Hello all,
Sporadic browser here, first time poster. This seems like a good community for frank discussions, so I thought I'd give it a shot.
My wife and I have been married almost seventeen years. For nearly the last three years we've had virtually no sex at all. The last time we had sex was in September of 2011. And that was part of a brief, one-week period of actual interest, after a year or more without sex before that.
When we first got together, she was actually more interested in sex than I was. We've always enjoyed ourselves and each other, never seemed to have any problems with compatibility or chemistry. Yes, like any couple we went through drier spells, but those might last a few weeks or a month or so at most. This time it's different.
Every time I've approached her in the last year and a half she's flat-out said she's not interested. I've said I'm frustrated by not having any sex, she says not her problem. I've said I really want to be close to her again, she says go hire a hooker. Seriously, she said that. I finally just lost my temper at one point and told her she's turned me into a monk at the age of forty, and I did not sign up for this celibacy sh1t.
I've never cheated on her, never even talked to another woman in any kind of way that could ever even possibly lead in that direction. To my knowledge, she's never cheated on me. But at this point, I'm just done with it.
I asked her to go to counseling, she said she wanted me in therapy alone for at least six months before she'd start working on "us" issues. This after I've been in treatment since 2003.
We separated back in 2009, and that seemed like the end of things, but I lost my job and wound up having to move back in because otherwise I was homeless. Since then, I've tried to work on things as a couple. But she's told me she doesn't know why I keep fighting for something she doesn't want. She's also said that she's just waiting for me to realize it's over and make the decision to leave (the last separation she kicked me out, and when my kids asked me why I was leaving suddenly I flat out told them to go ask her, it was her decision). She's repeatedly told me that taking me back in was the worst mistake she ever made. And whenever I've brought up anything I'm unhappy with, or that I want to see changed, about us, or the kids, or her, she's said if I don't like things, just leave.
Well, two weeks before Valentine's I sat down with her and told her I don't think we've been married for years, and we just need to accept that it is what it is. I said her absolute lack of interest was just too much, and I couldn't set aside being asked why I was fighting for what she doesn't want.
This prompted no fight. No major blowup or anything (and we fight with each other a LOT, always have, verbally). She went on like normal, which confused the hell out of me. I'd just told her I think we're over, and have been over for some time, and she's just do-de-do-de-do. Turns out, she took my statement that I think we're over to be "let's work on us." And she went about planning a Valentine's dinner after which she'd finally have sex with me after well over a year.
We finally did have the fight where the air got cleared, but in really nasty fashion. One of our girls even heard it, to my eternal shame. Now we know we're done.
The sad thing is, after I had re-stated that no, I really meant we're over, I thought through what I was really upset about, and it wasn't even the sex thing. At least, not first and foremost. I finally told her I would come back if she could make two promises: 1) Never tell me again that taking me back was the worst mistake of her life; and 2) Never tell me again that if I don't like something I should just leave. I didn't even include the sex thing in what I asked of her.
She refused. Not, she says, because the requests were unreasonable, but because I had given her an ultimatum. She's not about to give in to any sort of "or else" proposition. So now we really are heading to divorce court.
But after the decision is made, and confirmed by both of us, she comes back to me and says she really did intend for Valentine's day to be a new start. She just realizes now that it's too late.
It all seems very stupid, and avoidable, and more than a little sad. But I find myself oddly at peace. I think I've stayed this long out of fear of losing my kids, and fear of being alone forever after. Now I'm to the point where I will just deal with loneliness if that's the outcome. As for the kids, well, I'm worried but hopeful...
Sporadic browser here, first time poster. This seems like a good community for frank discussions, so I thought I'd give it a shot.
My wife and I have been married almost seventeen years. For nearly the last three years we've had virtually no sex at all. The last time we had sex was in September of 2011. And that was part of a brief, one-week period of actual interest, after a year or more without sex before that.
When we first got together, she was actually more interested in sex than I was. We've always enjoyed ourselves and each other, never seemed to have any problems with compatibility or chemistry. Yes, like any couple we went through drier spells, but those might last a few weeks or a month or so at most. This time it's different.
Every time I've approached her in the last year and a half she's flat-out said she's not interested. I've said I'm frustrated by not having any sex, she says not her problem. I've said I really want to be close to her again, she says go hire a hooker. Seriously, she said that. I finally just lost my temper at one point and told her she's turned me into a monk at the age of forty, and I did not sign up for this celibacy sh1t.
I've never cheated on her, never even talked to another woman in any kind of way that could ever even possibly lead in that direction. To my knowledge, she's never cheated on me. But at this point, I'm just done with it.
I asked her to go to counseling, she said she wanted me in therapy alone for at least six months before she'd start working on "us" issues. This after I've been in treatment since 2003.
We separated back in 2009, and that seemed like the end of things, but I lost my job and wound up having to move back in because otherwise I was homeless. Since then, I've tried to work on things as a couple. But she's told me she doesn't know why I keep fighting for something she doesn't want. She's also said that she's just waiting for me to realize it's over and make the decision to leave (the last separation she kicked me out, and when my kids asked me why I was leaving suddenly I flat out told them to go ask her, it was her decision). She's repeatedly told me that taking me back in was the worst mistake she ever made. And whenever I've brought up anything I'm unhappy with, or that I want to see changed, about us, or the kids, or her, she's said if I don't like things, just leave.
Well, two weeks before Valentine's I sat down with her and told her I don't think we've been married for years, and we just need to accept that it is what it is. I said her absolute lack of interest was just too much, and I couldn't set aside being asked why I was fighting for what she doesn't want.
This prompted no fight. No major blowup or anything (and we fight with each other a LOT, always have, verbally). She went on like normal, which confused the hell out of me. I'd just told her I think we're over, and have been over for some time, and she's just do-de-do-de-do. Turns out, she took my statement that I think we're over to be "let's work on us." And she went about planning a Valentine's dinner after which she'd finally have sex with me after well over a year.
We finally did have the fight where the air got cleared, but in really nasty fashion. One of our girls even heard it, to my eternal shame. Now we know we're done.
The sad thing is, after I had re-stated that no, I really meant we're over, I thought through what I was really upset about, and it wasn't even the sex thing. At least, not first and foremost. I finally told her I would come back if she could make two promises: 1) Never tell me again that taking me back was the worst mistake of her life; and 2) Never tell me again that if I don't like something I should just leave. I didn't even include the sex thing in what I asked of her.
She refused. Not, she says, because the requests were unreasonable, but because I had given her an ultimatum. She's not about to give in to any sort of "or else" proposition. So now we really are heading to divorce court.
But after the decision is made, and confirmed by both of us, she comes back to me and says she really did intend for Valentine's day to be a new start. She just realizes now that it's too late.
It all seems very stupid, and avoidable, and more than a little sad. But I find myself oddly at peace. I think I've stayed this long out of fear of losing my kids, and fear of being alone forever after. Now I'm to the point where I will just deal with loneliness if that's the outcome. As for the kids, well, I'm worried but hopeful...