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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm pretty sure I may have posted about this a long time ago and if so I apologize for the duplicate topic, but I just need some advice on how to handle my spouse's CONSTANT barking of orders. Please do not get me wrong. I always do my fair share around the house and take the initiative to handle things that come up. What is happening, and has been happening for a long time, is that my spouse constantly asks me to do things. I cannot sit down for a few minutes or do something else that I am working on without hearing her yell my name and then "can you.." or "will you.." or "please do this.." or "I thought you were going to do..." It is getting so annoying. I don't do that to her. Am I a pushover for allowing this to continue? I feel like she's my boss and I'm her employee. I don't feel like marriage should be that way. It's hurting how I feel about her. I brought this up to her the other day to ask her if she was aware that she was doing this. She basically brushed me off. So things continue. I literally spent several hours out in the yard doing some cleanup yesterday and 5 minutes after I come inside to sit down and rest she comes over to where I'm sitting and asked why I was sitting down. Other times when I'm trying to have down time she's coming over saying we need to talk about another vacation. We just took a vacation last month and it nearly broke us. She asks every day and even gets to the point where she says I can't play XBox or watch TV until we have a plan in place. I just don't know what else to do. I feel like if I say no it's going to blow up big time and I'll be sleeping on the couch. Any ideas?
 

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The only thing that seems to change is the date
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·

The only thing that seems to change is the date
Yeah, exactly. The behavior hasn't changed.
 

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Ugh, that has to be so suffocating to live with someone like this, OP. But she does it because you let her. I wish it was more complex than that or there was some magical answer to fix the issue, but you just have to discuss with her how you feel and that you don’t appreciate being ordered around.

If she doesn’t respect that, maybe counseling? Maybe a separation?

She may be unaware of how this affects you because you always do what she asks/demands. Telling her no might cause tension but it’s necessary for your own peace of mind.
 

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Yep, reread your previous threads and actually apply the advice you were given previously.

At the end of the day though, being as conflict avoidant as you are. If you're not willing to do anything about it, then nothing will change for you.
^^^THIS^^^
You got a lot of good advice the last time around. Not doing anything except coming back here and whining about it will leave you in the same boat. Quit your whining and take some action.
 

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Ugh, that has to be so suffocating to live with someone like this, OP. But she does it because you let her. I wish it was more complex than that or there was some magical answer to fix the issue, but you just have to discuss with her how you feel and that you don’t appreciate being ordered around.

If she doesn’t respect that, maybe counseling? Maybe a separation?

She may be unaware of how this affects you because you always do what she asks/demands. Telling her no might cause tension but it’s necessary for your own peace of mind.
She's aware.
 

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There’ve been a couple threads on this. You said you were close to the end over six months ago. She’s still the same and you’re still there. Stand up for yourself or accept this is your life because … you know.
 

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Yeah, exactly. The behavior hasn't changed.
Your behavior needs to change too.

We get what we tolerate OP.

Keep tolerating it and you can make another post a few years from now too.

You can go to counseling for yourself. There are many things to read like No More Mister Nice Guy and it's free online, pdf versions to download.

You should really start with that book first.

Good luck to you going forward.
 

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Am I a pushover for allowing this to continue?
Yes.

I brought this up to her the other day to ask her if she was aware that she was doing this. She basically brushed me off.
Well of course she did. As long as you remain in doormat status, she'll continue to wipe her feet on you.

...she's coming over saying we need to talk about another vacation. We just took a vacation last month and it nearly broke us. She asks every day and even gets to the point where she says I can't play XBox or watch TV until we have a plan in place. I just don't know what else to do. I feel like if I say no it's going to blow up big time and I'll be sleeping on the couch. Any ideas?
So "mommy" is threatening to take away your XBox or tv viewing privileges unless you obey her commands. Got it. Even if it means going broke, you will acquiesce like you always do.

Meanwhile, you are afraid of incurring her wrath.

My idea is this: YOU are an integral part of the problem in this mother-and-son dynamic. You can man up, tell her to f-off, and give her an ultimatum: It will require you to shelve your current beta status and take charge.

Your life. Your choice.
 

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I don’t know if pushover is exactly the right word but you’ve got to change the marriage dynamic. I suggest changing it through communication and not passive aggressiveness.
Ex- have a conversation with wife that the way she speaks to you is disrespectful and needs to stop. Need to speak to each other as husband and wife. She is not your mother. If she feels things around the house are not getting down on time or need to be figured out then suggest a time one day a week to discuss household issues once and that’s it unless a true emergency arises.
Make it clear that you do not desire to vacation with your mother!!
OP, I know you have received a lot of advice on this already. It’s hard to change marriage dynamics sometimes when stuff has gone on too long. You can’t keep going the way you are and expect a happy marriage. You’re going to have to do the hard work. See a counselor to help you with communication and communicate with your wife. If she chooses to keep the status quo and not come along then you’re going to have to draw the line in the sand.
 
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