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It's been a long time since I've posted. Been really hard at work working on myself and moving on with my life.

My stbxw and I separated in January. She filed in April. Got confirmation of a PA with a married co-worker in an open marriage in May. She filed a status quo order (doesn't let us change the visitation schedule we had established) and filed a child support suit after I had enough and lawyered up. Went to mediation, got nowhere, so I went through my attorney and drafted a settlement. She counter offered with something pathetic. I threatened trial, she finally caved at the child support hearing in mid September and we made a global deal. My attorney is now drafting the judgment. Not quite what I wanted, but way better than what we "agreed" upon in mediation and I can live with it.

A little backstory: in April I reconnected with a girl I knew in high school on Facebook. Our first official date was May 31. We've been seeing each other ever since. We've taken things slowly, but have really hit it off and are falling in love. She's beautiful, smart, kind, we have similar interests, the same values and outlook on life...I feel very optimistic about things with her. GF is awesome!!!

Recent events have left me more than a little confused. My stbxw kinda came out of the woodwork about 4 weeks ago. I began getting a few more texts from her. Mostly about practical things, but still contact nonetheless. It felt like she was trying to find excuses to contact me. About two weeks after the support hearing I told her that I will no longer have visitation with her daughter from a previous marriage (stbxsd = soon to be ex step daughter). This was about 3-4 weeks ago. Stbxsd is very moody, bossy, pushes my daughter around, unable to be pleased, is always in a bad mood....the list goes on. She's a lot like her mother, actually. I've tried working with her, but I only had one weekend a month with her (she was being bounced back and forth between me, her mother, and her biological father) and I felt like it was unhealthy for her to spend so much time away from her primary residence and being bounced back and forth between so many places. I finally told stbxw enough is enough and that stbxsd needs to spend time with her biological parents. Stbxw resisted that a great deal, tried to guilt trip me into believing otherwise. She asked if I would be willing to switch the weekends I had our daughter so the two girls could spend a weekend together. I stood my ground and said I'm not okay with that; we have a judgment based on the status quo order she filed months ago, and that I'm not okay with her trying to con me into giving her a kid free weekend (if we switched, one weekend she would have both and the other weekend she would have neither). I said she is not thinking about the girls but only about herself, and that she wanted to be a single mother so now she gets to be one...for better or for worse. This led into a text argument about how we got where we are. I flat out told her that we are here because of her. Months ago I told her how we proceeded was entirely up to her; she chose to file the status quo, the child support suit, to separate and have an affair with no regard to how it would affect the girls, to keep me from my biological daughter as much as possible, all of it. She chose this path. And I said I am ok with where we are now, that these are consequences of separation and divorce and that it's not my problem if the consequences have proven unpalatable to her. I said "You reap what you sow, stbxw." And went dark.

I got more texts from her after that day, ranging from nice to snotty and everything in between. No response from me. She finally quieted down. About 2 weeks ago, I heard from a mutual friend who works with her that OM broke things off with her. I guess his wife thought they were done with their fling, but they had still been seeing each other behind her back. An ultimatum was involved; not sure if it was stbxw or OMW who gave the ultimatum, but it's over between them. The very next day, stbxw starts playing games and starts coming up with reasons to text me. Even before all this happened, my GF was getting messages from a random person (who we "know" to be my stbxw) on Facebook who said that I'm not to be trusted and that she thought she was the only person in my life once, too....blah blah blah.

Two days before Halloween, I texted stbxw reminding her that the judgment gives me our daughter for Halloween night this year. I was polite and cordial. She replied back and said that was fine and that she wanted to talk to me about D. I said okay, about what? And this is what she says:

"First, I'd just like to say that I am truly sorry for the way things panned out. I was scared and angry when I filed the status quo and other paperwork. I didn't know what to expect from you and so I acted rashly out of fear of..well a lot of things honestly. I don't hate you, and I'm truly happy that you seem to be happy with GF. I hope it works out for you. :)" Then she asks again if we can switch weekends so the girls can have a couple weekends together. She is nice about it. I tell her I'm at work but I'll think about it and let her know that evening. Later that evening, I tell her thank you for the apology but that it doesn't really mean anything to me at this point, and hat I don’t trust her and I have no reason to. But I also tell her that I’m open to her suggestion, but that the ink isn’t even dry on the judgment yet and I’m not okay with making changes right away. I said I think it’s prudent to wait a couple months for the dust to settle, and if things go okay between now and then, I’d be okay with revisiting this after the 1st of the year. She gently pushes, isn’t negative in any way, but said that she wants her girls to be happy and that we need to find a way to be amicable. I said I still feel like you’re blowing smoke and that the only reason you’ve apologized is because you want something from me and none of your prior tactics have worked. I said D has mentioned none of this to me, and she talks to me a lot. I said I don’t see what the rush is about, switching weekends won’t impact the judgment in anyway, and waiting a bit of time is not unreasonable. She says that she just doesn’t want them to suffer anymore, and that there is no rush if I think we should wait. She then said: “I’m doing my best to put any negative feelings for you aside and be friendly. You and I will probably never be friends, but maybe we can try.. We are both good people, but the situation has brought out the worst in us. I’m ashamed of the way I acted, regardless of whether or not my actions were driven by fear and anger. I don’t want to be an angry or scared person anymore, and I will do my best to show you that I do respect you as D’s father and a hugely important person in her life. She really does deserve the best from us and I’m doing what I can to live up to that. Anyway. Thanks for talking to me and taking what I said into consideration, It means a lot.”  I tell her I do want to be civil going forward, but that she’s going to have to work hard to earn my trust and that I have no desire for a friendship. I do agree that we do need to work together for D’s benefit and I hope this partnership can continue. She agreed.

That totally threw me for a loop. I never once thought she would ever apologize for her actions. She always blameshifts, and even still did to some degree. But I never thought that would happen. I’m still proceeding with signing the paperwork once the final draft is done. I’m still going to move on with my life. But this has shaken me a bit. I want to trust her, but I can’t. I feel I handled that exchange very well, but I feel like it’s all a day late and a dollar short.

Sigh. I guess I just needed to get this off my chest. Sorry for the length. If you made it this far, I owe you a cookie.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
I know what I DON'T want. I don't want to be Plan B. I don't want to be a backup plan. I don't want to be cheated on again. And I don't want the girls to go through this ever again. I'm not okay with ANY of that.
 

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I think your doing great, your STBXW created these wall that you had to put up to protect your emotions from more pain. You are reacting instinctivly out of self preservation.

Of course you were shaken you guys had a history that she had now ruined...hence the word "history". So I think its that history you once had that shakes you...but the reality is...it is a day late and a dollar short.

Hell brother who knows if it was sincere or she has an agenda....thats what happens when you betray someone, you don't know were the hell they are coming from so your instinct takes over and I think yours is right on.
 

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And I can't help but feel that she is still trying to manipulate me. The DAY after I found out OM broke things off with her, she was having stbxsd calling me crying. 24 hours later. Our mutual friend says she seems like she genuinely feels bad for how she's behaved, but how can I trust that? She had me fooled for months, being nice to me and acting like things were starting to get cool with us before I found out about her affair. From where I'm sitting, she's a fantastically good actress and can pull the wool over ANYONE's eyes. I'm just too damned cynical and jaded when it comes to her.
 

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You will know when its not munipulation when she can start to own her infidelity. The day she can admit to you and everyone else that what she did was wrong and only can blame her self.

When she steps back and gets the help she need in understanding her adoultous behaviors and learn the tools to inprove her self thru actions and not words.

I am talking a huge degree of submission on her part to own what she did and who she is. Then maybe its not some bull crap that only benifits her.

There is not even a test you could give her...like you said she is well versed in deciet. So only thru her actions and time can she even get close to being the mother she once was.

Also your friend doesn't get it its not about feeling bad, its all about remorse and the action one has in showing that remorse by the submission they provide.

See, there is a big difference between felling bad for hurting you but being justifies for what I did versus I feel bad for what I did in the actions and behavior I exhibited.

Lets face it she is lonely and give it time and some other guy will come around and she will be at it again.... treating you like crap.

But thats just me.... time will tell, right?
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Lets face it she is lonely and give it time and some other guy will come around and she will be at it again.... treating you like crap.
This x1000. I just don't think I can ever trust her again, under any circumstance. This essentially codified it into a simple understandable statement.
 

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Well then you are welcome.

Hell I just noticed you have been around TAM for a little while....come on dude you know the drill...start reading some threads.

This crap happens all the time.

You will get thru this and you know it.

I guess we all need a 2x4 over the head once in a while. LOL
 

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I don't even know how I would go about taking a look. And I'm not sure i I even want to.

At this point, my entire outlook is let her come to me. And even if she does, I'm not sure if I would want to rekindle anything. In the meantime, I'm not going to put my life on hold. My GF is everything I've ever wanted in a woman. It makes me sad that STBXW wasn't and missed the opportunity to prove she could become so.

I just feel better getting it off my chest. :) Thanks everyone!
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Tfg,
She isnt asking to be your one and only, she is only asking for a favor and is trying everything from naughty to nice. Dont read more into it. She might like to move back and use you as a baby sitter while she scouts for next om.

Do you remember what she did?
The one thing i have learned here is when people show you who they are by their actions BELIEVE them.
Do you really want that lying cheating bad mood diva back?

You new gf deserves better from you than this, she has never betrayed you or your trust.
Your wife is gone, and there is a poisonous toxic shape shifter living in her body.

If you got together with her you could NEVER trust her, dont get sucked in, you deserve better, enjoy you new life, let the past be the past.
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People make mistakes . People recognize their mistakes . People forgive others mistakes.

Anyone here that is perfect ? Anyone never made mistakes ?

You have GF and that make the situation extremely thin !
 

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My bad, she decided to have an open marriage with you and her mistake was that she forgot to tell you.

Your mistake will be to think you are anything but plan B!

I still say you are reading to much into it based on your post.
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Yep. I agree with you Madman. Thanks for the 2x4. We all need them from time to time, and you delivered yours exactly the way I needed. :)
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Tool I've been following your story for a while now and you'll be the biggest fool if you even consider giving her another chance after what she did and under these circumstances. Maybe in a few years if she somehow is truly remorseful and proves she's changed but not now. She's just fishing for some attention.
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I don't even know how I would go about taking a look. And I'm not sure i I even want to.

At this point, my entire outlook is let her come to me. And even if she does, I'm not sure if I would want to rekindle anything. In the meantime, I'm not going to put my life on hold. My GF is everything I've ever wanted in a woman. It makes me sad that STBXW wasn't and missed the opportunity to prove she could become so.

I just feel better getting it off my chest. :) Thanks everyone!
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I'm going to start a thread on "moving to the center of the triangle"

I must tell you that "increased attention" when things go bad with posOM is not a good start.;)



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:)
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I'm going to start a thread on "moving to the center of the triangle"

I must tell you that "increased attention" when things go bad with posOM is not a good start.;)
In the end it doesn't matter. Madman and Keko are right. She isn't worth it, hasn't really changed, most likely won't. I was never going to take her back. This thread was more to just vent...get out my frustrations with her. GF has never betrayed me, knows exactly what STBXW did, and has done everything possible to make me comfortable. That's all that matters. :)
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