[TXTrini]

Hi Hotaru,
I also moved to the US from another culture to be with my exH and felt like I became a new person because of all the adaptations I made to live here, so I understand your feelings and perspective. I've read your posts and some things resonated with me, and I have to echo the posters who caution you about the potential for an inappropriate relationship even though you do not see this young woman as a threat.

Some men do indeed love hero worship and are extremely flattered by the attention of a younger woman, and will lie to your face about it. Your instincts are alerted for a reason, don't dismiss them or allow him to minimize your concerns.
I don't know your husband, but I thought I knew mine until he showed me a completely different face, he was that good a liar.

I voiced my concern within a month about a 19 y/o he hired and mentored when I heard too many mentions of her and she started giving him things to bring home. Granted my experience is different, my ExH had an EA several years before and dismissed my concerns as paranoia and insecurity.

Anyway, we were also sexless (his choice), he cited all kinds of excuses; work stress, midlife crisis (he wasn't happy with his career choices), but the truth is that he was no longer attracted to me, but to his new worshipper and I got tired of being rejected and didn't force a confrontation until I discovered an affair.

You might think she's too young to be a threat and he's not attractive enough for her to be interested in, but she sounds really screwed up and vulnerable to any positive male attention, especially from a man she respects and feels safe with. While it's admirable to want to help, he's not qualified to do so, unless he's a licensed therapist.

She is no longer his employee, why does he feel responsible for her? Why does he make "jokes" that he wishes she were his wife? Why is he so understanding about your lack of desire? I don't like what you've laid out, and caution you to nip things in the bud now, and stop being afraid of confrontation.

 

[TXTrini]

Hi TXTrini, it’s really nice to hear from someone who can relate to my experience with an adoptive hometown. Thanks for your post. I’m warned and will be cautious without being paranoid. I’m sure her name will be mentioned soon enough. Yesterday, I was extremely sad because of an argument we had, and out of frustration I told him it would probably be better if I walked away and let her live with them. He said “Oh not this again…” I think by now he must have some clue that I’m not so thrilled about her becoming a part of our family. She has other friends and own family. If he does not get it, I will let him know as diplomatic as possible.

My H is not okay with our lack of intimacy, neither am I, but we just haven’t given ourselves enough time or effort to resolve the issue. We just need to be brave and face the issue together.

I understand too well. I also am introverted and didn't make personal friends beyond work after 15 years. I still feel like a stranger in a strange land most of the time and found myself starting over from scratch alone. TAM has been a lifeline for me, I've met great people who helped me develop confidence to make friends and a few good friends too!

You say your husband doesn't pick up the slack at home, so you can pursue your interests, but maybe you should reconsider doing things perfectly and carve some time out for yourself and just go do them.

One hard lesson I learned is you can bend over backwards for someone who will never appreciate you, who will only see and admire what you lack. For example, wishing he was married to a 7ft Goddess. He obviously admires her, why is that?

How were you when you two met? Were you as domestic and family centric, or did you pursue your own interests when you two lived in Japan? Obviously you had the home advantage then, he has it now. Maybe it's time to implement what TAM calls a 180 and start rebuilding your self-confidence. Who knows, maybe your lack of desire for him is the result of too many unsaid things and built-up resentment.

 

[TXTrini]

He’s still on the phone, bloody hell, I’m going shopping!!

Treat yourself to a nice dinner and don't bring a thing back for him!

 

[TXTrini]

Thanks! No you’re not being rude at all. It was absolutely maddening to hear and read their interactions. I eventually completely lost my cool, said many ugly things I had in my mind to him. We were on the edge of irreparable marriage crisis. We were so furious at each other. He was mad at me not being able to trust him, and I was losing my mind because I couldn’t make him see what was happening. We really blew it all up one time (had to whisper-scream because it was after our daughter went to sleep ), but it had to be done.
He agreed with me at the end, and he’s done helping her. She did call him last night but he showed me his phone screen and made a nervous face and didn’t answer it. He’ll have to explain why he can’t help her anymore at some point jus to be decent, but I don’t think we’ll be seeing her like we used to anymore.

That's a wonderful development! Good on you for acting to nip this **** in the bud now. Keep it up and stay on course, though. After a bit of doing it, he may very well get complacent.

 

[TXTrini]

Thanks TXTrini! This is mostly because of you guys, everyone here, who continuously encouraged me to trust my gut feeling and get to the bottom of this. I’m certain that we’re still in the same **** if I didn’t talk to you guys! Thank you!!

You're welcome. I wish I'd come here when it started in my marriage, maybe I wouldn't have wasted 10 years of my life.

I think you should pay attention to what NorthernGuard said above and be proactive and vigilant keeping him in line until you're sure he didn't just take it underground and gotten more shady with contact. I.e. calling her when he's not home when he can't be observed.

I see the same mechanics, rescuing a damsel in distress to boost a weak ego. So be careful and don't you get complacent either and drop off your part of the marriage (sex).