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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
PLEASE HELP I'LL TAKE ANYTHING

First, I love having sex and I am always initiating it (wife). I could have it multiple times everyday, but my husband of 2 years can only handle two days per week at most! He never initiates it. I've tried waiting for him to initiate it and I'm not even kidding we had sex 3 times in that one month! It was awful. Not only that, if I want to have sex I have to give him a BJ first or he won't do it. I've tried sex toys of many kinds but he gets upset and throws them away and tells me it's insulting. Worst of all he has NEVER, in two years of our marriage, made me finish. After he finishes, IT'S OVER.

Second, when we do have sex I am ALWAYS on top! I don't mind being the initiator and the controller half the time or even most of the time, but I would love for him to take control and do it hard doggy style. Something besides me on top. Unfortunately, this does not happen. I've asked him to do it other positions besides me on top, but the second I get off he turns soft and gives up. Not only that, he doesn't believe in foreplay and refuses to do it; he says it turns him off and sex is good enough.

Lastly, how do I get him more into kissing? I love kissing and making out and it is such a turn on! However, every time I try he just bites my lip so hard it bleeds or he sticks his tongue down my throat. He doesn't ever want to roll around the bed or couch or anything and have a nice make out sesh.

I love my husband more than anything, but he is seriously uneducated when it comes to girls and their needs. Please heeeeeeeeelp!
 

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If you find the answer please let me know, I've struggled with this for 20 years. I've tried everything I could think of but my wife won't change or even discuss it.

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Since you've only been married 2 years, I'm guessing he's no older than 30?? So, this is a bit weird. I mean, he probably doesn't have any sexual health issues yet.

If he's watching a lot of porn; that will affect how much desire he has for a flesh and blood partner. Possible? I mean 2x a week for a younger guy isn't that much, usually.

Basically, I sympathize with you. I am lucky to have sex twice a month. I have to be on top 80% [?] of the time. And, no sex toys allowed.

But we're in our fifties, so it's somewhat understandable.

The way to think is this: if he never changes, can you remain married to him and be mostly happy?
 

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You're not alone. Some of us couples have been through similar issues.

How old are you both?
Is weight an issue for him?

He needs to stop being selfish and childish, don't enable him by giving into doing stuff for him first.
Sex is a two way street, your orgasm is important too.
No foreplay for you, none for him. BJs are considered foreplay, tell him that!

Sex therapy could be helpful for you both. He could lack experience, it would be a benefit to work together.







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Get yourself a copy of The Joy of Sex , sit down and lovingly examine it together, and just let your minds, as well as your sexual organs, go hog wild!

^^^^Really about the best advice there is; yet so few people will do it. Baffling, confusing, infuriating.



If you find the answer please let me know, I've struggled with this for 20 years. I've tried everything I could think of but my wife won't change or even discuss it.

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peter,

After 20 years, there's more chance of you getting hit by a meteorite than your sex life undergoing any major changes.

Hope I am wrong, for your sake.
 

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Do you think he doesn't care about pleasing you, or instead is some combination of insecure, and uncertain what to do (despite your having told him).

If he doesn't care about your enjoyment, I don't know that there is a lot you can do to make things better.

If he is just insecure maybe there is a way to make him feel better about sex? Is he able to talk about what he likes in bed, or does he not seem to have much desire for sex?
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
This makes me feel even worse how many people can relate! At least there are people to share the sympathy with...thank you everyone for your comments. I am 22 and he is 26 so we are young, I just don't know why it is so hard for him to have fun and go crazy. Sometimes after I give him an erection he will just pull his pants back on and cover up. I'm honestly hoping he is just insecure, I'd rather him be that then me be a turn off for him. I honestly don't think I could stay faithful, emotionally he is THE MAN. Physically... I hope we can change things. I even downloaded The Joy of Sex and have begun reading it. Thanks again everyone.
 

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Did you both have a good sexual relationship before you married?
 
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He never initiates it.
if I want to have sex I have to give him a BJ first or he won't do it.
After he finishes, IT'S OVER.
the second I get off he turns soft and gives up. Not only that, he doesn't believe in foreplay and refuses to do it; he says it turns him off and sex is good enough.
Lastly, how do I get him more into kissing? I love kissing and making out and it is such a turn on!
All this points at gay to me. Maybe he is just really selfish and/or clueless. But no foreplay, doesn't like kissing, gets soft when he comes out of you and doesn't care about you finishing screams he is focusing on manass when he is with you.
 

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I could have written a lot of this myself at your age. I went a very long time wanting to protect my DH feelings and kept a lot of my hurt and anger inside. For years, almost 20 years.

It's likely that your DH is both a lower drive individual as well as being sexually immature. A person with a lower sex drive does not have the fabtasies, need for sex, desire for variety, need or want the foreplay that higher sexed people do.

However, even a person with a lower sex drive is capable of understanding that when 2 people have sex it should be mutually beneficial. One person feeling they are no more than a masturbation device for the other is going to create long term hardship and resentment.

I solved my problem a couple of ways. For one I got to the point where I was ready to divorce over the sexual issues in my marriage. For two I told my DH to never lay a hand on me again unless this was going to be a mutually satisfying encounter. Then I would not allow any PIV sex until I'd had an orgasm. He could do it or I would. But it was going to happen.

That was over 3 years ago and things are much different now. I had to grow up sexually as well. I had to learn all kinds of things about having sex with a partner. Before I could be making a grocery list while I was on top - there was absolutely no reason for me to involve myself more than that. Actually having an orgasm with a partner took a lot more concentration and trial and error and much more emotional intimacy than I would have thought.

My advice to you would be to not wait for 18 years like I did! Missed out on a lot of good sex by refusing to stand up for myself.
 

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There are some people, men and women, with very little interest in sex. (lots of threads on that on this site). It rarely gets better.
 

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I am 22 and he is 26 so we are young

You are young. So low testosterone, diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure can be ruled out. . . right?

Is he on anti-depressants? They are infamous for lessening libido. My H's sex drive was waning; when he started taking anti-depressants and high-blood-pressure meds; it took a complete nosedive.

Sometimes after I give him an erection he will just pull his pants back on and cover up.

Is your H significantly overweight? IOW, is his body image poor?

Sorry to ask this again; but does he use porn often?


I even downloaded The Joy of Sex and have begun reading it.

Is it any good [so far]? I don't know if I should bother reading it now; but ya' never know, I might learn something that might help. It has drawings, not photographs.....right?
 

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He seems to treat sex like it is taboo. When you posted he pulls up is pants when he gets an erection - sounds like embarrassment. How was his childhood? Strict parents? Was he abused in any way as a child? Is he very religious, whatever your faiths may be?

This is not normal for a 26 yo's libido. And without professional help he isn't going to change. So the question you have as a 22 yo is whether this is how you want to spend the next 50-60 years?
 

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This makes me feel even worse how many people can relate! At least there are people to share the sympathy with...thank you everyone for your comments. I am 22 and he is 26 so we are young, I just don't know why it is so hard for him to have fun and go crazy. Sometimes after I give him an erection he will just pull his pants back on and cover up. I'm honestly hoping he is just insecure, I'd rather him be that then me be a turn off for him. I honestly don't think I could stay faithful, emotionally he is THE MAN. Physically... I hope we can change things. I even downloaded The Joy of Sex and have begun reading it. Thanks again everyone.

@Nataliebae1 reading books on sexuality and how to enjoy it more will likely be frustrating and cause more fights when your husband fails to respond to new ideas. You need to work on improving trust and communication in your marriage.

It sounds like to me that your husband is struggling with some form of shame. During sex most people seek some sort of validation (feeling loved, knowing they please their partner, knowing their partner wants to please them, etc.), but for whatever reason your husband seems to have some sort of anxiety associated with this.

It is very possible some of his first sexual experiences were traumatic for him. Imagine this scenario... as a young boy he discovered masturbation in a very nontraditional way using his star wars wookie halloween costume, and his siblings discovered this and shamed him in front of everyone at school for it. In high school, I remember all too well the girl that everyone called "pickle" and it went on for years! The rumors were that she tried using a pickle to see what a penis would feel like. Fast forward into the future and these traumas can give someone a great deal of anxiety with feeling comfortable about their own sexuality in marriage.

You going to have to talk to him and try to get him to open up about his past. Perhaps you could share something very embarrassing about yourself with him to see if he relates and that helps him to open up to you about it.

So you can see how reading a book to make sex more enjoyable may cause frustration if you have a problem of this nature lurking beneath the surface. Who knows, your husband could have been reading a "book" about sex and had that stolen from him by his peers and they then used that to ridicule him.

Regards,
Badsanta
 

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Much respect to you for being open to talking to him and reaching out for help.

My first thought is to ask you, does he tell you he loves you and that he values your relationship? I'm just going to say that I was in a marriage years ago that wasn't done for the right reasons, I. E. We each had different levels of love for each other and just avoided the discussion. Finally I realized that it was obvious that we were very good friends but not the proper life partners. So, if this is the case for you, I would encourage you to confront him about the core of your relationship. All the rest of the symptoms you describe him having really won't matter if you find out he doesn't really want you, will it? Sorry to be so abrupt but many marriages are made from " settling for easy."

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You can't wave a Magic wand and poof, he does what I want. You need to understand him. Why does he have a low sex drive? Is it low testosterone, health problems, depression, is he having an affair, insecurity, or maybe he just has a low libido.

If sex is really important to you, then it's your responsibility to make it clear to him in a constructive way. You can figure out the cause of his low libido. Or if he doesn't care that your needs aren't being met, and he refuses to change, then you need to ask yourself if sexual incompatibly is worth divorcing over.

If you can't stay faithful, then divorce.

Another thing is... men's sexuality can be just as complicated as women's. a lot of time it's rooted in their ego and self esteem. A man needs to feel like a man. If he feels emasculated, that is a turn off. Sometimes when a man is partnered with a women that has a higher sex drive then them...it could be embarrassing, make them feel less of a man, make them feel like they can't satisfy you and all these things mess with a guys ego and in turns messes with their ability to get an erection.

As a side note: a lot of men have affairs because they meet a women that makes them feel like a man. And after years of their wives making them feel inadequate, this is a powerful aphrodisiac. So my point is... sexuality is more complicated than we realize.
 
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