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So. he didn't think there was anything wrong with spending two hours on the phone with the girl that he could have spent with you and/or your daughter? Does your husband really not have a life?
He also said it was a bit old-fashioned of me to be upset over him having a female friend.
Don't buy into that attempt to shame you. She isn't his friend - she is using him and your husband feels flattered. I can guarantee that your husband would be seething if he saw you talking to another man for two hours, inviting him over for dinner and expecting your husband to entertain him.
 

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I did ask him exactly that, if he would do the same for a male officer, and he said he would absolutely do the same. I also asked him if he’d support me had I done the same for a young man, and he said he would.
But, I mean dudes don’t really get into to this type of situation, and they wouldn’t keep someone else’s spouse on the phone for two hours, and they wouldn’t have come see him crying. One male officer does call him, but it’s always short.
HERE'S THE THING: your husband is telling you what you want to hear. What is he going to say? You are right and I am giving this woman too much attention? He is not going to do that. I'm not saying he is cheating. I don't know. I will say that this is EXACTLY what my husband did while he was pursuing women. He would agree with whatever I said. He would tell me he was working hard, doing his best, mentoring, making important contacts. He would make me feel like the jerk for questioning him. He was, after all, such a good guy and just trying to do his best for his family and his coworkers. You are looking for answers, and he is going to tell you want you want to hear. That will allay your fears for a time, but they will come back. You can't force your husband to come clean (mine never did even when presented with material evidence of an affair) and maybe he does not even see that there is something to come clean about.

I want you to remember that many people will use whatever space their partner gives them to keep guilt off their own conscience. My husband used my insecurity and temper. I would get mad because he was not present in the marriage, and he would make me feel like it was all my fault because I got mad. That gave him the space to continue, as I would feel horrible because I lost my patience with him and work to get back into his good graces. As it turned out, he was not present in the marriage because he was looking for my replacement. I had reason to be mad. He took those things and made me feel horrible - this took the guilt off him and basically made it all look like my fault and that I was a little nuts. My point is, you are not crazy. You feel something is missing and you are reacting to it..

Good luck.
 

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Does this woman also text or email, message your husband? If she does, ask your husband for his phone so you can see the messages for reassurance. (Take the phone on the spot, don't give him time to delete stuff) If he is decent and not doing things he shouldn't be, he will let you go through his phone. If he starts to argue etc etc etc that's not a good sign. We may all need some reassurance once in a while. Someone who is doing nothing wrong shouldn't have a problem with that. My ex husband needed reassurance a couple of times during our marriage, I gave him my phone, ipad, pc. He had all my passwords and I had his. I checked his just once after he had worked away, and he checked mine twice in 11 years.
 

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Discussion Starter · #64 · (Edited)
Does this woman also text or email, message your husband? If she does, ask your husband for his phone so you can see the messages for reassurance. (Take the phone on the spot, don't give him time to delete stuff) If he is decent and not doing things he shouldn't be, he will let you go through his phone. If he starts to argue etc etc etc that's not a good sign. We may all need some reassurance once in a while. Someone who is doing nothing wrong shouldn't have a problem with that. My ex husband needed reassurance a couple of times during our marriage, I gave him my phone, ipad, pc. He had all my passwords and I had his. I checked his just once after he had worked away, and he checked mine twice in 11 years.
Thanks. He actually had told me to look at the text exchanges when this all started back in around September of last year because he was trying to tell me how appreciative she had been, but I really didn’t feel like doing that. It felt too invasive, and it still does. But maybe perhaps, I’ll ask him to show me the exchange now, as you said, for reassurance.
He said people whom he trusts including his dad and the pastor, are telling him that he’s doing the right thing by being a positive figure in the ladie’s life and having her over for dinner and such, but they do not know that our marriage is not in a great shape right now, and I don’t believe he’d ever share that with them.

It makes me rather sad because it feels like he’s taking an advantage of my lack of support or friends and chooses not to see the prospective if the situation flipped.
 

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Discussion Starter · #65 · (Edited)
Last night, he said we should talk and asked if this could be reduced to a trust issue, if it could be all about if I trust him or not, I said, no it could not be reduced to only that, it is more about him getting so involved in the drama while his own mental health is still fragile and not taking my concerns seriously and pretty much ignoring me. That ended up with me reading the text exchanges he had with her. There have been nearly everyday encounter, most days more than once, between him and her since the mid-August. The content was mostly his constant "Hey, I'm just checking in. How're you doing?" or "Do you have time for a chat?", invitations to go to church or for a walk, and her letting him know how scared and sick she's feeling, complains after complains of the people who she deals(works) with, and him commenting on them in the condescending ways. They are like teenagers *****ing about some people they dislike. My name was mentioned only twice by him out of about hundred days worth of texts. He tells her how excited my daughter gets after she sees her, and lets my daughter text with her. There was one message when he said "we love you lots", I don't think he meant "we" with me in it. I could tell he absolutely cares so much about her...

I told him he broke our trust, and I was disgusted, called him a name, which I regret. I laid on my couch awake all night, crying a few times. I was so sad, and he still denies that he has feelings for her, they were just friends. WTH is wrong with him?

I was just too concerned about those messages, there are red flags all over the place, so I called his Dad this morning, and we spoke. It was the first time I talked to his Dad about my H this way so he was very surprised, but he was happy that I was comfortable talking to him and advised to talk to the pastor, who knows all of us.

I think this is really damaging to my daughter, too. She said "I don't like when you fight..", and she's seen us argue enough times. That is what bothers me the most.
This is too much to handle, and I really need help...
 

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Yikes. While he's not "cheating" per se, he's certainly prioritizing this relationship despite your concerns, and that's a problem.

Who typically initiates the texting? Who is the one checking in? There is ZERO need for him to initiate if he is just a sounding board for her constant drama, or being her mentor.

At this point I'd tell him that he needs to cut this way back, or you'll have to start making hard decisions about your life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #67 · (Edited)
Yikes. While he's not "cheating" per se, he's certainly prioritizing this relationship despite your concerns, and that's a problem.

Who typically initiates the texting? Who is the one checking in? There is ZERO need for him to initiate if he is just a sounding board for her constant drama, or being her mentor.

At this point I'd tell him that he needs to cut this way back, or you'll have to start making hard decisions about your life.
He is always the one who says, “ Hey, I’m checking on you. How’re you doing?”
I did talked to the pastor, and he said my concerns are valid, and he agreed that the boundaries seem to be missing, and he’ll talk to my H. Meanwhile, he asked me to not get angry at my H and try to be a listener for him, which I will try my best but extremely difficult,
 

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He is always the one who says, “ Hey, I’m checking on you. How’re you doing?”
I did talked to the pastor, and he said my concerns are valid, and he agreed that the boundaries seem to be missing, and he’ll talk to my H. Meanwhile, he asked me to not get angry at my H and try to be a listener for him, which I will try my best but extremely difficult,
When you had your discussion with your husband (before you read the texts), did either of you talk about your lack of sexual intimacy and connection? Because that is a huge piece of this, I believe. You have acknowledged in your earlier posts that you both want and need that connection, but no one is making the effort to restart the intimacy.

What could be happening is that without that between you, which is what makes a marriage more than "just friends" to eachother, he is getting his emotional and intimacy needs met by interacting with this other woman and being there for her and feeling special to her.

At the same time, you are feeling ignored and pushed out (because you are), and you are losing your connection to eachother. And I believe there is an inherent danger here without the sexual part functioning the way it is supposed to between two loving partners.

Sex might be the very last thing on your mind right now, but it could be that your MARRIAGE needs you to both engage and connect sexually with eachother again.
 

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He is always the one who says, “ Hey, I’m checking on you. How’re you doing?”
I did talked to the pastor, and he said my concerns are valid, and he agreed that the boundaries seem to be missing, and he’ll talk to my H. Meanwhile, he asked me to not get angry at my H and try to be a listener for him, which I will try my best but extremely difficult,
When I read your posts, it seems that nobody feels this is urgent except you. Your H is being way too measured about it, and seems the pastor is too.

My take is that this isn't the pastor's job. It's your husband's job to help his wife feel safe. He's not doing that, and it's kind of pathetic that it would take a pastor to convince him. But hey, if that works, great.
 

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Discussion Starter · #70 ·
When you had your discussion with your husband (before you read the texts), did either of you talk about your lack of sexual intimacy and connection? Because that is a huge piece of this, I believe. You have acknowledged in your earlier posts that you both want and need that connection, but no one is making the effort to restart the intimacy.

What could be happening is that without that between you, which is what makes a marriage more than "just friends" to eachother, he is getting his emotional and intimacy needs met by interacting with this other woman and being there for her and feeling special to her.

At the same time, you are feeling ignored and pushed out (because you are), and you are losing your connection to eachother. And I believe there is an inherent danger here without the sexual part functioning the way it is supposed to between two loving partners.

Sex might be the very last thing on your mind right now, but it could be that your MARRIAGE needs you to both engage and connect sexually with eachother again.
Thanks, yes we talked about our lack of sexual intimacy and disconnect. And, he insisted that problem has nothing to do with his support and friendship for her. But, I don’t know if I buy that. His messages to her and from her have so much more affection than the ones to me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #71 ·
When I read your posts, it seems that nobody feels this is urgent except you. Your H is being way too measured about it, and seems the pastor is too.

My take is that this isn't the pastor's job. It's your husband's job to help his wife feel safe. He's not doing that, and it's kind of pathetic that it would take a pastor to convince him. But hey, if that works, great.
I hope he would wake up but I have a feeling that he won’t, and I’m the one who will have to continue to work on this and struggle.
 

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Discussion Starter · #72 ·
I think we’re okay now, and I once again would like to thank all of you who reached out to help me and support during one of my loneliest times.
Both of us became quite angry at each other, however in the end, we decided to walk towards each other instead of walking away from it.
MyH agreed that he was consumed by his old job and now realizes that the relationship with the officer became more unprofessional because he didn’t actually work with her and needed to have more boundaries.
He agrees that we can not protect her from her life and is a huge responsibility to be her family away from family as she thinks we are when she is under so much stress.

You know what? I think this actually brought us closer, and I’m actually grateful for that. After 20 some years of marriage, we’re definitely still learning. Thanks everyone!!
 

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Kind of a long background story- my husband and I have been married for 22 years. We have one daughter, a pre-teen. Both of our interests are to do the best things for our daughter. We have differences in our personalities but very similar perspectives about life and value, but we often argue about so many things and lately I feel lost. After living in the US, I feel like I should have a close friend who I can talk to, but living in the small town makes it difficult to meet people whom I can spill my guts out without backfiring myself, and I can’t afford to pay for a therapist.., so here it goes.

We met in the dorm of a university where I was studying in the ESL program and he was majoring Japanese. We fell in love and decided to live together in Japan while he was there as an exchange student and came back to the US and have been here since. We live in a small town in NY where he grew up. I work from home in health care, and he switched his career last September. He has worked in a police dept. for 15 years but the tremendous stress from the job was effecting his health, so he finally left the very toxic environment and started working in a school district, which he loves very much.

He really never left the place, though… He still gets calls and texts from the people at his previous job as they are very unhappy with the situation there now. One officer in particular was treated so poorly by the superiors that she came to see him in tears. My husband, of course feels responsible and tries to console and give advices whenever asked for, sometimes legal advices with a phone call lasting for two hours…. I have been trying to be a supportive wife and listen to him and tell him that I care about his own emotional well-being as he says that listening to them drains and takes him back to those dark years. He defends that they need my help and can’t turn them away, so we try to be their friends and invite this officer for dinners or just to hang out. I know he would help any one of them equally if they needed, but he had a special interest and saw so much potential in her when he hired her, so he naturally shows great sympathy towards this officer. I’m just there making foods for them, sitting and not say much as they often end up talking about the difficult situations she’s in and general complains about her work. He encourages her to find another job as she would excel in any other field, but since it was her childhood dream, she doesn’t want to give up, and he realizes his limitation on helping her, as he characterizes her as self-righteous and yet naive. But, as most cops are, they are addicted to adrenaline. As much as it takes a toll on them, they get high from the rush and by talking about how crappy it is, they are re-living the drama and gives them the excitement. That’s my observation on why he keeps talking to her about all the problems although I may be way off with that assumption.

Anyways, my daughter worships this officer and talks about wanting see her all the time, and my husband highly speaks of her all the time. He told me that someone from the church he goes to asked if she was his wife - I’m not a Christian and do not go to church service, and he jokingly said he should have said he wished, this 7 foot-tall with double major Goddess was my wife! I’m not jealous of this officer, I don’t think he’s attracted to her romantically at all, he thinks I’m crazy when I tease him about it. But it is true that he’s paying more attention to her and shows quite a bit more respect to her than me, and that hurts.

We used to do more things together as a family, but things are starting to fall apart. We do have good conversations sometimes, enjoy watching shows on tv, spend time with his parents, sister & her partner, but those are pretty much the only things we do together at this point. We have not had an intimacy for months, he’s interested in playing his saxophone, smoking his pipe and going to church, while I’m interested in rock music, skateboarding, photography and playing electronic music. He supports my hobbies but does not take over chores so I have time to do what I like to which I’ve been resentful for a while, but the routines have not changed even after he changed his job and have more time. I lack my vocabulary and articulation when we have an argument, and he loves to argue. All these 20 plus years, I’ve said things I regret and acted the way he did not deserve, and I’m not sure if there are any feelings left for each other.

He says I need a friend, and it’d be nice if I had a friend. All my close friends are in Japan. I am friendly, but I don’t go around and ask people if they want to hung out. It’s not easy to make friends as an adult in a small town when you look like a foreigner, and most people your age have established circle of friends already. I like talking to people I work with, but I don’t have any contact with them outside the work. It’s not my nature to talk about my personal problems with my co-workers either.

I apologize for randomness of this post, and I’m not sure if I’m looking for any advices, but I needed a place to share these feelings without paying $300/week. Thanks for reading!
I am seriously not trying to be rude. But I feel like you know exactly what is going on and are in complete denial.... This lady comes into your home, they get high off of conversation, and you are cooking for them????

Sit him down and say you left the job because of the horrendous stress. Why are you still subjecting yourself to this? You owe them nothing ! Let them use their mental health crisis hotline or pay a therapist themselves.

Also tell him this lady makes you feel extremely uncomfortable and she is no longer welcome in my home.

This smells to high heaven of emotional affair stench.
 

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Discussion Starter · #74 · (Edited)
I am seriously not trying to be rude. But I feel like you know exactly what is going on and are in complete denial.... This lady comes into your home, they get high off of conversation, and you are cooking for them????

Sit him down and say you left the job because of the horrendous stress. Why are you still subjecting yourself to this? You owe them nothing ! Let them use their mental health crisis hotline or pay a therapist themselves.

Also tell him this lady makes you feel extremely uncomfortable and she is no longer welcome in my home.

This smells to high heaven of emotional affair stench.
Thanks! No you’re not being rude at all. It was absolutely maddening to hear and read their interactions. I eventually completely lost my cool, said many ugly things I had in my mind to him. We were on the edge of irreparable marriage crisis. We were so furious at each other. He was mad at me not being able to trust him, and I was losing my mind because I couldn’t make him see what was happening. We really blew it all up one time (had to whisper-scream because it was after our daughter went to sleep ;)), but it had to be done.
He agreed with me at the end, and he’s done helping her. She did call him last night but he showed me his phone screen and made a nervous face and didn’t answer it. He’ll have to explain why he can’t help her anymore at some point jus to be decent, but I don’t think we’ll be seeing her like we used to anymore.
 

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You should show her a link for online psychologists and tell her he's got to get back involved with his family and is out.
 
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Thank you everyone who gave me valuable advices and just let me have a headspace to clarify things.

Last night after my daughter went to sleep, I asked if I could talk to him, asked him to be completely honest, and I may say things that he might not like. He knew what it was about. We agreed on few things and disagreed on other things, but I was very straight forward about what bothered me and stuff seemingly got between us. And, the fact that our marriage was not at the prime and was time for a serious repair.

He denied any romantic interests for her and said in his view, there is absolutely no correlation between her situation and my concerns but seemed to understand his ability to help her is making him feel good and useful. He also said it was a bit old-fashioned of me to be upset over him having a female friend. He did agree that the lady seemed to like being in a drama. I'm really not sure how this is going to be next time I see her or calls him, he said she was in a relationship with her co-worker, also.

I think this was a good place to leave for now as I was starting to feel that he was being resistance to my observation (assumption, in his words). I believe I planted a seed by stating my very strong reservation about this lady. I'm going to trust him and his judgement, honesty has always been one of our strengths.

This forum gave me a perfect place to reflect my feelings, learn how to approach our core problems, and just to talk anonymously to someone, and I truly appreciate it.
You seem perfectly normal and reasonable, but somewhat naive. Having a 25 yr old woman on the phone all the time and over at his house so much that his daughter has become attached to her—there’s your dead giveaway that this is inappropriate. If your daughter is getting attached— OF COURSE your husband is. Forget what he says. “We are just friends” is classic BS. Look at his ACTIONS. He’d rather talk and
time with her than you……
He always has time for her…,,,How about you?

What I suggest is this:
Blow up his world by filing for divorce. Force him to act like a reasonable person, force him to start pursuing you. Force him to CHANGE his attitude toward you and rebuild your marriage. And if he won’t, carry through with the divorce. A long term pattern of behavior is it going to change in a person without some trauma.
Last of all (I’m uninterested in excuses) if he’s not having sex with you, he’s getting it elsewhere or has a major health/psychological problem. Either of these is a divorcible situation. I’m in no way trying to encourage divorce, only suggesting you use the threat to force him to deal with the situation internally or let you go.

you don’t deserve to be miserable the rest of your life, waiting on this guy to come around.
If he won’t make an effort to get you back, he’s not worth your effort.
 

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Thanks! No you’re not being rude at all. It was absolutely maddening to hear and read their interactions. I eventually completely lost my cool, said many ugly things I had in my mind to him. We were on the edge of irreparable marriage crisis. We were so furious at each other. He was mad at me not being able to trust him, and I was losing my mind because I couldn’t make him see what was happening. We really blew it all up one time (had to whisper-scream because it was after our daughter went to sleep ;)), but it had to be done.
He agreed with me at the end, and he’s done helping her. She did call him last night but he showed me his phone screen and made a nervous face and didn’t answer it. He’ll have to explain why he can’t help her anymore at some point jus to be decent, but I don’t think we’ll be seeing her like we used to anymore.
Just read this. I wanted to clap out loud! You did good.
 

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Thanks! No you’re not being rude at all. It was absolutely maddening to hear and read their interactions. I eventually completely lost my cool, said many ugly things I had in my mind to him. We were on the edge of irreparable marriage crisis. We were so furious at each other. He was mad at me not being able to trust him, and I was losing my mind because I couldn’t make him see what was happening. We really blew it all up one time (had to whisper-scream because it was after our daughter went to sleep ;)), but it had to be done.
He agreed with me at the end, and he’s done helping her. She did call him last night but he showed me his phone screen and made a nervous face and didn’t answer it. He’ll have to explain why he can’t help her anymore at some point jus to be decent, but I don’t think we’ll be seeing her like we used to anymore.
That's a wonderful development! Good on you for acting to nip this **** in the bud now. Keep it up and stay on course, though. After a bit of doing it, he may very well get complacent.
 

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Thanks. He actually had told me to look at the text exchanges when this all started back in around September of last year because he was trying to tell me how appreciative she had been, but I really didn’t feel like doing that. It felt too invasive, can’t be too invasive when one’s spouse has lacked intimacy for months. Don’t be naive.and it still does. But maybe perhaps, I’ll ask him to show me the exchange now, as you said, for reassurance.
He said people whom he trusts including his dad and the pastor, are telling him that he’s doing the right thing by being a positive figure in the ladie’s life and having her over for dinner and such, they are NOT very wise and thoughtful men, you should remember that if he seeks that “pastor’s “ advice in the future. Just flat out terrible advice.but they do not know that our marriage is not in a great shape right now, and I don’t believe he’d ever share that with them.

It makes me rather sad because it feels like he’s taking an advantage of my lack of support or friends and chooses not to see the prospective if the situation flipped.
 

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I think we’re okay now, and I once again would like to thank all of you who reached out to help me and support during one of my loneliest times.
Both of us became quite angry at each other, however in the end, we decided to walk towards each other instead of walking away from it.
MyH agreed that he was consumed by his old job and now realizes that the relationship with the officer became more unprofessional because he didn’t actually work with her and needed to have more boundaries.
He agrees that we can not protect her from her life and is a huge responsibility to be her family away from family as she thinks we are when she is under so much stress.

You know what? I think this actually brought us closer, and I’m actually grateful for that. After 20 some years of marriage, we’re definitely still learning. Thanks everyone!!
I’m late to this thread….. wanted to say ditto to the poster that said you need to stay vigilant when a spouse carrying on like you’re husband has abd is agreeing with you……

actions. Watch his actions. No interest in the bedroom? No interest in planning trips or nights out with you (spending real tine with you as a couple)???? Then your relationship is NOT ok, for whatever reason. But I wish you luck.
 
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