[lewmin]

OK here goes. Married nearly 27 years. I'm 56 years old, wife is 52. 2 children, aged 24 and 20. Wife always talks about what a great marriage we have. Friends always tell her she is lucky to be married to me (and I felt the same about her). Overall some issues, one is that my wife is more touchy-feely-huggy than me, I express my love in different ways.

She is an established realtor and about a year or so ago, she had a new business partner. I has suspected something was amiss, but being a very trusting person, I let it go. This business partner and his wife (they have three younger kids, aged 11, 13, and 16) also got together with me and my wife periodically for socializing.

Fast forward to last week of September. My wife leaves her computer on and all I see on the screen are emails to this other person. Well it was sickening to say the least. Since late November my wife and this guy have been in a toxic, addictive, emotional, physical love affair. Love notes at night, poems, cd's with songs - almost like two 17 year olds. In addition, when searching my wife' closet I found additional stuff that made me want to throw up.

My wife had to own up to everything. She was always against people having affairs inside of a marriage, and now she was one of them. She said she knows she is completely wrong, and that she is so sorry all the time. However, the amount of lying she did to me to be with him is staggering. I always thought my wife was an honest person with good values - now I feel that she has betrayed the basic foundation of a marriage.

We are seeing a MC. I told wife that no contact with the other person (he moved to a different office). I also emailed him and told him to stay away. Sadly, I found out that my wife betrayed me again because she wanted "to reach closure" with him. So they met one more time, Her token line is that her plan is to recommit to the marriage, she would love to do so, but she has to get this man completely out of her head first and she has not done this as of yet. My wife also understands that this person is not leaving his own marriage for now (for the kids).

I do not recognize myself for the past 5 weeks. Shock, anger, resentment, jealousy, rage, everything you can imagine. One minute I threaten to throw her out or start divorcing her the next minute I'm on a fact finding mission and talking calmly to her. I feel I should make a decision once my emotions calm down a little - which they are beginning to do. I still can not fathom the amount of deceit and lying after being together for so long.

Some strange points. During the affair, my wife continued to be very sweet to me all the time. Also, my wife always, until DDay, initiated conversations about retirement, buying a vacation home, and growing old together.

My wife says that she still loves me, and that we should not be concerned about the other couple. She has apologized a million times. The OM would like to leave his wife, but will likely not do so. I told my wife that I never want to be a "backup plan" but she said I'm not. (I don't 100% believe it).

So, I guess realistically, my wife could tell me that she does not think of this person anymore, but that would be dishonest. After 5 weeks, I guess it would be hard to get this person out of your mind completely. So, I'm at the crossroads and I'm going to talk to my MC on Friday to get her take. I think I'm ready to boot her out if I have to or see if this could be fixed. I'd like it to be a success story if it could be.

Thanks for listening.

 

[TBT]

Sorry for the situation you find yourself in lewmin.If you do have a mind to R then the first thing you should do is make sure the OMW knows what's going on.Chances are he will throw your wife under the bus to save himself.

 

[the guy]

The best way to get the OM (other man) out of your WW (wayward wife) head is by exposing the A (affair) to the OMW (other mans wife). The OM will thru your wife under the bus in a heart beat to save his own @ss, and when that is done your WW will see the OM true colors.

The other reason to expose the A to OMW is now you have a second set of eyes on any chance they reconnect.


The consequences of exposure will show you how much your WW really owns her mistake.

Do not tell your wife but contact the OMW and let her know that you support both marriage but she needs to know about the A and her help in in preventing the A from starting back up.


On a side note the OMW may have suspected and now the two of you can compare notes and see if there are any inconsistantcies in there story.

 

[Why Not Be Happy?]

Yes---you need to speak to the other guy's wife face to face to compare information, etc. (if possible).

 

[warlock07]

does this guy's wife know?

 

[the guy]

So many betrayed shy away from exposure only to find out the A went deeper underground.

There are consequences for your WW and OM and one of them is exposure. Make no mistake this is not about being vandictive this is about protecting your self.

See you wife can either except this consequence or she can get really pissed....show how much she wants to protect the OM. Which is a good sign that once the dust clears they will start back up in the future. Exposure will give you the best chance in making this A as inconvient and as uncomfortable to start back up.

Please expose the A and see how remorseful your wife realy is by excepting this consequences. God I hope she excepts it!

So often I see fake R time and again. When the A starts up again only then the betrayed expose the A only to find out how WW really feels after months of more lies and deceit. Its even more painful the 2nd time around.

Do your best to avoid d-day #2 and expose the A.

 

[the guy]

Did I write "mistake" I ment "choice"

 

[walkonmars]

Your story is not unusual. Not one bit. I know that doesn't help but you have company. A lot of company. This board is filled with your brothers and sisters in similar situations. They are JUST like you. Crushed. In Shock. Beside themselves with fear, anger, pain, feelings of loss - all in different combinations and sometimes all at once.

Calm your spirit. Take deep breaths. What's done is done. You had no part, no fault, no responsibility for this deceit.

At some point your wife made a conscious decision to commit adultery. A conscious decision to deceive you. A conscious decision to permit herself to love another man.

As I said what's done is done. She did it.

What are you going to do? Can you bear this level of deceit?
This level of disrespect for you, for your marriage, for her vows?

First you need, NEED to inform the wife of this adulterer. Like you, she had no say in the matter. Like you she needs to know what level of treachery her spouse is capable of. This is not vengeance or revenge on your part. It is an act of compassion toward a fellow human. A fellow betrayed human.

You were not wrong in having trust in your wife. That's what spouses do. What faithful spouses give and receive. You can no longer have that trust in her. Not for a while, maybe not ever. Can you put up with that? But you are not even at a point where you can consider that.

I don't expect she'll do it, but she should write a letter to the betrayed wife apologizing for her role in the possible destruction of two families. She owes HER an explanation - she does NOT owe him "closure" - that's total, and I mean TOTAL nonsense.

Some of your brothers and sisters on this board have reconciled successfully. What most had in common was this:

Upon discovery the adulterous spouse BROKE contact with the OM. Completely. Totally. Forever.

There were no tearful goodbyes. No wistful partings. No, "if onlys". This does not bode well for you.

Why did she do it? No, it wasn't you. It was her. Why?

As long as she pines for him there is no point in going to MC. Not unless he goes too since he's still part of your marriage. At least in her mind. Not at all.

BUT you should, must seek counseling to clarify your view of yourself, your wife, and your marriage.

I'm older than you. I don't fear going into retirement alone. I would rather be alone than with someone I don't trust and respect.

At this time she's being lovey with you. Trying to get you on board. Get with the program. Let bygones be bygones. NO WAY.

SHE has a lot of work to do. Both on herself and for the state of your family.

She needs to inform your children that there is tension in your family. Tension she precipitated. Tension she owns. She should do this not as penance or as a form of punishment, but needed information. Surely your children will notice the freeze in your relations.

They don't HAVE to know the details or that she committed adultery but that she hurt you and your marriage. Hurt it and you badly. That you may not recover and if not then the mantle of destruction falls on her shoulders only.

 

[underwater2010]

My wife says that she still loves me, and that we should not be concerned about the other couple.

You need to tell the BW. Two sets of eyes are better than one to end an affair. And of course she does not want the BW to know.

She has apologized a million times. The OM would like to leave his wife, but will likely not do so. I told my wife that I never want to be a "backup plan" but she said I'm not. (I don't 100% believe it).

So, I guess realistically, my wife could tell me that she does not think of this person anymore, but that would be dishonest.

It would be dishonest. The affair did not end on its own, it ended because you caught them. Be fair and do not expect her to tell she does not think of MOM.

After 5 weeks, I guess it would be hard to get this person out of your mind completely. So, I'm at the crossroads and I'm going to talk to my MC on Friday to get her take. I think I'm ready to boot her out if I have to or see if this could be fixed. I'd like it to be a success story if it could be.

Wether or not it will be a sucess story depends on how involved your WW is willing to be in reconiliation. If she is not willing to do the work, then it is a no go.

 

[costa200]

Some strange points. During the affair, my wife continued to be very sweet to me all the time. Also, my wife always, until DDay, initiated conversations about retirement, buying a vacation home, and growing old together.

How sick is that?

 

[the guy]

How sick is that?

Sure its sick, it also makes me thinK the OM was plan B. Lets face it, what better way for a wayward to get rid of the guilt by telling them selves the A makes for a better marriage.

Sure she made a selfish choice to think of only her self to have this A with no regards to how it hurt others...classic case of intitlement issues. Especially after years of self sacrifice...right?
WW goes into this A knowing its not going anywere, yet does it any way......
Hell ya its sick but not surprising in this case!

 

[Emerald]

OK here goes. Married nearly 27 years. I'm 56 years old, wife is 52. 2 children, aged 24 and 20. Wife always talks about what a great marriage we have. Friends always tell her she is lucky to be married to me (and I felt the same about her). Overall some issues, one is that my wife is more touchy-feely-huggy than me, I express my love in different ways.

She is an established realtor and about a year or so ago, she had a new business partner. I has suspected something was amiss, but being a very trusting person, I let it go. This business partner and his wife (they have three younger kids, aged 11, 13, and 16) also got together with me and my wife periodically for socializing.

Fast forward to last week of September. My wife leaves her computer on and all I see on the screen are emails to this other person. Well it was sickening to say the least. Since late November my wife and this guy have been in a toxic, addictive, emotional, physical love affair. Love notes at night, poems, cd's with songs - almost like two 17 year olds. In addition, when searching my wife' closet I found additional stuff that made me want to throw up.

My wife had to own up to everything. She was always against people having affairs inside of a marriage, and now she was one of them. She said she knows she is completely wrong, and that she is so sorry all the time. However, the amount of lying she did to me to be with him is staggering. I always thought my wife was an honest person with good values - now I feel that she has betrayed the basic foundation of a marriage.

We are seeing a MC. I told wife that no contact with the other person (he moved to a different office). I also emailed him and told him to stay away. Sadly, I found out that my wife betrayed me again because she wanted "to reach closure" with him. So they met one more time, Her token line is that her plan is to recommit to the marriage, she would love to do so, but she has to get this man completely out of her head first and she has not done this as of yet. My wife also understands that this person is not leaving his own marriage for now (for the kids).

I do not recognize myself for the past 5 weeks. Shock, anger, resentment, jealousy, rage, everything you can imagine. One minute I threaten to throw her out or start divorcing her the next minute I'm on a fact finding mission and talking calmly to her. I feel I should make a decision once my emotions calm down a little - which they are beginning to do. I still can not fathom the amount of deceit and lying after being together for so long.

Some strange points. During the affair, my wife continued to be very sweet to me all the time. Also, my wife always, until DDay, initiated conversations about retirement, buying a vacation home, and growing old together.

My wife says that she still loves me, and that we should not be concerned about the other couple. She has apologized a million times. The OM would like to leave his wife, but will likely not do so. I told my wife that I never want to be a "backup plan" but she said I'm not. (I don't 100% believe it).

So, I guess realistically, my wife could tell me that she does not think of this person anymore, but that would be dishonest. After 5 weeks, I guess it would be hard to get this person out of your mind completely. So, I'm at the crossroads and I'm going to talk to my MC on Friday to get her take. I think I'm ready to boot her out if I have to or see if this could be fixed. I'd like it to be a success story if it could be.

Thanks for listening.

What you need to realize is that married men with families rarely leave to be with the OW.

It means nothing that the OM said he would leave his wife for your wife if it were not for the children. Divorce is very messy, costly & inconvenient for them.

No need to buy the cow when the milk is free.

Please contact his wife & let her know - she deserves to know, she may already know.

I am very sorry about all of this.

 

[mahike]

lewmin

Sorry you are here. I was married 29 years before I caught my wife in a 10 month PA with someone she reconnected with at her class reunion

It hurts and I am sure you are having mind movies about what happened. if you want to R you need to be tough. This was something I was not good at. I have always tried to take the high road and be a reasonable person.

Throw that out the door. You need to tell your wife BS to closure. She does not have an option in regards to this and then expose to the OMW. She has the right to know what a POS she is married too. Expose this to family and friends. That was MY BIG MISTAKE!!!!

She will yell and scream about crossing the line and her dignity. Just tell her she lost that when she dropped her panties.

The next thing you demand is that you both get checked for STDS!! That is a must. I will bet you big bucks they had unprotected sex. She will lie about that. She has to rebuild your trust everything she has done or said is a lie.

MC is good but your wife reconnected for BS closure because she does not think you will leave her. You have to make her understand that is a real possability.

 

[LetDownNTX]

What you need to realize is that married men with families rarely leave to be with the OW.

Im curious to know if that is the general consensus at TAM or if there is a statistic somewhere stating this?

Just curious?!

 

[bigtone128]

Well it was sickening to say the least. Since late November my wife and this guy have been in a toxic, addictive, emotional, physical love affair.

She was always against people having affairs inside of a marriage,
My wife the same
However, the amount of lying she did to me to be with him is staggering.
Mine as well
I always thought my wife was an honest person with good values - now I feel that she has betrayed the basic foundation of a marriage.
Me too
I found out that my wife betrayed me again because she wanted "to reach closure" with him.
That would be it for me right there
get this man completely out of her head first and she has not done this as of yet.
Why are you so nice - she had no proble getting you out of her head.

I still can not fathom the amount of deceit and lying after being together for so long.
Me as well - I could not believe the woman I thought was so honest - turned into this lying deceitful person - I see her differently now.
Some strange points. During the affair, my wife continued to be very sweet to me all the time.
Mine as well, I got numerous texts which stated "I love you" before she walked out the door.
After 5 weeks, I guess it would be hard to get this person out of your mind completely.
Why so nice - she has no problem getting you out of her head when she is with
the other guy time to "man up".
I think I'm ready to boot her out if I have to or see if this could be fixed.
There you go......more of that - the success comes after you man up bud!

Thanks for listening.

 

[CH]

How sick is that?

Backup plan. You gotta stay nice to the bread and butter until Plan A becomes reality. Once plan A is on, that's usually when the WS gives the ILYBNILWY speech. Until they know Plan A is almost 100% they will play nice. BTW, no need asking if you were Plan A or Plan B, a cheater will almost never tell the truth on this one unless you strap them to a polygraph test.

I did this, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice then Leave me alone, you're stifling me, you're a pest, you're too needy, blah, blah, blah.

 

[ing]

You have become a family member. Husband and friend, but the lover is not you. She believes you offer unconditional love and she believes that you will always be there. It is why she can so neatly separate it all out. Lover and Hubby. Easy!

If you go ballistic on her she will see you as suddenly abusive. If you let it go she will feel she has a right to continue the affair or expect you to suck it up.

Even after it has gone it's full course which may be 2 years the feelings will remain that she did you a favour by coming back

After 27 years it is all so much more complicated. Everything has been shared for your life. All that is being ripped apart but I doubt she will believe this from you because she knows how hard it will be for you to start again.
She knows that you love her and she believes that your love is unconditional. Twice you see.

Wanting to reconcile at this point it pointless. She just betrayed your trust. She just told you her problems with being with the other man. How hard was that to listen to? 'Oh he won't leave her.. sob sob"
She will say that you are Plan A [ i got the same words]

When the hell did she get to rewrite the rules and have two plans?

Listen to what she is saying. It will hurt like nothing has hurt before and don't be ashamed of that.

The pain is the pain of a failed love and a 27 year old love invokes an awful lot of pain. More than you think you can stand sometimes. It goes on for a long time too.

Get some meds. Your best chance now it is to detach from her and the only way you are going to be able to really do that is to medicate yourself into detachment.
You can not pretend anything with her. She knows you too well.

I am so sorry to see you here.

A success story?
27 years married. Didn't cheat. You are top of the old person dating tree dude.

Act like it.

 

[Acabado]

Do you want to know whether you are number one or two?

Make OM aviable to her.

Expose him to the fullest. Save all the evidence and tell to OMs wife. Let the chips fall where they may. Watch your wife's reaction. Snoop on her while all the aftermath of exposure is happening. Get an ally into seeing this from the other side.

Put yor feet down:

Demand from your wife a NC letter (ask us for templates).
Demand full access to their affair tools, the comunication devices, make her acountable of her whereabouts.
Make her get an STD test.
Make her chargue jobs or retire.

Tell her to convince you she's worth to stay for a single minute more.
Talk to a lawyer, find your rights, the potential scenarios.
Tell your wife you are going to file tomorrow unless she agrees to all your demands NOW.
Tell her it's up to her to fix what she broke. To get advice abvout how to fix it.

If not you move on.

 

[jim123]

You made a mistake by not taking charge right away. If the WS is not fully remorsefull and ends the affair, you had to act quickly.

The guy is in her head because you allow it. Her marriage was possibly ending she still goes to see him. He is still in her head. You are at friend status. She takes you for granted and will now until you end that.

You need to take control. You need to stand up for yourself.

Step One-Talk to OMW and disclose.
Step Two-Tell where they work
Step Three- She tells the kids
Step Four-You tell everyone else
Step Five-You pack her things and make her move out
Step Six-You File D.

When you file D it does not mean it will end that way. You need to end all the bull now or it will continue and will only get worse.

Get in the power position and control your marriage and your life.

Do the 180 and start fixing you. No contact with her until you are feeling better.

 

[Jonesey]

Im curious to know if that is the general consensus at TAMNo is not. At least here in Scandinavia,it is a statistical proven fact.Men does not leave there marriage´s.It very rare that men are emotional invested in the other woman.For a lot of men that cheat´s,for them its just a prolonged one night stand.
Where they ,will say and behave in a manner that will ensure them, a steady stream of sex.
And those "men" that "turns" up "leaving" its just simply a case of being booted out.


or if there is a statistic somewhere stating this?

Just curious?!