twice a year for golf... maybe a football game or 2... but really the overwhelming bulk of my time is spent working at work or doing domestic stuff at home with the kids and family. I can count on 1 hand the number of close guy friends I have. Shrug. With 2 kids younger than 10, thats just the way it is for me. Maybe that will change in another 15 years when we are heading towards having an empty nest.

You are right though same for me... my dad was more like I am (or I more like him, rather). He spent his life working and being a family guy mostly. I definitely learned to admire him for that as I got (much) older - I see him now as the biggest hero in my life. When I was young I thought he was kind of a stiff - though I respected him no doubt about it. I guess maybe the nut doesnt fall that far from the tree.

I dont mean to elevate a 'personal failing' into a virtue here. I think I could, should, do a better job cultivating friends - but I also think balance is important, and I still feel that my family and my job are at the top of the list at the present stage in my life. Though I am not intentionally 'setting an example' for my kids, i do see that my family and work ethic is undoubtedly something I picked up from dear old dad and if I can be 1/2 the father he was - i will be lucky indeed.

sorry of I got off track a little bit...

I could have written this myself.

The guys with 'good buddies', spend more time drinking and carrying on and do have more problems

My wife and I have been having some issues and I have been trying to do a 180. Much of this is to look after yourself. Go out and do things for yourself. I just find it hard to do, as I don't have any real 'friends' to hang out with.

 

[anotherguy]

I could have written this myself.
The guys with 'good buddies', spend more time drinking and carrying on and do have more problems

My wife and I have been having some issues and I have been trying to do a 180. Much of this is to look after yourself. Go out and do things for yourself. I just find it hard to do, as I don't have any real 'friends' to hang out with.

see? your not a wierdo. OR.. maybe you are but you are not alone. ;-)

You got anybody? Brother? Anybody similar age with kids you know?

Man - its hard to start from zero. Someone you can watch MNF with at some cheesy bar every week?

 

[Ten_year_hubby]

I need a life outside my business and family.
...
How do grown men, get friends?

Just a suggestion, call the local Boys and Girls Club in your area and ask them what you can do to help. Get involved helping other people and you will have plenty of friends

 

[Enginerd]

Normal. Only single guys have friends.....

 

[Stonewall]

same here you are normal

 

[waiwera]

WOW.. when i read sadsams post I thought... is that my husband?
But after reading the responses... my husband could be any of you

What is with this.. ?. :scratchhead:

Are you 'happy'? Whatever that means to you.

 

[94nole]

I see you as doing what responsible husbands and fathers do. In my opinion, your focus should be your wife and your kids and then your business. Especially if your life haven't finished high school. I know that high school kids and parents don't generally spend a ton of time together...but you don't want to be off on a golf course or drinking at a bar with your buddies when your kids or wife needs you. Just my opinion. "No success in life can compensate for failure in the home."

 

[bribrius]

i think most guys might be somewhat antisocial.

i am to some extent, i will go out and play golf or out on the lake or ocean with friends from time to time. Have a few beers and relax kind of thing.

but i dont have any friends i see or talk to on a daily or even weekly basis.

 

[husbandinneed0910]

SSIA I think it is normal. I am the same way.