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Discussion Starter · #82 ·
I’m late to this thread….. wanted to say ditto to the poster that said you need to stay vigilant when a spouse carrying on like you’re husband has abd is agreeing with you……

actions. Watch his actions. No interest in the bedroom? No interest in planning trips or nights out with you (spending real tine with you as a couple)???? Then your relationship is NOT ok, for whatever reason. But I wish you luck.
We resolved that problem as well like a storm! We’re how we used to be, but more mature this time. We couldn’t get our hands off of each other when we first met. Thank you!!
 

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We resolved that problem as well like a storm! We’re how we used to be, but more mature this time. We couldn’t get our hands off of each other when we first met. Thank you!!
Very happy for you. I hope you will post in a few weeks and say that everything is going well and your family and you feel while again.
 

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Discussion Starter · #84 ·
That's a wonderful development! Good on you for acting to nip this **** in the bud now. Keep it up and stay on course, though. After a bit of doing it, he may very well get complacent.
Thanks TXTrini! This is mostly because of you guys, everyone here, who continuously encouraged me to trust my gut feeling and get to the bottom of this. I’m certain that we’re still in the same **** if I didn’t talk to you guys! Thank you!!
 

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Thanks! No you’re not being rude at all. It was absolutely maddening to hear and read their interactions. I eventually completely lost my cool, said many ugly things I had in my mind to him. We were on the edge of irreparable marriage crisis. We were so furious at each other. He was mad at me not being able to trust him, and I was losing my mind because I couldn’t make him see what was happening. We really blew it all up one time (had to whisper-scream because it was after our daughter went to sleep ;)), but it had to be done.
He agreed with me at the end, and he’s done helping her. She did call him last night but he showed me his phone screen and made a nervous face and didn’t answer it. He’ll have to explain why he can’t help her anymore at some point jus to be decent, but I don’t think we’ll be seeing her like we used to anymore.
Be on high alert OP. Don't become complacent now. Your husband IS without question in an emotional affair with this woman and acting as her white knight and saviour. A very difficult habit to break when these "white knights" know the "damsel" is still in distress and calling out for her "champion" to "rescue" her. The numerous long phone calls and all those texts and constant contact shows a deep level of connection between them that I don't believe either are going to give up so easily as you seem to think. She relies on him heavily and has her hooks in deep, and he seems addicted to rescuing her from her problems, and I don't for one moment believe they're going to let it go, just like that, just because you're uncomfortable and acting "irrational" over their "platonic" friendship.

They're likely going to take this underground, because she still needs him so badly, "needs savings" and he still wants to "rescue" her. And, regardless of what your husband is telling you right now, he still feels this way, and thinks you're overreacting. He's placating you. And any outside influence you get to apply pressure to end this? Well, those people missunderstand too, because clearly they're viewing it through the lense of what you told them you think is going on, and your perception of their "friendship" is tainted by mistrust (ie: jealousy).

She's very emotionally needy where your husband is concerned and not going to walk away quietly, and I doubt he'll so easily "abandon" her in her time of need (which it seems, is always). She "needs him" and his "help" and "support". And he truly wants (and prob even feels he needs) to be there for her. He's been putting her needs and feelings above yours, and your marriage, even after you made it known to him you were uncomfortable with it, to the point of you having to bring in outside help to try and set him straight. They're like a couple of drug addicts, and very, very few addicts quite cold turkey when confronted. They just learn to hide their addiction better from those who may be hurt by it.

I mean, they're "just friends", right? You just don't understand. They're "friendship" is missunderstood. And clearly you have it all wrong and have "trust" issues. So, to save you from stressing unneccessarily, they'll need to take this on the down low, for your sake, you see?

It's a slippery slope your husband is on, and if I had a dollar for every time I've read a "were just friends" and I'm offering emotional support to a coworker explanation written, I'd be rich. They end up being/becoming physical relationships. Even if its not physical at this point, all the signs are pointing in the direction, that it will be. You may think the age gap, or your husband's "looks" mean that hasn't or will never happen, but you'd be so very wrong. This and other infidelity forums prove it happens ALL THE TIME. The strong emotional bond and deep connection they share should wipe the notion right outta your head that it won't get physical, even if neither went into it with that intention. They always say they NEVER intended for it to be that way. One thing led to another and before they knew it, it "JUST HAPPENED"

Not sure if anyone has recommended, Shirley Glass' "Not Just Friends" book to you. You need this book! And you need your husband to read it with you and get it through his thick damn skull that what he's doing is NOT in any way ok, and in no way acceptable for a married man to act if he wants to stay married! This "friendship" needs to be completely severed and ended, now! No "letting her down easy" by "easing out of it slowly"!

Done...Finished....Over! No contact!!! She can go see a therapist if she needs an ear to listen to her problems, or her family or a girlfriend if she needs a shoulder to cry on! How your husband reacts to this will tell you a lot. If he becomes pissy and resentful with you it speaks volumes on which woman in his life is his priority. On the flip side, if he acts all fine with it don't let your guard down. Either way I think they'll take this underground. Remember, its time to go into stealth mode. Eyes open, mouth shut, and put your detective hat on. I think your gonnna need it.

Good luck, OP. I wish you well.
 

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Thanks TXTrini! This is mostly because of you guys, everyone here, who continuously encouraged me to trust my gut feeling and get to the bottom of this. I’m certain that we’re still in the same **** if I didn’t talk to you guys! Thank you!!
You're welcome. I wish I'd come here when it started in my marriage, maybe I wouldn't have wasted 10 years of my life.

I think you should pay attention to what NorthernGuard said above and be proactive and vigilant keeping him in line until you're sure he didn't just take it underground and gotten more shady with contact. I.e. calling her when he's not home when he can't be observed.

I see the same mechanics, rescuing a damsel in distress to boost a weak ego. So be careful and don't you get complacent either and drop off your part of the marriage (sex).
 

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The only thing I can suggest now is, since it appears to be nipped in the butt. Just move on from it. Dont bring it up in the future during an argument or as a guilt trip.

I say that because a good friend of mine does this to his wife and she does it to him. As an outside viewer, I can tell they aren't going to last another year or two.
 

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I think what happened to your husband is that he lost his identity when he stopped being a cop. So I think he's grateful for anyone who helps him hold on to that a little and makes him feel useful like the job did. I think maybe he needs to find another job where he feels useful like himself, even if it turns out to just be volunteer works.
 
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If I ever see her again, I will do that. But the chances are very small!
Yes you're probably right that YOU won't be seeing her anymore. But your husband? I highly suspect he will be seeing her. You just won't be told about it. It'll be their little secret. I missed the part you wrote about the recent lack of sex in your marriage. This doesn't bode well for you, and what's been going on with them, I'm afraid. That along with her emotional neediness and clinging to your husband, and your husband's white knight syndrome? Not good. Don't fall for this sudden turn around by your husband and sweep this under the rug thinking all is well now because he's having sex with you, paying you attention, and she's (supposedly) gone from your life. I believe even more so now, regardless of the attention your husband is now showing you, that you need to keep quiet and keep a watchful eye open.

Act like as far as you're concerned, after he goes no contact, that it's done with and over. Let them get comfortable again thinking they have you convinced they don't interact anymore. Get a couple of VARs (voice activated recorder) and hide one in his car, and one wherever he talks most in the house (for when you go out and he's home). That's likely where and when he'll talk to her seeing as he can't do it in front of you anymore. You need to know the truth of what you're dealing with. Please don't make the colossal mistake of thinking it's all good now because you and your husband talked it out and came to agree on boundaries. Doesn't mean squat.

Cheaters involved in affairs, be they physical and/or emotional, lie and manipulate, alot. They're also secretive and deceitful, and love to gaslight you. And men especially are very good at compartmentalization. They take things underground when busted outright, or even if they're just called out for innapropriate behaviour and boundary crossing by their suspicious spouses. And yes, whether your husband (or you) believes it or not. He IS cheating on you. The only question is to what degree. Emotional cheating is still cheating.

If you wanna get some VARs let us know and we can recommend what ones and how you go about installing them so they're not discovered. These are for your own personal use only and never to be revealed. You never reveal your sources of info. They're not for use in court proceeding or for anyone other than you to listen to, to be able to confirm if this "friendship" is well and truly ended, or what it entails.
 

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I don't see where I can edit my post so just wanted to clarify that the sentence after I wrote that men are good at compartmentalization, where I write "they take things underground, etc" makes it appear as though I'm still talking about men. I should have used the word "cheaters" instead of "they", as I was referring to cheaters as a whole, not just men, there. Hope this makes sense lol.
 

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Discussion Starter · #92 ·
I think what happened to your husband is that he lost his identity when he stopped being a cop. So I think he's grateful for anyone who helps him hold on to that a little and makes him feel useful like the job did. I think maybe he needs to find another job where he feels useful like himself, even if it turns out to just be volunteer works.
Yes, he really did. He was a cop for 15 years, that’s a big chunk of one’s life. He wanted to do something important and was very good at it. He has a university degree, while nobody in the dept did, and he knew how to talk to people who were in extreme distress, saved many people’s lives. He used to get cards from people all the time. He said when he was helping her, he felt useful. He had a vision of how the dept would be when he became the chief; community oriented, closely working with the mental health professionals, zero use of physical force.. etc, but he couldn’t take the stress anymore, a lot of stress came within the dept and the police culture. He said he was lonely as a chief, dealing with emails all day.
He often says he might be damaged forever, and it’s heartbreaking. I think there absolutely should be more resources and direct support for the police officers’ mental health but there isn’t, one has to really seek for it. They are living with PTSD just like many soldiers do.
Sorry, I went on a tangent here! I’m really hoping that he can find a peace in his mind.
 

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Yes, he really did. He was a cop for 15 years, that’s a big chunk of one’s life. He wanted to do something important and was very good at it. He has a university degree, while nobody in the dept did, and he knew how to talk to people who were in extreme distress, saved many people’s lives. He used to get cards from people all the time. He said when he was helping her, he felt useful. He had a vision of how the dept would be when he became the chief; community oriented, closely working with the mental health professionals, zero use of physical force.. etc, but he couldn’t take the stress anymore, a lot of stress came within the dept and the police culture. He said he was lonely as a chief, dealing with emails all day.
He often says he might be damaged forever, and it’s heartbreaking. I think there absolutely should be more resources and direct support for the police officers’ mental health but there isn’t, one has to really seek for it. They are living with PTSD just like many soldiers do.
Sorry, I went on a tangent here! I’m really hoping that he can find a peace in his mind.
I know. I was fully invested in an old career of mine and underwent a really big depression when that was over. It's not that I didn't have some other identities but that was my priority for decades. It left a huge void. When you have your whole life tied up in something and a living and breathing it and then it stops, it's just rough.

He had a really tough job with lots of complications and in an era when it's tougher than ever before. It was his dream and vision and he did it. I hope he comes to a place where he can hold on to that he did do it and did accomplish it and own that. But he's going to have to find something else to do that also fulfills him.

Do you know if he's had any ideas? I mean even something is small and simple as being a boy scout leader or youth counselor might help him and them. Some retired police get into security or become a private detective. He might even consider a different branch of law enforcement such as border security or Homeland Security. I don't think he's going to be able to sit around and do nothing without getting himself in more trouble!
 
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Discussion Starter · #94 ·
I know. I was fully invested in an old career of mine and underwater a really big depression when that was over. It's not that I didn't have some other identities but that was my priority for decades. It left a huge void. When you have your whole life tied up in something and a living and breathing it and then it stops, it's just rough.

He had a really tough job with lots of complications and in an era when it's tougher than ever before. It was his dream and vision and he did it. I hope he comes to a place where he can hold on to that he did do it and did accomplish it and own that. But he's going to have to find something else to do that also fulfills him.

Do you know if he's had any ideas? I mean even something is small and simple as being a boy scout leader or youth counselor might help him and them. Some retired police get into security or become a private detective. He might even consider a different branch of law enforcement such as border security or Homeland Security. I don't think he's going to be able to sit around and do nothing without getting himself in more trouble!
He actually works as a TA at a school, with students with special needs. He loves it. He always said he should have been a teacher while he worked as a police. He loves the positive and cooperative environment the school has, he was so happy when the staff said “Good morning” to him when he went there the first time! I think it’ll take him a while to get used to not being the boss but I know he appreciates the whole different level of humanity. The students like to talk to him so much that they are asked to be quiet by other teachers sometimes.
 

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He actually works as a TA at a school, with students with special needs. He loves it. He always said he should have been a teacher while he worked as a police. He loves the positive and cooperative environment the school has, he was so happy when the staff said “Good morning” to him when he went there the first time! I think it’ll take him a while to get used to not being the boss but I know he appreciates the whole different level of humanity. The students like to talk to him so much that they are asked to be quiet by other teachers sometimes.
That's great that he's already found something he loves. It does seem like that would be enough interaction and drama to where he didn't need anymore.
 

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Insecurity is a ugly thing.

He hired her

He left her to the wolves

He feels responsible and guilty for abandoning her.

I get it, I was over my guys in the service. Leadership puts you in the position of caring for those under you. It doesn’t end when you leave, especially when you left someone behind in trouble.

You just made him break one of his core valves, being there for someone in trouble. Congrats.

Was he cheating?

Or

Was he being there for someone in trouble?

Like I said, insecurity is ugly.
 

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Discussion Starter · #97 ·
Insecurity is a ugly thing.

He hired her

He left her to the wolves

He feels responsible and guilty for abandoning her.

I get it, I was over my guys in the service. Leadership puts you in the position of caring for those under you. It doesn’t end when you leave, especially when you left someone behind in trouble.

You just made him break one of his core valves, being there for someone in trouble. Congrats.

Was he cheating?

Or

Was he being there for someone in trouble?

Like I said, insecurity is ugly.
Oh really? I don’t see it that way at all. And, I don’t appreciate your sarcasm. Don’t congratulate me if you’re not sincere. They crossed the line of being professional. He needed to move on, and she could, too. He was suffering. Have you ever asked your wife to drive you to the ER because you thought you were dying?
 

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Oh really? I don’t see it that way at all. And, I don’t appreciate your sarcasm. Don’t congratulate me if you’re not sincere. They crossed the line of being professional. He needed to move on, and she could, too. He was suffering. Have you ever asked your wife to drive you to the ER because you thought you were dying?
I couldn’t ask really when she did take me. I couldn’t put the words together. I then collapsed in the parking lot when we got there.

No sarcasm on my part.
 

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Was he cheating?

Was he having sex with her?

Was he telling her what he wanted to do to her if they ever did get together?

Did he ever proclaim his undying love for her?

Or

Was he trying to help her like I do with my own daughter and a few of her girlfriends. You see these girls never had a father figure. Then over the years I kind of started being that father figure. One of them actually had me talking to the guys that asked her out like I did with my own daughter.

Friends we care about, we actually ask them if they are ok when they are going through troubled times.

Your jealousy and insecurity is the issue. Why do you believe your husband would cheat?
 

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Oh really? I don’t see it that way at all. And, I don’t appreciate your sarcasm. Don’t congratulate me if you’re not sincere. They crossed the line of being professional. He needed to move on, and she could, too. He was suffering. Have you ever asked your wife to drive you to the ER because you thought you were dying?
Glad to see you're not gonna take the insult. As they say, take what you need and leave the rest. Emotional cheating is cheating! And just read Shirley Glass' book, "Not Just Friends" (and also the many numerous posts on this and other infidelity forums) to see how this scenario (loose and innapropriate boundaries with coworkers of the opposite sex) plays out on all too many occasions.

If you reversed this situation and it was your husband here making this exact same post, about you, in the exact same scenario with a younger male coworker, I highly doubt he'd be being told he was "jealous" and "insecure"! Good grief!
 
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