Talk About Marriage banner
41 - 60 of 101 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
447 Posts
You really need to talk to your H and find out what is happening both between the two of you and with the other woman.

My wife recently retired from a lead position at a large organization. She had been there and hired many of the people that worked for her. With the pandemic things got really crazy where she worked. She no longer had the energy or will to deal with all the problems, especially those dealing with reduced funding. Even after two years since she retired, she still gets calls from people she use to supervise to ask questions on how to try to get things done. She also gets invited to group lunches, where old friends share stories. At times when she hears some of the things people are putting up with and the lack of leadership and support they get, she feels very guilty for retiring. Yet, she knows it was the right decision. The point is your spouse may feel some sense of responsibility (and guilt) for no longer being at his PD Chief position, where he shielded people from politics and craziness. Find out if that is what is going on with him.

When you talk to your H, tell him that you understand how stressfull his past job was and that you support his decision to have left. Tell him that you understand his loyalty to those who worked for him and that you like and admire this woman. But also tell him, that even if it is not justified, you can get jealous and have feelings of insecurity that he talks to her so much. You just need reassurances from him that you have no reason to be jealous and that you can trust him. Make sure you tell him that you have personal boundaries and that you will not stand for any emotional or physical affairs and you expect him to honor his vows of marriage.

Then tell him, you want to become intimate with him again. Ask if the two of you might want to start some marriage counseling sessions just to put everything back together. Tell him that you miss the intimacy and closeness you use to feel.

Good luck.
Also you said that he goes to church. If he resists counseling maybe he would agree to talk to his pastor? With or without you if that is what it takes?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
41 Posts
Discussion Starter · #42 ·
Also you said that he goes to church. If he resists counseling maybe he would agree to talk to his pastor? With or without you if that is what it takes?
Yeah, he actually talks to his pastor all the time. They are good friends, and the pastor knows me as well. I was a photographer at his son's church ceremony, even though I'm not one of his congregations, he supported my creativity and invited me to take the photos.
He helped my husband make a decision to move on from his last job. I wouldn't be surprised if they already had numerous conversations about our marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
41 Posts
Discussion Starter · #43 ·
You really need to talk to your H and find out what is happening both between the two of you and with the other woman.

My wife recently retired from a lead position at a large organization. She had been there and hired many of the people that worked for her. With the pandemic things got really crazy where she worked. She no longer had the energy or will to deal with all the problems, especially those dealing with reduced funding. Even after two years since she retired, she still gets calls from people she use to supervise to ask questions on how to try to get things done. She also gets invited to group lunches, where old friends share stories. At times when she hears some of the things people are putting up with and the lack of leadership and support they get, she feels very guilty for retiring. Yet, she knows it was the right decision. The point is your spouse may feel some sense of responsibility (and guilt) for no longer being at his PD Chief position, where he shielded people from politics and craziness. Find out if that is what is going on with him.

When you talk to your H, tell him that you understand how stressfull his past job was and that you support his decision to have left. Tell him that you understand his loyalty to those who worked for him and that you like and admire this woman. But also tell him, that even if it is not justified, you can get jealous and have feelings of insecurity that he talks to her so much. You just need reassurances from him that you have no reason to be jealous and that you can trust him. Make sure you tell him that you have personal boundaries and that you will not stand for any emotional or physical affairs and you expect him to honor his vows of marriage.

Then tell him, you want to become intimate with him again. Ask if the two of you might want to start some marriage counseling sessions just to put everything back together. Tell him that you miss the intimacy and closeness you use to feel.

Good luck.
Thank you. Your wife's retirement situation sounds very much like what is going on with him. He was the leader at one point so feels guilty when hearing there is no leadership at the old place. I think he is an extraordinary person, but he has some issues.
I've talked to him, or more like complained to him about these things before, but I was probably too upset to convey what I was really trying to say.
I will try talking to him when I'm calm.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,348 Posts
Hi Hotaru,
I also moved to the US from another culture to be with my exH and felt like I became a new person because of all the adaptations I made to live here, so I understand your feelings and perspective. I've read your posts and some things resonated with me, and I have to echo the posters who caution you about the potential for an inappropriate relationship even though you do not see this young woman as a threat.

Some men do indeed love hero worship and are extremely flattered by the attention of a younger woman, and will lie to your face about it. Your instincts are alerted for a reason, don't dismiss them or allow him to minimize your concerns.
I don't know your husband, but I thought I knew mine until he showed me a completely different face, he was that good a liar.

I voiced my concern within a month about a 19 y/o he hired and mentored when I heard too many mentions of her and she started giving him things to bring home. Granted my experience is different, my ExH had an EA several years before and dismissed my concerns as paranoia and insecurity.

Anyway, we were also sexless (his choice), he cited all kinds of excuses; work stress, midlife crisis (he wasn't happy with his career choices), but the truth is that he was no longer attracted to me, but to his new worshipper and I got tired of being rejected and didn't force a confrontation until I discovered an affair.

You might think she's too young to be a threat and he's not attractive enough for her to be interested in, but she sounds really screwed up and vulnerable to any positive male attention, especially from a man she respects and feels safe with. While it's admirable to want to help, he's not qualified to do so, unless he's a licensed therapist.

She is no longer his employee, why does he feel responsible for her? Why does he make "jokes" that he wishes she were his wife? Why is he so understanding about your lack of desire? I don't like what you've laid out, and caution you to nip things in the bud now, and stop being afraid of confrontation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
41 Posts
Discussion Starter · #46 ·
Hi Hotaru,
I also moved to the US from another culture to be with my exH and felt like I became a new person because of all the adaptations I made to live here, so I understand your feelings and perspective. I've read your posts and some things resonated with me, and I have to echo the posters who caution you about the potential for an inappropriate relationship even though you do not see this young woman as a threat.

Some men do indeed love hero worship and are extremely flattered by the attention of a younger woman, and will lie to your face about it. Your instincts are alerted for a reason, don't dismiss them or allow him to minimize your concerns.
I don't know your husband, but I thought I knew mine until he showed me a completely different face, he was that good a liar.

I voiced my concern within a month about a 19 y/o he hired and mentored when I heard too many mentions of her and she started giving him things to bring home. Granted my experience is different, my ExH had an EA several years before and dismissed my concerns as paranoia and insecurity.

Anyway, we were also sexless (his choice), he cited all kinds of excuses; work stress, midlife crisis (he wasn't happy with his career choices), but the truth is that he was no longer attracted to me, but to his new worshipper and I got tired of being rejected and didn't force a confrontation until I discovered an affair.

You might think she's too young to be a threat and he's not attractive enough for her to be interested in, but she sounds really screwed up and vulnerable to any positive male attention, especially from a man she respects and feels safe with. While it's admirable to want to help, he's not qualified to do so, unless he's a licensed therapist.

She is no longer his employee, why does he feel responsible for her? Why does he make "jokes" that he wishes she were his wife? Why is he so understanding about your lack of desire? I don't like what you've laid out, and caution you to nip things in the bud now, and stop being afraid of confrontation.
Hi TXTrini, it’s really nice to hear from someone who can relate to my experience with an adoptive hometown. Thanks for your post. I’m warned and will be cautious without being paranoid. I’m sure her name will be mentioned soon enough. Yesterday, I was extremely sad because of an argument we had, and out of frustration I told him it would probably be better if I walked away and let her live with them. He said “Oh not this again…” I think by now he must have some clue that I’m not so thrilled about her becoming a part of our family. She has other friends and own family. If he does not get it, I will let him know as diplomatic as possible.

My H is not okay with our lack of intimacy, neither am I, but we just haven’t given ourselves enough time or effort to resolve the issue. We just need to be brave and face the issue together.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,348 Posts
Hi TXTrini, it’s really nice to hear from someone who can relate to my experience with an adoptive hometown. Thanks for your post. I’m warned and will be cautious without being paranoid. I’m sure her name will be mentioned soon enough. Yesterday, I was extremely sad because of an argument we had, and out of frustration I told him it would probably be better if I walked away and let her live with them. He said “Oh not this again…” I think by now he must have some clue that I’m not so thrilled about her becoming a part of our family. She has other friends and own family. If he does not get it, I will let him know as diplomatic as possible.

My H is not okay with our lack of intimacy, neither am I, but we just haven’t given ourselves enough time or effort to resolve the issue. We just need to be brave and face the issue together.
I understand too well. I also am introverted and didn't make personal friends beyond work after 15 years. I still feel like a stranger in a strange land most of the time and found myself starting over from scratch alone. TAM has been a lifeline for me, I've met great people who helped me develop confidence to make friends and a few good friends too!

You say your husband doesn't pick up the slack at home, so you can pursue your interests, but maybe you should reconsider doing things perfectly and carve some time out for yourself and just go do them.

One hard lesson I learned is you can bend over backwards for someone who will never appreciate you, who will only see and admire what you lack. For example, wishing he was married to a 7ft Goddess. He obviously admires her, why is that?

How were you when you two met? Were you as domestic and family centric, or did you pursue your own interests when you two lived in Japan? Obviously you had the home advantage then, he has it now. Maybe it's time to implement what TAM calls a 180 and start rebuilding your self-confidence. Who knows, maybe your lack of desire for him is the result of too many unsaid things and built-up resentment.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,984 Posts
I can guarantee that this woman would not have had this level of access to your husband if he were still on the job. Who would she have gone to for support in that case? Since people at your husband's church already know about her, why can't she discuss this with the pastor?

Someone in this situation needs to develop some boundaries - you, your husband or the whiner.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,974 Posts
i am not going to guess what is going on between your husband and this younger woman. it is probably nothing.

but YOU need some friends!
How about joining a health club and doing exercise or yoga classes. a couple times a week, and you will get to know the other women in class, and likely form some friendships. Upstate NY, yes it is hard to form a new friendship, but when you do, they become a friend for life! So it is worth the effort.

Other ideas, check out Meetup.com for people who have hobbies similar to yours. Maybe you can teach a class in Japanese cooking. Or maybe join a cooking group. Or some group on some other hobby you are good at, or want to learn.

also, how about evening classes at a college or university. Maybe there is a campus nearby?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
41 Posts
Discussion Starter · #51 ·
I understand too well. I also am introverted and didn't make personal friends beyond work after 15 years. I still feel like a stranger in a strange land most of the time and found myself starting over from scratch alone. TAM has been a lifeline for me, I've met great people who helped me develop confidence to make friends and a few good friends too!

You say your husband doesn't pick up the slack at home, so you can pursue your interests, but maybe you should reconsider doing things perfectly and carve some time out for yourself and just go do them.

One hard lesson I learned is you can bend over backwards for someone who will never appreciate you, who will only see and admire what you lack. For example, wishing he was married to a 7ft Goddess. He obviously admires her, why is that?

How were you when you two met? Were you as domestic and family centric, or did you pursue your own interests when you two lived in Japan? Obviously you had the home advantage then, he has it now. Maybe it's time to implement what TAM calls a 180 and start rebuilding your self-confidence. Who knows, maybe your lack of desire for him is the result of too many unsaid things and built-up resentment.
You've read my mind!! I have resentment towards him for not taking initiative for planning or cooking dinner and expects me to do so. It's so frustrating when all he says is "ahhh, I don't know." or "hmm" and don't say anything else. Or, he says "do you need help?" and if I ask to do something, he says "can we have this instead?" and just walks away. I do feel like I did my share of chores while he worked as police and worked the day/night shift and planned things ahead so it would not interfere with his sleep requirements or have the food ready for him to eat before the night shift and take extra for later.
To be fare though, he vacuums, writes checks for taxes and other bills that are not set up for automated payment, and takes care of home and care maintenance, which I appreciate because those are things that I'm not good at being on top of, well except vacuuming.
It sounds though, I have a list of first world problem, and it makes me feel embarrassed to even mention these things.

You're right, I think I just need to start doing things I enjoy instead of stewing over things. When we were in Japan, we used to go out together more. I often think that I used to be much more independent and just did more things. This small town I live is beautiful but can be suffocating sometimes.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
41 Posts
Discussion Starter · #52 ·
I can guarantee that this woman would not have had this level of access to your husband if he were still on the job. Who would she have gone to for support in that case? Since people at your husband's church already know about her, why can't she discuss this with the pastor?

Someone in this situation needs to develop some boundaries - you, your husband or the whiner.
She should definitely talk to the pastor for guidance, and she did. The pastor was appalled by the assholes at the PD, and unfortunately they are in charge. My H can't help her, she doesn't want to leave her job, so there is a limit to what can be done. I'll talk to him how I truly feel when we spend time with her. He might be disappointed but he needs to face it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
41 Posts
Discussion Starter · #54 ·
i am not going to guess what is going on between your husband and this younger woman. it is probably nothing.

but YOU need some friends!
How about joining a health club and doing exercise or yoga classes. a couple times a week, and you will get to know the other women in class, and likely form some friendships. Upstate NY, yes it is hard to form a new friendship, but when you do, they become a friend for life! So it is worth the effort.

Other ideas, check out Meetup.com for people who have hobbies similar to yours. Maybe you can teach a class in Japanese cooking. Or maybe join a cooking group. Or some group on some other hobby you are good at, or want to learn.

also, how about evening classes at a college or university. Maybe there is a campus nearby?
Hi there! Thanks for the suggestions! I was actually thinking about visiting the local skatepark when the snow is gone, I will probably get lots of stares, but there is this one trick I really want to learn, so I might ask someone to teach me that.
Also, I was thinking about looking for a teacher who can teach me more about the music software and the midi player I use, so I'm not so struggling with them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,974 Posts
Hi there! Thanks for the suggestions! I was actually thinking about visiting the local skatepark when the snow is gone, I will probably get lots of stares, but there is this one trick I really want to learn, so I might ask someone to teach me that.
Also, I was thinking about looking for a teacher who can teach me more about the music software and the midi player I use, so I'm not so struggling with them.
there is NOTHING that teaches you more music than to join a band.

Find a band that needs a keyboard player, and start practicing with them! What type of music...that is up to you!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
41 Posts
Discussion Starter · #56 ·
Here it goes, he’s on the phone right now…, will see how long it’s going to be. She’s the one whose doing most of the talking, but he’s agreeing and definitely engaged in the conversation.
It feels very dirty and ugly to be like this, and particularly I feel like I’ve created this situation in my head but my gut feeling tells me otherwise and that she likes being in the drama.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
6,194 Posts
@Hotaru

Here’s the way I see it: marrying someone is committing 100% of your affection, companionship, and loyalty to your spouse. Most vows even say something about “…forsaking all others.” Well 100% means that 0% is available for others!!!

And at this time at least some percentage of your husband’s loyalty is to this other lady officer, because you’ve said you’re not comfortable and he brushed YOU off…not her!

At least some percentage of your husband’s companionship is to this other lady officer because he’s on the phone with her right now instead of giving his time to you and to the marriage.

At least some percentage of your husband’s affection is to this other lady officer because you’ve told him this much interaction is hurting you and causing resentment (which is a love-killer) and he keeps on focusing on her anyway.

I think this is teetering on the edge of infidelity and he better either wake up and end this, or he may end up killing the marriage!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
41 Posts
Discussion Starter · #60 ·
Thank you everyone who gave me valuable advices and just let me have a headspace to clarify things.

Last night after my daughter went to sleep, I asked if I could talk to him, asked him to be completely honest, and I may say things that he might not like. He knew what it was about. We agreed on few things and disagreed on other things, but I was very straight forward about what bothered me and stuff seemingly got between us. And, the fact that our marriage was not at the prime and was time for a serious repair.

He denied any romantic interests for her and said in his view, there is absolutely no correlation between her situation and my concerns but seemed to understand his ability to help her is making him feel good and useful. He also said it was a bit old-fashioned of me to be upset over him having a female friend. He did agree that the lady seemed to like being in a drama. I'm really not sure how this is going to be next time I see her or calls him, he said she was in a relationship with her co-worker, also.

I think this was a good place to leave for now as I was starting to feel that he was being resistance to my observation (assumption, in his words). I believe I planted a seed by stating my very strong reservation about this lady. I'm going to trust him and his judgement, honesty has always been one of our strengths.

This forum gave me a perfect place to reflect my feelings, learn how to approach our core problems, and just to talk anonymously to someone, and I truly appreciate it.
 
41 - 60 of 101 Posts
Top