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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Kind of a long background story- my husband and I have been married for 22 years. We have one daughter, a pre-teen. Both of our interests are to do the best things for our daughter. We have differences in our personalities but very similar perspectives about life and value, but we often argue about so many things and lately I feel lost. After living in the US, I feel like I should have a close friend who I can talk to, but living in the small town makes it difficult to meet people whom I can spill my guts out without backfiring myself, and I can’t afford to pay for a therapist.., so here it goes.

We met in the dorm of a university where I was studying in the ESL program and he was majoring Japanese. We fell in love and decided to live together in Japan while he was there as an exchange student and came back to the US and have been here since. We live in a small town in NY where he grew up. I work from home in health care, and he switched his career last September. He has worked in a police dept. for 15 years but the tremendous stress from the job was effecting his health, so he finally left the very toxic environment and started working in a school district, which he loves very much.

He really never left the place, though… He still gets calls and texts from the people at his previous job as they are very unhappy with the situation there now. One officer in particular was treated so poorly by the superiors that she came to see him in tears. My husband, of course feels responsible and tries to console and give advices whenever asked for, sometimes legal advices with a phone call lasting for two hours…. I have been trying to be a supportive wife and listen to him and tell him that I care about his own emotional well-being as he says that listening to them drains and takes him back to those dark years. He defends that they need my help and can’t turn them away, so we try to be their friends and invite this officer for dinners or just to hang out. I know he would help any one of them equally if they needed, but he had a special interest and saw so much potential in her when he hired her, so he naturally shows great sympathy towards this officer. I’m just there making foods for them, sitting and not say much as they often end up talking about the difficult situations she’s in and general complains about her work. He encourages her to find another job as she would excel in any other field, but since it was her childhood dream, she doesn’t want to give up, and he realizes his limitation on helping her, as he characterizes her as self-righteous and yet naive. But, as most cops are, they are addicted to adrenaline. As much as it takes a toll on them, they get high from the rush and by talking about how crappy it is, they are re-living the drama and gives them the excitement. That’s my observation on why he keeps talking to her about all the problems although I may be way off with that assumption.

Anyways, my daughter worships this officer and talks about wanting see her all the time, and my husband highly speaks of her all the time. He told me that someone from the church he goes to asked if she was his wife - I’m not a Christian and do not go to church service, and he jokingly said he should have said he wished, this 7 foot-tall with double major Goddess was my wife! I’m not jealous of this officer, I don’t think he’s attracted to her romantically at all, he thinks I’m crazy when I tease him about it. But it is true that he’s paying more attention to her and shows quite a bit more respect to her than me, and that hurts.

We used to do more things together as a family, but things are starting to fall apart. We do have good conversations sometimes, enjoy watching shows on tv, spend time with his parents, sister & her partner, but those are pretty much the only things we do together at this point. We have not had an intimacy for months, he’s interested in playing his saxophone, smoking his pipe and going to church, while I’m interested in rock music, skateboarding, photography and playing electronic music. He supports my hobbies but does not take over chores so I have time to do what I like to which I’ve been resentful for a while, but the routines have not changed even after he changed his job and have more time. I lack my vocabulary and articulation when we have an argument, and he loves to argue. All these 20 plus years, I’ve said things I regret and acted the way he did not deserve, and I’m not sure if there are any feelings left for each other.

He says I need a friend, and it’d be nice if I had a friend. All my close friends are in Japan. I am friendly, but I don’t go around and ask people if they want to hung out. It’s not easy to make friends as an adult in a small town when you look like a foreigner, and most people your age have established circle of friends already. I like talking to people I work with, but I don’t have any contact with them outside the work. It’s not my nature to talk about my personal problems with my co-workers either.

I apologize for randomness of this post, and I’m not sure if I’m looking for any advices, but I needed a place to share these feelings without paying $300/week. Thanks for reading!
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Also, why do you say "borderline" in the thread title? Where did that come from?
Hi, yes I have told him about what goes on my mind may times in the past in details, He seems to take it not very seriously most of the time, and he just moves on.
I put the word “borderline” because of the way I get very flustered, and also I’ve been told that I get mad more often than I should.
 

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What do you think ended your intimacy in the relationship? What was going on when it fizzled?

She may be 7 ft tall but I don't know if she's straight or gay but he could be more involved with her than you know or be so attached emotionally that he's detaching from you. But if it's been some years since you've been intimate then you have to figure out what started that. Are you a lot younger than him? I asked because you're interests are youngish.
 

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First of all I think you are an amazing, brave person following your husband to a new country and sticking with your husband while he worked a grueling thankless job.

Now even though your husband has left that job his behaviour is with his former coworker is...unprofessional at best and potentially destructive to your marriage at worst. Most men I know are problem solvers. And she continues to present problems to him which makes him feel special while you a relegated to the background. You say you are not jealous but you are. That's okay, though! A friendly ear is one thing but this woman has inserted herself into your life beyond what is acceptab.

Also is it your husband who says you get angry too much? He is gaslighting you.

I
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
What do you think ended your intimacy in the relationship? What was going on when it fizzled?

She may be 7 ft tall but I don't know if she's straight or gay but he could be more involved with her than you know or be so attached emotionally that he's detaching from you. But if it's been some years since you've been intimate then you have to figure out what started that. Are you a lot younger than him? I asked because you're interests are youngish.
Thanks for your reply! To be honest, I think it falls on me, I admit that I have not been sweet to him lately, or I even say that I have not been very affectionate person from the start and he used to complain a lot about it. But, when he worked his former job and the schedule was all over the place, it definitely made it challenging to find time to feel the closeness.
I’m starting to think that I’m too dull for him, and he requires more stimulation in his life.
I’m actually five years older than he is, but it almost feels like I started my new identity when I moved to the US, and it sounds weird but I feel that I’m much more immature than my actual age. I enjoy those hobbies as outlets since my life has become very repetitive and mundane.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
First of all I think you are an amazing, brave person following your husband to a new country and sticking with your husband while he worked a grueling thankless job.

Now even though your husband has left that job his behaviour is with his former coworker is...unprofessional at best and potentially destructive to your marriage at worst. Most men I know are problem solvers. And she continues to present problems to him which makes him feel special while you a relegated to the background. You say you are not jealous but you are. That's okay, though! A friendly ear is one thing but this woman has inserted herself into your life beyond what is acceptab.

Also is it your husband who says you get angry too much? He is gaslighting you.

I
Thank you so much for the kind words! He left his former job less than a year after he had hired this officer, and he knows how toxic his the place can be and thinks that he can still interject his knowledge and utilize the connections he’s built up to help her. And, I agree with the fact that those things she told him should not be tolerated and we should support her as friends. But, I don’t know much about her as she mostly talks to him when we invite her. My husband and my daughter think she’s a wonderful person, and I’m sure she is, but I have a problem when they show me less respect…
 

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Thanks for your reply! To be honest, I think it falls on me, I admit that I have not been sweet to him lately, or I even say that I have not been very affectionate person from the start and he used to complain a lot about it. But, when he worked his former job and the schedule was all over the place, it definitely made it challenging to find time to feel the closeness.
I’m starting to think that I’m too dull for him, and he requires more stimulation in his life.
I’m actually five years older than he is, but it almost feels like I started my new identity when I moved to the US, and it sounds weird but I feel that I’m much more immature than my actual age. I enjoy those hobbies as outlets since my life has become very repetitive and mundane.
That makes sense, what you said about kind of starting over with a new identity.

I'm just guessing that he's going on about his life. I doubt he's doing without sex. It does make me wonder how it could have gone on very long because most women would not want to be in a relationship with someone who had a woman at home. What do you think the explanation for that is?
 
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The only thing I find out of the ordinary is the female. I mean most people wouldn’t impose that much on a family, no matter how close or how well you get along. I don’t know many people who would pick someone else’s spouse for constant ear-bashing about work. I’ve worked in a lot of places and a lot of teams, but have never seen that sort of communication outside Friday night drinks. The younger or single people tended to group together and have their own social life. But I’ve never seen a member of the opposite sex spend that much friendly time alone with the family.

Even in the reverse, I’d feel odd as a woman If a family wanted that much time with me? Even when I single and worked closely with men, there was just no communication outside work. At all. Most people know that people have their own lives. It’s not the norm. So she has a strange idea of what’s ok and what’s not. The social cues in this story seem to be off, from all of you. (Not so much you, as you seem aware that it’s a bit concerning)

Does she have any friends and family? How old is your daughter and what’s the situation there? Again, it’s odd. By the age of 12 my kids couldn’t give two hoots about the adults we mixed with. You’ve mentioned a few times how highly your daughter thinks of her. Actually, at no age did my kids have much of an opinion about any adult really, they stuck to playing with kids after their initial hellos.
 

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and he jokingly said he should have said he wished, this 7 foot-tall with double major Goddess was my wife!
He was telling you, his wife, that he should have said he wished? I can't tell you how offensive that is. It is hurtful and disrespectful.

It's time you stop inviting over and cooking for your husband's girlfriend. Your daughter needs to learn what is proper in relationships and who deserves respect. Hint: a woman who chases after her daddy is not to be respected.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Thanks everyone! Here are more details I'd left out in the OP for clarification. I apologize.
This officer is 25 years old, kind of like a kid still, so my daughter looks up to her as a big sister, which I can understand as my daughter is an old child. From what my husband has told me, she had a tough time growing up with her biological father leaving the family when she was 9, and her father never spoke to her again. She said her mother is hard on her also, a correctional officer working with a rough crowd herself, her mother warned her about the male dominant work environment.
My husband was the chief of the PD when he hired her, but he just could not stay there any more. There was just too much stress at the time; coordinating with multiple agencies over pandemic, implementing the procedures for the police reform and the community members constantly attacking and questioning what he'd done; his mom being hospitalized, etc... I could go on how crushing and infuriating to see him being in such despair, but he got help. He talked to a pastor, went to the ER, and is feeling much better now.
And, the officer came to him and told him that the people at the PD have been saying inappropriate things to her, and one of her co-workers reported to the village mayor without consulting her first, and she found out after and became very stressed because she did not want to make a big deal about it, but the situation got worse naturally when the lawyers from the village started to contact her and others at the PD. She started to think that people are retaliating by not allowing her to use time off, or making her work overtime shifts, or even stalking her in the police cars. It sounds quite alarming, I know. On top of this, she watched a video of a sergeant's disturbing procedure, and she didn't know what to do because the acting chief is a buddy of this sergeant's.
All of this has been reported but nobody knows what to do, and my husband is trying to hep to the best of his ability, ibut I don't think he knows what to do either.

I have expressed my concerns many times already, but I'll keep trying.
 

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Are you now having frequent intimacy with your H?

This should be a time to draw closer physically in a young family.
 

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Thanks everyone! Here are more details I'd left out in the OP for clarification. I apologize.
This officer is 25 years old, kind of like a kid still, so my daughter looks up to her as a big sister, which I can understand as my daughter is an old child. From what my husband has told me, she had a tough time growing up with her biological father leaving the family when she was 9, and her father never spoke to her again. She said her mother is hard on her also, a correctional officer working with a rough crowd herself, her mother warned her about the male dominant work environment.
My husband was the chief of the PD when he hired her, but he just could not stay there any more. There was just too much stress at the time; coordinating with multiple agencies over pandemic, implementing the procedures for the police reform and the community members constantly attacking and questioning what he'd done; his mom being hospitalized, etc... I could go on how crushing and infuriating to see him being in such despair, but he got help. He talked to a pastor, went to the ER, and is feeling much better now.
And, the officer came to him and told him that the people at the PD have been saying inappropriate things to her, and one of her co-workers reported to the village mayor without consulting her first, and she found out after and became very stressed because she did not want to make a big deal about it, but the situation got worse naturally when the lawyers from the village started to contact her and others at the PD. She started to think that people are retaliating by not allowing her to use time off, or making her work overtime shifts, or even stalking her in the police cars. It sounds quite alarming, I know. On top of this, she watched a video of a sergeant's disturbing procedure, and she didn't know what to do because the acting chief is a buddy of this sergeant's.
All of this has been reported but nobody knows what to do, and my husband is trying to hep to the best of his ability, ibut I don't think he knows what to do either.

I have expressed my concerns many times already, but I'll keep trying.
All of that is awful for such a young woman to go through and you are a kind caring woman. But that means she is vulnerable and your husband feels responsible because he hired her. This has all the potential to spiral out of control before anyone knows what is happening. Trust your woman's intuition!
 

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How about a trip back to Japan to see your family? (Stupid Covid probably won't let you but still )Take hubs and daughter and go back home. Rekindle the spark from where you first met and put some distance from uncomfortable situation.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Are you now having frequent intimacy with your H?

This should be a time to draw closer physically in a young family.
Haha, we’re not young anymore actually! I just turned 50 and he’s 45, and no, we have not been intimate for months. We hug and kiss when we leave the house to go to work or for errands.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
How about a trip back to Japan to see your family? (Stupid Covid probably won't let you but still )Take hubs and daughter and go back home. Rekindle the spark from where you first met and put some distance from uncomfortable situation.
I would really love to do that, or just to anywhere on a family trip, but they don’t even want to come for a walk with the dogs with me lately.
 

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Haha, we’re not young anymore actually! I just turned 50 and he’s 45, and no, we have not been intimate for months. We hug and kiss when we leave the house to go to work or for errands.
That's great!
Same question of course, do you have frequent intimate times with H, specifically do you and he have sex frequently? If not why?
 
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