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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hey Everyone,

I am going to try to keep this short & simple...if possible....

In a nutshell....I am 26 and I have been married for 4 years. We have 2 children that are spoiled rotten but what kids aren't? Anyway, me and my husband dated for 1 year before we got married and he was a great boyfriend. He was my best friend. Now that we are married, I get the impression that he feels that he doesn't have to "woo" me any longer; that we have achieved the ultimate goal which was to get married and it ends there. I have petitioned for him to pay more attention to me and to listen to what I have to say. He apologizes all the time for things that I bring to his attention but he remains the same. He has asked me to show him how to love me and I have written him letters, told him, given him cards and I still feel like I am alone. About 4 days ago I asked him if he was bored with me or if he was still attracted to me and he said that he didn't have any problem with me, he's just tired from work. I try to cuddle up next to him and hug him but he falls asleep and last night when I tried to cuddle with him on the couch he said that he just wanted to sleep. So he went to bed and I slept on the couch. He called me today and said that he figured I was mad at him about last night and I told him that I wasn't and that's the truth. The way I feel now is I am going to give him his space. I am not going to concentrate on what he isn't giving me emotionally;however, I am going to do the things that will keep my mind off of him and the fact that I feel neglected. I am not going to sit him down and ask him what I can do or what did I do. I am leaving it alone and see what happens. I have to close myself emotionally to this because I am continually getting hurt. He promises to try to do better and he does for a week or so and then I am back to this place and I am tired of it. Am I handling this wrong? I am open for any advice.
 

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1) how much does he work, and how much do you work?

2) Does he have any physical/mental problems?

3) Does he seem depressed or stressed?

4) How old are the both of you?

5) About when did he start pulling back (ie right after the marriage or a year after etc)?

draconis
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Draconis,

1) he works 8 hrs a day....i recently decided to stay home with our younger child

2) no

3) he is very laid back all of the time....if he is stressed or depressed he hides it very well....he's very easygoing all the time

4) I am 26 and he is 30

5) since we said I do he has totally lost touch with taking care of me emotionally
 

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sounds like marriage lull syndrom were a person mostly men think that work in relationships end once they get to a comfortable spot such as marriage and/or a child. With working only eight hours a day ei 40 a week he should be doing 16-24 hours of work around the house a week and spending at least an hour a day with the baby and an hour a day with you.

I think for the most part he feels he has done his work and doesn't need to do any more ever. If you have already told him of the issues verbally and in notes I would try a little less that he can easily overlook.

Go to the courthouse and get papers for divorce and child support and leave it out where he can find then. Maybe the next time you to talk you'll have his full attention and he will actually listen to you. On the flip side if you ever have to get divorced then you'll be one step closer by having or knowing what to do to get the paper work and feel less intimidated.

draconis
 

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Hi Wishful Thinking,

Let's go through the stats:

  • 4 years marriage
  • 2 children
  • 26 years and 30 years of age
  • 8 hour working days


All these numbers sounds like a marriage that has just gotten into the groove. My impression from reading this post is that you both need some time to reflect and when the time is right try and start chatting about the issues.

I think you are doing the right thing and giving him some space. Just remember men have to go into there caves to reflect and think sometime. He may be in that phase so don't push him.

I normally agree with Draconis' advice on most threads but I don't think getting divorce papers is the solution. No one wants to be intimidated or threatened and last of all I don't think you want to go through an ugly divorce especially since you have two children.

I would suggest that you make it a goal to start communicating by finding channel to do so. Try some sport together, a walk in the park, an evening out or a weekend get away. See if you can Grandparents to babysit for one night.

You both need some quality time together but at the same time he may need some thinking time.

Let us know how you go.

Cheers
 

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I digress that emate1209 has many valid points. However I will explain why I suggested what I did.

Since you have used ever means in your power to communicate it shows he is not taking it seriously. He has not responded to physical, verbal or written yet.

The papers are a way to let him know your relationship with him is in serious trouble and he needs to engage you in conversation and really listen to you.

I thought about the leaving him alone and fear he would take it as being okay to continue his behavior.

A councillor may help too, to get it into his head that he needs to be doing much more.

I also digress that finding a clear channel to communicate is important. emate had many good ideas of ways to kick that off. You can try to do many things before the papers.

In the end I think he has become lazy in the relationship.

draconis
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Emate,

Thank you for your advice! Both you and Draconis have made valid points. I have been trying many things for the past 4 years to get him to understand how critical our relationship is. I have asked him before if he wanted to be seperated and he said that he didn't and that he knew we were meant to be together;however, the things that I tell him that I need from him, he thinks that I should be appreciative for what I have and not have the all or nothing attitude. The way I feel about it is I am always asking him what I can do for him so I can make sure he is being fulfilled in any possible way so I would like the same in return. So Draconis you are right when you say that I need to do draw his attention to the fact that I am serious about my expectations and improving our marraige. Emate, I understand you saying that I don't want to go through an ugly divorce or threaten him but whenever a marraige isn't going well the children know it. We don't argue in front of them and we give our kids love but kids are so smart and I would rather them have both of us in a healthy marraige than a broken home without repair. If this isn't going to work, the children would benefit better with us being seperate. Don't be mistaken, I love my husband dearly and I would love to spend the remainder of my life with him but I want the man I married back.

Wishful thinking
 

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had to chuckle at the "what kids aren't spoiled" comment. In some relationships this could cause problems as well. Just my thought. I agree with the advice you have been given. In a sence I would do the divorce paper idea, but how you describe thing, it may be your only option for making him realize the importance of the marriage. I wish the best for you and please keep us posted!
 

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Well, today I'm ready to admit that my marriage is not as perfect as I thought it was. I'm going through the same thing. But we've only been married 7 months. This "lull" stage started about 2 months ago. I've written letters, i've had discussions...it still remains the same. So I, too, have decided to just give him space and fucus on me for a bit. Perhaps I'm putting too much into it, so I think space for both of us will at least give me time to think things through and find a way to be happy-because it may not be as bad as I'm thinking it is. And in the meantime, i'm not going to worry about trying to fix what I don't even know is wrong with him-it's time for me to do me.
I love to read, i'm a writer, I'm finally in a place in my life that I can write full time and be home with the kids-so why not just enjoy that. I figure he'll come around some time soon. He'll miss me paying so much attention to him. I wouldn't go as far as putting out divorce papers because #1 i'm not into playing games and #2 he's been divorced before, so that would be nothing too drastic for him. I'm a firm believer in not saying what you don't really mean and not doing what you really don't want to do. I'm honest in that way, and I did vow to be honest...so I'm sticking to that.
Good luck with your situation, and please wish me the same. I'm sure I'll be posting something new if my situation gets too much for me to handle.
Also...I've got to admit that I do suffer from anxiety and depression, so those may be some of the factors in my "impatience" and frustration.....who knows?
 
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