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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
My wife left me on Friday and took all the kids with her (We have 4 children together, 18, 15 , 12 and 10) . Its been a while coming and we were on a cusp of fixing or failing, but she caught me putting a keylogger on her computer and decided that was the last straw.
Here is the background. We have been married 22 years and have been together for 3 years prior to that.

About 10 years ago she had an EA with a man, a divorcee who very fortunately didn’t reciprocate and take advantage so it never (as far as I know) developed into a PA. I was blind at the time and didn’t see the signs that were obvious in hindsight. We went to marriage counseling and reconciled. But still all the time she complained that I, all the time was controlling and she felt constrained. In many ways its true. She is very bad handling money and I keep her to a budget. (she manages her own accounts as she pleases but I only put the agreed budget into it).

Over 3 years ago I had to move to Canada to start a new job. She remained behind with the children for 18 months for her to complete a Masters degree she wanted to do. At this stage I trusted her enough to leave her to do it. After the being autonomous for 18 months (during which she also overspent the money I had left in the account under her full control) she again felt that I was over controlling when she came to join me in Canada 2 years ago. Within a year of coming here she again had an emotional affair. It lasted a couple of weeks and she (claims she) stopped it herself just as I was discovering it. I was much more aware . I found some of the facebook chat they had where she was disparaging me to the OM.

This pained me terribly as I had sacrificed much to have her stay and complete her degree while I moved across the Ocean, seeing her only 4 times in the 18 months. She used to be short sighted I agreed that she could have expensive Lasik surgery, and within a month of that she was into the EA. This was over a year ago. I felt very betrayed and I did become more of a jerk because of it. I trusted her less and she resented the fact that I was checking up on her. I had her Hotmail and facebook passwords but lately she has been becoming more and more insistent that spouses should have some spheres of privacy in a marriage. She treats that as if it is a basic axiom and the normal state of affairs that no sane person can contradict.

So she had been feeling more and more put upon and “controlled” and a colleague of hers (her boss in fact) put her onto the “landmark forum” and she attended a weekend seminar and subsequent evenings. I read up about Landmark and became more concerned and I didn’t want her to attend the advanced course. (about another $1000 that it would put us out of pocket.) Her job is part time and so here income is very low and I would have to stump the money for this and I refused.

She has also often stolen money from joint accounts behind my back when she thought I would not find out. When I did find out she said that I didn’t give her enough in the budget. Its what we agreed but she then claimed she was too scared of me to ask for more. Besides, the cash flow is marginal now anyway so there can’t be more available.
One of the consequences of the landmark seminars is that she was encouraged to open up about her past sins to people she has wronged in the past. One of the things I got was that she had another EA just 2 years into our marriage with a work colleage which progressed to kissing and cuddling in the basement (and out of sight) office where he worked. This was not volunteered to me but only revealed when in the midst of an argument about her most recent EA I asked if she had any other secret liasons that up to then I was not aware of.

This was rather shocking to me and of course I started to thing that I had been trickle trothed and their must be more. I have still insited on monitoring her e-mail, phone and facebook and she became even more adamant that that is an invasion of her privacy that no normal couples should do. I had asked her to write a confession or a timeline to help me get to the whole truth and help me believe that she wanted to now be honest and transparent. The reason I asked her to write it is because I thought it would be easier for her to do than to tell me face to face. This she refused to do. I checked one of her chat sessions and found out she had bounced this request off a friend who has just come out of a messy marriage and divorce. (the ex husband was a real control freak who refused her contact with her own family) The response from the well meaning friend was “NO NO NO NO NO, he just wants to use that confession against you and take it to his lawyers)

Using this information I asked her if she was talking about our problems to her friends. She said “no”. I asked if she was talking directly to this divorcee saying that she is not a good foil to talk to given her sad history and obvious biases, she again said “No!” An outright lie to me and I told her so.

Things have gone downhill from there and now she has left me since she found me putting a keylogger on her (shared with childrens) computer. I wanted to check on the children too. This to her was the last straw for her and she moved out on Friday while I was at work. She did it in a deceitful manner acting all warm and loving until she dropped me off at the office.

Am I a chump or have I driven her to this action by being too hard on her.

P.S. she may well find this post herself as she is aware that I have been reading TAM. Clumsy and careless of me leaving the computer open with this page up, just as I was clumsy with the keylogger. It seems her insistence on privacy does not limit her from looking at what I am doing on the computer.
 

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DWM

No. You were not too rad on her if everything you I'd and she did are accurate.

Have the wife return the kids and tell her she is free to go.

Then get a good lawyer and protect your kids and assets.

She should have been grateful instead she tricks you in the end.

Your wife is a coward.

HM64
 

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Time to lawyer up.
Every time people complains about privacy invasion is becuase they had a different agenda. Period.

She's a serial cheater, she overspends, she steals money... of course every time you put your foot down or enforce pretty reasonable boundaires it f0cks her wish for freedom (freedom to cheat without interference).

Nothing you did sounds controling but very apropiate self protection.

She knows damm well.
 

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Discussion Starter #7 (Edited)
As a parting shot she called the cops on me to get them to explain that in spite of her leaving she has the right (apparently in Quebec) to have full access to the (marital) house even as she has left. She is staying with a friend of hers nearby and says I can have fair access to the kids. I brought them back to visit today. They prefer to stay with their mother for now. I feel betrayed by my eldest son who helped his mother pack and move stuff out.

P.S She classifies my "controlling" as emotional abuse. I have had a temper (I have never hit her) but I do shout loudly. She had a very domineering father (Stepfather as it turned out which she didn't know until after our wedding).

I am also looking for Opinions on the LANDMARK FORUM. Is it healthy for self development and relationships. It seems to have helped bring things to a head.
 

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You have a wife who has hid at least three affairs from you, yet who expects you to trust her completely and believe everything she tells you. She is self-centered and entitled.

Apparently she believes that it is OK to cheat if you don't like how your spouse is treating you.
 

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Time to move on, my friend! Way too much circumstantial evidence and just way too many red flags. Her priorities have now changed into procuring "stange stuff" for her own personal pleasure!

Kick her to the curb, do "the 180," get a lawyer ASAP, and get custody of those kids.

And it's rather apparent that she doesn't even have a leg to stand on. After all, it's painfully obvious that they've both been up in the air!
 

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Discussion Starter #11
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It's apparent that she doesn't have a leg to stand on. After all, it's painfully obvious that they've both been up in the air!
I still do not believe that. She has had EA's and gone past the boundaries of marriage but not as far as intercourse.
 

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I never understand how a spouse can quesion their actions when they KNOW they've been lied to.
Let the cheating thang go dude !!
Hell, tell her you want DNA for all the kids

Here you are a mature sane man, and as much as you have been lied to, do you really expect a thang like her to fess up.

Now think, would you expect to be believed if you was caught in lies time and time again ???
So that show you right there she think she can do this walking and you will come around, since you let her get away the other times without consequence.

Dude, she's an OLD WOMAN with kids, who wants that for more than some jumping jacks.
You on the other hand, are still the MAN, with a good job, so you won't have any trouble replacing her.
Let her grow old alone, with cats to keep her warm.

If it was me, I would have walked the first time.

Polygraph her butt if she wants to be believed.

Lying, cheating, and stealing, but she wants privacy. privacy is for using the bathroom. She wants to be able to start more affairs.

Oh, if she is using your shared CC, or debit card, you better move fast before she clean them out.
If she steals during good times, just think what she will do in her screwed up thinking now.

How in the heck does she think she deserve privacy giving her past history ??

When she contact you, tell her you are getting a lawyer to find out what your rights are if any of the kids are not yours.

I would'nt believe anything that came out of her lying cheating mouth.
When they admit kissing, you find out later it wass full sex, so don't believe anything she say.

Stick o your guns.
 

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Dude, there ain't a thing the cops can do if you change your locks. That is a civil matter. And until a judge tell you to give her a key fock her.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
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Oh, if she is using your shared CC, or debit card, you better move fast before she clean them out.
If she steals during good times, just think what she will do in her screwed up thinking now.

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Funny you should say that. We have a joint account in Ireland. She told me (as she was leaving) she had taken the debit card and withdrawn $400. Thanks for the warning, I checked the account online the next day and found out she had withdrawn another $400 (320 euro). I reported the card stolen so that they stopped it but I now have to arrange to have the account frozen. That account is a buffer that services a mortgage for a house in Ireland and loses money at around $800 per month. The rent does not cover the mortgage and insurances. The kicker is that that house is in her name.! The house in Quebec is in my own name only. This is a complication, but in a way she is stealing from herself.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Dude, there ain't a thing the cops can do if you change your locks. That is a civil matter. And until a judge tell you to give her a key fock her.
As the cops she called told me, apparently it is a crime in Quebec to change the locks on a separating spouse. They said I could go to jail for that.
 

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As for your son, I'm too unfeeling to advise on that.

I once cut my oldest son out of my life. When he got his butt out of prison, you bet he understood what I was telling him.
For almost 7 yrs he was dead to me.
You don't eat my food and disrespect me.
Yeah way too many young people bite the hand that feeds them.(financially as well) Most disrespectful and ungrateful thing you can do.
 

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As for the Ireland house, letting her lose it would save you some dollars since you won't have to make up the difference.
 
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