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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
There is so much talk about both. How does one know which is the right thing to do?

They say don't chase love and affection, it should be given freely. And i agree 100%. They also say dont rush things and trust "the plan." Again, i agree 100%.

But on the flip side, they also say you dont get anywhere if you arent willing to take risks. Dont settle, make things happen for yourself because nothing is going to be handed to you. I also agree with this 100%.

Im confused. Lol! How does one know which approach to take in a situation?

Yes, i overthink things. Lol!
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The difference between the two concepts is other people. The only thing you have any control over is yourself. Relationships require a bit of strategy depending on the personality of the person you're dealing with. Everyone is different.

Feel free to take risks and to go after what you want but don't be surprised to find the other person has their own baggage and agenda.

It's complicated.
 

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There are ways to show someone you are interested, without "chasing love".

I'd say, if you want to improve your situation, then yes, go for it & make the changes,... take the risk. But, do it at a normal pace. Let it flow natuarally.. Ie: Don't try to FORCE the situation or the conversation. Like I said, you can show you are interested without pushing unwanted feelings onto someone else.
 

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It's a mix of both. YOU make yourself available to someone. The risk you take is that they may spurn your efforts. But people who have a healthy level of self esteem know that the other person must meet you some of the way.

Other than that, I think that the rules are different for men and women.

Men know that they need to approach a woman that they are interested in. A couple of guys have admitted to me that an LTR has NEVER resulted from the woman approaching him first. Oh well.....

Women need to be receptive... to be able to identify when a guy is interested; also, I have read that while men prefer to approach, they like seeing signals from a woman that he will not be spurned........

Also when need to know when to hold out...... my exH (of 10 years) made a surprise visit to me Valentine's Day weekend. I was planning to drive to Montreal with some friends. I was dating this half assed guy at the time but decided not to invite him with us to Montreal that weekend because I could foresee bigger and better things happening that weekend.......

You need to become strategic in your thinking......
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Very good responses, no help whatsoever! Lol! ;)

I dont suppose there is any real help though. Its just one of those things....

I guess my biggest problem is that Im impatient. Although im much better than i use to be!

My situation is the stereotypical "crush on guy at work" one. I havent put my life on hold.....ive dated and met men. And i certainly am NOT looking to rush into anything. Just want to get to know him better.

Ive been crushing since last february. Lol! A mutual coworker friend kinda tried to introduce us back in march and that was a disaster. Haha! He seemed super not intersted and almost annoyed. So i gave it up completely.

But we would always say hi and give each other smiles when we saw each other in the hallways and whatnot (we dont interact that much.) And in october we saw each other at a local event and couldnt keep our eyes off each other. I was floored. But before he could work his way back over to me, i ran. Hid like a lil wussy. Lol!

He actually came to chat with me in my cubicle a few days after that. I stuttered and stumbled all over myself and sounded like a general idiot. Lol! But he asked me if i was planning on going to another event that upcoming weekend. He wasnt asking me to go with him, i paid close attention. I said i prolly was. And he said it should be fun, gave me a million dollar smile and left.

I showed up to the event dolled up and adorable, excited as all get out to possibly run into him. Which i did! And the barbie doll blonde he showed up with. (Bubble BUSTED.)

I made sure to put on my best smile and say something to him that night. And i made sure to act like i was having a wonderful time with my friends (act. Haha!)

Fast forward a few weeks, and i run into him in the hall again, and i get an enthusiastic, "hey girl!"

Really? Haha! I said hey back and havent run into him since.

Im crazy frustrated! Lol!
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Part of me thinks hes just playing with me, but i dont know if hes like that or not. Its no secret i am crushing on him. Every woman (married or not, lol) crushes on him. Hes THAT guy. And im pretty sure he knows it. Lol!
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GA HEART said: Part of me thinks hes just playing with me, but i dont know if hes like that or not. Its no secret i am crushing on him. Every woman (married or not, lol) crushes on him. Hes THAT guy. And im pretty sure he knows it. Lol!
I wouldn't see this as playing, he sounds like he is just being "friendly" and nothing more. You're a co-worker, you both :) and have a few chats at work = normal.

In this respect, I wouldn't be taking any big risks to wheel this one in... Like you said...he is the type all the women crush on. Those men KNOW who they can have , they have that beaming confidence they can pick among the flock of all the beauties too.

This guy doesn't need fixed up.
 

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They say don't chase love and affection, it should be given freely. And i agree 100%. They also say dont rush things and trust "the plan." Again, i agree 100%. But on the flip side, they also say you dont get anywhere if you arent willing to take risks. Dont settle, make things happen for yourself because nothing is going to be handed to you. I also agree with this 100%.
I don't believe in chasing love, it comes as opportunities I found. However, acting on these opportunities = taking risks.
 

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Sorry to coin the movie.. but "He's just not that into you".

He probably thinks you've gotten over him as a crush. He's just being friendly now.

I think you should be civil & nice to him, but don't "put yourself out there" to show that you are super interested. If he asks you out... THEN you can flirt. But it sounds like you shouldn't hold your breath.

You've shown you were interested before & he didn't take the bait. Let that fish go. But keep your hook in the water. A better bigger , hunkier, sexier, nicer, more compatible fish will come along someday.
 

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I think the 'taking risks' part is putting yourself out there and letting your feelings be known. I did this knowing the risk was he probably didn't feel the same way based on a change in behavior. So I put it out there which was the risk.

Was it better than laying back and waiting for a definitive answer? Yes. It sucked but each day is a little better and I'm a little more accepting and taking small steps forward. At this rate I feel in a month or two I'll be back to normal and ready to close one door to allow others to open.
 

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Why not just be yourself and see what happens? Why try to, in essence, trick anyone into something they don't want to do or seeing something that is really not there? This is the start of a bad relationship, in my opinion.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Lol, 2ntnuf, i am being myself! I learned a long time ago to not put on a face.... me acting like i was having fun at the event was because i refused to show how bummed i really was. I did have a good time, but i was bummed.

And thanks everyone......i guess i know youre all right, it just kinda stinks is all. Lol!
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In general the answer is "take chances".

And I do think women need to remember that men are just as scared of rejection as we are...so you have to smile and "be open"...

But you don't want to be a girl that aggressively chases guys...with few exceptions...that almost never works out well

So it's a fine line....if you have a specific scenario to describe it might be helpful in giving you advice
 

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Was described in more detail ~ post #5
Yikes!! yes it was...thank-you SimplyAmorous!

Sorry OP.

Hmm...

Okay...well it's clear you're not aggressively chasing him...so..that's not an issue here...

So my first question is: Are you facebook friends with him? Have you fbook stalked him (I'm sure I would've)...

Is the blonde his g/f?

It's funny...I think I responded to your thread because the title resonated with me too

I know your dilemma...my best friend had the book "He's Just Not that into You"...and I remember some quote from it that read something like:

"If a man really likes you, and wants to be with you...ain't nothing gonna stand in his way"


That's always stuck with me...and so I've always thought the onus (or the effort) was on HIM to make the first move...but I don't know if that should really be upheld as some infallible mantra...

How bout this question:

What do you WANT to do?

(note* you have to answer the question without being swayed by fear)

So...if you find that what you truly want is to tell him you're interested in him...

Just do it.

If it doesn't go so well...so what?...at least you'll know ...you won't have to wonder "What if?"...consider it a lesson learned...and in a few years it really won't matter at all anyway...

And maybe it would go well...


Either way you'll get life experience that gets you closer to answering the very question you asked ("Allowing things to happen vs taking chances") for yourself...(and for the rest of us...if you choose to share)...

Good Luck!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 · (Edited)
Thanks IndiaInk! That was a great post!

No, we are not FB friends. We really dont know each other that well (yet, lol!) Although I know he has one, guilty of checking out what I could see! Lol!

I dont know if the blonde was his gf or not. The mutual coworker said she thinks hes single.

Whats the most confusing to me is the day he stopped by to talk to me, he pointed out that the gal he was with at the first event (not the blonde) was NOT his gf. She was his sister in law. That was a completely unprovoked revelation. I had seen him with her, but they certainly didnt appear to be into each other (i know now for good reason, lol!)

So i guess i wondered why on earth he would tell me that if he was just being friendly. Most of my coworkers (that i trust not to go run off and gossip to him) have said that he usually dates the blonde skinny gals. Which i am not. Lol! Im dark headed and curvey. So i dunno! Lol!

I do want to talk to him, but honestly something inside tells me not to push. The time isnt right. Something in me tells me this might actually happen if im patient (which is hard for me! Haha!) Im probably just wishful thinking, lol! ;)
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