Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 21 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
163 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
It has been a few weeks since I have posted. It is hard for me to read these posts lately because they are just too painful. There are links at the bottom of this post that will clear up who I am if you don't know me.

I am 11 days away from my final divorce hearing. He still wants to work things out. He just doesn't get that I have really had enough.

He said something yesterday when we were texting. He said that it would be a long time before he gets involved with anyone (yeah right) because no woman wants to be with a man who is in love with another woman. I told him that he hit the nail right on the head with that statement. I couldn't be with another man (him) because he took his ring off and told another woman he loved her while we were married.

Here I sit, over 90 days into this separation and I am no better than I was on day one. Yes, I have/am accomplishing things, but emotionally I am so f'ked up. I get so sad because this is coming to an end and I will never see nor talk to him again. Then I am still in shock because he betrayed me and LIED to me so many times before, during our marriage and twice during our separation. I just don't get his thinking. How can you take vows with someone and then totally fk up their mind and their kid's minds. How can you hurt children? My daughter, 16, had a major panic attack 2 nights ago. She is so fearful and overwhelmed at all he has done to us too. That is when I get so da#n angry. What kind of monster does these things to people he supposedly loves? How can he constantly try to manipulate me into ending the divorce? Does he really think that this could ever be fixed? Even if he was sincere and I was willing, there is no way that all the damage to my family could ever be undone.

I dread the end of this yet I can't wait to get it over at the same time. My father is going to divorce court with me. That night I am having a small get together with my friends. A "divorce party". I am baking a cake. It will be with the wedding cake topper with the groom sitting and the bride dragging him by the collar. There will be 7 graves on the cake with the names of the 7 women he betrayed me with. There will be an open grave that the "bride" will be dragging the "groom" towards. I am very much a cake decorator so this will be well within my expertise. I know it sounds morbid, but my mom says it will be good therapy for me to bury this marriage.

The problem is, I still can not wrap my head around what the hell has truly happened. Yes, I know what he has done, but it is so "far out" there that I just can't comprehend it all. What he has done just doesn't make sense. Nothing does. :scratchhead:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,122 Posts
First off...WILL take pics of that cake...I gotta see this! And yes...it is good therapy I think as well. Not morbid at all. Nothing wrong will a celebration of a new life and trying to find ways to end the old...cakes...people...gathering....support...I say good for you.

As for the wrapping your head around it...well that part sux. There is no good answer...your drinking the reality of it all in. Any answer you get will still be followed with the question 'why?'....'but why?'...and it will always be that way.

Your doing so much for your closure and I'm so proud and yet so jealous you get to do all this... I have little in real life support...and when he left I wasn't worthy of a phone call. Zero closure. Zip. None. Nada...and girl...I don't know 'why' I wasn't worth it to him...no one who knew us can figure it out as he was spoiled and got his needs met.

But this is about you...I bet it pulls at your heart strings that your stbx wants to and continuously bugs you about working it out...you have decided to get off your roller coaster ride for good and it's still hard...and dam it still hurts...it's going to hurt but you know your going to get through this ...I mean seriously...look at how far you have come...

I commend you!
Xoxox
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
163 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks Stella. Sometimes I think I am going to get through this. I see a bright future and so many opportunities. I can make my life what I want from here on out. Then there are the other times, when it gets so dark. When I feel the weight of it all. The pain comes rushing in like a tide and washes all the sandcastles away. The anger, the bitterness, the heartbreak, the darkness consumes me. I f%king hate him for what he has done to my mind.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,122 Posts
Thanks Stella. Sometimes I think I am going to get through this. I see a bright future and so many opportunities. I can make my life what I want from here on out. Then there are the other times, when it gets so dark. When I feel the weight of it all. The pain comes rushing in like a tide and washes all the sandcastles away. The anger, the bitterness, the heartbreak, the darkness consumes me. I f%king hate him for what he has done to my mind.
yea..I hear that...getting mind f'kd and heart f'kd...and just getting f'kd over in general sux...I love your analogy...your visual of a tide that comes in and washes the sandcastles away...rethink that...how about the tide comes in and washes all the dead old scaly fish away...the crud...and leaves the fresh new ...smooth sand...all pretty...without imprint...so you can imprint it yourself...any way you want...

You see, your in control now...taking back your life...you are at the end of cleaning up a mess...and with that does come the mental pain and anguish...it will come and go...but in the big picture...the entire beach is yours now baby...and no one is going to be there to hurt you...lie to you or give you false promises...

somewhere in there when you can...you need to forgive. Yea..ppfffttt.... me too... and I don't see that happening for me soon...but I know down the road...yanno...part of letting go is forgiving the one who put us through this he!!. Whether it be sooner or later...it's part of the healing...for ourselves. Again...I'm so angry I sure don't see it but I know at some point I have to do it. Even if it's on my death bed.

I dunno the above was even hard for me to type. :confused:

I hope to be where you are...your steadfast and sure. Dark moments or not...you bear a self confidence I really need.

Stick your finger in your cake in a really hidden area will you? And let that be a representation as a grave where I can burry my stbxh...because I also need to burry mine...:eek:

I like what your doing.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
210 Posts
Well,statistically I saw once that you should give yourself 1 year for every five years you were married to recover.I have been seperated for 2 years divorced for 1 this month.I can say now that I'm so glad I have not jumped into another relationship and have given myself time to heal.Clarity about what I want accomplish in life and the type of woman I need if there is going to be another I now have.Take your time,give yourself time,divorce is a very traumatic event when one has truly cared about their marriage. -Your ex is a pig,don't give him the time of day,so you can move on.This cake your coming up with sounds very interesting!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
163 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I don't know if I have self confidence or not. I do have determination. I have always been good at setting my mind to doing something and staying the course through hell or high water. It is one of the reasons, unfortunately, that I stayed with him through all the BS. I was determined to make him love me.

Through my group of girl friends I have determined a lot about myself. I am a junior high teacher in a good but very rough district. A damn good one. I take broken kids and fix them. I see good in even the worst children. I build a relationship with them and push them really hard. I don't give them a choice, but I am next to them helping all the time. I take over the mother role with a few of them completely. They answer to me. Their other teachers report to me about missing assignments and behavior. I teach them how they are supposed to act and behave and become organized. I make sure they do their work for all their classes. They do what they do at first because I make them. Then they do it because they know I care for them and they don't want to disappoint me. When they are successful, I whoop and holler and make a huge deal out of their success. The things that parents should do, if they had real parents. Then they see that they have this on their own and are able to function on their own. They become great.

The problem is that men are not children. I can not build relationships with them and get them to change because of their love for me. I can do this with kids because even the roughest little gang member has some goodness in there and can be fixed. They still want help. Men like Mike, they can't be fixed. He is grown and has made his own choices. No matter how much I love/loved him won't convince him to be a different person than who he is. HE says he will be now, but he can't be. I truly believe this. If there was a chance for change, he would have done it many women ago, when I was figuratively on the ledge ready to jump. He didn't give a [email protected]#k. The only reason he gives a f&^k now is because he doesn't have control. he will say and do anything to get me back.

Sorry buddy, you just lost the one woman who loved you. You lost the woman who loved you to the moon and back. You lost the woman who was faithful and never looked at another man. You lost a brilliant f%$king woman that changes lives. I caught you in a trap that was pure f**king genius. You are just mad mr. mike because I am better at your game than you are.

Oh, STELLA YOU WILL LOVE THIS...I had divorce invitations made up too. The front is cheetah print and it says...Now that I am rid of that cheeta..... I had, "I will be no man's consolation prize" printed on the inside.

I am going ALL OUT with this closure. I even have a brand new HOT but tasteful outfit for court. Even new shoes. I truly think this divorce is costing me more than the wedding. Oh well, if you have to do it, do it well, in style with a fabulous outfit and new hairdo that will burn an image of our last meeting in his mind for the rest of his life.

He lost a good woman, a compassionate and giving woman. I am a woman who takes care of people and he SH$T all over me. F#ck him and the horse he rode in on.

Damn, I am a little bitter tonight.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
163 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
gulfwarvet....

I agree with the no dating thing. I don't know how people jump into relationships right after they divorce. I don't see me dating for a long time, if ever. I have to get my head right. I have to figure out why I tolerated this to happen over and over to me and my kids. Something wrong there with my head.

Even though I get crazy like tonight and upset at times, I am really happy with how my life is turning out. Mainly because I have my family back. My son told me the other night that we have been through some rough things the past two years with my stbxh, but look at how strong we are now. We have each other back. My kids, 16, 17, and 20 are with me all the time. I cook for them, we talk and laugh. We are safe together in this home. We have relationships that are unheard of a mother having with TEENAGERS. We talk openly and honestly. If all of this had not happened, I don't think that we would be as close as we are. For that much, I can be thankful and grateful. I love my kids and they love me. My boys, who are not very little want a piece of him. My oldest played football in school and is pretty massive. My 17 year old, plays football too. He is all golden circle first team linebacker and fullback. MVP offensive player. He is no pansy. I'd say they have my back.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
210 Posts
You are truly a cool human being!! In an age where all too many people are self serving its good to see someone who is making a difference especially in the lives of young people.I would have to say in addition to being a pig your stbx is a bonafide jerk for betraying someone like you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
210 Posts
-Glad to hear your kids and you have come together so tight.My ex was abusive to the point it was getting detrimental to my kids.Since I put a stop to it my children have truly blossomed and I'm sure yours will too.If your boys ever get into it with the ass**** by all means have the camera at the ready and put it on youtube.:D
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,122 Posts
I don't know if I have self confidence or not. I do have determination. I have always been good at setting my mind to doing something and staying the course through hell or high water. It is one of the reasons, unfortunately, that I stayed with him through all the BS. I was determined to make him love me.

Through my group of girl friends I have determined a lot about myself. I am a junior high teacher in a good but very rough district. A damn good one. I take broken kids and fix them. I see good in even the worst children. I build a relationship with them and push them really hard. I don't give them a choice, but I am next to them helping all the time. I take over the mother role with a few of them completely. They answer to me. Their other teachers report to me about missing assignments and behavior. I teach them how they are supposed to act and behave and become organized. I make sure they do their work for all their classes. They do what they do at first because I make them. Then they do it because they know I care for them and they don't want to disappoint me. When they are successful, I whoop and holler and make a huge deal out of their success. The things that parents should do, if they had real parents. Then they see that they have this on their own and are able to function on their own. They become great.

The problem is that men are not children. I can not build relationships with them and get them to change because of their love for me. I can do this with kids because even the roughest little gang member has some goodness in there and can be fixed. They still want help. Men like Mike, they can't be fixed. He is grown and has made his own choices. No matter how much I love/loved him won't convince him to be a different person than who he is. HE says he will be now, but he can't be. I truly believe this. If there was a chance for change, he would have done it many women ago, when I was figuratively on the ledge ready to jump. He didn't give a [email protected]#k. The only reason he gives a f&^k now is because he doesn't have control. he will say and do anything to get me back.

Sorry buddy, you just lost the one woman who loved you. You lost the woman who loved you to the moon and back. You lost the woman who was faithful and never looked at another man. You lost a brilliant f%$king woman that changes lives. I caught you in a trap that was pure f**king genius. You are just mad mr. mike because I am better at your game than you are.

Oh, STELLA YOU WILL LOVE THIS...I had divorce invitations made up too. The front is cheetah print and it says...Now that I am rid of that cheeta..... I had, "I will be no man's consolation prize" printed on the inside.

I am going ALL OUT with this closure. I even have a brand new HOT but tasteful outfit for court. Even new shoes. I truly think this divorce is costing me more than the wedding. Oh well, if you have to do it, do it well, in style with a fabulous outfit and new hairdo that will burn an image of our last meeting in his mind for the rest of his life.

He lost a good woman, a compassionate and giving woman. I am a woman who takes care of people and he SH$T all over me. F#ck him and the horse he rode in on.

Damn, I am a little bitter tonight.

Was cheeta spelled Cheata? Now that I'm rid of that Cheat'a?

Invitations huh? Yep.. I love it...lmao!!!
Now I want to see a pic of you!!!

You should be bitter...you have every right to be bitter...be as bitter as you need to be until your not bitter...

Yes, he lost a good woman...and he will regret it forever...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
163 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Ok, I will take a pic soon and post it on here. I am kind of sad because I wont be able to post my divorce party, cake, or outfit until Easter on Facebook. I gave up facebook for Lent. I have obsession problems where I can't seem to stay off the "other women's" or his page. Not stalking really, just trying to figure it all out. This is how I found out he was back in contact with two women that he was involved with early on. I only hurt myself by being nosy. No...not hurt...f'ng FURIOUS would be more like it. Anyway, I gave up Facebook for Lent so God could take control of this. I can't handle it, so I am giving it up for 6 weeks. Maybe by then, I'll be a little more sane.

In the meantime, I am giving him over to God too. He knows what he has done and I am praying for vengeance. Is that wrong? The bible says that vengeance is his and that he protects those who love him so I don't think praying for God's vengeance is wrong. Anyway...the very first one he fooled with, died a year and a half ago of a drug overdose. One of the other earlier ones has cancer and will be dead in a year. I feel like this is God's vengeance, but I kinda feel sorry for them in a way. Now the ones who knowingly had a hand in destroying my marriage and life...I hate to see what God has in store for them. I hate to see what He has in store for Mike. I just pray and sit back and wait for God to do his thing. In all honestly, I know they will all pay at one point, but I don't know if I really want to see what God has in store. I have too much compassion. I want vengeance, but I don't want to know about it. It will happen. In a way, it already has. Mike lost me. He lost a family who loved him. His own daughter hates him for what he did to me. His son only uses him for money. He has no friends and his family has turned their back on him because of adultery (pentacostal women don't take kindly to that). He has nothing. I guess he needs to go find one of the women he cheated on me with. That kind of trash will take him in.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,122 Posts
Vengence is Gods...giving it to God/Christ is exactly that. You don't need to pray for 'vengence'...just ask God to do his will...but because these things happened to these women...you can't say that it's because of adultry...etc...truth is you will never know. You don't know their history or thier lives and you can't assume that what has gone on with them has anything to do with your husband or you...you just can't go there...the picture is just too big and is non of your concern...it's only His.


You need to pray for peace in your heart and ask for more of the Holy Spirit...not this vengence stuff... 'you know this'...and I know pentecostals;)

I wish bad things on my ex...I write them down on here etc...but when it comes to asking something from God...its for restoration and peace...in the beginning it was for my husband to adhere to become the Christian man he once was...for a brief time...but people are of their own free will...and they do reap what they sow and sometimes God just allows that...and that's enough...

Your husband lost you...his family...and more...

When you pray...ask for peace...:)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
210 Posts
I agree no need to pray for vengeance ."Vengeance is mine" says the Lord "I will repay" God is pretty direct on that.If you go by Jesus he says pray for your enemies.I prayed for my wife for a long time even when she was being just rotten during the divorce,I was hoping God would show her the light. I now believe God is leaving her to her own destruction as near as I can figure.Her boyfriend is still married and they take my daughter to church with his kids WTF?:scratchhead: I will never be in a relationship again with a woman who is not a true christian period.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
163 Posts
Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I agree no need to pray for vengeance ."Vengeance is mine" says the Lord "I will repay" God is pretty direct on that.If you go by Jesus he says pray for your enemies.I prayed for my wife for a long time even when she was being just rotten during the divorce,I was hoping God would show her the light. I now believe God is leaving her to her own destruction as near as I can figure.Her boyfriend is still married and they take my daughter to church with his kids WTF?:scratchhead: I will never be in a relationship again with a woman who is not a true christian period.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
163 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Posted via Mobile Device
I know I should pray for peace. I do pray with thankfulness despite my anger and bitterness. I have so much to be thankful for right now. That is what I need to concentrate on. I need to somehow let what he did go and find some sort of forgiveness at some point. I am so not there yet. It will be a while. All I know is that God saved me from all of this.He saved me from killing myuself. He brought my family back together. He can handle Mike. However he sees fit. I just need to at least pray that some of this anger will go away. That's for sure. That is why I'm off FB for a while. I have to get rid of this anger and give up the control it has on me right now. Still making the cake though. Lol
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,122 Posts
I know I should pray for peace. I do pray with thankfulness despite my anger and bitterness. I have so much to be thankful for right now. That is what I need to concentrate on. I need to somehow let what he did go and find some sort of forgiveness at some point. I am so not there yet. It will be a while. All I know is that God saved me from all of this.He saved me from killing myuself. He brought my family back together. He can handle Mike. However he sees fit. I just need to at least pray that some of this anger will go away. That's for sure. That is why I'm off FB for a while. I have to get rid of this anger and give up the control it has on me right now. Still making the cake though. Lol
Posted via Mobile Device

You and me both hun...I have a lot of anger in me also...a lot. I don't even see the end of it that it's so thick. What I do know is that it will end. I just don't know 'when'. I'm ok with that...I just don't mind being angry right now...it does take up a lot of energy though...lol...it does. Some days I'm just pure sad.

And some days I'm merely 'ok'...and know that he's just going to live his life never being content...and I take satisfaction in that. My stbxh is truely messed up in the head because he refused help...and there he will remain...forever broken.

Not my problem anymore.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
163 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 ·
I woke up not feeling any anger today. That's good. Many mornings I still wake up remembering and feel either very sad or angry. Today...nothing. I don't even know what I'm going to do today.

10 days until my divorce and 9 days until I start my master's degree. I am really excited about that. I also have funding that will pay for about 3/4 of it. In about 18 months, I will hopefully get a job where I can show other teachers how to do what I do. If not, and I choose to stay in the classroom, I can teach college courses on the side. About 8 of my master level courses will be math so I will meet the requirements to teach regular math at the college level. I just need to increase or supplement my income in some way.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
210 Posts
Glad your off to a healthy start this morning, sounds like you've got such a good thing going in life in education.
I know for a long time after my seperation I would wake up and literally it felt like someone had punched me in the gut.
I'm under the impression for a lot of people here their divorce is the second time around?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
163 Posts
Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Truth, truth, truth. I seek and demand truth....so here it is. I am divorcing my third husband (I'm 43). I got married right out of high school. That lasted a year. Big mistake. I was married to my kids father for 18 years. That shows I can hold down a relationship. We divorced and I married my stbxh. I have known him for about 6 years, socially, married 1 1/2 years. He used to coach my oldest boys baseball team and I coached his/my daughters softball team. I thought I knew enough about his character to date him. I was so wrong. I saw what he wanted people to see. Generous, fun, good with kids. I didn't know that he was a womanizer, controlling, crazy rules, selfish, liar and cheater. He is very good at hiding these things. He is very good at manipulating situations and getting people to do his will. He is a pro at blame shifting. At one point he is remorseful and trying to seek help. Other times he is vicious and cruel to everyone he can blame for what he has done.

As far as today, Im going to hang out at the house with my dog for a while. Then, I am going to take myself shopping and out to eat. There is an Italian place I like to go when I'm alone. I sit in the bar area simply because around 4-5 on Saturday afternoons there is hardly anyone there and I feel safe. I will treat myself to a delicious early supper and a few adult beverages. I will then come home, take a long hot bath and read Southern Living magazine. I will turn in early because Saturday nights alone are usually very dark for me. That's ok because I know that Sunday mornings are very bright and I get to go to church.
 
1 - 20 of 21 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top